Today was an emotional roller coaster. I slept about 5 hours last night, woke up and studied some more for my final test in Nursing Interventions (diseases/body systems) in Nursing School. My FINAL. Crazy, huh? Now, I have my nursing practicum left. It consists of a nursing leadership/management class that includes 128 hours of clinical with a preceptor. I feel ready to start making money. Well, I felt pretty good about my test, but I didn't find out until 4 pm today that I did indeed pass it.
Meanwhile, I was scheduled for coffee with a lady I met via Facebook through a mutual friend. She has been a missionary nurse for years, (longer than I've been alive), and I was excited about the get-together so I could possibly form an opinion about what to do next after school lets out. (i.e. pursue more education, work in which area of the hospital, where to seek mission opportunities while waiting...) She definitely gave me a lot to think about, but I left feeling really defeated. Building on that feeling of defeat came thoughts of in-competency, failure, and hopelessness. She assuredly did not instill that into me, but with what we talked about and where I am right now... it just all feels so far away. And everything I hear I take for fact, especially from people who have gone before me. When those 'facts' begin contradicting, it's time for a period of back-up.
I've known for a long time that there is a lot for me to learn, but haven't thought a lot about it because I've been so focused on finishing nursing school. Though, obviously, much training will go down in the future. I don't know exactly what my purpose in the country of Haiti will be, but the fact that God called me there in December, 2008 will never change. Romans 11:29, "for God's gift and His call are irrevocable." And, I strongly believe that in time, the when, how, and what for will come at His appointed time. Until then, I feel God urging me to learn. Expand my knowledge and prepare. To draw near unto Him.
The truth is that no matter how young you are, the Lord will/can use a willing vessel. If you've poured yourself out before Him, He WILL equip you. He WILL empower you. He WILL strengthen you. 1 Timothy 4:12 says, "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." It doesn't say set an example for the believers who are younger than you are. It simply says, believers. ALL believers. I am to set an example for those younger, older, and the same age as I am. Through my speech, my life, my love, my faith, and my purity. That is a pretty extensive list of ways to set examples. Paul states this as a command. It isn't something he asked Timothy to do.
If the Lord has delivered a vision to your soul, or a word to your heart, or a desire for something more, develop it. Please do not let anyone discourage you. Do not allow the devil to begin to make you feel like you are not competent to do the big things God has shown you. Instead, use it as fuel to draw nearer to the Lord. It's times of growth that the devil uses his sneakiest to get inside of your heart and head. I love the following passage.
Proverbs 4:20-27
20 My son, pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.
21 Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
22 for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
24 Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Make levelb]"> paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.
27 Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
And v 25. Just keep looking straight ahead. Dwelling on what has happened will keep your eyes fixed on the past, but better days are ahead of you. Pastor John and James River Church have really adapted the phrase, "The Best is Yet to Come" and this is TRUE. God will continue to expand territory, broaden horizons, increase knowledge, entrust more to you, bless you more... It's amazing to think about.
This blog started off about 30 minutes ago wherein I was feeling really just down in the dumps, but by spending some time meditating on these verses, the Lord is already encouraging me.
Dear Lord, You are a good God. You have gone before me in every single decision I have made lately, and You have been my rear guard. On all angles, I feel protected by You. Thank You for the love you show me. Thank You for surrounding me by people to uplift me in times of weakness. And most of all, thank You that when I am at my weakness, Your strength is shown to be even stronger. Lord, please direct, guide, strengthen, build, renew, console, and just love on us. Jesus, tonight I just want to be loved on. And, I want to love on You. Remind us continually of the plan You have for us on these few short years of eternity. I love you, Lord. Amen
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