Thirsty in the Desert

You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. -Psalm 63:1-2


Sometimes I don't realize how thirsty I am until I go through the desert. Something about the dry and parched land reminds me how important water is. How much my body craves and needs it. And, I would suggest that we feel thirsty far more often than we feel hungry.


When I'm finished with an intense workout, I don't crave milk or soda or juice. I crave water. Cool water. When I'm busting it out at work staying at times hours in my patient's room, I often become quite thirsty and sometimes I ask a coworker to bring me some water.


However, often when I'm walking through a really dry place in my spiritual life, I forget to ask the Lord for His thirst quenching power. I forget He gives water breaks. I forget that He loves to give good gifts to His children. And sometimes, I even refuse His water. "Oh Lord… Couldn't you have brought me VOSS instead of Aquafina?"


Unfortunately, as I wonder why He isn't helping me, I reflect on all that He has done in times past. Usually, I'm not so focused on the times He has proven His faithfulness to ME, but I often can remember how He has proven faithful to OTHER people that I know.


"Ya know, Lord… You do everything for everyone else! You provided for his mission trip. You paid her electric bill. You gave him back double what he tithed. You brought her husband to her. They're going to have another baby. He went to school for free." The list goes on and on. 

But, "I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory." -Psalm 63:2


I go through these cycles often. Belief and disbelief. Faithful and faithless. Seeking and refusing. Acceptance and rejection. Thirsting and thirst quenched.


David cried out to the Lord and it probably would sound something like this in our modern day, "OH GOD, I AM SO THIRSTY FOR YOU. I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN IN A DESERT WALKING AROUND FOR A LIFETIME WITHOUT WATER. I REMEMBER WHAT YOU CAN DO, OH GOD! OH GOD!"


I mimic this cry, "Oh GOD! I am SO thirsty. I am SO thirsty! I have been walking along this dry, hot, parched desert land and I've found nothing to quench my thirst. I must be thirsty for You, oh God. It has to be true. I remember what You do, what You've done, and what You CAN do. Quench my thirst, Lord."


I have seen Him work in the sanctuary of my life. My heart is His sanctuary. It is where He dwells, and I cannot deny that He resides there. That He has done some very detailed work on my soul and in my spirit. I have beheld His power and His glory in my life and in the lives of those I know. He has proven Himself faithful time and time again. He has shown His unfailing love to me in countless ways and in ways that I may never even know about.


My Lord,


Thank you for this desert. Thank you for reminding me how thirsty I am for you. For revealing that only You can quench that thirst. Thank you for your continued patience with me. Thank you for leading me to water even if I still wander seekingly through the desert. I am thirsty for You. I am longing for You, all of you. God, I have seen you in my sanctuary and I have beheld your power and your glory over and over and over again. You are GOOD. And, I love you. Grow my love for you and help me to see you in everything all of the time!


Amen

The Same God

He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased OUR freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave OUR sins. -Ephesians 1:7


Something that is hard for me to wrap my mind around is that God is the same God for ALL of humankind. In the above verse, Paul states that he purchased "OUR" freedom and forgave "OUR" sins. ALL of us. Wait......everyone? That's hard to believe.


He loves each of His created souls equally and sent His Son to cover each of their individual sins. His grace is just as much for the murderer as it is for the murdered. His love reaches into the depth of the one who hates Him just as far as it does the soul who seeks Him. His mercy is for the abuser as much as for the abused. He fights on behalf of the one who hurt another as much as He fights for the one who was hurt. That's really hard to grasp when you're the one who's been hurt.


This means that the Lord loves the child murderer from Sandy Hook as deeply as He loved the little children who were mercilessly slaughtered. It means He loves and offers forgiveness to those who await their fate on death row for the horrific choices made in time's past. It means that those who hurt me, He loves and offers forgiveness to, just the same as He does me.


Forgiveness, grace and mercy abound and are endless with the Lord. Although justice will be served, it is not ours to serve. Romans 12:19 says, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." I have to decide to let Him be my avenger. To trust that regardless of what comes from exposing hard truth's, that He will be my avenger, that He will be my protector, and that He will indeed be my "rear guard."


Isaiah 58:8 says, "Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your HEALING shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard."


Tonight, as I read friends on Facebook speak about the year 2012 in retrospect, as well as state their goals for 2013, I am reminded of what I learned in 2012. There is nothing and no one that is concrete in this world except the Lord who created it. As far as 2013, I hold no expectations aside from literally walking daily with Him beside me. To trust Him to act on my behalf and to protect me and to surround me with safety and with safe people.


