fought for

exodus 14:14 "the Lord himself will fight for you. just stay calm."

over the course of the past 22 days, my life (the secretive part) has ceased to continue as it has always. as the darkness has been exposed, the light has shone brightly on it. close friends have refused to let me re-drape it in black, therefore the journey of healing what has been covered began.

because of some events in my childhood, I realized how little I felt "fought for". through hard times at school, with poor teachers and coaches, I most always defended myself. there are things that happened at my school to me that no one knows about, because at the time I just believed I was the only one who would defend myself. and I handled those situations the best I knew how to. and when it came to arguments with my mom, my dad ignored them. pretended that if he didn't approach it, it would all simply go away. so, I fought for myself. I've always fought for myself.

three weeks ago, I couldn't fight anymore. just simply SO tired emotionally and mentally. so I stopped fighting. but the moment I stopped, my friends began fighting for me harder than I have ever fought for myself. friends that see way more in myself than I can at times. and multiple people who have contacted me so randomly (that have had no idea the situation I've found myself in), simply to tell me that they felt the Lord was laying me on their heart to pray for me.

when I realized how little I felt "fought for", I was devastated. it was what brought me to my knees. I didn't have anywhere to turn, so I nose dived downward. and as I look back at the course of the past 3 weeks, I can see how so intricately the Lord is fighting for me. He's battling on my behalf and helping me reach healing in a more whole way than I've ever had it before.

I am so PROUD of myself for making the changes I've made the last three weeks. though my friends have been at the forefront of helping me navigate these roads I've never taken, the decisions have always been mine. I have chosen this way to follow instead of the other, and though it feels harder, it feels right. in areas of weakness, I have relinquished control to two safe friends. as an outlet for stress and a choice to make myself stronger, I have joined CrossFit. and, I pray harder than I've ever prayed because I'm dealing with things that are at times stronger than I am.

and when I feel like I can't fight for myself anymore, I rest assured knowing that the LORD fights for me. He determines to show me that even when I won't press on, He's going to press on for me. praise Him for building an army around me.

I know that "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

In time, and even now, I am able to comfort others around me just because of the comfort He has given me.

good, good, God.