preface: this. is. a. hard. day.
a friend said, "Just know that I love you no matter what and will walk beside you friend!"
instantly, I thought to myself, "I'm not sure I need loved 'no matter what'". sometimes I think I need bitch slapped back to reality. sometimes it feels like God has really messed me up. and though my head reassures me that isn't truth, my heart screams otherwise. I wish I knew what catches me up when it comes to loving Jesus and trusting Him.
"you break me to bind me.
you hurt me, Lord, to heal me.
you cut me to touch me.
you died to revive me."
lyrics to a new song by Tenth Avenue North. and they kill me. someone tell me that they're not true.
there's something in me that refuses to maintain a desire for Him. and when these moments of hard come, it's like a cinder block just beat the shit out of me.
why is this so hard? why am I crying? why can't I keep it together for longer than a few months? am I running from Him? am I missing something?
this is a hard day. and I hate it.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
the posture
As I was getting ready this morning, the Lord was near to my heart. This weekend, God met me the exact way I have been praying for Him to meet me. I have been praying that He would simply be near me, that I could feel Him and that He would bring me a repentant heart. He answered this prayer so beautifully and with such poise that I have been humbled in the process.
This morning, I was thinking about bondage. The last two days I have been fearful that His nearness is going to leave me. I have been fearful that if and when I mess up, I'll push Him away from me. In anxiety, I cried as I laid in bed last night, begging Him, "Please don't leave me. Please do not leave me." The bondage of my sinful decisions has kept me so tightly bound the last year that I fear going back there.
And the Lord gave me a picture today; The chains have been broken and are laying at my feet, but I remain in the same bound posture.
The wrists are still together as if they are still shackled together.
The body is tightly wound making motion difficult as if the ropes are still wrapped around me.
The head hangs low in the oppression the chains have cast me in.
The fear causes all of me to tremble.
Yet, the chains are not ON me but BESIDE me. Captivity no longer describes me, because FREEDOM has made it's home.
The Lord was saying to me, "Get up and walk, cherished one. Let loose from that which once bound you and lift your hands and shout your freedom. Lean on Me with your full weight and let Me heal your wounds."
What a picture!
Friend, what have you been set free from?
Do you doubt your freedom because you are still standing in the posture bondage had placed you in?
This morning, I was thinking about bondage. The last two days I have been fearful that His nearness is going to leave me. I have been fearful that if and when I mess up, I'll push Him away from me. In anxiety, I cried as I laid in bed last night, begging Him, "Please don't leave me. Please do not leave me." The bondage of my sinful decisions has kept me so tightly bound the last year that I fear going back there.
And the Lord gave me a picture today; The chains have been broken and are laying at my feet, but I remain in the same bound posture.
The wrists are still together as if they are still shackled together.
The body is tightly wound making motion difficult as if the ropes are still wrapped around me.
The head hangs low in the oppression the chains have cast me in.
The fear causes all of me to tremble.
Yet, the chains are not ON me but BESIDE me. Captivity no longer describes me, because FREEDOM has made it's home.
The Lord was saying to me, "Get up and walk, cherished one. Let loose from that which once bound you and lift your hands and shout your freedom. Lean on Me with your full weight and let Me heal your wounds."
What a picture!
Friend, what have you been set free from?
Do you doubt your freedom because you are still standing in the posture bondage had placed you in?
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