"i throw my hands up in the air sometimes..."

The last couple of days have been weird...and hard.

It's that time of the year again, where people are signing up for classes and getting their books and purchasing a fresh planner for their studies. It's that time of the year again, where I think about all of the things I am passionate about and fret about which one to pursue. I am so WEIRD. So, because I continue to throw all of these things around in my head, I am insisting myself to write them down and maybe my fast paced mind will receive rest.

1) I am passionate about medicine probably more than nursing. Therefore, I can easily see myself pursuing med school and become a practicing physician.

2) I am passionate about those trapped in addiction. Therefore, I can easily see myself pursuing a degree in sociology and psychology and become a counselor advocating relapse prevention.

3) I am passionate about music, both instrumental and vocal. Therefore, I can see myself pursuing a degree in music and working toward a form of directing on a professional level.

4) I am passionate about furthering education, period. Therefore, I can soooomewhat see myself pursuing a higher degree in nursing and pursuing my doctorate in nursing.

5) I am passionate about au naturale living. Therefore, I can see myself buying a house, settling down with someone forever, raising a family, and living off the land through organic gardening and teaching my little ones responsibility with animal care and instilling educational values into them.

6) I am passionate about humanitarian aid to those less fortunate than myself. Therefore, I can see myself giving everything else up in the pursuit of a life in Haiti or Africa where I dedicate everything I am to loving on buggy heads and washing dirty hands and lovingly placing a bandaid on a bleeding HIV positive baby and delivering babies in the back village.

In confusion and exhaustion, I simply want to run away. I research hospitals to work in focusing on relocation. Baltimore, New York, Boston, Dallas... Maybe if I can run far enough, these passions will elude me and peace will consume me. I clearly cannot do them all, and because all passions are equal, choosing one to pursue is impossible.

It's times like these that I kick myself for signing a twelve month lease when I know my heart is accustomed to six months or less. I still love my little apartment, but I. must. escape. for the sake of sanity.

Another thing that has caught one of my heart strings is that I often have no passion for God or the things of Him. I believe now more than ever before in the war for a soul. I feel so detached from the battle, but know that there is one raging. I sense myself longing to lose the numbness against reality. However, when feeling happens, I push it away because there's just too much to deal with and sort through.

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying 'Ayo, gotta let go.'" ...gotta escape.