covered or sprinkled

There are so many sounds in this world. Though I hear Mercy's "Code Blue" sound infrequently, it's one that I can hear long after it stops screaming. There's a life on the line. A heart pump that threatens to quit. Two lungs that are tempted to stop exchanging. Two eyes that stare straight at you, with pinpoint pupils. Sometimes, you wish you didn't see those eyes. They tend to speak to you.

On the drive home, you re-evaluate the situation. Tonight, my heart breaks for families of ceasing loved ones. The anguish all throughout their body. The hand forgets what it's touching. The face wracks unconsolably. The foot shakes uncontrollably. The soul tears a little. Shock rips through their brain. I watch and I want to hold them. I want to let them beat upon my chest and yell out, "Why, dear God, why?!"

And he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21 (ESV).

We all end up in the ground covered in dirt or sprinkled in the ocean. Tonight, I'm extra aware of that.

the music heals

It's the soft whisper of a piano, classic. The keys merge to bring melodious waves of refreshing. Breezes of harmony brought in the anticipation of the ascent toward climactic performance.

A chaotic clash in the midst of a noted story. Favorite part for a musician to play, and the longest to perfect. But when it becomes flawless, the triumph of completion overwhelms.

And the descent is approached with such delicacy. Such caution to ensure the listener is left with a deep relieving sigh.

Music ensembles heal. The hearer's heartbeat quickens and slows with each crescendo and decrescendo. The lungs expand deeply and collapse silently. Calming restoration of the mind begins and useless thoughts are removed. The soul is soothed from the challenges of the day.

Music heals. It removes and restores. It quickens and it calms. It forces and it relaxes. It heals.

Lean In

"Lean into the pain. Stay there in the questions, in the doubts, in the wonderings and loneliness, the tension of now-and-not-yet until you are satisfied that God is there, too. You will not find your answers by ignoring, by living a life of intellectual or spiritual dishonesty. Your fear will try to hold you back, your tension will increase, the pain will become intense and it will be tempting to keep clinging tight. So be gentle with yourself. Be gentle. Lean in. Stay there. And then the release will come." -Sarah Bessey

I'm numb. Purposefully so. So much hurt and disappointment in the past. And following Jesus isn't supposed to hurt, right? Or am I so wrong with that? Tonight, my church held a healing service. This is not a frequent occurrence. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's the first one I have been to. Hundreds and hundreds of people lined up to be prayed for. I heard one girl praying loudly for the one in front of her; storming the gates of Heaven for an answer. I began to breathe faster and pick at my cuticles. I thought, "How, dear Jesus, how do I believe in this again?" I didn't get a reply, and I had to mentally force myself to not panic while sitting in the middle of a long aisle in a big church.

Prayer and healing; two of the biggest passions of my [former] life. I prayed like that girl. I believed God would heal. But, then He didn't. ...and He didn't again. ...and He didn't again. And with weak faith, I stopped a lot of things, and apparently believing in prayer and healing was one of them. Maybe it's not even that I don't believe in them, but I now am certain He doesn't want me to be a part of the process. I am so far from being who He wants me to be. And sincerely, I am SO sorry about that. I've been trying. Really, I have. Trying really hard to love Him and to desire Him and to seek Him and to hear Him.

I've listened to so many people's advice. Including most of you who read this blog. I LISTEN to you. I hear you. And I try what you suggest. Even that isn't working. I need to just be who this is coming out of me for a little while. I want to let Him shape it and mold it according to His image. I love you, and I want you to be a part of this journey, because I am certain it has a positive end. But please, just don't judge me.

I scream on the inside. My heart pounds. My stomach flips. My head aches. and my heart feels like it cracks a little more. Jesus, You aren't supposed to hurt. You're supposed to help me.

Be with me, Jesus. Release me from this tension. I am weary from it. As I lean into this pain, teach me to breathe through it. I'm staying here, Jesus, until the breakthrough comes. No matter how painful.

repentance

Dear Jesus,

I'm better at writing stuff down than talking out loud. Here's the thing, I'm not really thrilled with all that's been happening in my heart, soul, and mind lately. I felt so let down by Your Dad. So shoved by the wayside. That my heart's desires didn't really matter to Him. And, as I'm sure you know, I've been doubting whether He truly is good. I set out to prove that He's not. But the wound has only gotten deeper and more infected. I was so wrong...

I see so many people around me that have a concerned look on their face, and their responses to my words are long and intense. So much so, that I don't even understand all that they mean. All that didn't matter to me for a long time, but now I'm just afraid. And though there are so many people saying they're here for me, I've never felt more alone and different.

I realize that I've chosen a lot to get myself in this position. Chosen to ignore any attempt You made to help me. I didn't fully understand the consequences of that until now. Now I find that even when I try to pray to You, the words just won't come.

But, the deal is, is that I know that this is a big spiritual battle. It was probably a lot smaller when it started, but by my allowance and the length, this has become so much bigger than I can fight alone. I'm sorry for what I've done and what I've allowed, and I really need Your help. I've made such a mess.

