"Do you like guys?"

"So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

I wish there was an explanation for the thoughts that run through my mind. As I read the aforementioned verse, I shake my head in disagreement. There are conflicting views in my heart. My soul fights the truth at every turn. I realize, however, that when it comes to this season: I am on my own. My friends are surely frustrated at my lack of response to their words. At times, I desperately wish I was the person who clinged to the heart of Jesus and encouraged others in His ways.

A few days ago at work, a new coworker asked me if I was married. Nope. Kids? Nope. Dating? Nope. Interested in anyone? Nope. (said a little quicker.) With a little hesitancy she asked, "Do you like guys?" oh.my.gosh! you've gotta be kidding me... I quickly answered, "Uhhhh, YES!" She then asked what my "type" was, questioning, "Do you want a good Christian boy?" Quicker answered than any of the other questions, I replied, "Oh...noooo..."


As soon as I said it, I couldn't believe the words had exited my mouth. I tried to recover by saying, "Well.... I don't wanna be a Pastor's wife or anything..." She nodded in understanding. What the hell?! I'm a freaking disaster.


When it comes to 1 Peter 5:6-7; How can I ever be content with who I am right now in this moment? My words spew ignorance and I can be really awkward. If anything, when it comes to God, I feel demoted, certainly not promoted. But, when it comes to living carefree, I definitely have that under control. I've probably taken that one to the extreme. Why would He be careful with such a wreck as me?

Still, through all of this season, I'm confident that there is a reason for where my heart insists on staying. It is not pleasant, nor seemingly beneficial; but there has to be a reason. One day, this.will.break. Freedom.will.come. and I pray I'm not to jaded to allow it to pass by me.