live strongly, laugh loudly, love deeply

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. -Psalm 139:13-16

There is a level of peace that comes when I remember that, all of my days were already formed for me, before even I was formed... God cannot be surprised or dismayed by any of my steps. He knew what they would look like before I was even being formed in my mother's womb. 

I have many goals in life. There are so many things I would like to do before my short time on earth is over. I want to gain higher education so that I am more capable of helping those in my community in a greater way; to gain a greater credibility. I want to find a husband that shares similar goals; to partner with and to love life with. I want to be a momma; to my kids and to other's. I want little hands to teach kindness and service to and tiny feet that learn to take giant leaps of faith. I want to travel the world and hold and nurture kiddos of all colors and ages and kiss their faces. I want to wipe tears from hurt kiddos' pain and speak life over them. I want them to know that He formed them, knitted them together wonderfully, intricately wove them, and has a brilliant plan for their lives. I want to love them to pieces. I want their hearts to grow strong in love for God and people.

I want to walk tall and feel strong. I want the work I am doing now, to enable me to push back walls of darkness in others. I want to do for others what people have done/are doing for me. I want to grow in my career. I want to grow in my health and wellness.

I want to legitimately learn how to play the piano; not just chord. I want to sing again. I want to paint and decorate a house I own. I want to have chickens and horses and puppies. I want to write a book. I want to share my story, (the pain AND the restoration), and see God use it for good. 

Maybe not all of these things mentioned will happen. Though they seem like some pretty amazing goals, Ephesians says that God can do abundantly more than I can ask or imagine. So, I guess if these things don't happen, better things are on their way.

I just want to live strongly and laugh loudly and love deeply. 

-Wonderful are His works; 

my soul knows it very well.-

Recovery

My birthday is coming up. March 7. I'll be 24. It always kind of freaks me out when I realize that every year of my life is another year farther away from being 18 again. This year seems to be beginning with a certain theme; letting go.

There are many ideas/things/relationships that need to be let go in my life. Let go so that other ideas can form, that better things can come, and so that stronger, healthier relationships can build.

It's not easy for me to let go...of anything. I'm not a hoarder of material things, but things of the heart; I am. Even when it may be damaging to my heart. I'm positive I'm not the only one. You may be the same way.

In the past, I have allowed negative behaviors to control my actions. I have allowed negative influences to lead my relationships. I have allowed negative sights, sounds, and feelings to confirm what I think about myself; that I'm useless, purposeless, filthy, worthless, and incapable.

Through much reflection and hard work, those negative thought patterns are being disabled. Sometimes I still make decisions out of those beliefs; and often those decisions put me in a path of harm. It's okay to make those decisions, though. I'm still working it out. I know it's not possible, but I kind of convince myself that Jesus loves me more because of my failings. It makes coping with them a little easier. :)

Anyway, letting go is hard. But, I am having to do it in many areas of my life. I would encourage you to seek yourself and see if you find anything you would benefit from letting go of. Or maybe, you will find a hole that needs filled.

I'm praying that 2013 is better than 2012. And that my 24th year is better than my 23rd.

A year of recovery. Yes, a year to recover.

He sets me up to WIN

For THIS reason I remind you to fan into FLAME the gift of God, which is IN you through the laying on of my hands... (2 Timothy 1:6 ESV)

What can I say about my day? I am inspired. I am moved. I am called. I am pulled. I am motivated. God helped restore/create a passion within me. I have been praying that the Lord would provide me opportunity to use my gifts. To put my hand to something that His favor rests upon.

I don't know all of what tomorrow, next week, next month or the coming years look like for me. But what I am reminded of is that GOD IS A BUILDER. God allows us to go through situations, sometimes way less than ideal to SET US UP, brick by brick, for what He is planning for us in the future. He lays foundation, and he builds, and he remodels, and he restores, and he protects.

What I KNOW and can stand confident in tonight is that my God has a PLAN for my life. I had lost a bit of faith in that, my vision blurred by my circumstances. But literally I am praising the Lord.

I am PRAYING that the gifting's that the Lord has put IN me will be fanned into FLAME for THIS time.

Wow. I'm stunned by Him right now.

--praise Him.

Thirsty in the Desert

You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. -Psalm 63:1-2


Sometimes I don't realize how thirsty I am until I go through the desert. Something about the dry and parched land reminds me how important water is. How much my body craves and needs it. And, I would suggest that we feel thirsty far more often than we feel hungry.


