It is Time

Today. It's officially May 20, 2010. The very day I have counted down to for the past two years. Man, God is good! Scratch that. God is AWESOME! I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I just finished these first few sentences. I am in utter awe of the way God has gone before me in Nursing school. I reflect on the my very first, awkward, uncomfortable, first semester in college at SBU. I was sitting in my Anatomy & Physiology I class as a little freshman, and I felt the Lord speaking to my heart, so I grabbed a pen and a sticky note, and I wrote this:

"Kayla- You can do this nursing thing if you study hard and focus on me. I am your guide. I will help you. I will never forsake you. -God"

I came across the sticky note not too long ago, and I cried over it. How God has been my guide. How He has helped me. How He has never forsaken me. Not one time. My heart is SO overwhelmed with gratitude, thanksgiving, honor, and respect for my King...

What I am most excited about is not the fact that I am an Registered Nurse, but that I have fulfilled another step in my walk with the Lord. I obeyed Him. I obeyed His leading into St. John's Nursing School. I trusted Him. I believed in Him. I worked for Him. All the glory for every passed test and completed clinical day totally went/goes to Him. I knew He was the one doing all of the work. It was easy for me to pass the honor to Him. And, it still is. I am excited because I know that the next thing that is coming my way is even MORE exciting.

Not because I deserve it. Not because I work hard. Not because He owes me anything, but because He loves me. And because I obey Him.

Some of you know... I never wanted to be a nurse. I took a nurse aid class my last year in High School, and that was it for me. That was the deal-breaker for me. I hated it. The idea of me spending my life in a hospital was appalling. I wanted to be a Worship Leader. God gifted me with voice, and all I wanted to do was glorify Him the rest of my life and speak to others about using their voice in worship. It was my ONLY passion.

When God started closing the doors on the only college that offered a degree in Worship Leading, I became bitter. Very bitter toward Him. When only College of Nursing doors were opening, I became even more bitter. Yet, I obeyed Him. I didn't understand why, how, or what my future was going to look like with a nursing degree, but I trusted the Lord. I knew He knows best. So, I followed His leading.

After stepping out in faith, and completing my first semester, the Lord showed me more than I could ever imagine about my future. He definitely hadn't cut ministry off from me, but opened the doors wider for bigger, greater, more effective ministry. Missions. Beautiful. Terrified. Intrigued. But I will go, Father. I will go. I will do anything you want me to. I'm all for You and Your glory.

So here I am. Not knowing entirely what the future looks like, but knowing that God has blessed me with a job. Not just any job, but a full time position that is going to allow me to pay off my loans quicker, get the best experience, work under the best director, and train me for what is yet to come.

And I know. I KNOW that the BEST IS YET TO COME!

Let me GO

My heart is so easily overwhelmed when I watch stories about people in other countries. The Nations just hold a special place in my heart. This doesn't mean that I am not moved by the stories of my own people. I struggle when I see humanity suffering on any front.

My friend just got back from Haiti. He went doing an assessment of the area he will be taking a team for some relief work in the future. When I learned he was going, my heart kind of dropped into my stomach. I just want to go. Though I know I will in due time, it is hard to wait patiently. Especially when I know there are things I could be doing. When I know there is so much to do, and I am forced to continue in my day to day life here until I gain the experience I need to be fully effective and beneficial to those there. There's so much about it that just feels so wrong.

There have been times since returning from El Salvador about a year ago, that I realize that the way I live is so far from the true reality of how the majority of the whole world lives. I guess I always keep this in the back of my mind, but there are moments where I become so overwhelmed by the difference in my home in Missouri and the home of my friends in other countries. I also wonder why God has allowed me to be in the blessed part of the world. I praise and thank the Lord for this blessing, but I'm ready to be a part of reality.

I have no idea what my future looks like, though I know that God has destined me to live among reality.

