Monday, December 31, 2012
The Same God
He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased OUR freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave OUR sins. -Ephesians 1:7
Something that is hard for me to wrap my mind around is that God is the same God for ALL of humankind. In the above verse, Paul states that he purchased "OUR" freedom and forgave "OUR" sins. ALL of us. Wait......everyone? That's hard to believe.
He loves each of His created souls equally and sent His Son to cover each of their individual sins. His grace is just as much for the murderer as it is for the murdered. His love reaches into the depth of the one who hates Him just as far as it does the soul who seeks Him. His mercy is for the abuser as much as for the abused. He fights on behalf of the one who hurt another as much as He fights for the one who was hurt. That's really hard to grasp when you're the one who's been hurt.
This means that the Lord loves the child murderer from Sandy Hook as deeply as He loved the little children who were mercilessly slaughtered. It means He loves and offers forgiveness to those who await their fate on death row for the horrific choices made in time's past. It means that those who hurt me, He loves and offers forgiveness to, just the same as He does me.
Forgiveness, grace and mercy abound and are endless with the Lord. Although justice will be served, it is not ours to serve. Romans 12:19 says, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." I have to decide to let Him be my avenger. To trust that regardless of what comes from exposing hard truth's, that He will be my avenger, that He will be my protector, and that He will indeed be my "rear guard."
Isaiah 58:8 says, "Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your HEALING shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard."
Tonight, as I read friends on Facebook speak about the year 2012 in retrospect, as well as state their goals for 2013, I am reminded of what I learned in 2012. There is nothing and no one that is concrete in this world except the Lord who created it. As far as 2013, I hold no expectations aside from literally walking daily with Him beside me. To trust Him to act on my behalf and to protect me and to surround me with safety and with safe people.
Isaiah 43:18-19a says, "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth..."
Here's to tomorrow; and to the same God today, yesterday, and forever.
Monday, December 17, 2012
it's almost like He's whispering
As the saying goes, "You're your own worst critic." And, this rings fairly true in my life. As I've gone through counseling the past several months (wah, wah, wah...), I often find myself irritated at myself because of all I feel I "need"! Prodding around in wounds of the past can be so difficult!
There are moments when I feel so insecure and so incredibly unsafe. I feel alone, and in the moments of lonely desperately need to hear, "You're going to be okay." I reach out to friends, I pray, I read my Bible. There have been times, (often), that with tears dripping off my chin, I am begging God to be real to me. To be near to me.
I recently started a short daily devotional plan off of my Bible app on my iPhone. It's by John Piper. The following was quoted in my reading the other day:
Instead of letting me sink into a paralysis of fear, or run to a mirage of greener grass, he has awakened a cry for help and then answered with a concrete promise. -John Piper
What grabbed me initially was, "he has awakened a cry for help". I remember back in February, when I was convinced God had abandoned me... I remember literally crying multiple times, "God, if you are freakin' real, you gotta fix this shit...you gotta fix me and you better do it soon or I'm going to die." What John Piper said made me realize that it was God Himself who awakened that cry out of me.
He creates us knowing that all we truly need is Him. He knew before I did how badly I was in need of Him; so, He made me cry out. Then, He answered. In fact, He's answering every single day. He made me cry out so that He could answer! It's almost like He's whispering; saying, "I. love. you. I want you. I have you. You're my creation."
Nothing can satisfy the need but that which created the need. -Oswald Chambers
The Lord creates our needs. He made me "needy". He designed me for companionship, to be kept secure, to live freely, to be held, to be loved, to be wanted. Those are not needy things. Those are "created" things. But "nothing can satisfy the need but that which created the need".
Aha! So, I'm not needy after all! I'm created by the Father to be exactly the way I am and He has great plans to fulfill all of my needs! I just have to go to Him for it. To be willing to accept it from Him!
I'm not needy. I'm created!
praise Him.
There are moments when I feel so insecure and so incredibly unsafe. I feel alone, and in the moments of lonely desperately need to hear, "You're going to be okay." I reach out to friends, I pray, I read my Bible. There have been times, (often), that with tears dripping off my chin, I am begging God to be real to me. To be near to me.
I recently started a short daily devotional plan off of my Bible app on my iPhone. It's by John Piper. The following was quoted in my reading the other day:
Instead of letting me sink into a paralysis of fear, or run to a mirage of greener grass, he has awakened a cry for help and then answered with a concrete promise. -John Piper
What grabbed me initially was, "he has awakened a cry for help". I remember back in February, when I was convinced God had abandoned me... I remember literally crying multiple times, "God, if you are freakin' real, you gotta fix this shit...you gotta fix me and you better do it soon or I'm going to die." What John Piper said made me realize that it was God Himself who awakened that cry out of me.
He creates us knowing that all we truly need is Him. He knew before I did how badly I was in need of Him; so, He made me cry out. Then, He answered. In fact, He's answering every single day. He made me cry out so that He could answer! It's almost like He's whispering; saying, "I. love. you. I want you. I have you. You're my creation."
Nothing can satisfy the need but that which created the need. -Oswald Chambers
The Lord creates our needs. He made me "needy". He designed me for companionship, to be kept secure, to live freely, to be held, to be loved, to be wanted. Those are not needy things. Those are "created" things. But "nothing can satisfy the need but that which created the need".
Aha! So, I'm not needy after all! I'm created by the Father to be exactly the way I am and He has great plans to fulfill all of my needs! I just have to go to Him for it. To be willing to accept it from Him!
I'm not needy. I'm created!
praise Him.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
fought for
exodus 14:14 "the Lord himself will fight for you. just stay calm."
over the course of the past 22 days, my life (the secretive part) has ceased to continue as it has always. as the darkness has been exposed, the light has shone brightly on it. close friends have refused to let me re-drape it in black, therefore the journey of healing what has been covered began.
because of some events in my childhood, I realized how little I felt "fought for". through hard times at school, with poor teachers and coaches, I most always defended myself. there are things that happened at my school to me that no one knows about, because at the time I just believed I was the only one who would defend myself. and I handled those situations the best I knew how to. and when it came to arguments with my mom, my dad ignored them. pretended that if he didn't approach it, it would all simply go away. so, I fought for myself. I've always fought for myself.
three weeks ago, I couldn't fight anymore. just simply SO tired emotionally and mentally. so I stopped fighting. but the moment I stopped, my friends began fighting for me harder than I have ever fought for myself. friends that see way more in myself than I can at times. and multiple people who have contacted me so randomly (that have had no idea the situation I've found myself in), simply to tell me that they felt the Lord was laying me on their heart to pray for me.
when I realized how little I felt "fought for", I was devastated. it was what brought me to my knees. I didn't have anywhere to turn, so I nose dived downward. and as I look back at the course of the past 3 weeks, I can see how so intricately the Lord is fighting for me. He's battling on my behalf and helping me reach healing in a more whole way than I've ever had it before.
I am so PROUD of myself for making the changes I've made the last three weeks. though my friends have been at the forefront of helping me navigate these roads I've never taken, the decisions have always been mine. I have chosen this way to follow instead of the other, and though it feels harder, it feels right. in areas of weakness, I have relinquished control to two safe friends. as an outlet for stress and a choice to make myself stronger, I have joined CrossFit. and, I pray harder than I've ever prayed because I'm dealing with things that are at times stronger than I am.
and when I feel like I can't fight for myself anymore, I rest assured knowing that the LORD fights for me. He determines to show me that even when I won't press on, He's going to press on for me. praise Him for building an army around me.
I know that "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4
In time, and even now, I am able to comfort others around me just because of the comfort He has given me.
good, good, God.
over the course of the past 22 days, my life (the secretive part) has ceased to continue as it has always. as the darkness has been exposed, the light has shone brightly on it. close friends have refused to let me re-drape it in black, therefore the journey of healing what has been covered began.
because of some events in my childhood, I realized how little I felt "fought for". through hard times at school, with poor teachers and coaches, I most always defended myself. there are things that happened at my school to me that no one knows about, because at the time I just believed I was the only one who would defend myself. and I handled those situations the best I knew how to. and when it came to arguments with my mom, my dad ignored them. pretended that if he didn't approach it, it would all simply go away. so, I fought for myself. I've always fought for myself.
three weeks ago, I couldn't fight anymore. just simply SO tired emotionally and mentally. so I stopped fighting. but the moment I stopped, my friends began fighting for me harder than I have ever fought for myself. friends that see way more in myself than I can at times. and multiple people who have contacted me so randomly (that have had no idea the situation I've found myself in), simply to tell me that they felt the Lord was laying me on their heart to pray for me.
when I realized how little I felt "fought for", I was devastated. it was what brought me to my knees. I didn't have anywhere to turn, so I nose dived downward. and as I look back at the course of the past 3 weeks, I can see how so intricately the Lord is fighting for me. He's battling on my behalf and helping me reach healing in a more whole way than I've ever had it before.
I am so PROUD of myself for making the changes I've made the last three weeks. though my friends have been at the forefront of helping me navigate these roads I've never taken, the decisions have always been mine. I have chosen this way to follow instead of the other, and though it feels harder, it feels right. in areas of weakness, I have relinquished control to two safe friends. as an outlet for stress and a choice to make myself stronger, I have joined CrossFit. and, I pray harder than I've ever prayed because I'm dealing with things that are at times stronger than I am.
and when I feel like I can't fight for myself anymore, I rest assured knowing that the LORD fights for me. He determines to show me that even when I won't press on, He's going to press on for me. praise Him for building an army around me.
I know that "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4
In time, and even now, I am able to comfort others around me just because of the comfort He has given me.
good, good, God.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
abandoned
(so this wasn't an easy post for me to write. and as far as today is concerned, well...I've had better days. however, I know I'm not the only one to struggle with parental relationships. so, I write because I know I'm not alone, and I want you to know you're not either. this is a raw, open, and oozing wound that the Lord is actively healing. if you find yourself relating, please let me know. I'll pray for you.)
my father: "I wish I could go back and fix things. I crucify myself every single day for failing as a father to you."
my reply: "Tell me, what needs fixed. Acknowledge something."
him: "Not being involved in your life when you were younger. For backing out on God and on you...I thought you were better off without me. ...I should not have abandoned you."
ABANDONED:
a) to give up completely
b) cease to support or look after someone
it was several months into counseling that my counselor asked the question, "how long have you felt abandoned?" in that moment, my stomach and heart switched places.
me: "abandoned...? no. I've not been abandoned. I've always been taken care of. ...what does that word even mean?"
it took two weeks to digest that word and dig deep into my heart to uncover and fully see wounds of the past.* it took two weeks to even re-say the word. abandonment. it made me feel ill. but on october 27, my father openly confessed it with seemingly no hesitation.
it felt like I had just been punched. it felt like something had just stolen the last breath in my lungs. what stunned me is that I had refuted that word as soon as the counselor said it. believed it to not be true. this father whose hands I was given into by the Father just admitted that it was indeed true.
if I knew how to process that, I wouldn't be writing about it now. to be vulnerable, it cut me deeply. some of you may think that I need to be quick to forgive him and forget. that I should jump at the opportunity to attempt a relationship with him now. but, for now, I cannot. I can forgive the action, but my heart has not even begun to heal from this.
lately, I have began to seek the scripture for the truth's I have forgotten. though my father made mistakes and made poor choices when it came to being there for me, my Father says He is with me. and, sometimes the Father breaks you down (i hate that part) so you can see that He is really all you're supposed to need. here is some of the TRUTH that I have been reading tonight.
