-fear-

*welcome to vulnerability*

fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

I spend a disturbing amount of time locked down in this emotion. Do you? It is only natural that when someone states they are afraid, you respond with the question, "What is it that you are afraid of?" 

I have asked myself this question for weeks upon weeks. I have received little revelation. Actually, I know several things I am afraid of, but I fear there is no resolution to these fears. I am terrified that the chaos my heart feels is permanent. The constant resistance to anything I cannot understand. I am afraid that I am going to wear my friends out with my neediness. In the current, I control my level of leaking neediness. But what happens when I erupt? Or can I keep controlling it?

I need a constant. A tangible constant. Someone to consistently reassure my altered self. Someone to remind me to breathe when it feels impossible. Someone who sees through the lies I tell them and myself. Someone who won't leave when it all becomes too much. And then I realize how selfish it sounds to want or expect such a someone. To realize that I am not all there is in this world. To remember that I am one of seven billion people on this earth. Who am I to need anything from anyone at all? To remember that I am twenty-three years old. Though at times I feel like a six year old.

What do I choose to believe? That I am worth filling those needs? Or that I am self-absorbed? What do I have a right to need? Am I childish for wanting these things? Do these needs define me as ignorant and weak as I feel because of them? What if they aren't dumb needs? Who is supposed to fill them?

I am afraid because not only might this be too much for you, it's too much for me, too. My inability to understand myself makes it impossible for you to understand me. My lack of self-acceptance makes it impossible for you to accept me wherever I am. I want you so desperately to love me where I am, but I will reject your every attempt to do so because in truth, I am disgusted with who I am. I am not good. But, you would never see that. You see what I want you to see.

This is all too messy and too frightening and I am exhausted. I walk in a land where insomnia rules and my facade is perfected. Where emotions are questioned and beliefs are created on shaky foundations. My heart kind of aches. And, I want to run away from myself; start afresh, start anew, have a redo. Am I truly going to live through? Are you going to make it, too?

I just don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want to be safe.