In Search of the Spirit's Truth

Disclaimer: If you don't believe, this is going to be a weird read. To be honest, I still find it pretty weird.

I'm sure there are times in your life where you just feel stuck in time. Everyone and everything around you continues to function in what society deems normal. But, somehow, you are caught in a standstill. I can't figure out if things are moving really fast or super slow, but I know I'm not viewing time the same way most people are right now.

Let me take you on a little journey of what has been floating through my mind lately. The first thing I will discuss is the understanding of my desperate need for the Holy Spirit to be active in my life. Whoa! Did I just say that? It's been a really long couple of months when I think about trying to understand exactly what the Holy Spirit even IS, it's function, it's role in my life.... (whether or not I should even call it an it? Though some more specific things are still left unanswered, I know I need it.

I can't remember a time when I wasn't loving God. I can remember times as a child where everything was falling down around my family's life, but God was there in my heart and held my hand through everything. Sure, I went through some anger and hurt and felt God was to blame, but in my heart of hearts I knew He was my only source of refuge, and I ran into it. Some people have a story. One where they can sincerely point to a specific date of a complete heart change and the weight of sin lifted from their shoulders, and it drew them closer to the Lord. But, I, on the other hand, cannot remember such a time.

Lately, I have compared my longing for the Spirit's filling to that of an unsaved person's longing for freedom in Christ. Somehow it just draws you in. I began seeking and searching the Word of God and books about the Holy Spirit in search of the truth. Inwardly, I confess that I first began to seek out of reason to disprove the most popular A/G opinion and doctrine about the Spirit. But, with an open mind and no one forcing me one way, I came to pretty much the same conclusion about it as A/G has. I will not reject truth.

I have not, (like A/G likes to put it), been filled with the Holy Spirit. But, I know that I know that I know that it is drawing me. Beckoning me. Asking for full rein... But something deep inside of me stops it.

This is all for now! It's time for church!!