the V word

i'm not talking about victory. the word is not veracity or virgin or vegetables... it's vulnerable.

none of us want to be it. at least not really. i would also suggest to you that even in our most vulnerable moments, we keep it surface level.

i want to shake that up. i want to be real with you for several reasons.

first thing, i believe that though we feel alone in our struggles, we are not. i also believe that when He is given the opportunity, the Lord can work through our struggle and sin to bring ourselves healing and redemption and also to pave the road to freedom for others.

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (2 Corinthians 1:4)

 secondly, i simply do not want to hide anymore. hiding gets increasingly difficult with time. i've also learned that sharing brings freedom from the feeling of bondage. though, much caution should be taken when choosing who to be vulnerable with.

many of you know that the past 9 months have been very difficult for me. some of you may have read the blogs i vomited out of extreme brokenness and heartache and anger. for clarification, i am not in the least bit remorseful for those blog posts. they were/are a window into a deeper part of who i am. a deep part that i know i am not alone in having. and, i am aware that quite possibly the words of mine you read, made you feel uncomfortable because you yourself have struggled with similar things.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3)

to initiate being vulnerable with you, in April, i began the counseling process with a christian counselor. though some of you know this, many of you don't. i deeply believe that the Lord set in motion this counseling, and i know He set it in motion because of the aforementioned verse. counseling is a process for healing the brokenhearted and binding wounds. but i will be extremely honest, the process sucks. it is the most painful thing i have walked through yet, as those wounds that He binds, He must first expose and deeply dig out. it is messy.

there's a lot more to me and my story that i have hope in sharing with you in time. because through it, the Lord WILL bring healing and restoration to not only me, but quite possibly to you, as well.

i don't know who you are reading this, but i love you. and i intensely desire you to be set free from the "stuff" that entangles you. so much so, that i am willing to share with you the innermost secretive parts of me.

of course i am hesitant in being vulnerable to you. because you may hurt me. even unintentionally. so be patient and be kind, because i want to show you Christ's healing process. i want you to see it, so maybe you'll let Him heal you, too.

"i throw my hands up in the air sometimes..."

The last couple of days have been weird...and hard.

It's that time of the year again, where people are signing up for classes and getting their books and purchasing a fresh planner for their studies. It's that time of the year again, where I think about all of the things I am passionate about and fret about which one to pursue. I am so WEIRD. So, because I continue to throw all of these things around in my head, I am insisting myself to write them down and maybe my fast paced mind will receive rest.

1) I am passionate about medicine probably more than nursing. Therefore, I can easily see myself pursuing med school and become a practicing physician.

2) I am passionate about those trapped in addiction. Therefore, I can easily see myself pursuing a degree in sociology and psychology and become a counselor advocating relapse prevention.

3) I am passionate about music, both instrumental and vocal. Therefore, I can see myself pursuing a degree in music and working toward a form of directing on a professional level.

4) I am passionate about furthering education, period. Therefore, I can soooomewhat see myself pursuing a higher degree in nursing and pursuing my doctorate in nursing.

5) I am passionate about au naturale living. Therefore, I can see myself buying a house, settling down with someone forever, raising a family, and living off the land through organic gardening and teaching my little ones responsibility with animal care and instilling educational values into them.

6) I am passionate about humanitarian aid to those less fortunate than myself. Therefore, I can see myself giving everything else up in the pursuit of a life in Haiti or Africa where I dedicate everything I am to loving on buggy heads and washing dirty hands and lovingly placing a bandaid on a bleeding HIV positive baby and delivering babies in the back village.

In confusion and exhaustion, I simply want to run away. I research hospitals to work in focusing on relocation. Baltimore, New York, Boston, Dallas... Maybe if I can run far enough, these passions will elude me and peace will consume me. I clearly cannot do them all, and because all passions are equal, choosing one to pursue is impossible.

