I check my Facebook page often... Okay, way too often. Don't you? I changed my cover photo a couple days ago, and now every time that I open my page up, I see a hand stretched out in front of a person's face and written on her palm are the words, "YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH." Ever single time I read the words, there's a part of my heart that beats a little faster.
It's a question I've asked often over my twenty-three years... Not that I had the worst childhood, but there were parts that were incredibly difficult. One thing that has consistently lacked for many of my days is a legitimately good and healthy relationship with my parents. My dad was 21 and my mother was 20 when I, an eight pound, thirteen ounce baby girl was delivered into their world. I can only imagine the thoughts that went through their mind, "What the heck are we supposed to do with this?" I know that is probably what I would think as a 20 year old. They had been married a short 13 months before I changed their entire world. I obviously do not remember the first couple years of my life, and by that time, my little sister had arrived. Shortly thereafter, I was five years old, and then came my baby sister. She was born on March 4th, and came home from the hospital on my fifth birthday, March 7th. I remember the drive home in our long blue car with hot cloth seats. I did not want her to come home with us. Primarily because my mother told me that she was my birthday present. Who wants a live, crying baby for their birthday? Um, not me. (Fortunately, when we got home, some sweet friends had brought a Barney backpack to me for my birthday...and I loved it.)
A few years after my baby sister came home, my mother began to struggle emotionally. She was depressed most every day and her involvement in our lives became more difficult because of how she felt. Although I think she still loved us a lot, she distanced from us. As a kiddo, I just thought that if I could do something more and act more grown up, that it would make her happy. Often, it did make her proud of me. (And other adults in my life always complimented me because of how grown up I acted...so I just kept it up.) I did it so that my mom would be happy and spend time with us. If there was one thing my mother loved, it was a stunningly clean and meticulously organized house. Still does! But, when it didn't always work; when clean didn't always make her happy, she stayed depressed...and distant. So, I worked harder... and the lesson I learned (whether my mother thought this way or not...) was that I simply wasn't good enough; that I couldn't do enough for her to be happy. There was nothing that I could do to make her smile at me and spend more time with me. So, I stopped trying and I just internalized that lie..."You are not good enough."
We all have our stories. We all have those thoughts that are destructive. We all have lies that we have believed. And acknowledging that it is indeed a lie, doesn't necessarily mean you stop believing it. It takes a lot of work to disable the lie that becomes lodged as truth in your heart. I'm too much. I'm not good enough. You don't really love me. If only I was prettier. If only I was thinner. I should be smarter than this. Did I mention, I'm too much.?
I have believed and still believe at times, all of those lies. It's a process to replace a lie with the truth.
We all struggle and we struggle because of various things. Remember that you have a story, and be aware of the people around you. They have stories, too. They have tough stuff that has happened to them in their lifetime. Be compassionate and patient.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
"Even If..."
Before I walked into work this morning, I decided to open up my email and do a little clean up of my inbox. I rarely open and read the "Encouragement for Today" email's from Proverbs 31 Ministries... but I did today.
The author recalled her past of being raped and ten years later trying to heal from it. She often asked herself how she could possibly forgive him without an apology from him. She later discovered that even if he gave her an apology, it would not set her free. It would not set her free.
If it is possible to feel punched in the gut and hugged at the same time; it's what I felt.
I felt the Lord whisper to my heart, "Even if they believed you, it would not set you free." For the sake of hearts involved, I'll conceal what my family has refused to believe. The point is that man's word does not set anyone free from any chains. Actually, man's word can bind.
Stephanie Clayton writes,
"Freedom is not contingent upon receiving an apology from those who have hurt us."
I have lived for 18 years with a chain around my ankles, waiting for someone to listen. Waiting for someone to dig deep and figure out the pain etched in my masked smile. Longing to be held and loved through the shame and confusion. The older I became, the more compact it all became and the chains tightened. I have been waiting to be heard and believed by the people who gave me life, while missing that God was the one who breathed air into my lungs and caused my heart to beat.