God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. (Ephesians 1:5)
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! (Psalm 139:17-18)
See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! (1 John 3:1)
For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. (Lamentations 3:31)
Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. (Psalm 27:10)
No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. (Joshua 1:5)
my father: "I wish I could go back and fix things. I crucify myself every single day for failing as a father to you."
my reply: "Tell me, what needs fixed. Acknowledge something."
him: "Not being involved in your life when you were younger. For backing out on God and on you...I thought you were better off without me. ...I should not have abandoned you."
ABANDONED:
a) to give up completely
b) cease to support or look after someone
it was several months into counseling that my counselor asked the question, "how long have you felt abandoned?" in that moment, my stomach and heart switched places.
me: "abandoned...? no. I've not been abandoned. I've always been taken care of. ...what does that word even mean?"
it took two weeks to digest that word and dig deep into my heart to uncover and fully see wounds of the past.* it took two weeks to even re-say the word. abandonment. it made me feel ill. but on october 27, my father openly confessed it with seemingly no hesitation.
it felt like I had just been punched. it felt like something had just stolen the last breath in my lungs. what stunned me is that I had refuted that word as soon as the counselor said it. believed it to not be true. this father whose hands I was given into by the Father just admitted that it was indeed true.
if I knew how to process that, I wouldn't be writing about it now. to be vulnerable, it cut me deeply. some of you may think that I need to be quick to forgive him and forget. that I should jump at the opportunity to attempt a relationship with him now. but, for now, I cannot. I can forgive the action, but my heart has not even begun to heal from this.
lately, I have began to seek the scripture for the truth's I have forgotten. though my father made mistakes and made poor choices when it came to being there for me, my Father says He is with me. and, sometimes the Father breaks you down (i hate that part) so you can see that He is really all you're supposed to need. here is some of the TRUTH that I have been reading tonight.
God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. (Ephesians 1:5)
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! (Psalm 139:17-18)
See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! (1 John 3:1)
For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. (Lamentations 3:31)
Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. (Psalm 27:10)
No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. (Joshua 1:5)
Saturday, October 27, 2012
"no matter what"
preface: this. is. a. hard. day.
a friend said, "Just know that I love you no matter what and will walk beside you friend!"
instantly, I thought to myself, "I'm not sure I need loved 'no matter what'". sometimes I think I need bitch slapped back to reality. sometimes it feels like God has really messed me up. and though my head reassures me that isn't truth, my heart screams otherwise. I wish I knew what catches me up when it comes to loving Jesus and trusting Him.
"you break me to bind me.
you hurt me, Lord, to heal me.
you cut me to touch me.
you died to revive me."
lyrics to a new song by Tenth Avenue North. and they kill me. someone tell me that they're not true.
there's something in me that refuses to maintain a desire for Him. and when these moments of hard come, it's like a cinder block just beat the shit out of me.
why is this so hard? why am I crying? why can't I keep it together for longer than a few months? am I running from Him? am I missing something?
this is a hard day. and I hate it.
a friend said, "Just know that I love you no matter what and will walk beside you friend!"
instantly, I thought to myself, "I'm not sure I need loved 'no matter what'". sometimes I think I need bitch slapped back to reality. sometimes it feels like God has really messed me up. and though my head reassures me that isn't truth, my heart screams otherwise. I wish I knew what catches me up when it comes to loving Jesus and trusting Him.
"you break me to bind me.
you hurt me, Lord, to heal me.
you cut me to touch me.
you died to revive me."
lyrics to a new song by Tenth Avenue North. and they kill me. someone tell me that they're not true.
there's something in me that refuses to maintain a desire for Him. and when these moments of hard come, it's like a cinder block just beat the shit out of me.
why is this so hard? why am I crying? why can't I keep it together for longer than a few months? am I running from Him? am I missing something?
this is a hard day. and I hate it.
Monday, October 1, 2012
the posture
As I was getting ready this morning, the Lord was near to my heart. This weekend, God met me the exact way I have been praying for Him to meet me. I have been praying that He would simply be near me, that I could feel Him and that He would bring me a repentant heart. He answered this prayer so beautifully and with such poise that I have been humbled in the process.
This morning, I was thinking about bondage. The last two days I have been fearful that His nearness is going to leave me. I have been fearful that if and when I mess up, I'll push Him away from me. In anxiety, I cried as I laid in bed last night, begging Him, "Please don't leave me. Please do not leave me." The bondage of my sinful decisions has kept me so tightly bound the last year that I fear going back there.
And the Lord gave me a picture today; The chains have been broken and are laying at my feet, but I remain in the same bound posture.
The wrists are still together as if they are still shackled together.
The body is tightly wound making motion difficult as if the ropes are still wrapped around me.
The head hangs low in the oppression the chains have cast me in.
The fear causes all of me to tremble.
Yet, the chains are not ON me but BESIDE me. Captivity no longer describes me, because FREEDOM has made it's home.
The Lord was saying to me, "Get up and walk, cherished one. Let loose from that which once bound you and lift your hands and shout your freedom. Lean on Me with your full weight and let Me heal your wounds."
What a picture!
Friend, what have you been set free from?
Do you doubt your freedom because you are still standing in the posture bondage had placed you in?
This morning, I was thinking about bondage. The last two days I have been fearful that His nearness is going to leave me. I have been fearful that if and when I mess up, I'll push Him away from me. In anxiety, I cried as I laid in bed last night, begging Him, "Please don't leave me. Please do not leave me." The bondage of my sinful decisions has kept me so tightly bound the last year that I fear going back there.
And the Lord gave me a picture today; The chains have been broken and are laying at my feet, but I remain in the same bound posture.
The wrists are still together as if they are still shackled together.
The body is tightly wound making motion difficult as if the ropes are still wrapped around me.
The head hangs low in the oppression the chains have cast me in.
The fear causes all of me to tremble.
Yet, the chains are not ON me but BESIDE me. Captivity no longer describes me, because FREEDOM has made it's home.
The Lord was saying to me, "Get up and walk, cherished one. Let loose from that which once bound you and lift your hands and shout your freedom. Lean on Me with your full weight and let Me heal your wounds."
What a picture!
Friend, what have you been set free from?
Do you doubt your freedom because you are still standing in the posture bondage had placed you in?
Thursday, September 20, 2012
-fear-
*welcome to vulnerability*
fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
I spend a disturbing amount of time locked down in this emotion. Do you? It is only natural that when someone states they are afraid, you respond with the question, "What is it that you are afraid of?"
I have asked myself this question for weeks upon weeks. I have received little revelation. Actually, I know several things I am afraid of, but I fear there is no resolution to these fears. I am terrified that the chaos my heart feels is permanent. The constant resistance to anything I cannot understand. I am afraid that I am going to wear my friends out with my neediness. In the current, I control my level of leaking neediness. But what happens when I erupt? Or can I keep controlling it?
I need a constant. A tangible constant. Someone to consistently reassure my altered self. Someone to remind me to breathe when it feels impossible. Someone who sees through the lies I tell them and myself. Someone who won't leave when it all becomes too much. And then I realize how selfish it sounds to want or expect such a someone. To realize that I am not all there is in this world. To remember that I am one of seven billion people on this earth. Who am I to need anything from anyone at all? To remember that I am twenty-three years old. Though at times I feel like a six year old.
What do I choose to believe? That I am worth filling those needs? Or that I am self-absorbed? What do I have a right to need? Am I childish for wanting these things? Do these needs define me as ignorant and weak as I feel because of them? What if they aren't dumb needs? Who is supposed to fill them?
I am afraid because not only might this be too much for you, it's too much for me, too. My inability to understand myself makes it impossible for you to understand me. My lack of self-acceptance makes it impossible for you to accept me wherever I am. I want you so desperately to love me where I am, but I will reject your every attempt to do so because in truth, I am disgusted with who I am. I am not good. But, you would never see that. You see what I want you to see.
This is all too messy and too frightening and I am exhausted. I walk in a land where insomnia rules and my facade is perfected. Where emotions are questioned and beliefs are created on shaky foundations. My heart kind of aches. And, I want to run away from myself; start afresh, start anew, have a redo. Am I truly going to live through? Are you going to make it, too?
I just don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want to be safe.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
the V word
i'm not talking about victory. the word is not veracity or virgin or vegetables... it's vulnerable.
none of us want to be it. at least not really. i would also suggest to you that even in our most vulnerable moments, we keep it surface level.
i want to shake that up. i want to be real with you for several reasons.
first thing, i believe that though we feel alone in our struggles, we are not. i also believe that when He is given the opportunity, the Lord can work through our struggle and sin to bring ourselves healing and redemption and also to pave the road to freedom for others.
"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (2 Corinthians 1:4)
secondly, i simply do not want to hide anymore. hiding gets increasingly difficult with time. i've also learned that sharing brings freedom from the feeling of bondage. though, much caution should be taken when choosing who to be vulnerable with.
many of you know that the past 9 months have been very difficult for me. some of you may have read the blogs i vomited out of extreme brokenness and heartache and anger. for clarification, i am not in the least bit remorseful for those blog posts. they were/are a window into a deeper part of who i am. a deep part that i know i am not alone in having. and, i am aware that quite possibly the words of mine you read, made you feel uncomfortable because you yourself have struggled with similar things.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3)
to initiate being vulnerable with you, in April, i began the counseling process with a christian counselor. though some of you know this, many of you don't. i deeply believe that the Lord set in motion this counseling, and i know He set it in motion because of the aforementioned verse. counseling is a process for healing the brokenhearted and binding wounds. but i will be extremely honest, the process sucks. it is the most painful thing i have walked through yet, as those wounds that He binds, He must first expose and deeply dig out. it is messy.
there's a lot more to me and my story that i have hope in sharing with you in time. because through it, the Lord WILL bring healing and restoration to not only me, but quite possibly to you, as well.
i don't know who you are reading this, but i love you. and i intensely desire you to be set free from the "stuff" that entangles you. so much so, that i am willing to share with you the innermost secretive parts of me.
of course i am hesitant in being vulnerable to you. because you may hurt me. even unintentionally. so be patient and be kind, because i want to show you Christ's healing process. i want you to see it, so maybe you'll let Him heal you, too.
none of us want to be it. at least not really. i would also suggest to you that even in our most vulnerable moments, we keep it surface level.
i want to shake that up. i want to be real with you for several reasons.
first thing, i believe that though we feel alone in our struggles, we are not. i also believe that when He is given the opportunity, the Lord can work through our struggle and sin to bring ourselves healing and redemption and also to pave the road to freedom for others.
"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (2 Corinthians 1:4)
secondly, i simply do not want to hide anymore. hiding gets increasingly difficult with time. i've also learned that sharing brings freedom from the feeling of bondage. though, much caution should be taken when choosing who to be vulnerable with.
many of you know that the past 9 months have been very difficult for me. some of you may have read the blogs i vomited out of extreme brokenness and heartache and anger. for clarification, i am not in the least bit remorseful for those blog posts. they were/are a window into a deeper part of who i am. a deep part that i know i am not alone in having. and, i am aware that quite possibly the words of mine you read, made you feel uncomfortable because you yourself have struggled with similar things.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3)
to initiate being vulnerable with you, in April, i began the counseling process with a christian counselor. though some of you know this, many of you don't. i deeply believe that the Lord set in motion this counseling, and i know He set it in motion because of the aforementioned verse. counseling is a process for healing the brokenhearted and binding wounds. but i will be extremely honest, the process sucks. it is the most painful thing i have walked through yet, as those wounds that He binds, He must first expose and deeply dig out. it is messy.
there's a lot more to me and my story that i have hope in sharing with you in time. because through it, the Lord WILL bring healing and restoration to not only me, but quite possibly to you, as well.
i don't know who you are reading this, but i love you. and i intensely desire you to be set free from the "stuff" that entangles you. so much so, that i am willing to share with you the innermost secretive parts of me.
of course i am hesitant in being vulnerable to you. because you may hurt me. even unintentionally. so be patient and be kind, because i want to show you Christ's healing process. i want you to see it, so maybe you'll let Him heal you, too.
