automatic expectation

Sometimes thoughts swirl around in my brain and I am unable to actually place the thoughts together to make a distinct point. Tonight, it seems as if one particular thing I have been randomly thinking about, finally formed a sentence. I'm certainly still processing where it came from and what it means and what I am supposed to do with it... Here goes:

At times, it seems that by choosing God, there's an automatic expectation for me to ignore pain and hurt. That because I have chosen to believe in God, I should never be affected by my surroundings.

The truth is that my surroundings are affecting me, thus I choose no God. The past has affected me in ways I haven't even began to uncover. The present is affecting me in ways I feel deeper than ever. And the future impacts... my.every.breath.

I feel guilty. Guilty and somewhat disgusting.

Anyone else ever have thoughts similar to these?