Opportunities

There were so many opportunities set before me that I got to think about while being away this summer. Leadership opportunities at Realife, a sizable clientel of people to babysit for, a job at a reputable Christian book store, working with administration of JamesRiver, and others. I told just about all of them that I was going to have to pray about all of these. Obviously, with school, I can't do all of them. It would be a lot of haphazardness going on because I wouldn't be able to fully dedicate to any one of them. So, I prayed and sought God most earnestly regarding one particular opportunity. One that would be fun, challenging, growing, and it would add a bit to my schedule.

Toward the end of the trip, I was becoming a tad concerned with the fact that I hadn't really heard from God regarding this opportunity. So, I sat down on my bed with my Bible, prayed, and began to read. As I read, I begged God to work on my heart, and help me solve my dilemma. Before I even left for the trip, I was feeling a bit hesitant about the opportunity. But, it deserved a ton of prayer before making any decisions. And, to be quite honest, I still haven't made a decision. But I read this:

"Everything is permissible"- but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"- but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

1 Corinthians 10:23-24

Now, for you theologians, I understand this doesn't exactly fit in the correct context of what I am dealing with, but at the same time it kinda does. Like, this opportunity doesn't lay an obvious disclaimer such as "Sin or not sin" because then it would be easy to choose what to do. This verse helped clarify a few thoughts. 1. It IS a permissible thing. 2. It may/may not be beneficial to them/me. 3. I truly do want to seek what is best for them.

Join me in praying regarding this.

Second thing of the day, I can't help but continue to think about Carmen. The lady I wrote about a bit ago while I was in El Salvador. God only knows how much I want to go back there. And, if I allow myself to really dwell and think about it, I grow so sad. I kind of feel like I abandoned them. There's so much more I would want to do with the people we worked with. I want to pray for them. Like physically lay hands on them, and cry out to God pleading their case. I pray for them throughout the day while I'm here, but it just isn't the same. I'm not sure why Carmen continues to come to my mind, but so many lessons were learned by her example.

Here are a few thoughts that come to mind when I hear the name Carmen:
1. selfless

2. in pain

3. uninformed about medication she is on

4. worth far more than rubies

5. so alive

I could go on, but I won't. She is still so fresh and vivid in my memory even though it has been over two weeks since meeting her. Will the people who read this please say a prayer for her. That her body would be healed and strengthened as she strives to care for her 50+ year old son. That as the seasons begin to change in El Salvador, she would be taken care of. That someone knowledgeable would take control of the medication issue.

Here's a photo of this Carmen. My sister in Jesus. I can't ask you enough. Please pray for her and her son.

When I look at this picture, all those opportunities I'm in the process of having to sort through...they don't matter. I don't want any of them. I just want to be with her and her people. I know that isn't reality, and I will face the things that await me here...

...i really don't want to, though.

Realization

So, it's the fifth of August, and it's the very beginning of the day. It's 12:15 am. It will never again be August 5, 2009. Why I am not sleeping at this absurd hour of the morning, I will not know. Actually, I think it has something to do with the medicine I am taking. It says it causes dizziness and drowsiness (which it definitely does) but it also contributes to insomnia which I have anyway. :) Not really. . . But, it is more difficult to sleep on this stuff.

Anyway, I am not blogging to discuss pharmacology. I am blogging to talk to you about what God has done in my heart the past few hours. As I was going through boxes, (and unpacking into my new room in a new town in a new house), I was praying and worshipping and asking God to speak to me. Throughout the evening, I have just had this anxious feeling. One that I have often before some mindful breakthrough occurs. I was listening to Hillsongs..."Lead Me To the Cross" specifically, and these thoughts crossed my mind:

There's so much more to Me than Hillsongs, and James River. I am so much bigger than both of them. I want you to know Me more than that. I am not only attracted to how they worship and love me. I love how you worship and love me. Don't put me in that box.

I've been trying to sort through a lot of thoughts lately. Current thoughts and upcoming decisions don't just affect me, now. They affect those around me. They affect those who I've sort of committed myself to. And, quite frankly, it kinda stinks. I wish I was the only one I affected. Selfish, I realize... but you've probably felt the same way before.