I missed that my freedom cannot possibly come from where I expect it to come from. It comes from the God who is my father AND my mother. Freedom comes from living for an audience of ONE. Freedom comes by walking back through the pain, and allowing Him to soothe and console and nurture the wounds caused by faulty people (as we all are at times...).
It's interesting to me that man can bind, but man cannot unbind. Only God can bring freedom. Only He holds the power to restore what has been destroyed.
And, He is not waiting for anyone to apologize before He heals.
The author recalled her past of being raped and ten years later trying to heal from it. She often asked herself how she could possibly forgive him without an apology from him. She later discovered that even if he gave her an apology, it would not set her free. It would not set her free.
If it is possible to feel punched in the gut and hugged at the same time; it's what I felt.
I felt the Lord whisper to my heart, "Even if they believed you, it would not set you free." For the sake of hearts involved, I'll conceal what my family has refused to believe. The point is that man's word does not set anyone free from any chains. Actually, man's word can bind.
Stephanie Clayton writes,
"Freedom is not contingent upon receiving an apology from those who have hurt us."
I have lived for 18 years with a chain around my ankles, waiting for someone to listen. Waiting for someone to dig deep and figure out the pain etched in my masked smile. Longing to be held and loved through the shame and confusion. The older I became, the more compact it all became and the chains tightened. I have been waiting to be heard and believed by the people who gave me life, while missing that God was the one who breathed air into my lungs and caused my heart to beat.
I missed that my freedom cannot possibly come from where I expect it to come from. It comes from the God who is my father AND my mother. Freedom comes from living for an audience of ONE. Freedom comes by walking back through the pain, and allowing Him to soothe and console and nurture the wounds caused by faulty people (as we all are at times...).
It's interesting to me that man can bind, but man cannot unbind. Only God can bring freedom. Only He holds the power to restore what has been destroyed.
And, He is not waiting for anyone to apologize before He heals.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
live strongly, laugh loudly, love deeply
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. -Psalm 139:13-16
There is a level of peace that comes when I remember that, all of my days were already formed for me, before even I was formed... God cannot be surprised or dismayed by any of my steps. He knew what they would look like before I was even being formed in my mother's womb.
I have many goals in life. There are so many things I would like to do before my short time on earth is over. I want to gain higher education so that I am more capable of helping those in my community in a greater way; to gain a greater credibility. I want to find a husband that shares similar goals; to partner with and to love life with. I want to be a momma; to my kids and to other's. I want little hands to teach kindness and service to and tiny feet that learn to take giant leaps of faith. I want to travel the world and hold and nurture kiddos of all colors and ages and kiss their faces. I want to wipe tears from hurt kiddos' pain and speak life over them. I want them to know that He formed them, knitted them together wonderfully, intricately wove them, and has a brilliant plan for their lives. I want to love them to pieces. I want their hearts to grow strong in love for God and people.
I want to walk tall and feel strong. I want the work I am doing now, to enable me to push back walls of darkness in others. I want to do for others what people have done/are doing for me. I want to grow in my career. I want to grow in my health and wellness.
I want to legitimately learn how to play the piano; not just chord. I want to sing again. I want to paint and decorate a house I own. I want to have chickens and horses and puppies. I want to write a book. I want to share my story, (the pain AND the restoration), and see God use it for good.
Maybe not all of these things mentioned will happen. Though they seem like some pretty amazing goals, Ephesians says that God can do abundantly more than I can ask or imagine. So, I guess if these things don't happen, better things are on their way.
I just want to live strongly and laugh loudly and love deeply.
-Wonderful are His works;
my soul knows it very well.-
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Recovery
My birthday is coming up. March 7. I'll be 24. It always kind of freaks me out when I realize that every year of my life is another year farther away from being 18 again. This year seems to be beginning with a certain theme; letting go.