When I'm finished with an intense workout, I don't crave milk or soda or juice. I crave water. Cool water. When I'm busting it out at work staying at times hours in my patient's room, I often become quite thirsty and sometimes I ask a coworker to bring me some water.


However, often when I'm walking through a really dry place in my spiritual life, I forget to ask the Lord for His thirst quenching power. I forget He gives water breaks. I forget that He loves to give good gifts to His children. And sometimes, I even refuse His water. "Oh Lord… Couldn't you have brought me VOSS instead of Aquafina?"


Unfortunately, as I wonder why He isn't helping me, I reflect on all that He has done in times past. Usually, I'm not so focused on the times He has proven His faithfulness to ME, but I often can remember how He has proven faithful to OTHER people that I know.


"Ya know, Lord… You do everything for everyone else! You provided for his mission trip. You paid her electric bill. You gave him back double what he tithed. You brought her husband to her. They're going to have another baby. He went to school for free." The list goes on and on. 

But, "I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory." -Psalm 63:2


I go through these cycles often. Belief and disbelief. Faithful and faithless. Seeking and refusing. Acceptance and rejection. Thirsting and thirst quenched.


David cried out to the Lord and it probably would sound something like this in our modern day, "OH GOD, I AM SO THIRSTY FOR YOU. I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN IN A DESERT WALKING AROUND FOR A LIFETIME WITHOUT WATER. I REMEMBER WHAT YOU CAN DO, OH GOD! OH GOD!"


I mimic this cry, "Oh GOD! I am SO thirsty. I am SO thirsty! I have been walking along this dry, hot, parched desert land and I've found nothing to quench my thirst. I must be thirsty for You, oh God. It has to be true. I remember what You do, what You've done, and what You CAN do. Quench my thirst, Lord."


I have seen Him work in the sanctuary of my life. My heart is His sanctuary. It is where He dwells, and I cannot deny that He resides there. That He has done some very detailed work on my soul and in my spirit. I have beheld His power and His glory in my life and in the lives of those I know. He has proven Himself faithful time and time again. He has shown His unfailing love to me in countless ways and in ways that I may never even know about.


My Lord,


Thank you for this desert. Thank you for reminding me how thirsty I am for you. For revealing that only You can quench that thirst. Thank you for your continued patience with me. Thank you for leading me to water even if I still wander seekingly through the desert. I am thirsty for You. I am longing for You, all of you. God, I have seen you in my sanctuary and I have beheld your power and your glory over and over and over again. You are GOOD. And, I love you. Grow my love for you and help me to see you in everything all of the time!


Amen

The Same God

He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased OUR freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave OUR sins. -Ephesians 1:7


Something that is hard for me to wrap my mind around is that God is the same God for ALL of humankind. In the above verse, Paul states that he purchased "OUR" freedom and forgave "OUR" sins. ALL of us. Wait......everyone? That's hard to believe.


He loves each of His created souls equally and sent His Son to cover each of their individual sins. His grace is just as much for the murderer as it is for the murdered. His love reaches into the depth of the one who hates Him just as far as it does the soul who seeks Him. His mercy is for the abuser as much as for the abused. He fights on behalf of the one who hurt another as much as He fights for the one who was hurt. That's really hard to grasp when you're the one who's been hurt.


This means that the Lord loves the child murderer from Sandy Hook as deeply as He loved the little children who were mercilessly slaughtered. It means He loves and offers forgiveness to those who await their fate on death row for the horrific choices made in time's past. It means that those who hurt me, He loves and offers forgiveness to, just the same as He does me.


Forgiveness, grace and mercy abound and are endless with the Lord. Although justice will be served, it is not ours to serve. Romans 12:19 says, "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." I have to decide to let Him be my avenger. To trust that regardless of what comes from exposing hard truth's, that He will be my avenger, that He will be my protector, and that He will indeed be my "rear guard."


Isaiah 58:8 says, "Then shall your light break forth like the dawn, and your HEALING shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard."


Tonight, as I read friends on Facebook speak about the year 2012 in retrospect, as well as state their goals for 2013, I am reminded of what I learned in 2012. There is nothing and no one that is concrete in this world except the Lord who created it. As far as 2013, I hold no expectations aside from literally walking daily with Him beside me. To trust Him to act on my behalf and to protect me and to surround me with safety and with safe people.


