Wow, what a week this has been! Such a time of change and development. I've grown up a little bit more in these past few ways. I'm 20 years old... kinda have been for a while, and it's time to face the fact that I really am growing up. I mean, I've always wanted a professional life. I want to be that person that others look to for answers, and I want to be a role model. A Godly role model. One that no matter what I do in my life, others will see that I am mature in Christ, mature in mind... God has blessed me this year perhaps moreso than in any other year of my life. And, His blessings continue to be poured out upon me. Why? Because He loves me.
I've never been very comfortable with hugs and kisses. (Unless they're from grandparents...) :-) And, I'm not a 'flirter' or one known to do any chasing boys. I've never quite understood guys my own age. And, I don't know of any single man at this moment that I would come close to dating. My view of men in general hasn't always been very healthy. I realized that this past year when my roommate and I were talking. I spilled how I really feel about men in general. Here are a few adjectives I usually use (remember it's a general feeling...not anybody in particular): hardworking, cowardly, and selfish. And, although I need to work with those feelings, these past few months I have been surrounded by people that don't show their selfish love. They have been showing Christ's love. There's a very real difference.
Christ's love cares. Genuinely cares about where you're headed. It invests in who you are as a being. It shows you how much God loves you. I've learned a LOT about myself, others, service, leadership, and more. But, one that sticks out to me more than anything else is how much God loves me. He loves me, no strings attached. He loves me way more than any earthly man could. He is my guide through the Bible, prayer, dreams, and other people. Because of God's love, I look at myself differently. I never thought I was worthy of such high devotion. Rephrase: I never thought anyone could be devoted to me the way I was devoted to God and that no one could ever lead me like I needed to be lead in Christ. And, why even expect something like that from a man. But then I realized that God is way more devoted to me than I could ever be to Him, and who better to lead me than Himself? And, if anything, God wants that man for me, too. COOL!
I'll leave you with a quote from a book I read this summer that helped create this view of knocking out fears. It says something like this, "God wants you to get where God wants you to go way more than you want to get where God wants you to go." And, He wants me to be happy.
So, eat that devil.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Just a Prayer...
Hey God,
I'm finding it increasingly difficult to scrounge myself out of bed in the morning. Must get on a better sleeping regimen before school starts. So many things are floating in and out of my small brain. So many things need deep thought, and serious prayer time with You. I find myself just ignoring them because I don't want to go through the frustration of possibly making the wrong decision and causing turmoil in the end. God, please grant me the wisdom to take care of all of these things. Give me a heart that can understand other's opinions, but the strength to stand firm in what You have spoken into me. Keep Your hand on my emotions, as they need Your controlling. Walk with me through all that is ahead. Give me patience, God. Your patience.
God, I read today again that You have given us a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. Not one of timidity. I pray moreso that if there is timidity inside of my life, that you gently continue to replace it with more of the three. I believe You will/are doing this. Thank you and I praise You for it.
Father, I pray for this back pain I've been in for over a week now. I'm not sure what I did to it, but I do know it's causing me a lot of pain I could live without. Please place Your hand in the situation and heal what is all jumbled up back there! I know You can, as You are the ultimate physician. Thank You for being a great doctor!
Lord, I pray for all of my friends, and those who have supported me over the past several months. If they've recently experienced the loss of a loved one, I pray that you comfort them, and show them a peace that surpasses all understanding, and that you give them strength to continue with life. If they or someone they know is facing an illness, I pray healing into that situation. God, YOU HEAL. I've seen it over and over, and I pray that you stop cancer cells from splitting, and that You restore function to body parts that have lost it, and I pray that you bind Satan from attacking minds with depression and anxiety, as this is not from You. More than all, I pray a blessing upon each one of their lives, their children's lives, their relatives lives, their marriages, their workplace, and more. I thank You. I know that You bless those who bless others!
God, as I get up and start my day, give me patience. Today, I want to radiate the same kind of patience You have. I want to shine You today through specifically patience.
In Your Name I Pray,
Amen y Amen
I'm finding it increasingly difficult to scrounge myself out of bed in the morning. Must get on a better sleeping regimen before school starts. So many things are floating in and out of my small brain. So many things need deep thought, and serious prayer time with You. I find myself just ignoring them because I don't want to go through the frustration of possibly making the wrong decision and causing turmoil in the end. God, please grant me the wisdom to take care of all of these things. Give me a heart that can understand other's opinions, but the strength to stand firm in what You have spoken into me. Keep Your hand on my emotions, as they need Your controlling. Walk with me through all that is ahead. Give me patience, God. Your patience.