Tonight, I just want to talk to someone who gets me. Who can understand this desire to be somewhere that most people would never enter. To live in a place that people try to leave. Someone who is created the way I have been created... I may come across as weird, crazy, even dumb to some, and I can see how logically I sound unstable. But this is the truth....

:-/,
Kayla

Forgiven and Loved

Today is the day I finished my last nursing school exam to officially deem me an RN. Is that even believable? God has been SO good. I remember sitting in Anatomy and Physiology II and it was one of those moments when the Spirit overwhelms your heart and you quickly grab a piece of paper to write down what gets laid on your heart. I wrote, "Kayla, if you will trust my leading, I will take you through nursing school. Do not fear; I will be with you every day." -God

I kept the sticky note that I wrote that on, and posted it into my planner. I looked at it frequently throughout the ride in nursing school, and was refreshed and reminded every time that this is God's call. It's His deal. Reminded that the hard stuff wasn't on me, that He had it covered. Honestly, I'm just so blessed. I don't know why He chose me, but I'm so glad He has.

I've been wanting to blog about something specific for over a week now, but I haven't had the time, nor the energy to put into it as I have wanted.

Sometimes, as humans, we really screw up. And, by that, I mean, I really screw up. There are people in my life that I harbor such bitterness and anger toward because of the past, that I have difficulty even looking them in the eye. There are actions that I've made that have honestly affected the safety of those around me. Decisions that have had significant effect on my heart. And, sins that have separated me from drawing closer with the Lord. Now, that I've established that you sin and I sin, let me continue.

A couple weeks ago, I made a decision. A bad decision, but a fun one. The aftermath of that decision left me more convicted, in more agony, and the most anxiety-ridden I have ever been in my life. My entire life could have been altered because of the consequence of my decision. I had done a bad thing, and it was a sin. And I ran. I ran away from the convictions of the Holy Spirit. I ignored the leading of the Lord. I refused to run back into His presence.

You know what I did next? I didn't pray, but I spent significant time in the Bible. I read "Forgotten God" in which I am learning about the Holy Spirit. But I couldn't bring myself to pray to God. Praying is too intimate. I can't hide my true heart very well in prayer. Reading, sure... I don't have to own up to what I did. Praying--all about confrontation. I spoke well to other people. I encouraged and uplifted others in the name of the Lord. But I didn't let the Spirit penetrate any part of my heart. But, man oh man, was I broken. Broken because I knew I had grieved my Father. I was still just too frightened about simply praying.

Then I read a section in Forgotten God by Francis Chan. He discussed how he would mess up, and spend time trying to get 'back on God's good side.' Trying to prove that he could in fact, be a good christian. He was doing it all on his own. How he was describing it was exactly what was going through my head for the entire week I had been carrying this intense load on my heart. It was then that I realized God was saying to me, "I already know you can't do this alone. That's why I'm here to help you. This is the whole reason I sent my Holy Spirit to you. Now, please, just talk to Me. Tell Me what is going on. I will hear you. I will not abandon you. I SO love you." It helped me see that when I mess up, God already saw it happen. He watched me act in the flesh before it ever happened. He doesn't hate me, think less of me, or take back His promises. He says, "Kayla, I'm sorry that happened, and I'm broken that you chose to act like that, but I still love you. Let's work through this." Knowing that this is how he responds makes me realize and experience His grace in a whole other dimension.

Please let this encourage you, too. If you've done something, maybe something that you're shameful of, regret, or wish you won't do again, just understand that God knows about it, and He knew about it, but He still really does love you. For me, my friend kept telling me, "God still loves you.." But I couldn't feel it, therefore I didn't deeply believe it. She told me that some things, you just have to believe first. And, to stop basing my beliefs on my feelings.

