Today is the day I finished my last nursing school exam to officially deem me an RN. Is that even believable? God has been SO good. I remember sitting in Anatomy and Physiology II and it was one of those moments when the Spirit overwhelms your heart and you quickly grab a piece of paper to write down what gets laid on your heart. I wrote, "Kayla, if you will trust my leading, I will take you through nursing school. Do not fear; I will be with you every day." -God
I've been wanting to blog about something specific for over a week now, but I haven't had the time, nor the energy to put into it as I have wanted.
Sometimes, as humans, we really screw up. And, by that, I mean, I really screw up. There are people in my life that I harbor such bitterness and anger toward because of the past, that I have difficulty even looking them in the eye. There are actions that I've made that have honestly affected the safety of those around me. Decisions that have had significant effect on my heart. And, sins that have separated me from drawing closer with the Lord. Now, that I've established that you sin and I sin, let me continue.
A couple weeks ago, I made a decision. A bad decision, but a fun one. The aftermath of that decision left me more convicted, in more agony, and the most anxiety-ridden I have ever been in my life. My entire life could have been altered because of the consequence of my decision. I had done a bad thing, and it was a sin. And I ran. I ran away from the convictions of the Holy Spirit. I ignored the leading of the Lord. I refused to run back into His presence.
You know what I did next? I didn't pray, but I spent significant time in the Bible. I read "Forgotten God" in which I am learning about the Holy Spirit. But I couldn't bring myself to pray to God. Praying is too intimate. I can't hide my true heart very well in prayer. Reading, sure... I don't have to own up to what I did. Praying--all about confrontation. I spoke well to other people. I encouraged and uplifted others in the name of the Lord. But I didn't let the Spirit penetrate any part of my heart. But, man oh man, was I broken. Broken because I knew I had grieved my Father. I was still just too frightened about simply praying.
Then I read a section in Forgotten God by Francis Chan. He discussed how he would mess up, and spend time trying to get 'back on God's good side.' Trying to prove that he could in fact, be a good christian. He was doing it all on his own. How he was describing it was exactly what was going through my head for the entire week I had been carrying this intense load on my heart. It was then that I realized God was saying to me, "I already know you can't do this alone. That's why I'm here to help you. This is the whole reason I sent my Holy Spirit to you. Now, please, just talk to Me. Tell Me what is going on. I will hear you. I will not abandon you. I SO love you." It helped me see that when I mess up, God already saw it happen. He watched me act in the flesh before it ever happened. He doesn't hate me, think less of me, or take back His promises. He says, "Kayla, I'm sorry that happened, and I'm broken that you chose to act like that, but I still love you. Let's work through this." Knowing that this is how he responds makes me realize and experience His grace in a whole other dimension.
Please let this encourage you, too. If you've done something, maybe something that you're shameful of, regret, or wish you won't do again, just understand that God knows about it, and He knew about it, but He still really does love you. For me, my friend kept telling me, "God still loves you.." But I couldn't feel it, therefore I didn't deeply believe it. She told me that some things, you just have to believe first. And, to stop basing my beliefs on my feelings.
Anyway, I feel like this still didn't come out the way I wanted it to, but maybe it will help someone. The power of testimony.. :)
Love,
Kayla
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