Chocolate Love

"No matter how wonderful a taste of relational fullness you have, you will want 

more... Eve is a  bottomless well of longing.  Jesus alone is the never-ending fount, 

which can slake her thirst.  No other source, no other relationship will fully satisfy.  

God made us that way.  On purpose." 

-John & Stasi Eldredge, Captivating

Chocolate Love

Imagine that you had never tasted chocolate before.  Imagine that you did not even know it existed.  And then one day, someone said, "Hey! Would you like some chocolate?!" I would think that you may at first be hesitant to try something that you had never tasted before, let alone even heard of!  Cautiously, you put out the palm of your hand and receive a piece of chocolate.  You may ask, "What does it taste like?"  Your friend says, "Just trust me...it's delicious."

Still not convinced, you place the piece of chocolate into your mouth.  Now, (if you're like me), you supernaturally begin to hear the angels singing the Hallelujah chorus, a NASCAR stadium cheering loudly, a July 4th fireworks show, and behold, your tongue was just introduced to the outer realm of heaven.  Once you tasted it once, you could potentially binge on it.  (especially dark chocolate! nom nom...)

I've been talking a lot about relationships lately.  And, well, here I go again.  I can't help it.  God is doing something and I want you to know about it.

I love the family God gave me to.  They're wild and funny.  They are farmers, four wheel riders, cinnamon roll makers, board game players, and fall harvest party extraordinaires.  They're close knit and rely heavily upon each other for help in child-rearing, chicken-butchering, and cutting wood for winter.  And like most families, they. are. dysfunctional.  They also have no sense of what healthy boundaries are.

My mom and I fought literally almost every day of my time at home.  (not exaggerating)  Hating each other was just what we knew.  My dad worked 60-70+ hours a week.  It was his way of avoiding the domestic chaos.  My heart learned to hide.  Hiding kept me safe.  (or so I thought...)  After all, no one can trample a heart, (or love it), that has coated itself in concrete walls with barbed wire coiled on top.

As my process in counseling continues, I've learned how to chip at that concrete and expose my heart very carefully and slowly to safe people in my life.  

However, this part of it makes me feel extremely needy.  Just like someone who has tasted chocolate for the first time, my heart senses safe, sees healthy, and feels cherished for the first time in a long time.  And once you've had good chocolate, you want more...and more...and more.  Praise God for loving me enough to place additional family, healthy people in my life who are cautious and tender with my heart.  I feel like I should be careful.  Don't eat too much, Kayla...they're not going anywhere.

Like most female humans, I often feel that my heart is seriously waaaay too much to handle.  Shoot, it's too much for ME to handle, let alone for someone else!  Just like John & Stasi write in the quote above, we are "bottomless wells of longing"...and only Jesus is going to ever fully fill us.  He made us this way because He is the one who wants that place in our life.

Currently, I'm navigating... navigating this seemingly increasing neediness, my worth, my place in this city, my future, and growing with Jesus. What part of me does Jesus fill?  What part of me do people fill?  Every time I feel like I get a little closer to figuring out who I am, I quickly find myself reevaluating it.

Anyone else relate to this stuff, or am I confusingly rambling?

relationships, forgiveness, boundaries, parents, love, thankfulness

Today at North Point Church, they began a series entitled "Once Upon A Time".  I saw it last night on their Facebook page and I really had a tugging toward it, so I obeyed and went.  Pastor Jeremy talked about relationships that can be toxic in our lives (maybe you're the toxic one...) and how to handle them in a Godly and biblical way.  He spoke on the parable of the prodigal son.

I'd like to share with you some of the points that Pastor Jeremy gave us:

"A toxic person is not someone who annoys you, it is someone who hurts you."

1. Accept my limitations.  I am NOT God!  I cannot control others' choices! I am ONLY responsible for me.  Do not let your life be guilted or controlled by others.

Some people talk about "loving" their toxic person and many times "loving" them means letting go.  Pastor Jeremy said, "If you hug a porcupine, you are going to become a pin cushion."

2. Eliminate all bitterness. Forgive.

Forgiveness has 2 phases:
1) Forgiveness of the offense to God.
2) Forgiveness to the person requesting it.

**NEVER offer forgiveness to the person who doesn't ask for it.***
^Your forgiveness of the offense is first and foremost given to God, so the offender does not need to ask for your forgiveness for you to be healed from the offense.

3. Establish clear boundaries.  If you can't change their actions, change your reactions! Stop letting people hurt you.  STICK TO YOUR BOUNDARIES! They will be tested by the toxic person.  Toxic people flip out when boundaries are installed.  Do not allow yourself to be manipulated.

4. Allow boundaries to create brokenness.  The person who is toxic may call you unspiritual because of your boundaries, but boundaries can be the MOST spiritual thing that you do for a toxic person and yourself.

5. Be quick to forgive.  It is impossible to dish out more forgiveness than you've received.  The goal of establishing boundaries is to bring reconciliation.

The prodigal son's father set boundaries with him, out of love.  He allowed his son to leave and he gave him his inheritance.  And his son left.  But the father did not give up on him.  He waited and he watched and when he saw him returning from afar, he ran up to meet him and greet him and clothe him and feed him.  The son was broken over his choices, and it drove him to return to his father.

Right now, I have very strict boundaries set with my family and relatives.  And they have their opinions on my boundaries for sure.  They feel as if I am withdrawing, removing, separating, and distancing myself from them.  (This is actually true.)  They believe I am doing it because I hate them. (This is not true.)  But, after many years, I began to see the cycle of abuse.  I refuse to be hurt by them any longer.  My heart is my responsibility to guard.  And, I am capable of turning away from harmful things.  I am capable to turn away from it because regardless of their choices to change in the future, I am going to be okay without them.

Being free from toxic relationships allows healthy relationships to form in your life.  For months and months, I prayed that God would bring a father and mother into my life.  The kind who are willing to let me be their child and encourage my strengths and help me with my weaknesses.  The kind who understand boundaries and help me build my own.  Parents who long to hear about my day and what I envision for my future.  The kind who confront me when I'm doing something wrong and can point me in a better way.  Parents who don't quit being parents.  Parents who want me to be with them because they enjoy me.  Parents who like hugs and laughing and talking.

God has answered this in a beautiful way, and I am so thankful.  I love my mom and dad, and I pray that one day reconciliation happens.  But until then, I'm not going to wait to be their kid when other people are asking to be my parents.  Because I need a mom and dad.  Everyone does.

Thank you, God for toxic relationships.  They show me how beautiful healthy ones are.