God, as I try to sort through all of the craziness in my head, I know You know the outcome. Thank You for loving me, Lord. Thank You for Your hand of favor on my life. Thank You over and over again for being my God. "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." I know You love me. I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. I know You know the outcome of all my crazy thoughts. I know You have the answers. And, I know You want me where You want me way more than I want me where You want me. I trust You, Lord. I trust You with everything I am, and with everything I have. One second with You is way more meaningful than my entire life ever could be without You. Please know I love You. Please know... Allow me the privilege of showing others who You are and what You are all about, Jesus. Sort through my heart's desires, and pull what is not of You. Give me clarity, wisdom, and guidance. Be my guide, Holy Spirit. Provide divine appointments. Keep my heart, Jesus.


xoxo
Kayla

It's been a whole 7 days...

...since being in another country! It's been one heck of a week. Adjusting to hot showers, US food, toilet paper, schedules, and my own bed has been awkward and rather difficult. I knew it would be different, but I never really thought it would be this hard.

I think one of the things that I am finding most difficult is the busy-ness of our society. I'm not frustrated at the wait in lines, or the many cars in the drive-thru. I don't get angry if someone doesn't understand what it is I'm saying, and I'm finding that more and more people aren't as interested in "how they do it in El Salvador is. . ." news. I have my own cell phone, on which I receive many texts and phone calls...which sometimes I'd prefer I didn't receive. :-) And, I'm less motivated to get up and go.

Life is a Mission's trip, and just because I'm not in El Salvador doesn't mean I don't do 24/7 ministry. So, encourage me to live here as I did there. It was simple, and not full of meaningless tasks. I didn't care if my clothes were wrinkled, and if my makeup looked perfect, or if my hair was frizzed. Not saying I want to look like a slob, but I also do not want to fit/conform back into my culture here. I don't.

I have a lot more thoughts running through my head, but I'm just ready to spend some much needed time with Jesus. So, goodbye technology for awhile, and hello simplicity.

-xoxo Kayla

I'm only beginning. . .

. . . this journey that God has called me to.

I'm back in the United States. I think now more than ever I understand the verse in the Bible that talks about how we are only alien's in this land. We don't belong here. Our life is a mission's trip. Not a summer of our life, or a 'season' of our life. "Life is a missions trip," says Matt, "again, life is a missions trip." My time in EL SALVADOR was one filled with compassion. It seemed the more love I poured out, the more I received. Our God is funny like that. The more we give, the more we receive. I sometimes feel like saying, "It's enough! I don't deserve all of this, God." But, He just wants to show how much He loves me.

Leaving my new family was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life. I'm not understating that. It was seriously that hard. I cried for 45 minutes after I pulled away. Needed to pull over, even. I thought about all that I was leaving. Encouragement, Devotion, Love, Hardwork, Intensity, and Discipline. I didn't know how I was going to function without being surrounded by such Godliness.

When I woke up on Friday morning, I was still heartbroken. I missed walking in and seeing Jill's lovely face welcoming me with a fresh hot pot of coffee. And, Morgan's "Good morning, Kayla!" and Kelly's, "Hello, beautiful!"... Seriously, who wouldn't miss that? I felt rather lost. Like, I'm home, but my heart is broken in 12 separate pieces and spread all across the United States. I know this sounds exaggerated, but it's the truth! I missed them so much, I left the house early and spent the entire afternoon at the intern house where we have lived for the summer. I visited with Shannon and shared more stories, and laughter. Then, it was time to leave again. I got back to the house late, and went to bed but found I just couldn't sleep. I woke up on Saturday, and again felt so lost, and realized it was moving day. I mosied out of bed, drove to springfield, and packed up the UHAUL trailer my family brought up.

On the day of moving, I was met with a loving hug and welcome home, and it was cool. But, with moving, family, and different personalities, I found myself wishing to just crawl back into a hole and spend time with God. Only God. Tempers flared, and words were shared that were just hurtful. After spending 6 weeks filled with NO complaining, very little anger, and all encouragement and words that lifted up, it was hard to even hear stuff like that. I listened to gossip, anger toward others, and mindsets that are so. . .different from my own. It was really disheartening.

I am so loved. I am very very blessed. I am loved. My family does a lot for me. My grandparents (both sets) have given up so much in order to give me the things that make me comfortable. My parents do everything they can to help me out in many areas. And, it's probably simply an attack from the enemy that makes me feel so separate from them. But, it could just be that I'm growing up, developing into my own person, and figuring out who I am. Not just who I am as a person, but who I am in Christ. I have the same responsibilities to do what Christ did on this earth while He was here. And, I have the Holy Spirit to help me accomplish that.

