abandoned

(so this wasn't an easy post for me to write. and as far as today is concerned, well...I've had better days. however, I know I'm not the only one to struggle with parental relationships. so, I write because I know I'm not alone, and I want you to know you're not either. this is a raw, open, and oozing wound that the Lord is actively healing. if you find yourself relating, please let me know. I'll pray for you.)


my father: "I wish I could go back and fix things. I crucify myself every single day for failing as a father to you."

my reply: "Tell me, what needs fixed. Acknowledge something."

him: "Not being involved in your life when you were younger. For backing out on God and on you...I thought you were better off without me. ...I should not have abandoned you."

ABANDONED:
a) to give up completely
b) cease to support or look after someone

it was several months into counseling that my counselor asked the question, "how long have you felt abandoned?" in that moment, my stomach and heart switched places.

me: "abandoned...? no. I've not been abandoned. I've always been taken care of. ...what does that word even mean?"

it took two weeks to digest that word and dig deep into my heart to uncover and fully see wounds of the past.* it took two weeks to even re-say the word. abandonment. it made me feel ill. but on october 27, my father openly confessed it with seemingly no hesitation.

it felt like I had just been punched. it felt like something had just stolen the last breath in my lungs. what stunned me is that I had refuted that word as soon as the counselor said it. believed it to not be true. this father whose hands I was given into by the Father just admitted that it was indeed true.

if I knew how to process that, I wouldn't be writing about it now. to be vulnerable, it cut me deeply. some of you may think that I need to be quick to forgive him and forget. that I should jump at the opportunity to attempt a relationship with him now. but, for now, I cannot. I can forgive the action, but my heart has not even begun to heal from this.

lately, I have began to seek the scripture for the truth's I have forgotten. though my father made mistakes and made poor choices when it came to being there for me, my Father says He is with me. and, sometimes the Father breaks you down (i hate that part) so you can see that He is really all you're supposed to need. here is some of the TRUTH that I have been reading tonight.
 
God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. (Ephesians 1:5)

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! (Psalm 139:17-18) 

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! (1 John 3:1)

For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. (Lamentations 3:31)

Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. (Psalm 27:10)

 No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. (Joshua 1:5)