Monday, August 6, 2012
"i throw my hands up in the air sometimes..."
The last couple of days have been weird...and hard.
It's that time of the year again, where people are signing up for classes and getting their books and purchasing a fresh planner for their studies. It's that time of the year again, where I think about all of the things I am passionate about and fret about which one to pursue. I am so WEIRD. So, because I continue to throw all of these things around in my head, I am insisting myself to write them down and maybe my fast paced mind will receive rest.
1) I am passionate about medicine probably more than nursing. Therefore, I can easily see myself pursuing med school and become a practicing physician.
2) I am passionate about those trapped in addiction. Therefore, I can easily see myself pursuing a degree in sociology and psychology and become a counselor advocating relapse prevention.
3) I am passionate about music, both instrumental and vocal. Therefore, I can see myself pursuing a degree in music and working toward a form of directing on a professional level.
4) I am passionate about furthering education, period. Therefore, I can soooomewhat see myself pursuing a higher degree in nursing and pursuing my doctorate in nursing.
5) I am passionate about au naturale living. Therefore, I can see myself buying a house, settling down with someone forever, raising a family, and living off the land through organic gardening and teaching my little ones responsibility with animal care and instilling educational values into them.
6) I am passionate about humanitarian aid to those less fortunate than myself. Therefore, I can see myself giving everything else up in the pursuit of a life in Haiti or Africa where I dedicate everything I am to loving on buggy heads and washing dirty hands and lovingly placing a bandaid on a bleeding HIV positive baby and delivering babies in the back village.
In confusion and exhaustion, I simply want to run away. I research hospitals to work in focusing on relocation. Baltimore, New York, Boston, Dallas... Maybe if I can run far enough, these passions will elude me and peace will consume me. I clearly cannot do them all, and because all passions are equal, choosing one to pursue is impossible.
It's times like these that I kick myself for signing a twelve month lease when I know my heart is accustomed to six months or less. I still love my little apartment, but I. must. escape. for the sake of sanity.
Another thing that has caught one of my heart strings is that I often have no passion for God or the things of Him. I believe now more than ever before in the war for a soul. I feel so detached from the battle, but know that there is one raging. I sense myself longing to lose the numbness against reality. However, when feeling happens, I push it away because there's just too much to deal with and sort through.
"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying 'Ayo, gotta let go.'" ...gotta escape.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
does God remember?
at times, I am convinced I am one day away from disaster. this process of figuring out who I am and what I stand for and where I am headed is a deeply confusing trek. who I have been is not who I am now. and I'm trying to figure out which 'me' was better. a sense of certainty (even if it was false) was the past. but a pool of insecurity consumes the current. do I desire false security? sometimes...
was all that I worked for to be who I am now done in vain? were the best times of my life spent wasted in a school that taught me to be something I am so unsatisfied in now. do I carry the burden of choice? the choice to change? am I truly intelligent enough to be more than I am?
does God remember? does He remember the things He birthed in me? it feels as though He does not. it feels like abandonment. it crushes my core. and instead of waiting patiently in hope that He delivers, I prefer to retreat and remove myself from the line of potential pain. repeated wrenching.
and I think to myself, "If He knew I would ache the way I do, how could He ever birth such passion and remain still?"
and I think to myself, "If He knew I would ache the way I do, how could He ever birth such passion and remain still?"
surely you may read and judge that I am selfish, whining, and ungrateful. however, sometimes the hurt within simply needs expressed to an open ear.
what am I supposed to be?
"God, do even You remember?"
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Taking Your Trash to the Dumpster
This may sound silly or super obvious, but I found myself realizing something today that somewhat calmed me.
I was taking my trash out to the dumpster. As I was walking to the dumpster, I was particularly aware of how nice the temperature was. In comparison to the last couple of weeks, I was sensitive to the decrease in temperature.
The dumpsters had just been emptied, and the big black lids were down. As I lifted the lid, an overwhelming stench of rotten filth engulfed me. I quickly threw my bag of trash into the dumpster, and began walking back to my apartment.
On the way back, I realized that regardless of who you are, what you wear, the products you buy, or your philosophies of life; you got trash. Furthermore, your trash stinks. It stinks just like mine. If there is anything in life that we all have in common, it's the fact that we are recipients of, accumulate, and often produce junk.
If we keep it all in our houses, our houses will inevitably begin to smell just as bad as that dumpster does. It would eventually begin to affect our physical health, it would inhibit our ability to rest well at night, and would expose us to preventable disease and sickness.
We would be silly to keep trash in our houses because there has been a system developed for disposal. We take our trash to the dumpster, and we expect our neighbors to do the same. It isn't my responsibility to take my neighbor's trash out. However, I could kindly show them where the dumpster is, or offer to help clear out their junk.
In a similar way, our emotional junk needs attention. It's a normal part of life, just like trash accumulation, but sometimes we like to hoard our "inside" pain. Too afraid that if someone else smells my trash, they'll realize how disgusting I am. But I believe that the true fear lies not on me, but on them. It takes strength to realize your inside trash. Seeing someone else's pain quickly reminds us of our own.
Truth is that it needs taken care of, tended to, and cleaned out. Perhaps a nice freshener to replace it with. It requires consistent maintenance. At times, it insists help from an outside person. At other times, it requires deep reflection. Regardless, it demands persistence and strength.
I'm thankful for the analogy that it seems God helped me see today. Be encouraged to play an active part in your emotional health. You're worth it.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
while we were still sinners
I believe in teaching about sin. But, I also strongly believe that you cannot teach on the subject of sin without teaching the power of grace.
Attempting to place the flesh under control, before accepting the gift of our sin already being covered by grace, while we are yet sinning, is impossible. Relying on ourselves to break chains of bondage simply doesn't work. Forgiveness of current sin through the gift of grace empowers the Spirit to aid in the conquering of sinful habits. Anyone who says they are in Christ should never hold themselves or any other individual to a level of expectation of religious perfection.
Romans 3:22-27 says,
22 We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.
23 For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.
Attempting to place the flesh under control, before accepting the gift of our sin already being covered by grace, while we are yet sinning, is impossible. Relying on ourselves to break chains of bondage simply doesn't work. Forgiveness of current sin through the gift of grace empowers the Spirit to aid in the conquering of sinful habits. Anyone who says they are in Christ should never hold themselves or any other individual to a level of expectation of religious perfection.
Romans 3:22-27 says,
23 For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.
24 Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.
25 For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past,
26 for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and he declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus.
27 Can we boast, then, that we have done anything to be accepted by God? No, because our acquittal is not based on obeying the law. It is based on faith.
26 for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and he declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus.
27 Can we boast, then, that we have done anything to be accepted by God? No, because our acquittal is not based on obeying the law. It is based on faith.
Christ died for us with full knowledge of the condition of our sinful nature. He knew that dying for us wouldn't stop us from sinning, but that it would cover us and make us perfect in God's eyes. He died for us while we were yet sinners. ALL sin separates us from God, period. ALL unforgiven sin leads us to eternal damnation. But once Jesus is accepted as Lord and Savior, WE.ARE.COVERED.BY.HIS.GRACE. End of story. Attempting to fulfill the law on our own unsuccessfully leads to a frustrating and angering walk. One that I believe Jesus has no desire for us to journey.
It's only after receiving His grace for sins past, current, and future, will the law begin to fulfill itself within our walk with Jesus, very naturally by His Spirit's gentle guidance.
Romans 5:8, "But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners."
It's only after receiving His grace for sins past, current, and future, will the law begin to fulfill itself within our walk with Jesus, very naturally by His Spirit's gentle guidance.
Romans 5:8, "But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners."
Friday, June 22, 2012
"Do you like guys?"
"So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." 1 Peter 5:6-7
I wish there was an explanation for the thoughts that run through my mind. As I read the aforementioned verse, I shake my head in disagreement. There are conflicting views in my heart. My soul fights the truth at every turn. I realize, however, that when it comes to this season: I am on my own. My friends are surely frustrated at my lack of response to their words. At times, I desperately wish I was the person who clinged to the heart of Jesus and encouraged others in His ways.
A few days ago at work, a new coworker asked me if I was married. Nope. Kids? Nope. Dating? Nope. Interested in anyone? Nope. (said a little quicker.) With a little hesitancy she asked, "Do you like guys?" oh.my.gosh! you've gotta be kidding me... I quickly answered, "Uhhhh, YES!" She then asked what my "type" was, questioning, "Do you want a good Christian boy?" Quicker answered than any of the other questions, I replied, "Oh...noooo..."
As soon as I said it, I couldn't believe the words had exited my mouth. I tried to recover by saying, "Well.... I don't wanna be a Pastor's wife or anything..." She nodded in understanding. What the hell?! I'm a freaking disaster.
When it comes to 1 Peter 5:6-7; How can I ever be content with who I am right now in this moment? My words spew ignorance and I can be really awkward. If anything, when it comes to God, I feel demoted, certainly not promoted. But, when it comes to living carefree, I definitely have that under control. I've probably taken that one to the extreme. Why would He be careful with such a wreck as me?
Still, through all of this season, I'm confident that there is a reason for where my heart insists on staying. It is not pleasant, nor seemingly beneficial; but there has to be a reason. One day, this.will.break. Freedom.will.come. and I pray I'm not to jaded to allow it to pass by me.
I wish there was an explanation for the thoughts that run through my mind. As I read the aforementioned verse, I shake my head in disagreement. There are conflicting views in my heart. My soul fights the truth at every turn. I realize, however, that when it comes to this season: I am on my own. My friends are surely frustrated at my lack of response to their words. At times, I desperately wish I was the person who clinged to the heart of Jesus and encouraged others in His ways.
A few days ago at work, a new coworker asked me if I was married. Nope. Kids? Nope. Dating? Nope. Interested in anyone? Nope. (said a little quicker.) With a little hesitancy she asked, "Do you like guys?" oh.my.gosh! you've gotta be kidding me... I quickly answered, "Uhhhh, YES!" She then asked what my "type" was, questioning, "Do you want a good Christian boy?" Quicker answered than any of the other questions, I replied, "Oh...noooo..."
As soon as I said it, I couldn't believe the words had exited my mouth. I tried to recover by saying, "Well.... I don't wanna be a Pastor's wife or anything..." She nodded in understanding. What the hell?! I'm a freaking disaster.
When it comes to 1 Peter 5:6-7; How can I ever be content with who I am right now in this moment? My words spew ignorance and I can be really awkward. If anything, when it comes to God, I feel demoted, certainly not promoted. But, when it comes to living carefree, I definitely have that under control. I've probably taken that one to the extreme. Why would He be careful with such a wreck as me?
Still, through all of this season, I'm confident that there is a reason for where my heart insists on staying. It is not pleasant, nor seemingly beneficial; but there has to be a reason. One day, this.will.break. Freedom.will.come. and I pray I'm not to jaded to allow it to pass by me.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Meet me tomorrow...
I have been quiet as of late.
I have been seeking.
I wish sculpting a feeling was a possibility.
If you could maybe touch it, you might understand.
Because, my words seem unable to display the emotions twirling in my insides.
Last night, I prayed God would encounter me today.