There are many ideas/things/relationships that need to be let go in my life. Let go so that other ideas can form, that better things can come, and so that stronger, healthier relationships can build.
It's not easy for me to let go...of anything. I'm not a hoarder of material things, but things of the heart; I am. Even when it may be damaging to my heart. I'm positive I'm not the only one. You may be the same way.
In the past, I have allowed negative behaviors to control my actions. I have allowed negative influences to lead my relationships. I have allowed negative sights, sounds, and feelings to confirm what I think about myself; that I'm useless, purposeless, filthy, worthless, and incapable.
Through much reflection and hard work, those negative thought patterns are being disabled. Sometimes I still make decisions out of those beliefs; and often those decisions put me in a path of harm. It's okay to make those decisions, though. I'm still working it out. I know it's not possible, but I kind of convince myself that Jesus loves me more because of my failings. It makes coping with them a little easier. :)
Anyway, letting go is hard. But, I am having to do it in many areas of my life. I would encourage you to seek yourself and see if you find anything you would benefit from letting go of. Or maybe, you will find a hole that needs filled.
I'm praying that 2013 is better than 2012. And that my 24th year is better than my 23rd.
A year of recovery. Yes, a year to recover.
There are many ideas/things/relationships that need to be let go in my life. Let go so that other ideas can form, that better things can come, and so that stronger, healthier relationships can build.
It's not easy for me to let go...of anything. I'm not a hoarder of material things, but things of the heart; I am. Even when it may be damaging to my heart. I'm positive I'm not the only one. You may be the same way.
In the past, I have allowed negative behaviors to control my actions. I have allowed negative influences to lead my relationships. I have allowed negative sights, sounds, and feelings to confirm what I think about myself; that I'm useless, purposeless, filthy, worthless, and incapable.
Through much reflection and hard work, those negative thought patterns are being disabled. Sometimes I still make decisions out of those beliefs; and often those decisions put me in a path of harm. It's okay to make those decisions, though. I'm still working it out. I know it's not possible, but I kind of convince myself that Jesus loves me more because of my failings. It makes coping with them a little easier. :)
Anyway, letting go is hard. But, I am having to do it in many areas of my life. I would encourage you to seek yourself and see if you find anything you would benefit from letting go of. Or maybe, you will find a hole that needs filled.
I'm praying that 2013 is better than 2012. And that my 24th year is better than my 23rd.
A year of recovery. Yes, a year to recover.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
He sets me up to WIN
For THIS reason I remind you to fan into FLAME the gift of God, which is IN you through the laying on of my hands... (2 Timothy 1:6 ESV)
What can I say about my day? I am inspired. I am moved. I am called. I am pulled. I am motivated. God helped restore/create a passion within me. I have been praying that the Lord would provide me opportunity to use my gifts. To put my hand to something that His favor rests upon.
I don't know all of what tomorrow, next week, next month or the coming years look like for me. But what I am reminded of is that GOD IS A BUILDER. God allows us to go through situations, sometimes way less than ideal to SET US UP, brick by brick, for what He is planning for us in the future. He lays foundation, and he builds, and he remodels, and he restores, and he protects.
What I KNOW and can stand confident in tonight is that my God has a PLAN for my life. I had lost a bit of faith in that, my vision blurred by my circumstances. But literally I am praising the Lord.
I am PRAYING that the gifting's that the Lord has put IN me will be fanned into FLAME for THIS time.
Wow. I'm stunned by Him right now.
--praise Him.
What can I say about my day? I am inspired. I am moved. I am called. I am pulled. I am motivated. God helped restore/create a passion within me. I have been praying that the Lord would provide me opportunity to use my gifts. To put my hand to something that His favor rests upon.
I don't know all of what tomorrow, next week, next month or the coming years look like for me. But what I am reminded of is that GOD IS A BUILDER. God allows us to go through situations, sometimes way less than ideal to SET US UP, brick by brick, for what He is planning for us in the future. He lays foundation, and he builds, and he remodels, and he restores, and he protects.