God, I read today again that You have given us a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. Not one of timidity. I pray moreso that if there is timidity inside of my life, that you gently continue to replace it with more of the three. I believe You will/are doing this. Thank you and I praise You for it.
Father, I pray for this back pain I've been in for over a week now. I'm not sure what I did to it, but I do know it's causing me a lot of pain I could live without. Please place Your hand in the situation and heal what is all jumbled up back there! I know You can, as You are the ultimate physician. Thank You for being a great doctor!
Lord, I pray for all of my friends, and those who have supported me over the past several months. If they've recently experienced the loss of a loved one, I pray that you comfort them, and show them a peace that surpasses all understanding, and that you give them strength to continue with life. If they or someone they know is facing an illness, I pray healing into that situation. God, YOU HEAL. I've seen it over and over, and I pray that you stop cancer cells from splitting, and that You restore function to body parts that have lost it, and I pray that you bind Satan from attacking minds with depression and anxiety, as this is not from You. More than all, I pray a blessing upon each one of their lives, their children's lives, their relatives lives, their marriages, their workplace, and more. I thank You. I know that You bless those who bless others!
God, as I get up and start my day, give me patience. Today, I want to radiate the same kind of patience You have. I want to shine You today through specifically patience.
In Your Name I Pray,
Amen y Amen
Friday, August 7, 2009
Opportunities
There were so many opportunities set before me that I got to think about while being away this summer. Leadership opportunities at Realife, a sizable clientel of people to babysit for, a job at a reputable Christian book store, working with administration of JamesRiver, and others. I told just about all of them that I was going to have to pray about all of these. Obviously, with school, I can't do all of them. It would be a lot of haphazardness going on because I wouldn't be able to fully dedicate to any one of them. So, I prayed and sought God most earnestly regarding one particular opportunity. One that would be fun, challenging, growing, and it would add a bit to my schedule.
Toward the end of the trip, I was becoming a tad concerned with the fact that I hadn't really heard from God regarding this opportunity. So, I sat down on my bed with my Bible, prayed, and began to read. As I read, I begged God to work on my heart, and help me solve my dilemma. Before I even left for the trip, I was feeling a bit hesitant about the opportunity. But, it deserved a ton of prayer before making any decisions. And, to be quite honest, I still haven't made a decision. But I read this:
Toward the end of the trip, I was becoming a tad concerned with the fact that I hadn't really heard from God regarding this opportunity. So, I sat down on my bed with my Bible, prayed, and began to read. As I read, I begged God to work on my heart, and help me solve my dilemma. Before I even left for the trip, I was feeling a bit hesitant about the opportunity. But, it deserved a ton of prayer before making any decisions. And, to be quite honest, I still haven't made a decision. But I read this:
"Everything is permissible"- but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"- but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.
1 Corinthians 10:23-24
Now, for you theologians, I understand this doesn't exactly fit in the correct context of what I am dealing with, but at the same time it kinda does. Like, this opportunity doesn't lay an obvious disclaimer such as "Sin or not sin" because then it would be easy to choose what to do. This verse helped clarify a few thoughts. 1. It IS a permissible thing. 2. It may/may not be beneficial to them/me. 3. I truly do want to seek what is best for them.
Join me in praying regarding this.
Second thing of the day, I can't help but continue to think about Carmen. The lady I wrote about a bit ago while I was in El Salvador. God only knows how much I want to go back there. And, if I allow myself to really dwell and think about it, I grow so sad. I kind of feel like I abandoned them. There's so much more I would want to do with the people we worked with. I want to pray for them. Like physically lay hands on them, and cry out to God pleading their case. I pray for them throughout the day while I'm here, but it just isn't the same. I'm not sure why Carmen continues to come to my mind, but so many lessons were learned by her example.
Here are a few thoughts that come to mind when I hear the name Carmen:
1. selfless
Second thing of the day, I can't help but continue to think about Carmen. The lady I wrote about a bit ago while I was in El Salvador. God only knows how much I want to go back there. And, if I allow myself to really dwell and think about it, I grow so sad. I kind of feel like I abandoned them. There's so much more I would want to do with the people we worked with. I want to pray for them. Like physically lay hands on them, and cry out to God pleading their case. I pray for them throughout the day while I'm here, but it just isn't the same. I'm not sure why Carmen continues to come to my mind, but so many lessons were learned by her example.
