Monday, April 15, 2013

Chocolate Love

"No matter how wonderful a taste of relational fullness you have, you will want 

more... Eve is a  bottomless well of longing.  Jesus alone is the never-ending fount, 

which can slake her thirst.  No other source, no other relationship will fully satisfy.  

God made us that way.  On purpose." 

-John & Stasi Eldredge, Captivating

Chocolate Love

Imagine that you had never tasted chocolate before.  Imagine that you did not even know it existed.  And then one day, someone said, "Hey! Would you like some chocolate?!" I would think that you may at first be hesitant to try something that you had never tasted before, let alone even heard of!  Cautiously, you put out the palm of your hand and receive a piece of chocolate.  You may ask, "What does it taste like?"  Your friend says, "Just trust's delicious."

Still not convinced, you place the piece of chocolate into your mouth.  Now, (if you're like me), you supernaturally begin to hear the angels singing the Hallelujah chorus, a NASCAR stadium cheering loudly, a July 4th fireworks show, and behold, your tongue was just introduced to the outer realm of heaven.  Once you tasted it once, you could potentially binge on it.  (especially dark chocolate! nom nom...)

I've been talking a lot about relationships lately.  And, well, here I go again.  I can't help it.  God is doing something and I want you to know about it.

I love the family God gave me to.  They're wild and funny.  They are farmers, four wheel riders, cinnamon roll makers, board game players, and fall harvest party extraordinaires.  They're close knit and rely heavily upon each other for help in child-rearing, chicken-butchering, and cutting wood for winter.  And like most families, they. are. dysfunctional.  They also have no sense of what healthy boundaries are.

My mom and I fought literally almost every day of my time at home.  (not exaggerating)  Hating each other was just what we knew.  My dad worked 60-70+ hours a week.  It was his way of avoiding the domestic chaos.  My heart learned to hide.  Hiding kept me safe.  (or so I thought...)  After all, no one can trample a heart, (or love it), that has coated itself in concrete walls with barbed wire coiled on top.

As my process in counseling continues, I've learned how to chip at that concrete and expose my heart very carefully and slowly to safe people in my life.  

However, this part of it makes me feel extremely needy.  Just like someone who has tasted chocolate for the first time, my heart senses safe, sees healthy, and feels cherished for the first time in a long time.  And once you've had good chocolate, you want more...and more...and more.  Praise God for loving me enough to place additional family, healthy people in my life who are cautious and tender with my heart.  I feel like I should be careful.  Don't eat too much, Kayla...they're not going anywhere.

Like most female humans, I often feel that my heart is seriously waaaay too much to handle.  Shoot, it's too much for ME to handle, let alone for someone else!  Just like John & Stasi write in the quote above, we are "bottomless wells of longing"...and only Jesus is going to ever fully fill us.  He made us this way because He is the one who wants that place in our life.

Currently, I'm navigating... navigating this seemingly increasing neediness, my worth, my place in this city, my future, and growing with Jesus. What part of me does Jesus fill?  What part of me do people fill?  Every time I feel like I get a little closer to figuring out who I am, I quickly find myself reevaluating it.

Anyone else relate to this stuff, or am I confusingly rambling?

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