What I KNOW and can stand confident in tonight is that my God has a PLAN for my life. I had lost a bit of faith in that, my vision blurred by my circumstances. But literally I am praising the Lord.
I am PRAYING that the gifting's that the Lord has put IN me will be fanned into FLAME for THIS time.
Wow. I'm stunned by Him right now.
--praise Him.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Thirsty in the Desert
You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. -Psalm 63:1-2
Sometimes I don't realize how thirsty I am until I go through the desert. Something about the dry and parched land reminds me how important water is. How much my body craves and needs it. And, I would suggest that we feel thirsty far more often than we feel hungry.
When I'm finished with an intense workout, I don't crave milk or soda or juice. I crave water. Cool water. When I'm busting it out at work staying at times hours in my patient's room, I often become quite thirsty and sometimes I ask a coworker to bring me some water.
However, often when I'm walking through a really dry place in my spiritual life, I forget to ask the Lord for His thirst quenching power. I forget He gives water breaks. I forget that He loves to give good gifts to His children. And sometimes, I even refuse His water. "Oh Lord… Couldn't you have brought me VOSS instead of Aquafina?"
Unfortunately, as I wonder why He isn't helping me, I reflect on all that He has done in times past. Usually, I'm not so focused on the times He has proven His faithfulness to ME, but I often can remember how He has proven faithful to OTHER people that I know.
"Ya know, Lord… You do everything for everyone else! You provided for his mission trip. You paid her electric bill. You gave him back double what he tithed. You brought her husband to her. They're going to have another baby. He went to school for free." The list goes on and on.
Sometimes I don't realize how thirsty I am until I go through the desert. Something about the dry and parched land reminds me how important water is. How much my body craves and needs it. And, I would suggest that we feel thirsty far more often than we feel hungry.
When I'm finished with an intense workout, I don't crave milk or soda or juice. I crave water. Cool water. When I'm busting it out at work staying at times hours in my patient's room, I often become quite thirsty and sometimes I ask a coworker to bring me some water.
However, often when I'm walking through a really dry place in my spiritual life, I forget to ask the Lord for His thirst quenching power. I forget He gives water breaks. I forget that He loves to give good gifts to His children. And sometimes, I even refuse His water. "Oh Lord… Couldn't you have brought me VOSS instead of Aquafina?"
Unfortunately, as I wonder why He isn't helping me, I reflect on all that He has done in times past. Usually, I'm not so focused on the times He has proven His faithfulness to ME, but I often can remember how He has proven faithful to OTHER people that I know.
"Ya know, Lord… You do everything for everyone else! You provided for his mission trip. You paid her electric bill. You gave him back double what he tithed. You brought her husband to her. They're going to have another baby. He went to school for free." The list goes on and on.
But, "I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory." -Psalm 63:2
I go through these cycles often. Belief and disbelief. Faithful and faithless. Seeking and refusing. Acceptance and rejection. Thirsting and thirst quenched.
David cried out to the Lord and it probably would sound something like this in our modern day, "OH GOD, I AM SO THIRSTY FOR YOU. I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN IN A DESERT WALKING AROUND FOR A LIFETIME WITHOUT WATER. I REMEMBER WHAT YOU CAN DO, OH GOD! OH GOD!"
I mimic this cry, "Oh GOD! I am SO thirsty. I am SO thirsty! I have been walking along this dry, hot, parched desert land and I've found nothing to quench my thirst. I must be thirsty for You, oh God. It has to be true. I remember what You do, what You've done, and what You CAN do. Quench my thirst, Lord."
I have seen Him work in the sanctuary of my life. My heart is His sanctuary. It is where He dwells, and I cannot deny that He resides there. That He has done some very detailed work on my soul and in my spirit. I have beheld His power and His glory in my life and in the lives of those I know. He has proven Himself faithful time and time again. He has shown His unfailing love to me in countless ways and in ways that I may never even know about.