God, you're big. Meet me tomorrow.
Truth is, I am such an imperfect person. I mean, really imperfect.
There are things that I struggle with on a deep level.
Seriously.
Things so rooted and knotted.
Things I fear would make you run if you were to see them or hear them.
But, I am ensnared by it all.
God, you're big. Meet me tomorrow.
I walked through the doors confidently, head strong but heart weak.
You are who You say You are. Meet me today...please.
The music began to play, and without my permission, walls weakened.
"For You and You alone awake my soul..."
In that moment, I remembered:
Only He is able to breathe life into me...to awaken me...
Body weak and Spirit hungry, He breathed on me; awakened me.
The lyrics to come encouraged my hand to raise and a chain to crack.
My response:
"I hear Your voice and this is my awakening."
Dear God, meet me tomorrow, again...please.
I have been seeking.
I wish sculpting a feeling was a possibility.
If you could maybe touch it, you might understand.
Because, my words seem unable to display the emotions twirling in my insides.
Last night, I prayed God would encounter me today.
God, you're big. Meet me tomorrow.
Truth is, I am such an imperfect person. I mean, really imperfect.
There are things that I struggle with on a deep level.
Seriously.
Things so rooted and knotted.
Things I fear would make you run if you were to see them or hear them.
But, I am ensnared by it all.
God, you're big. Meet me tomorrow.
I walked through the doors confidently, head strong but heart weak.
You are who You say You are. Meet me today...please.
The music began to play, and without my permission, walls weakened.
"For You and You alone awake my soul..."
In that moment, I remembered:
Only He is able to breathe life into me...to awaken me...
Body weak and Spirit hungry, He breathed on me; awakened me.
The lyrics to come encouraged my hand to raise and a chain to crack.
My response:
"I hear Your voice and this is my awakening."
Dear God, meet me tomorrow, again...please.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
I let go and I cling tight
Two years. First job as a nurse, and it.is.finished. Time for new things. A season for growing my career. A moment for personal expansion. As I insecurely embrace this moment of change, I cannot help but reflect on the past.
Three and a half years ago, a passion was birthed. A passion of traveling the world for the broken. A passion to spread the love of Jesus in a tangible, visible way. I interned with Convoy of Hope for the Summer of '09 and it shook me. A season of awakening.
After interning with Convoy, I finished my last year of nursing school, and graduated strong. Two years ago, I started my career as a RN. What followed was a lot of lessons hard learned. A schedule of working twelve hour nights, and consuming fried onion rings at 12:30 AM became routine. A season of beginning.
Haiti. Summer of '11. Changed me. Arranged my focus. Challenged my perception. Threatened me. Alarmed me. Broke a part of me. What I had been working toward since high school seemed to shatter before my eyes. What I felt Jesus was provoking me to chase began to haunt me in my sleep. A season of disappointment.
Jesus; the lack thereof in me. Current condition. I miss my friends from Convoy of Hope. I miss my life as it was then. I miss my school life. I miss having a daily purpose to fulfill; (i.e. classes, appointments, church groups, coffee dates...). I miss praying. I miss yearning for Haiti. I miss loving life and living it well. I miss me; who I spent a lot of time building... A season of hopelessness.
So I make changes. I move out to be alone. I learn a new job. I return to school. I try new churches. I reconnect with old friends. I try hard to embrace change. I attempt to trust in my own decisions. I let go and I cling tight. A season of freshness.
Panic asks the question of whether these choices are right or wrong. Peace says it doesn't really matter.
I breathe in and I breathe out.
Three and a half years ago, a passion was birthed. A passion of traveling the world for the broken. A passion to spread the love of Jesus in a tangible, visible way. I interned with Convoy of Hope for the Summer of '09 and it shook me. A season of awakening.
After interning with Convoy, I finished my last year of nursing school, and graduated strong. Two years ago, I started my career as a RN. What followed was a lot of lessons hard learned. A schedule of working twelve hour nights, and consuming fried onion rings at 12:30 AM became routine. A season of beginning.
Haiti. Summer of '11. Changed me. Arranged my focus. Challenged my perception. Threatened me. Alarmed me. Broke a part of me. What I had been working toward since high school seemed to shatter before my eyes. What I felt Jesus was provoking me to chase began to haunt me in my sleep. A season of disappointment.
Jesus; the lack thereof in me. Current condition. I miss my friends from Convoy of Hope. I miss my life as it was then. I miss my school life. I miss having a daily purpose to fulfill; (i.e. classes, appointments, church groups, coffee dates...). I miss praying. I miss yearning for Haiti. I miss loving life and living it well. I miss me; who I spent a lot of time building... A season of hopelessness.
So I make changes. I move out to be alone. I learn a new job. I return to school. I try new churches. I reconnect with old friends. I try hard to embrace change. I attempt to trust in my own decisions. I let go and I cling tight. A season of freshness.
Panic asks the question of whether these choices are right or wrong. Peace says it doesn't really matter.
I breathe in and I breathe out.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
metamorphosis
Not going to church today.
Earlier years of childhood, my family was in church more than the Pastor. Sunday morning, Sunday night, Tuesday for praise and worship practice, Wednesday for church, Thursday or Friday for events or Bible studies. I enjoyed it. I felt as comfortable in the church as I did in my bedroom. Just another place of home for me.
Things grew tougher for our family unit as we grew older; church less frequently. Entering my first semester of college, I still felt guilty every Sunday when I chose sleep and rest over gathering with "His people."After six months of relaxation, I eased back into the church thing. Slowly, but surely, built another church family at James River Assembly. Re-engaged. Re-immersed in the culture of the church. A culture I owned. A culture I was a part of.
That girl I am not; any longer. Nothing changes that. A sort of metamorphosis has occurred. (metamorphosis: a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.) My soul has taken new form. My wants are in different shape. Who I was and what I stood for is in the past. However, there are days my heart seems to struggle with accepting this truth.
Missionary is no longer at the forefront of my mind when making decisions. Jesus is no longer at the forefront of my heart when making choices. But because that was where my identity lay, there is this uncertainty as to where it lay now.
Caterpillars must feel similar. Somewhat ugly creatures by nature. Larvae. After shedding layers five times, they begin metamorphosis. When this time comes, they find an isolated place, and spin a silk cocoon. To protect them from potential predators. When their time of pupate is over, they cut their way through the silk cocoon and embrace life as a different being; a moth or butterfly.
Can you place yourself on the timeline of metamorphosis?
Do you find yourself shedding, pupating, or cutting out?
Where does your identity lay?
Earlier years of childhood, my family was in church more than the Pastor. Sunday morning, Sunday night, Tuesday for praise and worship practice, Wednesday for church, Thursday or Friday for events or Bible studies. I enjoyed it. I felt as comfortable in the church as I did in my bedroom. Just another place of home for me.
Things grew tougher for our family unit as we grew older; church less frequently. Entering my first semester of college, I still felt guilty every Sunday when I chose sleep and rest over gathering with "His people."After six months of relaxation, I eased back into the church thing. Slowly, but surely, built another church family at James River Assembly. Re-engaged. Re-immersed in the culture of the church. A culture I owned. A culture I was a part of.
That girl I am not; any longer. Nothing changes that. A sort of metamorphosis has occurred. (metamorphosis: a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.) My soul has taken new form. My wants are in different shape. Who I was and what I stood for is in the past. However, there are days my heart seems to struggle with accepting this truth.
Missionary is no longer at the forefront of my mind when making decisions. Jesus is no longer at the forefront of my heart when making choices. But because that was where my identity lay, there is this uncertainty as to where it lay now.
Caterpillars must feel similar. Somewhat ugly creatures by nature. Larvae. After shedding layers five times, they begin metamorphosis. When this time comes, they find an isolated place, and spin a silk cocoon. To protect them from potential predators. When their time of pupate is over, they cut their way through the silk cocoon and embrace life as a different being; a moth or butterfly.
Can you place yourself on the timeline of metamorphosis?
Do you find yourself shedding, pupating, or cutting out?
Where does your identity lay?
Friday, May 18, 2012
chronic indecisiveness
Moving. Time. Again.
This time, I've stretched my 6 month record to 12 months. That's fairly decent, right? That is a 100% improvement.
This time, I desperately want to live alone. To have my own space in which I can do whatever I want to do in it. It's not that I hate roommates as people. It's that I hate having a roommate. I hate sharing space. I hate whatever their underlying expectations of me are. I want to be my own person. If I want to walk in my front door and throw my purse down on the table and kick my shoes off in the living room and occasionally walk around in my bra and underwear (you wanna do it, too...), then THAT is what I want to do.
This time, budgeting blows. I hate being on a budget. I admit I have been less than frugal with most of my money earned after graduating two years ago. And, after recently accepting a new position with less hours, my income will decrease approximately $600-ish/month. Ugh... Live alone=BROKE. Live with friend=less broke. I hate money.
This time, (again), I'm left with freaking decisions. I hate making decisions about my own life. I make decisions ALL day long at my job literally dealing with LIFE vs DEATH for people, but when it comes to moving out alone, I cannot decide. A chronic indecisiveness. Adulthood can SUCK sometimes.
This time, (again), in my indecisiveness and consistent need for affirmation, I feel compelled to ask you to weigh in on this situation. Because over the last 48 hours, I have made the decision to put down a downpayment on a studio apartment, only to turn around 1.5 hours later and tell my friend I would live with her (only later to find out about a 12 month contract...errrr...). And, here I am 13 days from needing to be moved, without a direction to go.
Help...anyone? :)
This time, I've stretched my 6 month record to 12 months. That's fairly decent, right? That is a 100% improvement.
This time, I desperately want to live alone. To have my own space in which I can do whatever I want to do in it. It's not that I hate roommates as people. It's that I hate having a roommate. I hate sharing space. I hate whatever their underlying expectations of me are. I want to be my own person. If I want to walk in my front door and throw my purse down on the table and kick my shoes off in the living room and occasionally walk around in my bra and underwear (you wanna do it, too...), then THAT is what I want to do.
This time, budgeting blows. I hate being on a budget. I admit I have been less than frugal with most of my money earned after graduating two years ago. And, after recently accepting a new position with less hours, my income will decrease approximately $600-ish/month. Ugh... Live alone=BROKE. Live with friend=less broke. I hate money.
This time, (again), I'm left with freaking decisions. I hate making decisions about my own life. I make decisions ALL day long at my job literally dealing with LIFE vs DEATH for people, but when it comes to moving out alone, I cannot decide. A chronic indecisiveness. Adulthood can SUCK sometimes.
This time, (again), in my indecisiveness and consistent need for affirmation, I feel compelled to ask you to weigh in on this situation. Because over the last 48 hours, I have made the decision to put down a downpayment on a studio apartment, only to turn around 1.5 hours later and tell my friend I would live with her (only later to find out about a 12 month contract...errrr...). And, here I am 13 days from needing to be moved, without a direction to go.
Help...anyone? :)
Thursday, May 10, 2012
loving the addict
I've been watching the show Intervention. The show about individuals struggling with addiction. Addictions to street drugs, prescription drugs, pornography, self-mutilation, and alcohol.
I'm watching it because it intrigues me. The mind of an addict. The way their past influences their present. As a nurse, I work with addicts all of the time. People detoxing from alcohol, withdrawing from methamphetamine, and even those who deny they have a problem.
As a fairly new nurse, I was manipulated into bringing them what they want; more drugs. Believing they are in the worst pain of their life, and calling the doctor to advocate for them. It is my job; to do whatever medically safe and possible to relieve a patient of pain and suffering.