It's times like these that I kick myself for signing a twelve month lease when I know my heart is accustomed to six months or less. I still love my little apartment, but I. must. escape. for the sake of sanity.

Another thing that has caught one of my heart strings is that I often have no passion for God or the things of Him. I believe now more than ever before in the war for a soul. I feel so detached from the battle, but know that there is one raging. I sense myself longing to lose the numbness against reality. However, when feeling happens, I push it away because there's just too much to deal with and sort through.

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying 'Ayo, gotta let go.'" ...gotta escape.

does God remember?

at times, I am convinced I am one day away from disaster. this process of figuring out who I am and what I stand for and where I am headed is a deeply confusing trek. who I have been is not who I am now. and I'm trying to figure out which 'me' was better. a sense of certainty (even if it was false) was the past. but a pool of insecurity consumes the current. do I desire false security? sometimes...

was all that I worked for to be who I am now done in vain? were the best times of my life spent wasted in a school that taught me to be something I am so unsatisfied in now. do I carry the burden of choice? the choice to change? am I truly intelligent enough to be more than I am?

does God remember? does He remember the things He birthed in me? it feels as though He does not. it feels like abandonment. it crushes my core. and instead of waiting patiently in hope that He delivers, I prefer to retreat and remove myself from the line of potential pain. repeated wrenching.

and I think to myself, "If He knew I would ache the way I do, how could He ever birth such passion and remain still?" 

surely you may read and judge that I am selfish, whining, and ungrateful. however, sometimes the hurt within simply needs expressed to an open ear.

what am I supposed to be? 

"God, do even You remember?"

Taking Your Trash to the Dumpster

This may sound silly or super obvious, but I found myself realizing something today that somewhat calmed me.

I was taking my trash out to the dumpster. As I was walking to the dumpster, I was particularly aware of how nice the temperature was. In comparison to the last couple of weeks, I was sensitive to the decrease in temperature. 

The dumpsters had just been emptied, and the big black lids were down. As I lifted the lid, an overwhelming stench of rotten filth engulfed me. I quickly threw my bag of trash into the dumpster, and began walking back to my apartment.

On the way back, I realized that regardless of who you are, what you wear, the products you buy, or your philosophies of life; you got trash. Furthermore, your trash stinks. It stinks just like mine. If there is anything in life that we all have in common, it's the fact that we are recipients of, accumulate, and often produce junk.

If we keep it all in our houses, our houses will inevitably begin to smell just as bad as that dumpster does. It would eventually begin to affect our physical health, it would inhibit our ability to rest well at night, and would expose us to preventable disease and sickness.

We would be silly to keep trash in our houses because there has been a system developed for disposal. We take our trash to the dumpster, and we expect our neighbors to do the same. It isn't my responsibility to take my neighbor's trash out. However, I could kindly show them where the dumpster is, or offer to help clear out their junk.

In a similar way, our emotional junk needs attention. It's a normal part of life, just like trash accumulation, but sometimes we like to hoard our "inside" pain. Too afraid that if someone else smells my trash, they'll realize how disgusting I am. But I believe that the true fear lies not on me, but on them. It takes strength to realize your inside trash. Seeing someone else's pain quickly reminds us of our own.

Truth is that it needs taken care of, tended to, and cleaned out. Perhaps a nice freshener to replace it with. It requires consistent maintenance. At times, it insists help from an outside person. At other times, it requires deep reflection. Regardless, it demands persistence and strength. 

I'm thankful for the analogy that it seems God helped me see today. Be encouraged to play an active part in your emotional health. You're worth it.

while we were still sinners

I believe in teaching about sin. But, I also strongly believe that you cannot teach on the subject of sin without teaching the power of grace. 


Attempting to place the flesh under control, before accepting the gift of our sin already being covered by grace, while we are yet sinning, is impossible. Relying on ourselves to break chains of bondage simply doesn't work. Forgiveness of current sin through the gift of grace empowers the Spirit to aid in the conquering of sinful habits. Anyone who says they are in Christ should never hold themselves or any other individual to a level of expectation of religious perfection.


