-fear-

*welcome to vulnerability*

fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

I spend a disturbing amount of time locked down in this emotion. Do you? It is only natural that when someone states they are afraid, you respond with the question, "What is it that you are afraid of?" 

I have asked myself this question for weeks upon weeks. I have received little revelation. Actually, I know several things I am afraid of, but I fear there is no resolution to these fears. I am terrified that the chaos my heart feels is permanent. The constant resistance to anything I cannot understand. I am afraid that I am going to wear my friends out with my neediness. In the current, I control my level of leaking neediness. But what happens when I erupt? Or can I keep controlling it?

I need a constant. A tangible constant. Someone to consistently reassure my altered self. Someone to remind me to breathe when it feels impossible. Someone who sees through the lies I tell them and myself. Someone who won't leave when it all becomes too much. And then I realize how selfish it sounds to want or expect such a someone. To realize that I am not all there is in this world. To remember that I am one of seven billion people on this earth. Who am I to need anything from anyone at all? To remember that I am twenty-three years old. Though at times I feel like a six year old.

What do I choose to believe? That I am worth filling those needs? Or that I am self-absorbed? What do I have a right to need? Am I childish for wanting these things? Do these needs define me as ignorant and weak as I feel because of them? What if they aren't dumb needs? Who is supposed to fill them?

I am afraid because not only might this be too much for you, it's too much for me, too. My inability to understand myself makes it impossible for you to understand me. My lack of self-acceptance makes it impossible for you to accept me wherever I am. I want you so desperately to love me where I am, but I will reject your every attempt to do so because in truth, I am disgusted with who I am. I am not good. But, you would never see that. You see what I want you to see.

This is all too messy and too frightening and I am exhausted. I walk in a land where insomnia rules and my facade is perfected. Where emotions are questioned and beliefs are created on shaky foundations. My heart kind of aches. And, I want to run away from myself; start afresh, start anew, have a redo. Am I truly going to live through? Are you going to make it, too?

I just don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want to be safe.

the V word

i'm not talking about victory. the word is not veracity or virgin or vegetables... it's vulnerable.

none of us want to be it. at least not really. i would also suggest to you that even in our most vulnerable moments, we keep it surface level.

i want to shake that up. i want to be real with you for several reasons.

first thing, i believe that though we feel alone in our struggles, we are not. i also believe that when He is given the opportunity, the Lord can work through our struggle and sin to bring ourselves healing and redemption and also to pave the road to freedom for others.

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (2 Corinthians 1:4)

 secondly, i simply do not want to hide anymore. hiding gets increasingly difficult with time. i've also learned that sharing brings freedom from the feeling of bondage. though, much caution should be taken when choosing who to be vulnerable with.

many of you know that the past 9 months have been very difficult for me. some of you may have read the blogs i vomited out of extreme brokenness and heartache and anger. for clarification, i am not in the least bit remorseful for those blog posts. they were/are a window into a deeper part of who i am. a deep part that i know i am not alone in having. and, i am aware that quite possibly the words of mine you read, made you feel uncomfortable because you yourself have struggled with similar things.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3)

to initiate being vulnerable with you, in April, i began the counseling process with a christian counselor. though some of you know this, many of you don't. i deeply believe that the Lord set in motion this counseling, and i know He set it in motion because of the aforementioned verse. counseling is a process for healing the brokenhearted and binding wounds. but i will be extremely honest, the process sucks. it is the most painful thing i have walked through yet, as those wounds that He binds, He must first expose and deeply dig out. it is messy.

there's a lot more to me and my story that i have hope in sharing with you in time. because through it, the Lord WILL bring healing and restoration to not only me, but quite possibly to you, as well.

i don't know who you are reading this, but i love you. and i intensely desire you to be set free from the "stuff" that entangles you. so much so, that i am willing to share with you the innermost secretive parts of me.

of course i am hesitant in being vulnerable to you. because you may hurt me. even unintentionally. so be patient and be kind, because i want to show you Christ's healing process. i want you to see it, so maybe you'll let Him heal you, too.