Today at North Point Church, they began a series entitled "Once Upon A Time". I saw it last night on their Facebook page and I really had a tugging toward it, so I obeyed and went. Pastor Jeremy talked about relationships that can be toxic in our lives (maybe you're the toxic one...) and how to handle them in a Godly and biblical way. He spoke on the parable of the prodigal son.
I'd like to share with you some of the points that Pastor Jeremy gave us:
"A toxic person is not someone who annoys you, it is someone who hurts you."
1. Accept my limitations. I am NOT God! I cannot control others' choices! I am ONLY responsible for me. Do not let your life be guilted or controlled by others.
Some people talk about "loving" their toxic person and many times "loving" them means letting go. Pastor Jeremy said, "If you hug a porcupine, you are going to become a pin cushion."
2. Eliminate all bitterness. Forgive.
Forgiveness has 2 phases:
1) Forgiveness of the offense to God.
2) Forgiveness to the person requesting it.
**NEVER offer forgiveness to the person who doesn't ask for it.***
^Your forgiveness of the offense is first and foremost given to God, so the offender does not need to ask for your forgiveness for you to be healed from the offense.
3. Establish clear boundaries. If you can't change their actions, change your reactions! Stop letting people hurt you. STICK TO YOUR BOUNDARIES! They will be tested by the toxic person. Toxic people flip out when boundaries are installed. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated.
4. Allow boundaries to create brokenness. The person who is toxic may call you unspiritual because of your boundaries, but boundaries can be the MOST spiritual thing that you do for a toxic person and yourself.
5. Be quick to forgive. It is impossible to dish out more forgiveness than you've received. The goal of establishing boundaries is to bring reconciliation.
The prodigal son's father set boundaries with him, out of love. He allowed his son to leave and he gave him his inheritance. And his son left. But the father did not give up on him. He waited and he watched and when he saw him returning from afar, he ran up to meet him and greet him and clothe him and feed him. The son was broken over his choices, and it drove him to return to his father.
Right now, I have very strict boundaries set with my family and relatives. And they have their opinions on my boundaries for sure. They feel as if I am withdrawing, removing, separating, and distancing myself from them. (This is actually true.) They believe I am doing it because I hate them. (This is not true.) But, after many years, I began to see the cycle of abuse. I refuse to be hurt by them any longer. My heart is my responsibility to guard. And, I am capable of turning away from harmful things. I am capable to turn away from it because regardless of their choices to change in the future, I am going to be okay without them.
Being free from toxic relationships allows healthy relationships to form in your life. For months and months, I prayed that God would bring a father and mother into my life. The kind who are willing to let me be their child and encourage my strengths and help me with my weaknesses. The kind who understand boundaries and help me build my own. Parents who long to hear about my day and what I envision for my future. The kind who confront me when I'm doing something wrong and can point me in a better way. Parents who don't quit being parents. Parents who want me to be with them because they enjoy me. Parents who like hugs and laughing and talking.
God has answered this in a beautiful way, and I am so thankful. I love my mom and dad, and I pray that one day reconciliation happens. But until then, I'm not going to wait to be their kid when other people are asking to be my parents. Because I need a mom and dad. Everyone does.
Thank you, God for toxic relationships. They show me how beautiful healthy ones are.
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