Here are a few thoughts that come to mind when I hear the name Carmen:
1. selfless
2. in pain
3. uninformed about medication she is on
4. worth far more than rubies
5. so alive
I could go on, but I won't. She is still so fresh and vivid in my memory even though it has been over two weeks since meeting her. Will the people who read this please say a prayer for her. That her body would be healed and strengthened as she strives to care for her 50+ year old son. That as the seasons begin to change in El Salvador, she would be taken care of. That someone knowledgeable would take control of the medication issue.
Here's a photo of this Carmen. My sister in Jesus. I can't ask you enough. Please pray for her and her son.
Here's a photo of this Carmen. My sister in Jesus. I can't ask you enough. Please pray for her and her son.
When I look at this picture, all those opportunities I'm in the process of having to sort through...they don't matter. I don't want any of them. I just want to be with her and her people. I know that isn't reality, and I will face the things that await me here...
...i really don't want to, though.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Realization
So, it's the fifth of August, and it's the very beginning of the day. It's 12:15 am. It will never again be August 5, 2009. Why I am not sleeping at this absurd hour of the morning, I will not know. Actually, I think it has something to do with the medicine I am taking. It says it causes dizziness and drowsiness (which it definitely does) but it also contributes to insomnia which I have anyway. :) Not really. . . But, it is more difficult to sleep on this stuff.
Anyway, I am not blogging to discuss pharmacology. I am blogging to talk to you about what God has done in my heart the past few hours. As I was going through boxes, (and unpacking into my new room in a new town in a new house), I was praying and worshipping and asking God to speak to me. Throughout the evening, I have just had this anxious feeling. One that I have often before some mindful breakthrough occurs. I was listening to Hillsongs..."Lead Me To the Cross" specifically, and these thoughts crossed my mind:
There's so much more to Me than Hillsongs, and James River. I am so much bigger than both of them. I want you to know Me more than that. I am not only attracted to how they worship and love me. I love how you worship and love me. Don't put me in that box.
I've been trying to sort through a lot of thoughts lately. Current thoughts and upcoming decisions don't just affect me, now. They affect those around me. They affect those who I've sort of committed myself to. And, quite frankly, it kinda stinks. I wish I was the only one I affected. Selfish, I realize... but you've probably felt the same way before.
God, as I try to sort through all of the craziness in my head, I know You know the outcome. Thank You for loving me, Lord. Thank You for Your hand of favor on my life. Thank You over and over again for being my God. "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." I know You love me. I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. I know You know the outcome of all my crazy thoughts. I know You have the answers. And, I know You want me where You want me way more than I want me where You want me. I trust You, Lord. I trust You with everything I am, and with everything I have. One second with You is way more meaningful than my entire life ever could be without You. Please know I love You. Please know... Allow me the privilege of showing others who You are and what You are all about, Jesus. Sort through my heart's desires, and pull what is not of You. Give me clarity, wisdom, and guidance. Be my guide, Holy Spirit. Provide divine appointments. Keep my heart, Jesus.
xoxo
Kayla
Anyway, I am not blogging to discuss pharmacology. I am blogging to talk to you about what God has done in my heart the past few hours. As I was going through boxes, (and unpacking into my new room in a new town in a new house), I was praying and worshipping and asking God to speak to me. Throughout the evening, I have just had this anxious feeling. One that I have often before some mindful breakthrough occurs. I was listening to Hillsongs..."Lead Me To the Cross" specifically, and these thoughts crossed my mind:
There's so much more to Me than Hillsongs, and James River. I am so much bigger than both of them. I want you to know Me more than that. I am not only attracted to how they worship and love me. I love how you worship and love me. Don't put me in that box.
I've been trying to sort through a lot of thoughts lately. Current thoughts and upcoming decisions don't just affect me, now. They affect those around me. They affect those who I've sort of committed myself to. And, quite frankly, it kinda stinks. I wish I was the only one I affected. Selfish, I realize... but you've probably felt the same way before.
God, as I try to sort through all of the craziness in my head, I know You know the outcome. Thank You for loving me, Lord. Thank You for Your hand of favor on my life. Thank You over and over again for being my God. "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." I know You love me. I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. I know You know the outcome of all my crazy thoughts. I know You have the answers. And, I know You want me where You want me way more than I want me where You want me. I trust You, Lord. I trust You with everything I am, and with everything I have. One second with You is way more meaningful than my entire life ever could be without You. Please know I love You. Please know... Allow me the privilege of showing others who You are and what You are all about, Jesus. Sort through my heart's desires, and pull what is not of You. Give me clarity, wisdom, and guidance. Be my guide, Holy Spirit. Provide divine appointments. Keep my heart, Jesus.
xoxo
Kayla
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
It's been a whole 7 days...