Romans 3:22-27 says, 

22 We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.
23 For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.

24 Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.

25 For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past,
26 for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and he declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus.
27 Can we boast, then, that we have done anything to be accepted by God? No, because our acquittal is not based on obeying the law. It is based on faith.

Christ died for us with full knowledge of the condition of our sinful nature. He knew that dying for us wouldn't stop us from sinning, but that it would cover us and make us perfect in God's eyes. He died for us while we were yet sinners. ALL sin separates us from God, period. ALL unforgiven sin leads us to eternal damnation. But once Jesus is accepted as Lord and Savior, WE.ARE.COVERED.BY.HIS.GRACE. End of story. Attempting to fulfill the law on our own unsuccessfully leads to a frustrating and angering walk. One that I believe Jesus has no desire for us to journey.

It's only after receiving His grace for sins past, current, and future, will the law begin to fulfill itself within our walk with Jesus, very naturally by His Spirit's gentle guidance.

Romans 5:8, "But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners."

"Do you like guys?"

"So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

I wish there was an explanation for the thoughts that run through my mind. As I read the aforementioned verse, I shake my head in disagreement. There are conflicting views in my heart. My soul fights the truth at every turn. I realize, however, that when it comes to this season: I am on my own. My friends are surely frustrated at my lack of response to their words. At times, I desperately wish I was the person who clinged to the heart of Jesus and encouraged others in His ways.

A few days ago at work, a new coworker asked me if I was married. Nope. Kids? Nope. Dating? Nope. Interested in anyone? Nope. (said a little quicker.) With a little hesitancy she asked, "Do you like guys?" oh.my.gosh! you've gotta be kidding me... I quickly answered, "Uhhhh, YES!" She then asked what my "type" was, questioning, "Do you want a good Christian boy?" Quicker answered than any of the other questions, I replied, "Oh...noooo..."


As soon as I said it, I couldn't believe the words had exited my mouth. I tried to recover by saying, "Well.... I don't wanna be a Pastor's wife or anything..." She nodded in understanding. What the hell?! I'm a freaking disaster.


When it comes to 1 Peter 5:6-7; How can I ever be content with who I am right now in this moment? My words spew ignorance and I can be really awkward. If anything, when it comes to God, I feel demoted, certainly not promoted. But, when it comes to living carefree, I definitely have that under control. I've probably taken that one to the extreme. Why would He be careful with such a wreck as me?

Still, through all of this season, I'm confident that there is a reason for where my heart insists on staying. It is not pleasant, nor seemingly beneficial; but there has to be a reason. One day, this.will.break. Freedom.will.come. and I pray I'm not to jaded to allow it to pass by me.

Meet me tomorrow...

I have been quiet as of late.
I have been seeking.

I wish sculpting a feeling was a possibility.
If you could maybe touch it, you might understand.
Because, my words seem unable to display the emotions twirling in my insides.

Last night, I prayed God would encounter me today.
God, you're big. Meet me tomorrow.

Truth is, I am such an imperfect person. I mean, really imperfect.
There are things that I struggle with on a deep level.
Seriously.
Things so rooted and knotted.
Things I fear would make you run if you were to see them or hear them.
But, I am ensnared by it all.
God, you're big. Meet me tomorrow.


I walked through the doors confidently, head strong but heart weak.
You are who You say You are. Meet me today...please.
The music began to play, and without my permission, walls weakened.
"For You and You alone awake my soul..."
In that moment, I remembered:
Only He is able to breathe life into me...to awaken me...


Body weak and Spirit hungry, He breathed on me; awakened me.
The lyrics to come encouraged my hand to raise and a chain to crack.
My response:
"I hear Your voice and this is my awakening."
Dear God, meet me tomorrow, again...please.