Isaiah 43:18-19a says, "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth..."


Here's to tomorrow; and to the same God today, yesterday, and forever.

it's almost like He's whispering

As the saying goes, "You're your own worst critic."  And, this rings fairly true in my life.  As I've gone through counseling the past several months (wah, wah, wah...), I often find myself irritated at myself because of all I feel I "need"!  Prodding around in wounds of the past can be so difficult!

There are moments when I feel so insecure and so incredibly unsafe.  I feel alone, and in the moments of lonely desperately need to hear, "You're going to be okay." I reach out to friends, I pray, I read my Bible.  There have been times, (often), that with tears dripping off my chin, I am begging God to be real to me. To be near to me.

I recently started a short daily devotional plan off of my Bible app on my iPhone.  It's by John Piper.  The following was quoted in my reading the other day:

Instead of letting me sink into a paralysis of fear, or run to a mirage of greener grass, he has awakened a cry for help and then answered with a concrete promise. -John Piper

What grabbed me initially was, "he has awakened a cry for help".  I remember back in February, when I was convinced God had abandoned me... I remember literally crying multiple times, "God, if you are freakin' real, you gotta fix this shit...you gotta fix me and you better do it soon or I'm going to die."  What John Piper said made me realize that it was God Himself who awakened that cry out of me.

He creates us knowing that all we truly need is Him.  He knew before I did how badly I was in need of Him; so, He made me cry out.  Then, He answered.  In fact, He's answering every single day.  He made me cry out so that He could answer!  It's almost like He's whispering; saying, "I. love. you.  I want you.  I have you.  You're my creation."

Nothing can satisfy the need but that which created the need. -Oswald Chambers

The Lord creates our needs.  He made me "needy".  He designed me for companionship, to be kept secure, to live freely, to be held, to be loved, to be wanted.  Those are not needy things.  Those are "created" things.  But "nothing can satisfy the need but that which created the need".

Aha!  So, I'm not needy after all!  I'm created by the Father to be exactly the way I am and He has great plans to fulfill all of my needs!  I just have to go to Him for it.  To be willing to accept it from Him!

I'm not needy.  I'm created!

praise Him.

fought for

exodus 14:14 "the Lord himself will fight for you. just stay calm."

over the course of the past 22 days, my life (the secretive part) has ceased to continue as it has always. as the darkness has been exposed, the light has shone brightly on it. close friends have refused to let me re-drape it in black, therefore the journey of healing what has been covered began.

because of some events in my childhood, I realized how little I felt "fought for". through hard times at school, with poor teachers and coaches, I most always defended myself. there are things that happened at my school to me that no one knows about, because at the time I just believed I was the only one who would defend myself. and I handled those situations the best I knew how to. and when it came to arguments with my mom, my dad ignored them. pretended that if he didn't approach it, it would all simply go away. so, I fought for myself. I've always fought for myself.

three weeks ago, I couldn't fight anymore. just simply SO tired emotionally and mentally. so I stopped fighting. but the moment I stopped, my friends began fighting for me harder than I have ever fought for myself. friends that see way more in myself than I can at times. and multiple people who have contacted me so randomly (that have had no idea the situation I've found myself in), simply to tell me that they felt the Lord was laying me on their heart to pray for me.

when I realized how little I felt "fought for", I was devastated. it was what brought me to my knees. I didn't have anywhere to turn, so I nose dived downward. and as I look back at the course of the past 3 weeks, I can see how so intricately the Lord is fighting for me. He's battling on my behalf and helping me reach healing in a more whole way than I've ever had it before.

I am so PROUD of myself for making the changes I've made the last three weeks. though my friends have been at the forefront of helping me navigate these roads I've never taken, the decisions have always been mine. I have chosen this way to follow instead of the other, and though it feels harder, it feels right. in areas of weakness, I have relinquished control to two safe friends. as an outlet for stress and a choice to make myself stronger, I have joined CrossFit. and, I pray harder than I've ever prayed because I'm dealing with things that are at times stronger than I am.

and when I feel like I can't fight for myself anymore, I rest assured knowing that the LORD fights for me. He determines to show me that even when I won't press on, He's going to press on for me. praise Him for building an army around me.