...since being in another country! It's been one heck of a week. Adjusting to hot showers, US food, toilet paper, schedules, and my own bed has been awkward and rather difficult. I knew it would be different, but I never really thought it would be this hard.
I think one of the things that I am finding most difficult is the busy-ness of our society. I'm not frustrated at the wait in lines, or the many cars in the drive-thru. I don't get angry if someone doesn't understand what it is I'm saying, and I'm finding that more and more people aren't as interested in "how they do it in El Salvador is. . ." news. I have my own cell phone, on which I receive many texts and phone calls...which sometimes I'd prefer I didn't receive. :-) And, I'm less motivated to get up and go.
Life is a Mission's trip, and just because I'm not in El Salvador doesn't mean I don't do 24/7 ministry. So, encourage me to live here as I did there. It was simple, and not full of meaningless tasks. I didn't care if my clothes were wrinkled, and if my makeup looked perfect, or if my hair was frizzed. Not saying I want to look like a slob, but I also do not want to fit/conform back into my culture here. I don't.
I have a lot more thoughts running through my head, but I'm just ready to spend some much needed time with Jesus. So, goodbye technology for awhile, and hello simplicity.
-xoxo Kayla
I think one of the things that I am finding most difficult is the busy-ness of our society. I'm not frustrated at the wait in lines, or the many cars in the drive-thru. I don't get angry if someone doesn't understand what it is I'm saying, and I'm finding that more and more people aren't as interested in "how they do it in El Salvador is. . ." news. I have my own cell phone, on which I receive many texts and phone calls...which sometimes I'd prefer I didn't receive. :-) And, I'm less motivated to get up and go.
Life is a Mission's trip, and just because I'm not in El Salvador doesn't mean I don't do 24/7 ministry. So, encourage me to live here as I did there. It was simple, and not full of meaningless tasks. I didn't care if my clothes were wrinkled, and if my makeup looked perfect, or if my hair was frizzed. Not saying I want to look like a slob, but I also do not want to fit/conform back into my culture here. I don't.
I have a lot more thoughts running through my head, but I'm just ready to spend some much needed time with Jesus. So, goodbye technology for awhile, and hello simplicity.
-xoxo Kayla
Sunday, August 2, 2009
I'm only beginning. . .
. . . this journey that God has called me to.
I'm back in the United States. I think now more than ever I understand the verse in the Bible that talks about how we are only alien's in this land. We don't belong here. Our life is a mission's trip. Not a summer of our life, or a 'season' of our life. "Life is a missions trip," says Matt, "again, life is a missions trip." My time in EL SALVADOR was one filled with compassion. It seemed the more love I poured out, the more I received. Our God is funny like that. The more we give, the more we receive. I sometimes feel like saying, "It's enough! I don't deserve all of this, God." But, He just wants to show how much He loves me.
Leaving my new family was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life. I'm not understating that. It was seriously that hard. I cried for 45 minutes after I pulled away. Needed to pull over, even. I thought about all that I was leaving. Encouragement, Devotion, Love, Hardwork, Intensity, and Discipline. I didn't know how I was going to function without being surrounded by such Godliness.
When I woke up on Friday morning, I was still heartbroken. I missed walking in and seeing Jill's lovely face welcoming me with a fresh hot pot of coffee. And, Morgan's "Good morning, Kayla!" and Kelly's, "Hello, beautiful!"... Seriously, who wouldn't miss that? I felt rather lost. Like, I'm home, but my heart is broken in 12 separate pieces and spread all across the United States. I know this sounds exaggerated, but it's the truth! I missed them so much, I left the house early and spent the entire afternoon at the intern house where we have lived for the summer. I visited with Shannon and shared more stories, and laughter. Then, it was time to leave again. I got back to the house late, and went to bed but found I just couldn't sleep. I woke up on Saturday, and again felt so lost, and realized it was moving day. I mosied out of bed, drove to springfield, and packed up the UHAUL trailer my family brought up.
On the day of moving, I was met with a loving hug and welcome home, and it was cool. But, with moving, family, and different personalities, I found myself wishing to just crawl back into a hole and spend time with God. Only God. Tempers flared, and words were shared that were just hurtful. After spending 6 weeks filled with NO complaining, very little anger, and all encouragement and words that lifted up, it was hard to even hear stuff like that. I listened to gossip, anger toward others, and mindsets that are so. . .different from my own. It was really disheartening.
