one hour

i catch myself thinking thoughts that are blasphemous. they're gone as quickly as they arrive on the path of a brain wave. but a sense of fear surges through me. because from what i know, that is unforgivable. destined to eternal torture. it makes me kind of want to throw up. i keep wrapping around to this place. this place of uncertainty about the God above. and i don't really want to be here.

it almost feels like i'm spiraling down a deep water well on this journey of religiosity. i don't even remember the fall. but the brick sides of the well are getting harder and harder to claw my fingers into. but if i stop grabbing, a sense of permanent end overcomes me that i don't want yet. i don't want to stop believing. but, when did i even start contemplating Him?

a week and a half ago, i pledged a "faith promise" to expand the cause of missions because i was convinced i heard God speak. but two days later, a stupid conversation left me angry. like maniac-type anger. and i went from spiritual "high" with this belief to...disbelief. in a matter of one hour.

is my faith that weak? so easily shaken? so quickly crumbled?

tell me, have you been here? honestly...

remember my post on "spiritual bipolar"? i'm convinced. i've got it. :), only sorta not kidding...

"this God is in your head"

i have come to a realization. i don't know who the hell i am.

i used to love the things of God. breathe, sleep, cry, sing, scream Him. but anymore, hearing about Him makes me want to punch my damn fist through a wall. who the hell is He? who is He to ME? i believe Him for you, and i see Him in them, but who is He to me?

i used to love God because He loved me first. now i tolerate Him because i fear hell. but that doesn't save me. a mere belief in His existence doesn't save me from eternal damnation. and what it takes to save me, i can't give Him. He wants control of who i am. and i'll probably fight that to the death.

so with that realization, where does that exactly leave me? hell-bound...maybe? i don't know.

i almost feel like i owe you an apology, because i realize the life i've been living is not a reflection of what i am at the core (apparently).

He's not my everything. and i'm not sure i can ever make Him that.

sorry, God.

sorry grandma...

(jimmy needham is playing in the background as I write this blog. i would ask that you would, as he sings, "please lay down your arrows, cause they're sure to pierce the skin." but, if you choose not to, that's okay too.)

it's been four weeks since that blog that I wrote. you know, the one that talked about the choice that I made to choose Him. even if it had to be hour to hour choosing, i'd do it. but holy crap.

h.a.r.d.

to force my flesh to submit to the Spirit.

um, not yet. not right now. too hard. too out of control. too humiliating.

to tell you the truth, i'm pissed off right now. like probably way more than i ever have been. i don't retaliate a whole lot, if ever. i usually bend over, take it in the ass, vent to a few people, and move on. but i'm so sick of doing that. i want to be fiercely angry. and i want to piss people off as much as they've pissed me off. i want to emotionally hurt them. lash out so much that it's a shock.

so that may sound really evil; and it may very well be. probably even worse that i'm not sure at this moment i even care how evil it is. it's where i am. it's who i am. for this moment, this is where i'm staying. pissed off. (sorry grandma, i know you read these, and no, you don't need to call me...)

...and it all so deeply contradicts choosing Him.

just how far does His grace extend?

will i ever act as if i believe, love like i read He does, own the grace He says He gives, and choose Him regardless of how foolish it makes me look or feel?

am i even His anymore?

you aren't moving in pursuit of Me...

first, i've been constantly reminded to give thanks in all things. today, i had an elderly patient who seemed to always have a sense of underlying confusion. at times, she was completely easy to talk to and she would answer questions well and follow commands well. at others, she made my work a whole lot harder because she would keep me circling the same topic for 10 minutes. come on lady, don't you know i've got patients more critical than you? that's why i selfishly thought.

confession: i walked out of her room after multiple attempts at getting her to understand and hear me (i had to yell every word for her to hear me). i was getting no where with her, and i had 4 patients and one returning for surgery on top of meds to give, assessments to chart, and doctors to call. i had no time. before i stepped out of the room she said, "kayla...", and as much as i wanted to pretend i hadn't heard her, i once again turned around and looked at her.

and He said, "Give thanks for this woman."

i said, "ummm, what? fine... thank You for this very particular creation of Yours and the opportunity to care for her."

she didn't get any easier, by the way.

secondly, i was walking down the hallway very quickly. i had one pace today: fast. but out of nowhere, i heard the following from the Big voice inside:

"oh hey, you. so, let's talk about this. why it is that you always want to be someone that you aren't? the real truth behind you seeking other options is not because you're called; it's because you think you can be better there than you are now. better than the others. stronger than the others. you think that with more letters after your name you've proved your intelligence. you aren't moving in pursuit of Me. you're moving in pursuit of you."

so, let's be honest...i'm not sure what to make of all of that yet. but, i do know i'm a bit prideful.

it's kind of one of the characteristics He most hates. (oh great...)