Many things are in my future. Good, bad, encouraging, discouraging, uplifting, and not so uplifting, and they are all things I am looking forward to. I can only imagine what this next year will bring. I pray daily that God's hand of favor be upon my life, and my future. And, I give myself wholly to Him every day I wake up. I also pray for divine appointments to be made, and that I am tender hearted enough to see them and interact in them. Will you join me in this?

I realize everyone will be waiting on an update of what happened on this trip, and I can't wait to give you all one. I'm going to be creating a newsletter, that will include a photo and an explanation of what my sponsors and prayer partners took to the children, their parents, and others in El Salvador!

xoxo
Kayla

Update #3

Hey family! I am sooo sorry I haven't updated. I haven't had the chance. It would have been a good decision to bring my own computer, but I didn't. Oh well, lesson learned and next time I will know to do that! I never can come up with a bunch of stuff to say on the fly, so I would like to simply share a journal entry with you! I wrote it yesterday the 24th of July. It is the day after our last day of ministry with the churches and schools in El Salvador. We do have one service we are doing in Cojutepeque, but other than that, we are done here! So here goes nothing!

7/24/09

Well, the last day of ministry was yesterday. Not that we aren't doing a lot of ministry for the rest of our lives! Right now it is 10:20 am, and we are in the van heading to pick up Sylvia in Santa Ana. She is so amazing. A very wonderful girl of God. As I reflect on these 3.5 weeks of being here, it just brings up such amazing emotions ad memories. The people in El Sarten accepted who we were and embraced us as we were. They treated us just like we were family. My heart will always be with them. They have left such an impact on me. Harland, Carla, Junior, Luz, Alba, Juan, Blanca, and many more. Lord please protect them. All the beautiful children, including Brian and Lily! And Antonio, my precious baby boy!

Our week in Perulapia was one that was trying. With miscommunications and a slight division in the team. And ALL the pupusa parties. Man! They feed us ALL the time! ;-) If I gain weight it will be because of those! Although I was sick one day, you absolutely blessed me! I got to learn a spanish song with a pastor. Cool! And, being able to connect with the school kids. The teen girls brought me letters they had written. They are so beautiful and very loved by me and God!

Then, the church I felt most connected to was in two separate places actually. God just really blessed us in the church. They are young, fresh, vibrant, and very annointed. They are so much more than conquerers and they are victors in Christ. I met Jefferson, who is the pastor's kid. He plays piano very well, and God's hand of favor is on him. He has a great voice and it was a privilege to sing with him. He taught me the chorus "There is None Like You" in Spanish. I got to sing it at the close of two services on Tuesday and Wednesday night. What incredible services!!! God's spirit is moving in that church and community SO much. 9 people were saved last night! WOW!! God YOU are SO good!!!

I do want to talk about this beautiful lady I met yesterday. Her name is Carmen. She is very old. Very ridden with osteoporosis. She said that last week, she began to have tremors and they were so intense she had to grab the kitchen table and they lasted for a really long time, until about 9 pm. She said she went to the doctor, but they never told her what was wrong. They just gave her medicine and sent her on her way. She is still really suffering. She is probably 85-90 years old. She deals with all of this while taking care of her 50-something year old son named Carlos. At the age of 14, he became very ill with a high fever. It lasted a good length of the time and it mentally and physically disabled him. He was sitting in this chair that would be uncomfortable to just about anyone, especially to someone who couldn't turn positions to get comfortable. He had a dirty rag on his lap to catch dribble, but there were flies all over him.. like tons of flies! He had no head support, and he didn't talk at all.

There house was in a very beautiful part of the community, surrounded by trees bearing coconuts and bananas. Many flowers, too. Of course, the house is like we always see in this country. They are all very similar in design. When we got to the house and greeted her, she went and changed her apron, began pulling out chairs, and she wet her hair and began to pull it out of the braid. She was taking things off the clothes line. She was trying really hard to make everything look really nice and neat. We told her she needed to just sit and try to be comfortable!

She began talking to us and she said when she had heard that a group of Americans were coming from Convoy of Hope she wanted desperately to walk to see us, but her body wouldn't allow it. She said that us coming to visit her was as if Jesus Himself came to her house. We meant that much to her....