I am so loved. I am very very blessed. I am loved. My family does a lot for me. My grandparents (both sets) have given up so much in order to give me the things that make me comfortable. My parents do everything they can to help me out in many areas. And, it's probably simply an attack from the enemy that makes me feel so separate from them. But, it could just be that I'm growing up, developing into my own person, and figuring out who I am. Not just who I am as a person, but who I am in Christ. I have the same responsibilities to do what Christ did on this earth while He was here. And, I have the Holy Spirit to help me accomplish that.
Many things are in my future. Good, bad, encouraging, discouraging, uplifting, and not so uplifting, and they are all things I am looking forward to. I can only imagine what this next year will bring. I pray daily that God's hand of favor be upon my life, and my future. And, I give myself wholly to Him every day I wake up. I also pray for divine appointments to be made, and that I am tender hearted enough to see them and interact in them. Will you join me in this?
I realize everyone will be waiting on an update of what happened on this trip, and I can't wait to give you all one. I'm going to be creating a newsletter, that will include a photo and an explanation of what my sponsors and prayer partners took to the children, their parents, and others in El Salvador!
xoxo
Kayla
I'm back in the United States. I think now more than ever I understand the verse in the Bible that talks about how we are only alien's in this land. We don't belong here. Our life is a mission's trip. Not a summer of our life, or a 'season' of our life. "Life is a missions trip," says Matt, "again, life is a missions trip." My time in EL SALVADOR was one filled with compassion. It seemed the more love I poured out, the more I received. Our God is funny like that. The more we give, the more we receive. I sometimes feel like saying, "It's enough! I don't deserve all of this, God." But, He just wants to show how much He loves me.
Leaving my new family was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life. I'm not understating that. It was seriously that hard. I cried for 45 minutes after I pulled away. Needed to pull over, even. I thought about all that I was leaving. Encouragement, Devotion, Love, Hardwork, Intensity, and Discipline. I didn't know how I was going to function without being surrounded by such Godliness.
When I woke up on Friday morning, I was still heartbroken. I missed walking in and seeing Jill's lovely face welcoming me with a fresh hot pot of coffee. And, Morgan's "Good morning, Kayla!" and Kelly's, "Hello, beautiful!"... Seriously, who wouldn't miss that? I felt rather lost. Like, I'm home, but my heart is broken in 12 separate pieces and spread all across the United States. I know this sounds exaggerated, but it's the truth! I missed them so much, I left the house early and spent the entire afternoon at the intern house where we have lived for the summer. I visited with Shannon and shared more stories, and laughter. Then, it was time to leave again. I got back to the house late, and went to bed but found I just couldn't sleep. I woke up on Saturday, and again felt so lost, and realized it was moving day. I mosied out of bed, drove to springfield, and packed up the UHAUL trailer my family brought up.
On the day of moving, I was met with a loving hug and welcome home, and it was cool. But, with moving, family, and different personalities, I found myself wishing to just crawl back into a hole and spend time with God. Only God. Tempers flared, and words were shared that were just hurtful. After spending 6 weeks filled with NO complaining, very little anger, and all encouragement and words that lifted up, it was hard to even hear stuff like that. I listened to gossip, anger toward others, and mindsets that are so. . .different from my own. It was really disheartening.
I am so loved. I am very very blessed. I am loved. My family does a lot for me. My grandparents (both sets) have given up so much in order to give me the things that make me comfortable. My parents do everything they can to help me out in many areas. And, it's probably simply an attack from the enemy that makes me feel so separate from them. But, it could just be that I'm growing up, developing into my own person, and figuring out who I am. Not just who I am as a person, but who I am in Christ. I have the same responsibilities to do what Christ did on this earth while He was here. And, I have the Holy Spirit to help me accomplish that.
Many things are in my future. Good, bad, encouraging, discouraging, uplifting, and not so uplifting, and they are all things I am looking forward to. I can only imagine what this next year will bring. I pray daily that God's hand of favor be upon my life, and my future. And, I give myself wholly to Him every day I wake up. I also pray for divine appointments to be made, and that I am tender hearted enough to see them and interact in them. Will you join me in this?
I realize everyone will be waiting on an update of what happened on this trip, and I can't wait to give you all one. I'm going to be creating a newsletter, that will include a photo and an explanation of what my sponsors and prayer partners took to the children, their parents, and others in El Salvador!
xoxo
Kayla
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