Life

I'm at my Aunt's house, so if my post randomly stops it is because I had to go home and I'll finish it later.

I quit my job. Ya, the one I had for four years. It became too much. Well, that's what I thought, but what I think is really true is this: I am out of my mind. I mean, I have known that I've been struggling and all lately, but ya know, I had no idea that depression might seriously be what has been going on with me. I had been denying it I think. I mean, I began to see the trend in my going to bed super super late (like 3 a.m.) and then the everyday sleeping until 1:30 pm or later. That is just completely not me and when I get up it's like it takes every bit of energy to stay awake. Today I slept until 2:30 in the afternoon. I mean, What on EaRtH is happening to me?

I'm going to make a better commitment to Christ. Because I know that has to happen. But it's so hard. No lie. I need a vacation. I also know that vacationing for a little while isn't going to help me because I thought quitting work would help and now I realize that working is what kept me going. I don't even really know why I'm so depressed. I mean, maybe God is just telling me to get up and begin to move on. I mean, really I just don't know.

If anyone is reading this, please pray for my parents. They're really struggling financially. It's sad. And I hate it that I can't help them out.

Goodbye for now.

a rough one

Ugh man...
I have had a rough rough day. First of all, there has been so much crap going on at work lately and I just got really sick of it. So I decided to quit, now that I have acquired enough money to pay for my apartment payments. I'm tired of it and I do not have to put up with it now that I have the loan and stuff coming through. I just really want to give up right now, no lie. I'm tired. I feel like I've just been run through the ringer. Maybe it's because I need a break.
Well, after I told my boss that I needed to go ahead and finish out this coming week and then be done, I came back home and got raked over the coals about my decision from my surrounding family members. I blew up and didn't handle the situation the way I needed to.

I'll be honest with you, there's a part of me that absolutely cannot imagine life without God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. But there's another part of me that feels like He can totally do without me. I know that we should base things off of our own convictions. And ya know, regarding the rapture and all and standing ready... well, I just don't know about myself. I feel like I have good intent, but I fail at almost every single thing I do. It's discouraging.

I feel depressed, crazy, and stressed. And I just don't know anymore.

Maybe I'm freakin Bipolar.
Goodnight.

Just to please Him?

It's been like 2 months since I put anything up here. Funny, last post I was completing my last final and today is the 5 week marker for when I move into my apt and start my third semester of college, the first one in nursing. Scary but oh so ready!!! I am ready to get back into my church. I call it my church, but really, it's not yet. I wish I knew more people there. It seems like every other church in that sense. The clicks, and yet again, another church with no college class. hmmm... I feel like I do know and am ahead of some others when it comes to the Word of God. I probably get that from my Daddy. He's really good at interpreting and breaking down the Bible. Not that I know even an eighth of what he does, but really, I don't think anyone else understands the Bible like he does. I'm proud of him. I also really love my mom. We really don't get along very well, but there are reasons for that, both my own and hers. Really, if you think about it, most families wouldn't stick together after being through what ours has. I mean, really.

Anyway, on to a new subject.

"Just to please Him"
Seriously, my life is not lived like that. I named this blog that after wanting with everything I was to just please my Savior. I just want to be someone He looks down at and smiles, but ya know, I sin a whole lot. Does everyone? Sure... but somehow the way my sin separates me from God hurts. Now, I know that technically God doesn't see our sin, because He looks THROUGH Jesus. However, I know Jesus sees what I've done. What's hilarious about this is that I act as though this particular sin I know about and me only. I just talked to a friend the other night and finally confessed it to her. Turns out she's going through the same thing. Can two people going through the same sin and situation really help each other out? Can they hold each other accountable? Can they Please Him? No, not at all. We each need help individually. That would require me telling someone else about this disgusting sin. Will I do it? ...Idk...

Lord Jesus,
I have shamed You. I still shame you. I'm sorry, but ya know, I can't promise I won't do it again. I can't. I would probably be lying. I love you, but I can't please you. I can't make you proud of me. And I'm sorry.

Kayla