Anyway, I feel like this still didn't come out the way I wanted it to, but maybe it will help someone. The power of testimony.. :)

Love,
Kayla

He's Carrying Me

2 Corinthians 12:9, But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

No kidding. Everytime I read this verse, I tear up a little bit. In this season of life, with RN school coming to a close and the other crazy stuff going on in life, I wake up truly not wanting to get out of bed. In fact, today, I chose to miss a meeting and sleep until 11:30am. I know... it's just how t-i-r-e-d I am. Everyone is...

But beyond that, this verse... ahhhh, it's just SO good. I blogged last night about me realizing that truly, the weaker you are, the stronger God is in your life. There comes points in people's lives where you just know that God is your strength. Paul goes on and says that he boasts about his weaknesses. He says, "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Strangely enough, it's exactly what I feel like doing... in prayer to the Lord, of course. No one wants to be around a mopey person. And, I don't feel like moping to the Lord. I just want to tell Him that I can feel how strong He is in my heart right now. That I know my every waking moment is being controlled and propelled by His love. That's a really weird feeling. I've not felt it before. But as I experience it, I realize that being out of control is not that bad. Letting God just do His thing.

I'm weak, and like I ended my last post... I feel Him carrying me. It's amazing.

Thank You!

When I say that I have been blessed beyond imagination, that is exactly what I mean. God has placed a few specific couples in my life that have just been amazing.

The last three years of my life have been the most fun, most scary, most growing, most exciting, most anxiety-filled experiences. I have lived in a dorm setting, and with three roommates in one year, (moving dorms three times, mind you.) I then moved into my first apartment with another roommate (amazing, might I tell you.) Lived with 11 other people in an intern house over Summer '09, and then moved to another town to live with a family of 6. All in less than 3 years!

I mentioned all the places I had moved over the past couple of years. It was hard. Really really hard. Sometimes I do ask myself if I made the right decisions. Though, I also can't deny all that I've learned. Especially from the family of 6 I still currently reside with.

I want to share a little bit about what I've learned from each impacting family. My heart is so heavy, and so full of love toward all of them.

What I've learned:

Thatcher's: You love me with my own love language. Words of affirmation and physical touch. (Your hugs are the one's my FB status referred to not long ago.) You guys hold such a SPECIAL place in my life. Lesson: Love others with their love language. It will change their world. Another lesson from you is how important picking the right spouse is. (We've talked about this...) You have a marriage to model. So when my hopeless romantic finally shows up, you will be the ones we get counsel from!!! If my family can be half of what yours is, I'll be satisfied for life. Your kids...WHOA! Awesome! One more lesson: Be real and genuine, because people can see right through fake. You are SO real and genuine. I want to be that trustworthy to people in my life. I also can't wait to visit you in some foreign country someday.

Nicholson's: A few of the many lessons I'll take with me from them is the importance of scheduling, ability to say 'no', and staying accountable to yourself. A love for children's rights have also been birthed in my heart through their passions for the orphaned and displaced. You guys rock. I like live with you, and try to remind you how thankful I am for this gift. I hope I'm believable!! I think living with you guys has taught me more about myself and how to handle my emotions related to situations that occur... it's weird to explain, but good stuff!

Moore's: We met over a shared love for the Nations. You guys have this special gift of connecting people with exactly where they need to go. You know those people that you sometimes meet and you're like, "Whoa! If I could be their friend..." That is how I felt when I met you. The atmosphere you present is young, fresh, and vibrant. And your knowledge and love for the Lord teaches me. The way you have built your family is yet again, another model to be followed. I love watching you with your children as they grow into amazing followers of the Lord.

There are more that have made impacts, but these main three have remained constant throughout the past year of my life and without them, I'm pretty sure I'd have not made it. I'm seriously NOT kidding, either. All three of you share the gift of hospitality, and it's just amazing. It's what I crave.

These recent times haven't been my strongest, but who doesn't go on roller-coasters? The verse that is becoming more alive to me right now is this:

2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

I may be finally understanding that weak is best. That ignorance about the future is bliss. That control is restrictive. That weakness is strength. Because, with the way Nursing School has eaten at every bone in my body, I've never been more weak. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually, I'm exhausted. But, God is SO strong.