Amen

p.s. that was kinda hard to do.

jealous, much?

let's just call it like it is: i have major jealousy issues.

my view may be distorted, but what i see is a whole lot of happiness. my ridiculous, newly-turned, 18 year old sister is moving to texas in 3 weeks. first it was "sometime this year", then "in May", now it's "in 3 weeks." excuse me if i don't share her enthusiasm.

she's moving for a boy, who she's not engaged to, but they're "planning a wedding" for january, 2013. pardon, but shouldn't you be engaged officially before a date for a wedding is set? she doesn't even have her own vehicle.

what surfaces even more than anger at her retarded-ness, is my own freaking jealousy. she is 18 gosh dang years old! i am TWENTY-THREE, her older sister, and a maid. not that i'm only jealous that she's found her one, but i'm jealous because God is unfolding her dreams before her.

my middle sister is happily married. has a child, and is eagerly anticipating more children. i'm jealous of her. jealous that all she ever wanted has so easily been given to her.

why is He so slow to move? i've followed and done things that i always said i'd never do in pursuit of a dream birthed by Him. He said go to nursing school, i did. He said work on 6B, so i did. He said, have roommates, so i have. i've followed in faith that through obedience, this dream to leave the country and teach babies about Him, would come to fruition.

but it feels like He's just crapped on it. i'm stuck in a mountain high amount of student loans that i can barely keep up with. i've been stuck in mercy hospital for 2 miserable years. and i've had more roommates than i had diaper changes as a baby.

and my response is really wanting to crap on Him. i don't want to keep following this road blindly, just trusting that the "next turn" could be it. i don't want to pray "circles" around it believing that i'm "just a prayer away". because i've been doing that, and it's NOT working.

jealousy, it is ugly. but this is the truth.

quicksand and redemption - revised!

You've read and walked with me the past few months... Stay with me.

A few weeks ago, a close friend and I got into a major fight. With much more going on in my heart and mind than just this argument, I made a decision to react terribly. It's consequence: a hugely torn friendship. For three weeks, I could have cared less about ever repairing the friendship. Not because she didn't matter to me, but because I didn't have any energy to fight for good. I've learned that fighting for good takes a lot more strength than dwelling in the bad. It's easy to sink in quicksand. Getting out of it requires strength, patience, and...help.

Let me elaborate about quicksand. What is it and how is it created? "Quicksand is created when water saturates an area of loose sand and the ordinary sand is agitated. When the water trapped in the batch of sand can't escape, it creates liquefied soil that can no longer support weight."

How do you get out of quicksand? "If you ever find yourself in a pit of quicksand, don't worry -- it's not going to swallow you whole, and it's not as hard to escape from as you might think. The key is to not panic. Most people who drown in quicksand, or any liquid for that matter, are usually those who panic and begin flailing their arms and legs. The worst thing to do is to thrash around in the sand and move your arms and legs through the mixture. You will only succeed in forcing yourself farther down into the liquid sandpit. The best thing to do is to make slow movements and bring yourself to the surface, then just lie back. You'll float to a safe level. When you try pulling your leg out of quicksand, you are working against a vacuum left behind by the movement."

I feel as though I'm in quicksand. I've been thrashing around, flailing my arms, and resisting aid. Sometimes I found myself just wishing it would just suck me under. The slow process of coming up out of it seems too hard to fight for. Still too many questions unanswered. Still too much pride needing humbled. Still too much forgiveness I need to request.

I still question how the great big God of the universe could be so intertwined into my daily life. All the promises I stood on. Those words I thought were His to me... do they still apply?

Today, my friend and I talked. And, we're meeting up for dinner to talk some more. I prefaced our meeting for tonight with these words, "...i'll talk to you tonight, but I'm sorry for being such a jerky person and friend lately."

her unbelievable reply, "it's okay Kayla!!! I still love ya ;)"

I lost it, guys. I tried to stop the salty tears from running down my cheeks, but they simply wouldn't. I was shocked. She forgave me SO quickly. No justification...no hesitation. Just forgave.

It was then that I sensed in my heart, "if she, a human, can forgive such an ugly person as I, how much more can this God forgive me?" I've been so unwilling to surrender. So unwilling to ask forgiveness. "What if He doesn't forgive me? What if He punishes me by taking away His promises? What if He's no longer on my side anymore? I can't pray to Him. I'm still trying to decide whether or not He's for really REAL as I have been taught He is." and my brain spun and tears dripped off my chin. and people stared at me at starbucks.

i sensed the word redemption in my heart. So, I pulled up youversion.com and word searched redemption, then redeeming, then redeemed. I found these verses. Isaiah 44:22 struck me the hardest. I feel beckoned. But can I surrender? Can I trust fall into Him again? What if my mind thinks crazy things still? What if I still question and push away those who love me? What if I can never be who I was before this? What if I can't simply love like I could before? What if I'm radically different, but not in the good way?

Lamentations 3:58, "You have taken up my cause, O Lord; you have redeemed my life."

Psalm 31:5, "Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God."

Nehemiah 1:10, "They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand."

Isaiah 52:3, "You were sold for nothing, and you shall be redeemed without money."

Isaiah 35:9, "No lion shall be there, nor shall any ravenous beast come upon it; they shall not be found there, but the redeemed shall walk there."

Isaiah 44:22, "I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you."

what a day!

grasping at pleasure

Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the LORD and he will give you your heart's desires.

take: to hold, grasp, or grip.

delight: something that gives great pleasure.

"Grasp something that gives great pleasure...from Him."

is He trying to give me a gift?

coming off of my birthday week high, i've received more gifts than are countable. despite feeling super loved, i have a extremely high level of anxiety in my soul. at first, i thought it was the wine...or the sangria.

i'm still trying to figure out my heart's desire. that proverbial question, "what do you want?" i wish i could answer it. but, the truth is that i truly do not know what i want.

what strikes me about this verse is that before He even gives the desires of the heart, He requests me to take delight in Him. not gonna lie, that's been kinda hard lately. not because i feel like He's screwed me over or something... just because i simply find that i don't desire Him. i need to know why i'm feeling those feelings, though.

so i can fix it. so i can make it better.

if He is wanting to give me something of pleasure to grasp onto, what is it? what does it look like?

is He as pleasurable as you say?