Isaiah 43:18-19a says, "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth..."


Here's to tomorrow; and to the same God today, yesterday, and forever.

it's almost like He's whispering

As the saying goes, "You're your own worst critic."  And, this rings fairly true in my life.  As I've gone through counseling the past several months (wah, wah, wah...), I often find myself irritated at myself because of all I feel I "need"!  Prodding around in wounds of the past can be so difficult!

There are moments when I feel so insecure and so incredibly unsafe.  I feel alone, and in the moments of lonely desperately need to hear, "You're going to be okay." I reach out to friends, I pray, I read my Bible.  There have been times, (often), that with tears dripping off my chin, I am begging God to be real to me. To be near to me.

I recently started a short daily devotional plan off of my Bible app on my iPhone.  It's by John Piper.  The following was quoted in my reading the other day:

Instead of letting me sink into a paralysis of fear, or run to a mirage of greener grass, he has awakened a cry for help and then answered with a concrete promise. -John Piper

What grabbed me initially was, "he has awakened a cry for help".  I remember back in February, when I was convinced God had abandoned me... I remember literally crying multiple times, "God, if you are freakin' real, you gotta fix this shit...you gotta fix me and you better do it soon or I'm going to die."  What John Piper said made me realize that it was God Himself who awakened that cry out of me.

He creates us knowing that all we truly need is Him.  He knew before I did how badly I was in need of Him; so, He made me cry out.  Then, He answered.  In fact, He's answering every single day.  He made me cry out so that He could answer!  It's almost like He's whispering; saying, "I. love. you.  I want you.  I have you.  You're my creation."

Nothing can satisfy the need but that which created the need. -Oswald Chambers

The Lord creates our needs.  He made me "needy".  He designed me for companionship, to be kept secure, to live freely, to be held, to be loved, to be wanted.  Those are not needy things.  Those are "created" things.  But "nothing can satisfy the need but that which created the need".

Aha!  So, I'm not needy after all!  I'm created by the Father to be exactly the way I am and He has great plans to fulfill all of my needs!  I just have to go to Him for it.  To be willing to accept it from Him!

I'm not needy.  I'm created!

praise Him.

fought for

exodus 14:14 "the Lord himself will fight for you. just stay calm."

over the course of the past 22 days, my life (the secretive part) has ceased to continue as it has always. as the darkness has been exposed, the light has shone brightly on it. close friends have refused to let me re-drape it in black, therefore the journey of healing what has been covered began.

because of some events in my childhood, I realized how little I felt "fought for". through hard times at school, with poor teachers and coaches, I most always defended myself. there are things that happened at my school to me that no one knows about, because at the time I just believed I was the only one who would defend myself. and I handled those situations the best I knew how to. and when it came to arguments with my mom, my dad ignored them. pretended that if he didn't approach it, it would all simply go away. so, I fought for myself. I've always fought for myself.

three weeks ago, I couldn't fight anymore. just simply SO tired emotionally and mentally. so I stopped fighting. but the moment I stopped, my friends began fighting for me harder than I have ever fought for myself. friends that see way more in myself than I can at times. and multiple people who have contacted me so randomly (that have had no idea the situation I've found myself in), simply to tell me that they felt the Lord was laying me on their heart to pray for me.

when I realized how little I felt "fought for", I was devastated. it was what brought me to my knees. I didn't have anywhere to turn, so I nose dived downward. and as I look back at the course of the past 3 weeks, I can see how so intricately the Lord is fighting for me. He's battling on my behalf and helping me reach healing in a more whole way than I've ever had it before.

I am so PROUD of myself for making the changes I've made the last three weeks. though my friends have been at the forefront of helping me navigate these roads I've never taken, the decisions have always been mine. I have chosen this way to follow instead of the other, and though it feels harder, it feels right. in areas of weakness, I have relinquished control to two safe friends. as an outlet for stress and a choice to make myself stronger, I have joined CrossFit. and, I pray harder than I've ever prayed because I'm dealing with things that are at times stronger than I am.

and when I feel like I can't fight for myself anymore, I rest assured knowing that the LORD fights for me. He determines to show me that even when I won't press on, He's going to press on for me. praise Him for building an army around me.

I know that "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

In time, and even now, I am able to comfort others around me just because of the comfort He has given me.

good, good, God.