Jesus, dare i ask You to flesh that out?

what would that look like?

drinking the blue dizzy liquid...

just weird:

less than two years ago on a rainy day. i drove up to liberty bank in my red 97 oldsmobile. the atm, actually. i think i had $80-ish dollars in my bank account. i pulled $50 from the atm, and text my friend elizabeth: "i'm going downtown tonight. i'm getting wasted hard and fast. come with? i'm going with or without you..."

she came. she drove me, so i wouldn't drive drunk. she's a best friend. i love her a lot.

tonight, an old friend came into town, and we headed to a low key bar for hanging out late. i contemplated ordering a drink. instead, i settled for a chocolate shake. last time i had half a martini and was nauseated for a day.

there were three girls. beautiful, created in His image, girls. glamorous. drinking the blue dizzy liquid from a fish bowl. having fun, no doubt. laughing and flirting and taking pictures. maybe they won't remember...

and i remember sitting at trolleys throwing down shot after shot that night. i remember that the "buttery nipple" was really good. wanting to silence and numb away all feeling of anything. i literally didn't want to think and i didn't care if i couldn't walk out of there. fortunately, $50 doesn't last long enough to reach that goal. regardless, i was trashed.

tonight, i didn't have any feeling for those girls. not disappointment. no humor. no laughing. not sad. i just kinda got it. i know why they're doing what they're doing. and if i had the chance to talk to them, i definitely wouldn't reprimand them. i'd like to sit beside them; hear their stories. and ask "what does your heart beat out of pure passion for?" "how did He design you for this world?"

would i see me in them? would what i see threaten to shock me?

what would Jesus say to them? how would He hold their heart? what would silence their incessant need for approval? and affirmation that who they are is completely enough? would He intercede on their behalf to the Father? what would the Father think of His Son's proposal?

just late night, sleep deprived, thoughts from an over-thinker.

night...

the. expedition.

as if this life is melody. looking for forms of harmony. a beautiful clash of two or more notes. and the tug and pull of the energy forces around threaten to leave her as an unfinished song. sheets void of artistic masterpiece.

and the expedition has begun or has it met an end? a series of decisions made, justified by personal liberty. and as you choose, the consequences hurl defeat or success over you.

if He doesn't answer when you're good, will He answer when you're bad? sinner or washed clean; what causes Him to run to you? will i live long enough to know the answer? i want to forget what i know. and leave all i am.

i want to drive with the top down, sun shining, wind filling my lungs with deep breaths of freedom coming in and out. and i want to drive until i can no longer drive. until i'm forced to hear Him. what will make Him speak?

what makes Him speak?

hold up just ONE minute.

confusion: 1) lack of understanding; uncertainty. 2) a situation of panic; a breakdown of order.

today, i want to move to new york. yesterday, i talked about humanitarian work in africa. tomorrow, i will want to go to med school. today + 2 more days, i will want to be a barista. today +3, i will want to move back in with my grandparents and live in a breeze of easy.

point: i kind of live in confusion.

...and then i read this. oh, shoot...

"What happened was this: People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives." (Romans 1:21, MSG)

In fact, I read the whole passage. and I highlighted and bolded and added my thoughts in parentheses.

(Romans 1:18-32, MSG)

18 But God's angry displeasure erupts as acts of human mistrust and wrongdoing and lying accumulate, as people try to put a shroud over truth.19 But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is!20 By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can't see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of his divine being. So nobody has a good excuse.21 What happened was this: People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives.22 They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life.23 They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in his hands for cheap figurines you can buy at any roadside stand.

24 So God said, in effect, "If that's what you want, that's what you get." It wasn't long before they were living in a pigpen, smeared with filth, filthy inside and out.25 And all this because they traded the true God for a fake god, and worshiped the god they made instead of the God who made them-the God we bless, the God who blesses us. Oh, yes!

26 Worse followed. Refusing to know God (or leaving Jesus as I've quoted...), they soon didn't know how to be human either-women didn't know how to be women, men didn't know how to be men.27 Sexually confused, they abused and defiled one another, women with women, men with men-all lust, no love. And then they paid for it, oh, how they paid for it-emptied of God and love, godless and loveless wretches.

28 Since they didn't bother to acknowledge God, God quit bothering them and let them run loose.(wait, does He do that?)29 And then all hell broke loose: rampant evil, grabbing and grasping, vicious backstabbing. They made life hell on earth with their envy, wanton killing, bickering, and cheating. Look at them: mean-spirited, venomous,30 fork-tongued God-bashers. Bullies, swaggerers, insufferable windbags! They keep inventing new ways of wrecking lives. They ditch their parents when they get in the way.31 Stupid, slimy, cruel, cold-blooded.32 And it's not as if they don't know better. They know perfectly well they're spitting in God's face. And they don't care-worse, they hand out prizes to those who do the worst things best!

...and i read this and Jesus is convicting me. (which means i must actually have a problem that needs correcting.) that word: mistrust. the root of it all.

1 Corinthians 14:33, "When we worship the right way, God doesn't stir us up in confusion; he brings us into harmony."

Jeremiah 17:9, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"

oh boy... hold up just one minute, God.. por favor?