But as time has passed, I have learned. My "innocent, young adult" threshold is no longer a low one. My intolerance threshold has also lessened over the years of dealing with the addict. When my patients set alarms on their phones to wake them up on the MINUTE that their next "AS NEEDED" pain medication is due, I wrestle with anger. I feel as though sometimes I am their supplier. And, I hate that.
I am not a drug dealer.
This show, Intervention, has taught me so much. It has opened my eyes to feel for the individuals. They have a story. Let me be clear, they have no excuse, but they have a story. As I watch their family and friends pour out their hearts during the actual intervention, my heart aches. It aches for the boy or girl, man or woman, that struggles with the addiction. It aches for their parents, spouses, children, and relatives.
When I see them nod their head, or whisper softly, "Yes, I'll go," I celebrate with their loved ones. Deep down, I know Jesus was in that. Regardless of the faith of the individual or their family, I know Jesus is in that. Only He can bring freedom. He brings freedom even when we don't believe in Him. He brings freedom even when He's rejected. He brings hope because that is what He IS.
Jesus is in the ugly. I propose that just MAYBE, He is so deep in the ugly of this world that we, in our self-conscious pride, refuse to acknowledge that it's where He is; calling us there, too. To join Him in the fight for acceptance of the freedom He offers those trapped in bondage.
Friend, He is in the ugly that is so deep inside of you that even you do not know about. Trust me, I'm living the lesson and seeing it for what it is. The deeper I go, the more I seem to find Him in the middle of it.
Hope. He is hope. He is real. For me, for you, and for the addict. He loves the addict. He wants me to love the addict. He wants you to love the addict. So you can show them Him.
I'm watching it because it intrigues me. The mind of an addict. The way their past influences their present. As a nurse, I work with addicts all of the time. People detoxing from alcohol, withdrawing from methamphetamine, and even those who deny they have a problem.
As a fairly new nurse, I was manipulated into bringing them what they want; more drugs. Believing they are in the worst pain of their life, and calling the doctor to advocate for them. It is my job; to do whatever medically safe and possible to relieve a patient of pain and suffering.
But as time has passed, I have learned. My "innocent, young adult" threshold is no longer a low one. My intolerance threshold has also lessened over the years of dealing with the addict. When my patients set alarms on their phones to wake them up on the MINUTE that their next "AS NEEDED" pain medication is due, I wrestle with anger. I feel as though sometimes I am their supplier. And, I hate that.
I am not a drug dealer.
This show, Intervention, has taught me so much. It has opened my eyes to feel for the individuals. They have a story. Let me be clear, they have no excuse, but they have a story. As I watch their family and friends pour out their hearts during the actual intervention, my heart aches. It aches for the boy or girl, man or woman, that struggles with the addiction. It aches for their parents, spouses, children, and relatives.
When I see them nod their head, or whisper softly, "Yes, I'll go," I celebrate with their loved ones. Deep down, I know Jesus was in that. Regardless of the faith of the individual or their family, I know Jesus is in that. Only He can bring freedom. He brings freedom even when we don't believe in Him. He brings freedom even when He's rejected. He brings hope because that is what He IS.
Jesus is in the ugly. I propose that just MAYBE, He is so deep in the ugly of this world that we, in our self-conscious pride, refuse to acknowledge that it's where He is; calling us there, too. To join Him in the fight for acceptance of the freedom He offers those trapped in bondage.
Friend, He is in the ugly that is so deep inside of you that even you do not know about. Trust me, I'm living the lesson and seeing it for what it is. The deeper I go, the more I seem to find Him in the middle of it.
Hope. He is hope. He is real. For me, for you, and for the addict. He loves the addict. He wants me to love the addict. He wants you to love the addict. So you can show them Him.
Monday, May 7, 2012
for even the guilty
the pastor spoke with such compassion, yesterday. and he spoke so seriously. the power of perspective. the cross. Jesus. the world.
there's a wrestle. attempting to figure out how to view a circumstance. what perspective should be held? if through the lens of Christ, should pain caused by this world be ignored, stuffed, and forgotten (which is what forgiveness looks like)? but if through the lens of humanity, should not justice be served?
Luke 23.39, "One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, "Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!"
to scream out the same thing as a hanging thief...this I have done. and my heart says, "what is wrong with that?" is not God big enough to take it? seriously, "God, if you are who you say you are, get.me.out! save. me."
while the thief on the other side says, "Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation?..." Luke 23.40
there is not much fear of Him left within this soul.
fear of what He can do.
a knowledge that He is the God.
an understanding of His love [...]
disconnected.
seeking.
the message of the cross is, indeed, offensive. if one can never be good enough for Him, why should anyone even try to be good?
desiring to merge my humanity with His sovereignty. to merge the cross, Jesus, and the world. to believe that even if it looks unlike it to you, He is guiding these steps of mine, too. that where I am is where I am supposed to be. to go so far to even believe that He brought me here. to believe that He is in the middle of this disgust, too.
to believe that even after the questions, Paradise is still a possibility... for even the guilty...
there's a wrestle. attempting to figure out how to view a circumstance. what perspective should be held? if through the lens of Christ, should pain caused by this world be ignored, stuffed, and forgotten (which is what forgiveness looks like)? but if through the lens of humanity, should not justice be served?
Luke 23.39, "One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, "Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!"
to scream out the same thing as a hanging thief...this I have done. and my heart says, "what is wrong with that?" is not God big enough to take it? seriously, "God, if you are who you say you are, get.me.out! save. me."
while the thief on the other side says, "Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation?..." Luke 23.40
there is not much fear of Him left within this soul.
fear of what He can do.
a knowledge that He is the God.
an understanding of His love [...]
disconnected.
seeking.
the message of the cross is, indeed, offensive. if one can never be good enough for Him, why should anyone even try to be good?
desiring to merge my humanity with His sovereignty. to merge the cross, Jesus, and the world. to believe that even if it looks unlike it to you, He is guiding these steps of mine, too. that where I am is where I am supposed to be. to go so far to even believe that He brought me here. to believe that He is in the middle of this disgust, too.
to believe that even after the questions, Paradise is still a possibility... for even the guilty...
Thursday, May 3, 2012
automatic expectation
Sometimes thoughts swirl around in my brain and I am unable to actually place the thoughts together to make a distinct point. Tonight, it seems as if one particular thing I have been randomly thinking about, finally formed a sentence. I'm certainly still processing where it came from and what it means and what I am supposed to do with it... Here goes:
At times, it seems that by choosing God, there's an automatic expectation for me to ignore pain and hurt. That because I have chosen to believe in God, I should never be affected by my surroundings.
At times, it seems that by choosing God, there's an automatic expectation for me to ignore pain and hurt. That because I have chosen to believe in God, I should never be affected by my surroundings.
The truth is that my surroundings are affecting me, thus I choose no God. The past has affected me in ways I haven't even began to uncover. The present is affecting me in ways I feel deeper than ever. And the future impacts... my.every.breath.
I feel guilty. Guilty and somewhat disgusting.
Anyone else ever have thoughts similar to these?
Anyone else ever have thoughts similar to these?
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
He Fights
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Exodus 14:14 NIV)
There is not a desire or strength within me to fight. Not for belief in Him, not for my friends, not for my family, not for love. I take breaths, and I blink my eyes. Proof of life, but not a lot of it.
Yesterday, my cousin posted that scripture on her [Facebook] status.
Relieved.
Though I cannot seem to choose all that I know needs chosen, if my God is who He says He is, He will fight for me. He will be strength when I am lifeless. He will be joy when I cling to cynicism. He will be peace when panic fills my chest.
He.
will.
fight.
for.
me.
He is fighting for me.
...and I choose to let Him fight.
There is not a desire or strength within me to fight. Not for belief in Him, not for my friends, not for my family, not for love. I take breaths, and I blink my eyes. Proof of life, but not a lot of it.
Yesterday, my cousin posted that scripture on her [Facebook] status.
Relieved.
Though I cannot seem to choose all that I know needs chosen, if my God is who He says He is, He will fight for me. He will be strength when I am lifeless. He will be joy when I cling to cynicism. He will be peace when panic fills my chest.
He.
will.
fight.
for.
me.
He is fighting for me.
...and I choose to let Him fight.
Monday, April 23, 2012
to be changed
it is becoming increasingly apparent that some of my core friendships are going through a season. a season of absence. a season of distance. a season of resistance. while other friendships are growing and being strengthened, the ones that used to matter the most seem to be rapidly unraveling.
and i'm somewhere in the middle. should there be great effort poured out to save the ones that are diminishing? or should focus be placed on the ones developing. this choice seems a necessary one to make, because there is not heart strength for doing both.
the truth is, that not only are my friendships in a different season, I am a person being changed by my own season. those that know me best probably feel that they don't know me at all anymore. and that is okay. but for me, I want friends that are willing to walk through "the changing" with me. isn't that what you would want?
though I am uncertain as to how this season will end or lead into another, I am confident it will. winter always ends up succumbing to spring. spring to summer, summer to fall. it all ends and begins again. to me, it is a beautiful thing. to be changed by the circumstances around you. leaves change colors and flowers bloom and the sun shines and the rain falls. all altering it's environment. leaving some things weathered, other things refreshed.
to resist a season is impossible. you ride a season out. you lean into it. you glean from it. you learn the wind patterns and how to smell the rain.
and you come out dead or alive. and i have determination; to come out alive, with or without you. and I am challenged to choose peace regardless of your choice.
and i'm somewhere in the middle. should there be great effort poured out to save the ones that are diminishing? or should focus be placed on the ones developing. this choice seems a necessary one to make, because there is not heart strength for doing both.
the truth is, that not only are my friendships in a different season, I am a person being changed by my own season. those that know me best probably feel that they don't know me at all anymore. and that is okay. but for me, I want friends that are willing to walk through "the changing" with me. isn't that what you would want?
though I am uncertain as to how this season will end or lead into another, I am confident it will. winter always ends up succumbing to spring. spring to summer, summer to fall. it all ends and begins again. to me, it is a beautiful thing. to be changed by the circumstances around you. leaves change colors and flowers bloom and the sun shines and the rain falls. all altering it's environment. leaving some things weathered, other things refreshed.
to resist a season is impossible. you ride a season out. you lean into it. you glean from it. you learn the wind patterns and how to smell the rain.
and you come out dead or alive. and i have determination; to come out alive, with or without you. and I am challenged to choose peace regardless of your choice.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
"you just gotta"
I don't want to envy everyone else's happiness anymore. Those of you who love your job make me sick. Not sick in the angry way, sick in the jealous way. And I realize that you're happy because you have a dream and you're living it. I have bought into the delusion that if what you do brings YOU joy, it must bring me joy, too.
Anthropology brings Dr. Temperance Brennan joy and thrill on the show Bones. (don't laugh at me.) Being a missionary brings my friends Ryan and Laci purpose and joy. Being a stay at home mom brings my friend Casey joy. Being a nurse brings my friend Amanda joy. Being on the radio brings my friend Denee' joy and excitement. Working in an office brings my friend Julie joy. Being a Physician Assistant brings Kelbie really funny stories. Being an advisor at Paul Mitchell school brings Elizabeth laughter and new friends. My friend Chelsea owns her own business and she is a success. My friend Christy teaches voice and loves it.
And I'm a nurse. I kind of loathe it. I have no compassion anymore. And because I don't like it, I think that doing whatever you're doing will fix me. If it makes you happy, won't it bring me satisfaction, too? No wonder I can't pinpoint what to do next. You all have laid out so many options... and I continue to process through these new thoughts.