My Lord,
Thank you for this desert. Thank you for reminding me how thirsty I am for you. For revealing that only You can quench that thirst. Thank you for your continued patience with me. Thank you for leading me to water even if I still wander seekingly through the desert. I am thirsty for You. I am longing for You, all of you. God, I have seen you in my sanctuary and I have beheld your power and your glory over and over and over again. You are GOOD. And, I love you. Grow my love for you and help me to see you in everything all of the time!
Amen
I go through these cycles often. Belief and disbelief. Faithful and faithless. Seeking and refusing. Acceptance and rejection. Thirsting and thirst quenched.
David cried out to the Lord and it probably would sound something like this in our modern day, "OH GOD, I AM SO THIRSTY FOR YOU. I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN IN A DESERT WALKING AROUND FOR A LIFETIME WITHOUT WATER. I REMEMBER WHAT YOU CAN DO, OH GOD! OH GOD!"
I mimic this cry, "Oh GOD! I am SO thirsty. I am SO thirsty! I have been walking along this dry, hot, parched desert land and I've found nothing to quench my thirst. I must be thirsty for You, oh God. It has to be true. I remember what You do, what You've done, and what You CAN do. Quench my thirst, Lord."
I have seen Him work in the sanctuary of my life. My heart is His sanctuary. It is where He dwells, and I cannot deny that He resides there. That He has done some very detailed work on my soul and in my spirit. I have beheld His power and His glory in my life and in the lives of those I know. He has proven Himself faithful time and time again. He has shown His unfailing love to me in countless ways and in ways that I may never even know about.
My Lord,
Thank you for this desert. Thank you for reminding me how thirsty I am for you. For revealing that only You can quench that thirst. Thank you for your continued patience with me. Thank you for leading me to water even if I still wander seekingly through the desert. I am thirsty for You. I am longing for You, all of you. God, I have seen you in my sanctuary and I have beheld your power and your glory over and over and over again. You are GOOD. And, I love you. Grow my love for you and help me to see you in everything all of the time!
Amen
Monday, December 31, 2012
The Same God
He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased OUR freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave OUR sins. -Ephesians 1:7
Something that is hard for me to wrap my mind around is that God is the same God for ALL of humankind. In the above verse, Paul states that he purchased "OUR" freedom and forgave "OUR" sins. ALL of us. Wait......everyone? That's hard to believe.
He loves each of His created souls equally and sent His Son to cover each of their individual sins. His grace is just as much for the murderer as it is for the murdered. His love reaches into the depth of the one who hates Him just as far as it does the soul who seeks Him. His mercy is for the abuser as much as for the abused. He fights on behalf of the one who hurt another as much as He fights for the one who was hurt. That's really hard to grasp when you're the one who's been hurt.
This means that the Lord loves the child murderer from Sandy Hook as deeply as He loved the little children who were mercilessly slaughtered. It means He loves and offers forgiveness to those who await their fate on death row for the horrific choices made in time's past. It means that those who hurt me, He loves and offers forgiveness to, just the same as He does me.
Forgiveness, grace and mercy abound and are endless with the Lord. Although justice will be served, it is not ours to serve. Romans 12:19 says, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." I have to decide to let Him be my avenger. To trust that regardless of what comes from exposing hard truth's, that He will be my avenger, that He will be my protector, and that He will indeed be my "rear guard."
Isaiah 58:8 says, "Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your HEALING shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard."
Tonight, as I read friends on Facebook speak about the year 2012 in retrospect, as well as state their goals for 2013, I am reminded of what I learned in 2012. There is nothing and no one that is concrete in this world except the Lord who created it. As far as 2013, I hold no expectations aside from literally walking daily with Him beside me. To trust Him to act on my behalf and to protect me and to surround me with safety and with safe people.
Isaiah 43:18-19a says, "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth..."
Here's to tomorrow; and to the same God today, yesterday, and forever.
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