--There is more to this story, and sometime I'll finish it. But I think what I've already written will pierce your soul. Think about all you have, because I can almost guarantee you it's more than what she does. But, in Christ, she has everything. :)

xoxo Kayla

Update #2

Hey hey mi familia! Buenos! I miss you all very much, but again I will say that I am having an excellent time here in El Salvador.

This morning was really the first time I have felt sick to my stomach, but resting today is helping with the nausea.

Friday was our last day in El Sarten. We have developed great relationships with the pastor and his family as well as the people of the village. Mateo dedicated two precious babies today. One of which was only 10 days old! His name is Ruben and he is the most precious child. I specifically connected with a little baby that was 3 months old, and his name was Antonio. He was so chunky and beautiful. I love that his mother trusted me to hold him. What great progress!

Yesterday we went to another town in El Salvador to meet a beautiful 15 year old girl named Sylvia. What a story she has! We all enjoyed Pizza Hut together and afterwards went to her house where she shared some precious items with us. She had made us beautiful necklaces, earrings, and bracelets. HOW sweet!!

Today we drove back to El Sarten for a church service. It lasted 2.5 hours! God moved in amazing ways! Glori a Dios! (Glory be to God!) My spanish is not good at all. I speak very little. Although, it's not as difficult as you might think to get your point across in another language. LOL. I can order food and ask a lot of questions. "Como se dise..." means "How do you say..." and then you just point to an object and they will tell you. The children will also ask you how we say it in English. Like this, "Como se dise en ingles?" I love them so much.

This coming week we will be in a different village working with different people. I embrace this change even though it means leaving those I've already befriended. I really feel God used us to make an impact in El Sarten.

For those that supported me: You have done an amazing thing by sending me here. No gift was too small, and all will share in the same reward given by God. I can't wait to see what is after El Salvador!

much love!! xoxo

The blog you've all been waiting on!

Hey guys! Man, I know it has been awhile since my last update. It has been because I haven't had wifi or a chance to get on a computer until now! :-) I basically want to share what I have written in my journal from a day or two. I just want you to see my heart and be able to share my experience. My heart is so broken right now. Here is my journal entry from today. I hope it moves you as it moves me. 

July 7th, 2009

Today! oh my goodness, what a day! It was our first day in a smaller village here in El Salvador. No joke, I am absolutely tired. My body is exhausted, as is my mind. Although, what incredible need there is here in this village. The children are straight out of what you would see in a compassion international child sponsorship picture. They are barefoot, malnourished, and starved for attention. When we arrived, we were greatest like they had never seen other people before. The pastor's wife talked to us about a vision she had last night about us coming into a dirty cesspool of water and just cleaning it up. I have to realize that I am going to have to get dirty (emotional, physical, and spiritual). I have to dive in and give all of myself so that God can use me to make a difference in this country.

While the children were learning, an older woman was holding a boy. He was very weak acting and then our translator told me he was burning up. I felt his forehead but his hair was wet because the woman had taken him and tried to lower the fever. i had a thermometer (disposable) in my first aid kit, so I put it under his arm and waited for 3 minutes and then checked it. He had a fever of 102.2 and that in after being doused in water. I went and made him a rehydration drink and got more information from his mom about his change in behavior and physical condition. He had been throwing up for several days and had diarrhea. This combined with the fact swine flu is on the rise, I 'diagnosed' him with the "influenza porcina" aka swine flu. I was so sick to my stomach with nerves and anxiety, but I knew that God was with me and the team. I also listened to the pastor's son's lungs. He had wheezes in his right lung, and had been coughing up green phlegm. I know this is sign of pneumonia, but the parents said he has been feeling better. I will continue to monitor him for signs of worsening conditions.

Today, Matt asked if anyone 'feels sick right now?' to the children and to the adults. So many people raised their hands, but all we could do was pray. Not that it in itself is bad. i just feel terrible knowing that I can't do anything without medication. And, it is heartbreaking. I really care about the people's health.

There are so many more things I could write about this day, but I am so tired. I really must turn in for the evening. Lots more to do tomorrow. 

Prayer requests:

-The health of the people and this team. Swine flu is spreading rapidly here in El Sal.

-My heart to continue to break for God's people.

-A clear and concise way to portray God's love for these people. (70% of who we met today do not know the Lord.)

I love you all!

xoxo