"no matter what"

preface: this. is. a. hard. day.

a friend said, "Just know that I love you no matter what and will walk beside you friend!"

instantly, I thought to myself, "I'm not sure I need loved 'no matter what'". sometimes I think I need bitch slapped back to reality. sometimes it feels like God has really messed me up. and though my head reassures me that isn't truth, my heart screams otherwise. I wish I knew what catches me up when it comes to loving Jesus and trusting Him.

"you break me to bind me.
you hurt me, Lord, to heal me. 
you cut me to touch me. 
you died to revive me."

lyrics to a new song by Tenth Avenue North. and they kill me. someone tell me that they're not true.

there's something in me that refuses to maintain a desire for Him. and when these moments of hard come, it's like a cinder block just beat the shit out of me.

why is this so hard? why am I crying? why can't I keep it together for longer than a few months? am I running from Him? am I missing something?

this is a hard day. and I hate it.