December 23rd, in an inconvenient way, I found out that my 17 year old baby sister was practically engaged. Something on the inside of me did a bit of a flip-out. You can ask the people who know me best; I kind of lost it for a bit. To tell you the truth, I may still be seeking to gain it back.
On that day, as I drove 100 miles to get home for Christmas, I blurted it out before I even realized it, "God, are You even real? Are You even good? First my middle sister, NOW my baby sister. I haven't even KISSED a guy. You're joking me." Thus began a spiral. I don't think it spiraled down, or up, but just transverse. The path that looked so straight before began to feel too curvy, and I got sick. Very sick.
I pulled myself together, but masked a look. The look fooled others (or so I was hoping), and I think it even fooled me for a little while. "I'm okay. God is good. Sometimes dreams just don't work out." That's what my mouth said. Some received it, and believed it with me. Others blatantly denied it. And they made me angry. From my perspective, they had it together. God was on their side. He is helping THEM achieve their dreams. I'm WATCHING them unfold. Haiti? Africa? Missions? Orphans? Ministry? I'm just going to forget about it. I'm going to let it die. This is too hard. He can pick someone else. He can make someone else wait. I'm doing my own thing now. I won't be made a fool.
I was a mess. Trying SO hard to make sense of something that cannot make sense.
I thought, "God cannot be good. And if God isn't good, He isn't for me. And if He isn't for me, then all of what I have ever thought I believed is FAKE. It cannot be REAL. If He isn't for me, then the Bible LIES. I have to find out for sure. I have to KNOW." And no one's attempt at encouragement or speaking truth...none of it worked. None of it helped me grasp what He was trying to teach me.
As things began to get really out of control, my emotions, thought processes, my attitude, and even my actions, I realized that for my mind's sake, and for yours, I had to make a choice. I am either ALL in or ALL out. Jesus or NO Jesus. I still had no answers to any of my questions, but I knew I had to make a conscious choice for myself. Not because others told me it was good or right or sure, but because it was MY decision. I chose Him. I choose Him.
Everyday, I have to choose Him. I must place my trust into the One who's hand I've never shook. Who's eyes I've never looked into. Who's voice I've never heard. I have to trust that those little heart promptings may be from Him, and even if they're not, TRUST that He'll help me through my decisions. But the MOST IMPORTANT thing is to always realize that every single opportunity to make a choice is absolutely, 100 percent, MY decision. I choose Him. I choose to obey Him. I choose to respond to Him. I choose to react to Him. I choose to talk to Him. I choose to listen to Him. I choose to trust that He knows best. I choose it all. What an incredibly hard way to learn that lesson. I wanted independence, and He was saying, "You have ALL control over your decisions, Kayla. I just want to be your choice."
As things began to get really out of control, my emotions, thought processes, my attitude, and even my actions, I realized that for my mind's sake, and for yours, I had to make a choice. I am either ALL in or ALL out. Jesus or NO Jesus. I still had no answers to any of my questions, but I knew I had to make a conscious choice for myself. Not because others told me it was good or right or sure, but because it was MY decision. I chose Him. I choose Him.
Everyday, I have to choose Him. I must place my trust into the One who's hand I've never shook. Who's eyes I've never looked into. Who's voice I've never heard. I have to trust that those little heart promptings may be from Him, and even if they're not, TRUST that He'll help me through my decisions. But the MOST IMPORTANT thing is to always realize that every single opportunity to make a choice is absolutely, 100 percent, MY decision. I choose Him. I choose to obey Him. I choose to respond to Him. I choose to react to Him. I choose to talk to Him. I choose to listen to Him. I choose to trust that He knows best. I choose it all. What an incredibly hard way to learn that lesson. I wanted independence, and He was saying, "You have ALL control over your decisions, Kayla. I just want to be your choice."
In the middle of what I thought was Him abandoning me, I was making an active choice of forgetting about Him. He never let me go, though. Reminding me through scripture that I screamed anger at. Whispering to me through people's loving looks. Speaking to me through that "One Thousand Things" book and "Jesus Calling" and these insanely loving Facebook messages from my friend Laci. Then these blogs by my friend Jamie. I'm fairly certain Jamie was close to slapping me upside the face because of all my ignorant verbiage. Praise God for true friends. Kimberly said, "Even when you frustrate me and I'm tired, I still love you." Julie, my roommate, sitting on the couch across from me while I cry out of hurt and anger and disappointment. They were Him never letting me go.
Jamie wrote this today, "http://her-keys-typed.blogspot.com/2012/01/satisfied-in-wait.html?spref=fb" I urge you to read it, and all of what she's written as she's on an incredible life altering path. She's eating it up. Learning what she can from the One who saved her...and me. I read the following scripture in her blog and wanted to elaborate on it in my own. From what I know is true in my situation.
Then he continued, "Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. (Daniel 10:12)
As I read this in her blog, I nodded. Yep, you HAVE to set your mind to gain understanding. A few days ago, after a really disappointing night of doing my taxes, I was back in that "God is NOT good. Nothing EVER works out for good for me." And, I made a choice the next day, "Nope, I chose Him. Regardless of how I feel right now, I CHOSE Him. And if I CHOSE Him, I have to trust that even if things aren't fixed, HE will help me pay back what I owe." Then, I prayed for wisdom and understanding and I asked Him to help me believe and trust in Him. All of this because I made a choice to take things to Him. I'll never write that I'm humble. Because I KNOW how prideful I truly am. I also know how pride breaking feels, and it hurts and within that lesson lie hard times. I'm still working on trust and belief, but I can say that I know that He's for me. 100 percent, He is for me.
I'm stronger, now. Way stronger. By His grace, His strength is continually made stronger in my weakness. I'm an overcomer by He who resides in me. I'll always know that the only power I have, (and it's strong), is my choice. I constantly have choices to make, and if they point toward Him, they are NEVER wrong. That is SO relieving.