A dark bitterness remains deep within me toward the God. What has been real; what has been fake? Will the truth ever appear? Wrestling with even wanting it to surface. I would prefer a silent sink. Why the hell am I here? Twenty-three, a bitter nurse, lost, and disconnected from the One who created me. Come on, God...You gotta know better than this...you just gotta.
Anthropology brings Dr. Temperance Brennan joy and thrill on the show Bones. (don't laugh at me.) Being a missionary brings my friends Ryan and Laci purpose and joy. Being a stay at home mom brings my friend Casey joy. Being a nurse brings my friend Amanda joy. Being on the radio brings my friend Denee' joy and excitement. Working in an office brings my friend Julie joy. Being a Physician Assistant brings Kelbie really funny stories. Being an advisor at Paul Mitchell school brings Elizabeth laughter and new friends. My friend Chelsea owns her own business and she is a success. My friend Christy teaches voice and loves it.
And I'm a nurse. I kind of loathe it. I have no compassion anymore. And because I don't like it, I think that doing whatever you're doing will fix me. If it makes you happy, won't it bring me satisfaction, too? No wonder I can't pinpoint what to do next. You all have laid out so many options... and I continue to process through these new thoughts.
A dark bitterness remains deep within me toward the God. What has been real; what has been fake? Will the truth ever appear? Wrestling with even wanting it to surface. I would prefer a silent sink. Why the hell am I here? Twenty-three, a bitter nurse, lost, and disconnected from the One who created me. Come on, God...You gotta know better than this...you just gotta.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
It's this music...
It's this music... John Fluker's Sound of Peace is currently playing out of Pandora. There are so many forms of music, and all of it shares small secrets about it's composer. So many composers. Each expressing themselves through the combination of the keys. I desperately want in on it.
I have said for the last several years that I am not the artsy type. I am not creative. I do not have the patience for crafts. Pinterest stresses me out.
But when I reflect, I remember that I am creative and artsy and a composer of sorts. It was what I did. It was who I was. As I listen to all this music, I envision myself at the piano. Or I see myself directing a band in what I, myself, have written for them.
Could it be possible? Could it be possible to do all of these dreams? Could it be possible to be a nurse and a musician and a missionary and a wife and a mommy?
I have said for the last several years that I am not the artsy type. I am not creative. I do not have the patience for crafts. Pinterest stresses me out.
But when I reflect, I remember that I am creative and artsy and a composer of sorts. It was what I did. It was who I was. As I listen to all this music, I envision myself at the piano. Or I see myself directing a band in what I, myself, have written for them.
Could it be possible? Could it be possible to do all of these dreams? Could it be possible to be a nurse and a musician and a missionary and a wife and a mommy?
Monday, April 16, 2012
to be certain
To be certain of just one thing I wish I could be.
To have that one truth that doubt cannot creep in on.
I know who God is. But, I'm not so certain He is my truth.
How can a God as big as He is, not be so finite with a future for me?
God as omniscient as He is, He stunts me.
How can a God as big as He is, not be so finite with a future for me?
God as omniscient as He is, He stunts me.
God restrains me. He must. Otherwise...
...I could figure out who I am supposed to be. I promise; whatever it is, I will be it well. nurse, musician, missionary, wife, mommy, doctor, manager. I can do it. please, just tell me, what.is.it.? and please, don't make me be a nurse forever. God knows I hate it so.
...I could figure out who I am supposed to be. I promise; whatever it is, I will be it well. nurse, musician, missionary, wife, mommy, doctor, manager. I can do it. please, just tell me, what.is.it.? and please, don't make me be a nurse forever. God knows I hate it so.
I understand it's impossible, but I feel like He's lied to me. Is all this uncertainty truly plans to prosper me, to give me hope and a future? (Jeremiah 29:11). Is all this questioning truly instructing me in the way of wisdom and leading me along straight paths? (Proverbs 4:11). If what the Word says is true, why isn't He doing it?
Psalm 27:14 says, "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14 says, "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Pardon? Wait for what?
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Made For
So, I met this guy, Michael, Wednesday night. Don't get your panties in a wad, he lives in Washington and that sort of settles it. But, he was sweet. We talked about a lot, and one was a mutual love of music. Not the radio kind, but the deep rich sounds of Chopin and Mozart.
Michael is a classical pianist who was pressured by his uncle to pursue a "real job." In the same way, several well-meaning family members of my own pressured the same thing on me. I cried myself to sleep for months due to internal conflict; music-my life, or nursing-good money, steady job? Their suggestions were wise, and I felt I would fall flat on my face in life if I didn't choose what they said.
I remember thinking that Fall of 2007, "If I choose nursing, will there ever come a day when I will regret not choosing music?"
Today, my friends, at approximately 7:08 PM, I felt the weight of that regret.
You see, I made mention a few weeks ago about buying a piano and picking up lessons. Even considered repairing my clarinet's padding. I made mental note to remember to bring my guitar back here from my hometown, where it's sat since my last move.
I don't think meeting Michael from Barnes and Noble was an accident or unplanned. That night, I remembered that I'm worth investing into. I remembered to chase my dreams. I remembered that only I can be wholly me.
I love to make music. It's my other half. It's what completes me. In soul, in mind, and in strength. It's what I was made for.
Michael is a classical pianist who was pressured by his uncle to pursue a "real job." In the same way, several well-meaning family members of my own pressured the same thing on me. I cried myself to sleep for months due to internal conflict; music-my life, or nursing-good money, steady job? Their suggestions were wise, and I felt I would fall flat on my face in life if I didn't choose what they said.
I remember thinking that Fall of 2007, "If I choose nursing, will there ever come a day when I will regret not choosing music?"
Today, my friends, at approximately 7:08 PM, I felt the weight of that regret.
You see, I made mention a few weeks ago about buying a piano and picking up lessons. Even considered repairing my clarinet's padding. I made mental note to remember to bring my guitar back here from my hometown, where it's sat since my last move.
I don't think meeting Michael from Barnes and Noble was an accident or unplanned. That night, I remembered that I'm worth investing into. I remembered to chase my dreams. I remembered that only I can be wholly me.
I love to make music. It's my other half. It's what completes me. In soul, in mind, and in strength. It's what I was made for.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
egg vomit and corn poop
I'm fairly certain that Jesus did not say the "F" word. However, I, in all my sinful glory, did at work today. On my way to lunch. Frustrated by not being able to meet the demands of six ill patients. Angry because they needed more than I could disperse between so many of them.
I need a pain pill. I am cold. I need fresh water. My IV is beeping. Could you call my doctor?
I can't do it all. I can't do it all as fast as they want it done. No, I can't give you your test results, because I'm not a doctor. No, I can't consult another physician, because I'm not a doctor. No, I can't give you a pain pill at the same time his IV is beeping while talking to her doctor with one phone on one ear and my charge nurse on the other. I can't do it all.
I have been trying very hard to not complain at work. But, can I be honest and just say that I am so tired? Tired of failing miserably at an attempt to please the sick customer. I was not made for this. Not made for being a nurse.
I don't like the blue scrubs everyday, or the hair in a ponytail, or the long hours. I hate the cafeteria food because it makes me fatter. I hate waking up at 5:15 AM. I hate military time. I hate medical jargon. I hate being a nurse. I hate that it all makes me say the "F" word. I hate that I have no compassion anymore. I hate that I'm expected to clean up egg vomit, corn poop, and metallic smelling blood without gagging.
I loathe even more than I'm paying some dumb lender $30,000 (+) in order to even do it.
What in all the world was I thinking? What in all of creation was HE thinking?
eff
What am I made for?
I need a pain pill. I am cold. I need fresh water. My IV is beeping. Could you call my doctor?
I can't do it all. I can't do it all as fast as they want it done. No, I can't give you your test results, because I'm not a doctor. No, I can't consult another physician, because I'm not a doctor. No, I can't give you a pain pill at the same time his IV is beeping while talking to her doctor with one phone on one ear and my charge nurse on the other. I can't do it all.
I have been trying very hard to not complain at work. But, can I be honest and just say that I am so tired? Tired of failing miserably at an attempt to please the sick customer. I was not made for this. Not made for being a nurse.
I don't like the blue scrubs everyday, or the hair in a ponytail, or the long hours. I hate the cafeteria food because it makes me fatter. I hate waking up at 5:15 AM. I hate military time. I hate medical jargon. I hate being a nurse. I hate that it all makes me say the "F" word. I hate that I have no compassion anymore. I hate that I'm expected to clean up egg vomit, corn poop, and metallic smelling blood without gagging.
I loathe even more than I'm paying some dumb lender $30,000 (+) in order to even do it.
What in all the world was I thinking? What in all of creation was HE thinking?
eff
What am I made for?
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
...and this is conditional love.
I am sad. The tears-fall-down type sad. It seems as if so many of you think I've turned all evil and black inside. This is far from the truth. And it makes me so sad.
I apologize that I'm not able to work through this the way that you deem best. And I'm sorry that you take offense to the deepest hurt and questions of MY heart. I am sorry that I cannot meet the expectations that you seem to feel is so capable for me to reach.
I DO love Jesus. Granted, I haven't been able to so freely say that as of late, but I do. If I didn't, I wouldn't be taking the measures of seeking help.
Let me be plain. Some of you aren't helping. You know who you are. You're accusing. And if I was someone else, your responses would make me easily throw up my hands to the cause of Jesus.
I've never talked about you, accused you, or called you out. In fact, I've tried to always be encouraging and lend an open ear to hear whatever your hearts have had to say. It's disappointing and hurtful that many of you can't seem to return the same.
He never cut someone off.
Just do your thing. Leave me to mine.
I apologize that I'm not able to work through this the way that you deem best. And I'm sorry that you take offense to the deepest hurt and questions of MY heart. I am sorry that I cannot meet the expectations that you seem to feel is so capable for me to reach.
I DO love Jesus. Granted, I haven't been able to so freely say that as of late, but I do. If I didn't, I wouldn't be taking the measures of seeking help.
Let me be plain. Some of you aren't helping. You know who you are. You're accusing. And if I was someone else, your responses would make me easily throw up my hands to the cause of Jesus.
I've never talked about you, accused you, or called you out. In fact, I've tried to always be encouraging and lend an open ear to hear whatever your hearts have had to say. It's disappointing and hurtful that many of you can't seem to return the same.
He never cut someone off.
Just do your thing. Leave me to mine.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
#hatday #funday #sunday
I couldn't bring myself to walk into church doors this morning.
I drove to Mountain View yesterday to say "see ya later" to my 18 year old sister that moved to Texas this morning. I stayed the night with my grandparents. My other sister, Shelby, wanted me to go to church with her. So, I woke up early, got dressed, and started the hour drive to her church. I pulled into the parking lot, and I was early. My family is late.
I pulled out my tweezers and started to pluck at unwanted hairs. (You can always see better in the car mirrors...) Then, I just got mad.
What the hell do you really think you are doing here? You don't want to celebrate the risen Christ. You aren't even truly serving the risen Christ. You panic over taking communion, can you really sit through an entire service in an unfamiliar place pretending to worship the one you are so skeptical of?
So I drove away. I called my mother and my father to let them know, but neither one answered their phones. Oh well, they'll figure it out when they don't see me there. And back on the road to Springfield I went.
I could go to the West Campus of James River's service. They have a late service. Or, I could just not go anywhere. Wait a second... Not go anywhere on Easter Sunday? A Sunday that even non-believers seem to make it out of the woods to attend church on? And I can't seem to bring myself to even WANT to go in.
