Realization

So, it's the fifth of August, and it's the very beginning of the day. It's 12:15 am. It will never again be August 5, 2009. Why I am not sleeping at this absurd hour of the morning, I will not know. Actually, I think it has something to do with the medicine I am taking. It says it causes dizziness and drowsiness (which it definitely does) but it also contributes to insomnia which I have anyway. :) Not really. . . But, it is more difficult to sleep on this stuff.

Anyway, I am not blogging to discuss pharmacology. I am blogging to talk to you about what God has done in my heart the past few hours. As I was going through boxes, (and unpacking into my new room in a new town in a new house), I was praying and worshipping and asking God to speak to me. Throughout the evening, I have just had this anxious feeling. One that I have often before some mindful breakthrough occurs. I was listening to Hillsongs..."Lead Me To the Cross" specifically, and these thoughts crossed my mind:

There's so much more to Me than Hillsongs, and James River. I am so much bigger than both of them. I want you to know Me more than that. I am not only attracted to how they worship and love me. I love how you worship and love me. Don't put me in that box.

I've been trying to sort through a lot of thoughts lately. Current thoughts and upcoming decisions don't just affect me, now. They affect those around me. They affect those who I've sort of committed myself to. And, quite frankly, it kinda stinks. I wish I was the only one I affected. Selfish, I realize... but you've probably felt the same way before.

God, as I try to sort through all of the craziness in my head, I know You know the outcome. Thank You for loving me, Lord. Thank You for Your hand of favor on my life. Thank You over and over again for being my God. "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." I know You love me. I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. I know You know the outcome of all my crazy thoughts. I know You have the answers. And, I know You want me where You want me way more than I want me where You want me. I trust You, Lord. I trust You with everything I am, and with everything I have. One second with You is way more meaningful than my entire life ever could be without You. Please know I love You. Please know... Allow me the privilege of showing others who You are and what You are all about, Jesus. Sort through my heart's desires, and pull what is not of You. Give me clarity, wisdom, and guidance. Be my guide, Holy Spirit. Provide divine appointments. Keep my heart, Jesus.


xoxo
Kayla