I think I actually feel Him carrying me, and sometimes He's using you.

God is Moving

When you pray, God moves.

I've been praying this whole week for a job. But through those prayers and Bible time in God's presence, He has been moving in my WHOLE life. Probably some of you are thinking, well duh!, but I wasn't expecting any of it.

I updated my twitter today telling people that I was thinking about the deep stuff. Like those times where you try really hard to wrap your head around God's love... or maybe you think about the giant issue of poverty. Maybe some of you can't get it through your head just how next week will look like. Today, I thought about such things.

I thought about Haiti. And the quote that I am still trying to understand, "You are not being prepared for Haiti as much as Haiti is being prepared for you." What does that even mean? Though when I reflect on my time spent in El Salvador, I remember feeling the entire time, "I am supposed to be pouring into YOU. But, you are touching and changing ME." Maybe that is what the Spirit is trying to tell me. That Haiti is going to give me way more than I will ever be able to give it. Either way, God is working up something.

I also thought about the long wait I have before making it to Haiti. It's hard to explain to someone that even though I've never been to Haiti, I feel like it's my home; where I belong. That her people are my people. That they are my family. I catch myself purposefully placing Haiti out of my mind. Because it physically hurts my heart when I think about not being there.

Then there are times like yesterday when I was driving by the park, seeing dad's playing frisbee with their kids, and ladies walking and chatting with their girlfriends, and family's eating a BBQ that I want that life. There are the days when I think about that 2 story house with a garage and fenced in back yard with a swing-set for my kids... and I crave that. Knowing full well that God designed me to live a different life. Knowing that my only satisfaction will come from being all that God created me to be and live the life He has planned for me in Haiti. This I know and cannot debate. Though the thoughts do still creep up.

Tonight I had the privilege of FINALLY meeting James and Rachael Courter. The connection with them was so random, but so GOD! We 'met' via facebook over a year ago, and tonight at James River Assembly in Springfield, MO, I saw their faces and heard their voices! I think it was God's little way of saying, "Hey Kayla, I haven't forgotten about what I called you to." It sounds funny to type it up like that, but sometimes I feel like I will NEVER get to Haiti. From the moment I read the Courter family mission and vision for the country, I KNEW God had a divine plan in store for my life to connect with theirs. I could say so much more, but just want to pray.

God, I am absolutely BLOWN away by some of the things You do. Actually, just about everything You do leaves me standing in awe. I am so thankful, Lord, for Your grace and mercy over my life. As Pastor John commented, "I know me, and for You to choose me to do Your work-that is amazing!" I totally concur with this statement. When I think about the plan You have showed me for my life, and that I only know such a short part of it, I am almost in disbelief. You love me, Lord. You love Haiti. And, You have given me a piece of Your love for Haiti so that I can do the work You want to accomplish there. Thank You for going before me, and thank You for bringing up the rear guard as the Psalmist says.

God, please strengthen the Courter family tonight. Bless them as they sleep. Give them beautiful dreams, and speak to them. For the future and present I ask that you protect them from any evil force that may want to harm them. I pray a hedge of protection by the blood of Christ around their family and those they love. I pray that you would comfort their hearts and remove any fears if they have any. I pray that you continue to give them vision, and that their vision would be expanded. Broaden their territory. Strengthen their bodies. Be with Rachael through the delivery process of their son, Nehemiah. God, thank You for the connection with them. I know that You have something very special in store for the future. Bless Haiti, God. We believe that You are calling this nation to arise. Arise Haiti!! Strengthen the people on Gelee beach and send Your angels to aid in the fight for their souls. I believe You, Lord.

In Your Name I pray,
Amen

thinking...

...with no luck.

I want to write a blog, but words just aren't coming.

Could be this Zyrtec that is making me slightly loopy.

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

:-)