Today: it's just another day. I will place my hat, jacket, and flip flops on, grab my laptop, journal, and purse, and head to the nearest Panera to write this blog and journal write and people watch.
And marvel at those who have as much joy in the risen Jesus as I once did. And question how they have sustained it. And ponder what truth is really true. And reflect on goodness being God-given or circumstantial.
....and so I write.
I drove to Mountain View yesterday to say "see ya later" to my 18 year old sister that moved to Texas this morning. I stayed the night with my grandparents. My other sister, Shelby, wanted me to go to church with her. So, I woke up early, got dressed, and started the hour drive to her church. I pulled into the parking lot, and I was early. My family is late.
I pulled out my tweezers and started to pluck at unwanted hairs. (You can always see better in the car mirrors...) Then, I just got mad.
What the hell do you really think you are doing here? You don't want to celebrate the risen Christ. You aren't even truly serving the risen Christ. You panic over taking communion, can you really sit through an entire service in an unfamiliar place pretending to worship the one you are so skeptical of?
So I drove away. I called my mother and my father to let them know, but neither one answered their phones. Oh well, they'll figure it out when they don't see me there. And back on the road to Springfield I went.
I could go to the West Campus of James River's service. They have a late service. Or, I could just not go anywhere. Wait a second... Not go anywhere on Easter Sunday? A Sunday that even non-believers seem to make it out of the woods to attend church on? And I can't seem to bring myself to even WANT to go in.
Today: it's just another day. I will place my hat, jacket, and flip flops on, grab my laptop, journal, and purse, and head to the nearest Panera to write this blog and journal write and people watch.
And marvel at those who have as much joy in the risen Jesus as I once did. And question how they have sustained it. And ponder what truth is really true. And reflect on goodness being God-given or circumstantial.
....and so I write.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
...you should choose Him
This time last year, I remember.
I remember because I was so excited about this coming Sunday. Resurrection Sunday, they call it. Easter. The excitement in my soul was invigorating. I cried reflecting on His sacrifice Good Friday, but knew that joy came riding in on Sunday morning.
Everyone around me knew that Easter was coming. I couldn't keep quiet about it. I text messaged friends, I Facebook status-ed it, and I talked nonstop about it at work. The day I celebrated most. My favorite "holiday"...even topping Christmas. He was born on Christmas, but I celebrate being SAVED on Easter.
Tonight during service, I remembered last year. Which enabled me to compare that excitement to the melancholy this week.
They prayed for unsaved people tonight. That loved ones would come to know Him as their Savior on Sunday. That many people would come to church on Sunday and hear the Good News.
I prayed. I did. It felt unnatural. But I prayed for you who have never experienced Him. That you would. Test it for yourself.
Because I know what life is like with Him and without Him. It is somewhat less complicated with Him. Despite my current thoughts on some issues, I know that you would be better off with Him. Saved, actually...and loved by Him.
This year is different for me, but regardless of where my heart lies right now, you should choose Him.
I remember because I was so excited about this coming Sunday. Resurrection Sunday, they call it. Easter. The excitement in my soul was invigorating. I cried reflecting on His sacrifice Good Friday, but knew that joy came riding in on Sunday morning.
Everyone around me knew that Easter was coming. I couldn't keep quiet about it. I text messaged friends, I Facebook status-ed it, and I talked nonstop about it at work. The day I celebrated most. My favorite "holiday"...even topping Christmas. He was born on Christmas, but I celebrate being SAVED on Easter.
Tonight during service, I remembered last year. Which enabled me to compare that excitement to the melancholy this week.
They prayed for unsaved people tonight. That loved ones would come to know Him as their Savior on Sunday. That many people would come to church on Sunday and hear the Good News.
I prayed. I did. It felt unnatural. But I prayed for you who have never experienced Him. That you would. Test it for yourself.
Because I know what life is like with Him and without Him. It is somewhat less complicated with Him. Despite my current thoughts on some issues, I know that you would be better off with Him. Saved, actually...and loved by Him.
This year is different for me, but regardless of where my heart lies right now, you should choose Him.
un-title-able
my room is cluttered and disorganized. my blackout curtains (from night shift work) still hang on panel nails. one black cross hangs on the wall across from the head of my bed. one mirror hangs beside my door. oh, and i just pinned up a painting from haiti above my headboard.
my soul aches a little bit today. i feel lonely. even though i spent a two hour brunch with friends from work, then headed to meet up with another friend for another hour.
now here i am in bed. because i. am. so. tired. could be just from working so much lately. but, also, when i sleep, i don't have to think. i'm not worried about the issues i can't seem to work through. i'm not bothering others with text messages or Facebook posts. i'm not alone. i simply listen to music and hope for a drift off to some light hearted dreamland.
tonight is a church night. and i do not want to go. i want to drink the full bottle of moscato i picked up from HyVee earlier. i want to pour a hot bath, and generously fill a glass of this sweet stuff, and then pour a second, and a third one.
i remember feeling hope in Jesus. being hope-full. of something greater and of something more than the here and now. i do not sense that now. i sense a lulling. a dull, numb, hopeless ache. a silent truth that screams there is nothing more. that i stay where i am because the truth is, the truth IS, that there is nothing more. and even if there were, i am not good enough for Him to get to it.
and a sense of hatred toward the One i was once willing to die for overwhelms me.
and it still shocks me.
un-redeeming.
yet, the Word of God says,
"If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath." Psalm 34:18 (MSG)
this is not my truth right now. but, i kind of really wish it was. hate Him/love Him...it's back and forth. i'll never be who i was ever again. can i love Him like i used to love Him? can i be unshakeable in Him? will He heal my mind? will He help me with my sadness and hurt and heart pain? even when there's nothing that specifically has caused it all? can He help me love Him again?
...and so i drink wine.
my soul aches a little bit today. i feel lonely. even though i spent a two hour brunch with friends from work, then headed to meet up with another friend for another hour.
now here i am in bed. because i. am. so. tired. could be just from working so much lately. but, also, when i sleep, i don't have to think. i'm not worried about the issues i can't seem to work through. i'm not bothering others with text messages or Facebook posts. i'm not alone. i simply listen to music and hope for a drift off to some light hearted dreamland.
tonight is a church night. and i do not want to go. i want to drink the full bottle of moscato i picked up from HyVee earlier. i want to pour a hot bath, and generously fill a glass of this sweet stuff, and then pour a second, and a third one.
i remember feeling hope in Jesus. being hope-full. of something greater and of something more than the here and now. i do not sense that now. i sense a lulling. a dull, numb, hopeless ache. a silent truth that screams there is nothing more. that i stay where i am because the truth is, the truth IS, that there is nothing more. and even if there were, i am not good enough for Him to get to it.
and a sense of hatred toward the One i was once willing to die for overwhelms me.
and it still shocks me.
un-redeeming.
yet, the Word of God says,
"If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath." Psalm 34:18 (MSG)
this is not my truth right now. but, i kind of really wish it was. hate Him/love Him...it's back and forth. i'll never be who i was ever again. can i love Him like i used to love Him? can i be unshakeable in Him? will He heal my mind? will He help me with my sadness and hurt and heart pain? even when there's nothing that specifically has caused it all? can He help me love Him again?
...and so i drink wine.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
covered or sprinkled
There are so many sounds in this world. Though I hear Mercy's "Code Blue" sound infrequently, it's one that I can hear long after it stops screaming. There's a life on the line. A heart pump that threatens to quit. Two lungs that are tempted to stop exchanging. Two eyes that stare straight at you, with pinpoint pupils. Sometimes, you wish you didn't see those eyes. They tend to speak to you.
On the drive home, you re-evaluate the situation. Tonight, my heart breaks for families of ceasing loved ones. The anguish all throughout their body. The hand forgets what it's touching. The face wracks unconsolably. The foot shakes uncontrollably. The soul tears a little. Shock rips through their brain. I watch and I want to hold them. I want to let them beat upon my chest and yell out, "Why, dear God, why?!"
And he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21 (ESV).
We all end up in the ground covered in dirt or sprinkled in the ocean. Tonight, I'm extra aware of that.
On the drive home, you re-evaluate the situation. Tonight, my heart breaks for families of ceasing loved ones. The anguish all throughout their body. The hand forgets what it's touching. The face wracks unconsolably. The foot shakes uncontrollably. The soul tears a little. Shock rips through their brain. I watch and I want to hold them. I want to let them beat upon my chest and yell out, "Why, dear God, why?!"
And he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21 (ESV).
We all end up in the ground covered in dirt or sprinkled in the ocean. Tonight, I'm extra aware of that.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
the music heals
It's the soft whisper of a piano, classic. The keys merge to bring melodious waves of refreshing. Breezes of harmony brought in the anticipation of the ascent toward climactic performance.
A chaotic clash in the midst of a noted story. Favorite part for a musician to play, and the longest to perfect. But when it becomes flawless, the triumph of completion overwhelms.
And the descent is approached with such delicacy. Such caution to ensure the listener is left with a deep relieving sigh.
Music ensembles heal. The hearer's heartbeat quickens and slows with each crescendo and decrescendo. The lungs expand deeply and collapse silently. Calming restoration of the mind begins and useless thoughts are removed. The soul is soothed from the challenges of the day.
Music heals. It removes and restores. It quickens and it calms. It forces and it relaxes. It heals.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Lean In
"Lean into the pain. Stay there in the questions, in the doubts, in the wonderings and loneliness, the tension of now-and-not-yet until you are satisfied that God is there, too. You will not find your answers by ignoring, by living a life of intellectual or spiritual dishonesty. Your fear will try to hold you back, your tension will increase, the pain will become intense and it will be tempting to keep clinging tight. So be gentle with yourself. Be gentle. Lean in. Stay there. And then the release will come." -Sarah Bessey
I'm numb. Purposefully so. So much hurt and disappointment in the past. And following Jesus isn't supposed to hurt, right? Or am I so wrong with that? Tonight, my church held a healing service. This is not a frequent occurrence. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's the first one I have been to. Hundreds and hundreds of people lined up to be prayed for. I heard one girl praying loudly for the one in front of her; storming the gates of Heaven for an answer. I began to breathe faster and pick at my cuticles. I thought, "How, dear Jesus, how do I believe in this again?" I didn't get a reply, and I had to mentally force myself to not panic while sitting in the middle of a long aisle in a big church.
Prayer and healing; two of the biggest passions of my [former] life. I prayed like that girl. I believed God would heal. But, then He didn't. ...and He didn't again. ...and He didn't again. And with weak faith, I stopped a lot of things, and apparently believing in prayer and healing was one of them. Maybe it's not even that I don't believe in them, but I now am certain He doesn't want me to be a part of the process. I am so far from being who He wants me to be. And sincerely, I am SO sorry about that. I've been trying. Really, I have. Trying really hard to love Him and to desire Him and to seek Him and to hear Him.
I've listened to so many people's advice. Including most of you who read this blog. I LISTEN to you. I hear you. And I try what you suggest. Even that isn't working. I need to just be who this is coming out of me for a little while. I want to let Him shape it and mold it according to His image. I love you, and I want you to be a part of this journey, because I am certain it has a positive end. But please, just don't judge me.
I've listened to so many people's advice. Including most of you who read this blog. I LISTEN to you. I hear you. And I try what you suggest. Even that isn't working. I need to just be who this is coming out of me for a little while. I want to let Him shape it and mold it according to His image. I love you, and I want you to be a part of this journey, because I am certain it has a positive end. But please, just don't judge me.
I scream on the inside. My heart pounds. My stomach flips. My head aches. and my heart feels like it cracks a little more. Jesus, You aren't supposed to hurt. You're supposed to help me.