I know that "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

In time, and even now, I am able to comfort others around me just because of the comfort He has given me.

good, good, God.

abandoned

(so this wasn't an easy post for me to write. and as far as today is concerned, well...I've had better days. however, I know I'm not the only one to struggle with parental relationships. so, I write because I know I'm not alone, and I want you to know you're not either. this is a raw, open, and oozing wound that the Lord is actively healing. if you find yourself relating, please let me know. I'll pray for you.)


my father: "I wish I could go back and fix things. I crucify myself every single day for failing as a father to you."

my reply: "Tell me, what needs fixed. Acknowledge something."

him: "Not being involved in your life when you were younger. For backing out on God and on you...I thought you were better off without me. ...I should not have abandoned you."

ABANDONED:
a) to give up completely
b) cease to support or look after someone

it was several months into counseling that my counselor asked the question, "how long have you felt abandoned?" in that moment, my stomach and heart switched places.

me: "abandoned...? no. I've not been abandoned. I've always been taken care of. ...what does that word even mean?"

it took two weeks to digest that word and dig deep into my heart to uncover and fully see wounds of the past.* it took two weeks to even re-say the word. abandonment. it made me feel ill. but on october 27, my father openly confessed it with seemingly no hesitation.

it felt like I had just been punched. it felt like something had just stolen the last breath in my lungs. what stunned me is that I had refuted that word as soon as the counselor said it. believed it to not be true. this father whose hands I was given into by the Father just admitted that it was indeed true.

if I knew how to process that, I wouldn't be writing about it now. to be vulnerable, it cut me deeply. some of you may think that I need to be quick to forgive him and forget. that I should jump at the opportunity to attempt a relationship with him now. but, for now, I cannot. I can forgive the action, but my heart has not even begun to heal from this.

lately, I have began to seek the scripture for the truth's I have forgotten. though my father made mistakes and made poor choices when it came to being there for me, my Father says He is with me. and, sometimes the Father breaks you down (i hate that part) so you can see that He is really all you're supposed to need. here is some of the TRUTH that I have been reading tonight.
 
God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. (Ephesians 1:5)

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! (Psalm 139:17-18) 

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! (1 John 3:1)

For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. (Lamentations 3:31)

Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. (Psalm 27:10)

 No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you. (Joshua 1:5)

"no matter what"

preface: this. is. a. hard. day.

a friend said, "Just know that I love you no matter what and will walk beside you friend!"

instantly, I thought to myself, "I'm not sure I need loved 'no matter what'". sometimes I think I need bitch slapped back to reality. sometimes it feels like God has really messed me up. and though my head reassures me that isn't truth, my heart screams otherwise. I wish I knew what catches me up when it comes to loving Jesus and trusting Him.

"you break me to bind me.
you hurt me, Lord, to heal me. 
you cut me to touch me. 
you died to revive me."

lyrics to a new song by Tenth Avenue North. and they kill me. someone tell me that they're not true.

there's something in me that refuses to maintain a desire for Him. and when these moments of hard come, it's like a cinder block just beat the shit out of me.

why is this so hard? why am I crying? why can't I keep it together for longer than a few months? am I running from Him? am I missing something?

this is a hard day. and I hate it.

the posture

As I was getting ready this morning, the Lord was near to my heart. This weekend, God met me the exact way I have been praying for Him to meet me. I have been praying that He would simply be near me, that I could feel Him and that He would bring me a repentant heart. He answered this prayer so beautifully and with such poise that I have been humbled in the process.

This morning, I was thinking about bondage. The last two days I have been fearful that His nearness is going to leave me. I have been fearful that if and when I mess up, I'll push Him away from me. In anxiety, I cried as I laid in bed last night, begging Him, "Please don't leave me. Please do not leave me." The bondage of my sinful decisions has kept me so tightly bound the last year that I fear going back there.

And the Lord gave me a picture today; The chains have been broken and are laying at my feet, but I remain in the same bound posture.

The wrists are still together as if they are still shackled together.
The body is tightly wound making motion difficult as if the ropes are still wrapped around me.
The head hangs low in the oppression the chains have cast me in.
The fear causes all of me to tremble.

Yet, the chains are not ON me but BESIDE me. Captivity no longer describes me, because FREEDOM has made it's home.

The Lord was saying to me, "Get up and walk, cherished one. Let loose from that which once bound you and lift your hands and shout your freedom. Lean on Me with your full weight and let Me heal your wounds."

What a picture!

Friend, what have you been set free from?

Do you doubt your freedom because you are still standing in the posture bondage had placed you in?