The last couple of days have been weird...and hard.
It's that time of the year again, where people are signing up for classes and getting their books and purchasing a fresh planner for their studies. It's that time of the year again, where I think about all of the things I am passionate about and fret about which one to pursue. I am so WEIRD. So, because I continue to throw all of these things around in my head, I am insisting myself to write them down and maybe my fast paced mind will receive rest.
1) I am passionate about medicine probably more than nursing. Therefore, I can easily see myself pursuing med school and become a practicing physician.
2) I am passionate about those trapped in addiction. Therefore, I can easily see myself pursuing a degree in sociology and psychology and become a counselor advocating relapse prevention.
3) I am passionate about music, both instrumental and vocal. Therefore, I can see myself pursuing a degree in music and working toward a form of directing on a professional level.
4) I am passionate about furthering education, period. Therefore, I can soooomewhat see myself pursuing a higher degree in nursing and pursuing my doctorate in nursing.
5) I am passionate about au naturale living. Therefore, I can see myself buying a house, settling down with someone forever, raising a family, and living off the land through organic gardening and teaching my little ones responsibility with animal care and instilling educational values into them.
6) I am passionate about humanitarian aid to those less fortunate than myself. Therefore, I can see myself giving everything else up in the pursuit of a life in Haiti or Africa where I dedicate everything I am to loving on buggy heads and washing dirty hands and lovingly placing a bandaid on a bleeding HIV positive baby and delivering babies in the back village.
In confusion and exhaustion, I simply want to run away. I research hospitals to work in focusing on relocation. Baltimore, New York, Boston, Dallas... Maybe if I can run far enough, these passions will elude me and peace will consume me. I clearly cannot do them all, and because all passions are equal, choosing one to pursue is impossible.
It's times like these that I kick myself for signing a twelve month lease when I know my heart is accustomed to six months or less. I still love my little apartment, but I. must. escape. for the sake of sanity.
Another thing that has caught one of my heart strings is that I often have no passion for God or the things of Him. I believe now more than ever before in the war for a soul. I feel so detached from the battle, but know that there is one raging. I sense myself longing to lose the numbness against reality. However, when feeling happens, I push it away because there's just too much to deal with and sort through.
"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying 'Ayo, gotta let go.'" ...gotta escape.