Be with me, Jesus. Release me from this tension. I am weary from it. As I lean into this pain, teach me to breathe through it. I'm staying here, Jesus, until the breakthrough comes. No matter how painful.
Be with me, Jesus. Release me from this tension. I am weary from it. As I lean into this pain, teach me to breathe through it. I'm staying here, Jesus, until the breakthrough comes. No matter how painful.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
repentance
Dear Jesus,
I'm better at writing stuff down than talking out loud. Here's the thing, I'm not really thrilled with all that's been happening in my heart, soul, and mind lately. I felt so let down by Your Dad. So shoved by the wayside. That my heart's desires didn't really matter to Him. And, as I'm sure you know, I've been doubting whether He truly is good. I set out to prove that He's not. But the wound has only gotten deeper and more infected. I was so wrong...
I see so many people around me that have a concerned look on their face, and their responses to my words are long and intense. So much so, that I don't even understand all that they mean. All that didn't matter to me for a long time, but now I'm just afraid. And though there are so many people saying they're here for me, I've never felt more alone and different.
I see so many people around me that have a concerned look on their face, and their responses to my words are long and intense. So much so, that I don't even understand all that they mean. All that didn't matter to me for a long time, but now I'm just afraid. And though there are so many people saying they're here for me, I've never felt more alone and different.
I realize that I've chosen a lot to get myself in this position. Chosen to ignore any attempt You made to help me. I didn't fully understand the consequences of that until now. Now I find that even when I try to pray to You, the words just won't come.
But, the deal is, is that I know that this is a big spiritual battle. It was probably a lot smaller when it started, but by my allowance and the length, this has become so much bigger than I can fight alone. I'm sorry for what I've done and what I've allowed, and I really need Your help. I've made such a mess.
Amen
p.s. that was kinda hard to do.
Monday, March 19, 2012
jealous, much?
let's just call it like it is: i have major jealousy issues.
my view may be distorted, but what i see is a whole lot of happiness. my ridiculous, newly-turned, 18 year old sister is moving to texas in 3 weeks. first it was "sometime this year", then "in May", now it's "in 3 weeks." excuse me if i don't share her enthusiasm.
she's moving for a boy, who she's not engaged to, but they're "planning a wedding" for january, 2013. pardon, but shouldn't you be engaged officially before a date for a wedding is set? she doesn't even have her own vehicle.
what surfaces even more than anger at her retarded-ness, is my own freaking jealousy. she is 18 gosh dang years old! i am TWENTY-THREE, her older sister, and a maid. not that i'm only jealous that she's found her one, but i'm jealous because God is unfolding her dreams before her.
my middle sister is happily married. has a child, and is eagerly anticipating more children. i'm jealous of her. jealous that all she ever wanted has so easily been given to her.
why is He so slow to move? i've followed and done things that i always said i'd never do in pursuit of a dream birthed by Him. He said go to nursing school, i did. He said work on 6B, so i did. He said, have roommates, so i have. i've followed in faith that through obedience, this dream to leave the country and teach babies about Him, would come to fruition.
but it feels like He's just crapped on it. i'm stuck in a mountain high amount of student loans that i can barely keep up with. i've been stuck in mercy hospital for 2 miserable years. and i've had more roommates than i had diaper changes as a baby.
and my response is really wanting to crap on Him. i don't want to keep following this road blindly, just trusting that the "next turn" could be it. i don't want to pray "circles" around it believing that i'm "just a prayer away". because i've been doing that, and it's NOT working.
jealousy, it is ugly. but this is the truth.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
quicksand and redemption - revised!
You've read and walked with me the past few months... Stay with me.
A few weeks ago, a close friend and I got into a major fight. With much more going on in my heart and mind than just this argument, I made a decision to react terribly. It's consequence: a hugely torn friendship. For three weeks, I could have cared less about ever repairing the friendship. Not because she didn't matter to me, but because I didn't have any energy to fight for good. I've learned that fighting for good takes a lot more strength than dwelling in the bad. It's easy to sink in quicksand. Getting out of it requires strength, patience, and...help.
Let me elaborate about quicksand. What is it and how is it created? "Quicksand is created when water saturates an area of loose sand and the ordinary sand is agitated. When the water trapped in the batch of sand can't escape, it creates liquefied soil that can no longer support weight."
How do you get out of quicksand? "If you ever find yourself in a pit of quicksand, don't worry -- it's not going to swallow you whole, and it's not as hard to escape from as you might think. The key is to not panic. Most people who drown in quicksand, or any liquid for that matter, are usually those who panic and begin flailing their arms and legs. The worst thing to do is to thrash around in the sand and move your arms and legs through the mixture. You will only succeed in forcing yourself farther down into the liquid sandpit. The best thing to do is to make slow movements and bring yourself to the surface, then just lie back. You'll float to a safe level. When you try pulling your leg out of quicksand, you are working against a vacuum left behind by the movement."
I feel as though I'm in quicksand. I've been thrashing around, flailing my arms, and resisting aid. Sometimes I found myself just wishing it would just suck me under. The slow process of coming up out of it seems too hard to fight for. Still too many questions unanswered. Still too much pride needing humbled. Still too much forgiveness I need to request.
I still question how the great big God of the universe could be so intertwined into my daily life. All the promises I stood on. Those words I thought were His to me... do they still apply?
Today, my friend and I talked. And, we're meeting up for dinner to talk some more. I prefaced our meeting for tonight with these words, "...i'll talk to you tonight, but I'm sorry for being such a jerky person and friend lately."
her unbelievable reply, "it's okay Kayla!!! I still love ya ;)"
I lost it, guys. I tried to stop the salty tears from running down my cheeks, but they simply wouldn't. I was shocked. She forgave me SO quickly. No justification...no hesitation. Just forgave.
It was then that I sensed in my heart, "if she, a human, can forgive such an ugly person as I, how much more can this God forgive me?" I've been so unwilling to surrender. So unwilling to ask forgiveness. "What if He doesn't forgive me? What if He punishes me by taking away His promises? What if He's no longer on my side anymore? I can't pray to Him. I'm still trying to decide whether or not He's for really REAL as I have been taught He is." and my brain spun and tears dripped off my chin. and people stared at me at starbucks.
i sensed the word redemption in my heart. So, I pulled up youversion.com and word searched redemption, then redeeming, then redeemed. I found these verses. Isaiah 44:22 struck me the hardest. I feel beckoned. But can I surrender? Can I trust fall into Him again? What if my mind thinks crazy things still? What if I still question and push away those who love me? What if I can never be who I was before this? What if I can't simply love like I could before? What if I'm radically different, but not in the good way?
Psalm 31:5, "Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God."
Nehemiah 1:10, "They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand."
Isaiah 52:3, "You were sold for nothing, and you shall be redeemed without money."
Isaiah 35:9, "No lion shall be there, nor shall any ravenous beast come upon it; they shall not be found there, but the redeemed shall walk there."
Isaiah 44:22, "I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you."
what a day!
Monday, March 12, 2012
grasping at pleasure
Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the LORD and he will give you your heart's desires.
take: to hold, grasp, or grip.
delight: something that gives great pleasure.
"Grasp something that gives great pleasure...from Him."
is He trying to give me a gift?
coming off of my birthday week high, i've received more gifts than are countable. despite feeling super loved, i have a extremely high level of anxiety in my soul. at first, i thought it was the wine...or the sangria.
i'm still trying to figure out my heart's desire. that proverbial question, "what do you want?" i wish i could answer it. but, the truth is that i truly do not know what i want.
what strikes me about this verse is that before He even gives the desires of the heart, He requests me to take delight in Him. not gonna lie, that's been kinda hard lately. not because i feel like He's screwed me over or something... just because i simply find that i don't desire Him. i need to know why i'm feeling those feelings, though.
so i can fix it. so i can make it better.
if He is wanting to give me something of pleasure to grasp onto, what is it? what does it look like?
is He as pleasurable as you say?
Friday, March 9, 2012
it's harder without Him...
have you ever been... in a battle? you know... a spiritual battle?
i think i've been in one. actually, i'm pretty positive. as much as i hate to admit it...
i've been pretty angry lately...and foggy, and distant, and cynical. sarcastic, mean, and ugly. and though i've been writing to clear my head of all the junk floating around, i realized through some of my friends yesterday that it's really not cool to write it and post it for all the world to see.
so my response to that realization is this post.
yesterday, i felt like God gave me something to grasp. i knew Galatians was something i needed to read, (as i shared in yesterday's blog) and chapter three was literally like having a conversation with God.
Galatians 3:1-
God: "You crazy [Kayla]! Did someone put a hex on you?"
Me: "ummm, maybe."
God: "Have you taken leave of your senses?"
Me: "well, i have actually thought i had lost my mind..."
God: "Something crazy has happened..."
Me: "yes, yes it has!"
Me: "yes, yes it has!"
God: "...for it's obvious that you no longer have the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your [life]. His sacrifice on the Cross was certainly set before you clearly enough."
Me: "oh yea...i'm remembering now..."
i don't know what happened... "something crazy" according to Galatians... but, i do know i don't want this anymore. my choice to "explore other options than Him" days... i need them to be over with. it doesn't work. even though there's hard times with Him, it's harder without Him. (right there I wanted to add "harder without Him...i think." but i didn't.) there's a serious darkness out there. it does a lot of confusing. i've never been more confused...ever... than i've been lately. down to boldly questioning the very One's existence.
please acknowledge that I am, indeed, probably crazy. So, in two days if a post contradicts what this one says, just be patient with me. i'm working it out... i'm not sure exactly what i want. it changes with each breath.
but realizing this... He's gotta be constant. otherwise, my exploration to prove otherwise would have obtained validation. but it hasn't. He's the constant. I'm the variable.
i'm seeing His constant through my friends who are like... loving me... even when i've shot arrows at the God they love and serve.
so weird!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
it's not about me.
it's not about me.
by choosing Christ, i am to choose selflessness. i had coffee with a friend today. i thought she had sincerely been ignoring me. but she hadn't been. i love you, friend.
on my drive home, i could barely wait to type. i had "Galatians" on my mind. so i opened it up (on youversion.com) and in the MSG and started to read.
and it hit me deep and hard. Galatians 3.
1 You crazy Galatians! Did someone put a hex on you? Have you taken leave of your senses? Something crazy has happened, for it's obvious that you no longer have the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your lives. His sacrifice on the Cross was certainly set before you clearly enough.
2 Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's Message to you?3 Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it?4 Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!
I don't even really know what to add to this, because it's just so clear. So, I'll continue.
5 Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust him to do them in you?6 Don't these things happen among you just as they happened with Abraham? He believed God, and that act of belief was turned into a life that was right with God.
7 Is it not obvious to you that persons who put their trust in Christ (not persons who put their trust in the law!) are like Abraham: children of faith?8 It was all laid out beforehand in Scripture that God would set things right with non-Jews by faith. Scripture anticipated this in the promise to Abraham: "All nations will be blessed in you."
9 So those now who live by faith are blessed along with Abraham, who lived by faith-this is no new doctrine!10 And that means that anyone who tries to live by his own effort, independent of God, is doomed to failure. Scripture backs this up: "Utterly cursed is every person who fails to carry out every detail written in the Book of the law."
Cursed? My sole goal has been to live by my own effort the last few weeks, maybe months... doomed to failure? oh crap. shall i go on?
11 The obvious impossibility of carrying out such a moral program should make it plain that no one can sustain a relationship with God that way. The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you. Habakkuk had it right: "The person who believes God, is set right by God-and that's the real life."
Whoa... what just happened??
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