I'm sitting at home listening to this new song by a new artist named Sarah Reeves. The song title is Sweet Sweet Sound. It is amazing... It makes me miss writing my music.
I got out of the habit quickly after I graduated high school. I play piano, clarinet, and guitar. I guess I play clarinet the best out of the three, but I can't exactly write and sing along to the clarinet, huh? lol.
The first few lyrics to Sarah's song are:
"I am an instrument of a living God, My life a melody to His name, More than the songs I sing, Worship is everything, I live to glorify my King."
Beautiful, huh? One of my BIGGEST passions in life is song and music. When God called me 'out' of that, I was absolutely devastated. I asked for a passion for nursing, and one that was just as great as my passion of music, songwriting, and singing. Then, I abandoned my love and heart for music. The first thing I used to talk about with someone was worship! They asked something about me, and it was "I sing!" Haha :) This girl and her voice and her passion that I can feel just listening to her music has reminded me of my love for it.
I know that the Lord has called me into Missions, but who am I to think He called me OUT of Song? After all, some of the biggest battles in the Bible were won through a cry of song! Worship is POWERFUL. And I miss the burning passion in my soul for it. I have become so complacent lately. My line of thoughts go something like the following, Who am I to be needed?, How can I make a difference? God can't use me in the music ministry. I should just give up my love of worship. How WRONG am I, folks? First of all, every single one of those statements have the word I in them. It is not I that does anything good. Not in missions, nursing, devotions, small group, or song.. It is the King!
The devil is trying to get at me from every angle. Doubt has crept in my heart and mind, along with fear of failure. The anger and bitterness from past dealings has also somehow made another residence in my heart. I know all of this is because somewhere soon down my journey is something amazing the Lord has in store for me.
Please keep me in your prayers. I need the passion to return!
I love ya'll!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tough words to swallow
This blog I'm going to write isn't easy to take in. It has literally changed my way of thinking. And I'm so freaked about what I have recently read. I believe it is lifechanging. I believe that it is something that needs to be shared with the world. They are words out of a book by Francis Chan. He is a pastor, speaker, and writer. He's radical. The name of the book is "Crazy Love."
___________________________________________
To put it plainly, churchgoers who are "lukewarm" are not Christians. We will not see them in heaven. In Revelations 3:15-18, Jesus says,
I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm-neither not hor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, "I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing." But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see."
There is no gentle rendering of the word spit in Greek. This is the only time it is used in the NT, and it connotes gagging, hurling, retching. Many people read this passage and assume Jesus is speaking to saved people. Why? When you read it, do you naturally conclude that to be "spit" out of Jesus' mouth means you're a part of His kingdom? When you read the words "wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked," do you think that He's describing saints?
...
Let's face it. We're willing to make changes in our lives only if we think it affects our salvation. This is why I have so many people ask me questions like, Can I divorce my wife and still go to heaven? Do I have to be baptized to be saved? Am I a Christian even though I'm having sex with my girlfriend? If I commit suicide, can I still go to heaven? If I'm ashamed to talk about Christ, is He really going to deny knowing me?
To me, these questions are tragic becasue they reveal much about the state of our hearts. They demonstrate that our concern is more about going to heaven than loving the King. Jesus said, "If you love me, you will obey what I command" (John 14:15). And our question quickly becomes even more unthinkable: Can I go to heaven without truly and faithfully loving Jesus?
I don't see anywhere in Scripture how the answer to that question could be yes.
_____________________________________
All of the above was out of his book in the 5th chapter. Now on to the next few things I would like to talk about. I just recently got into a debate with my very own uncle about the 'richness' of the United States of America. He does not believe he is rich. My family does not believe they are rich. My uncle, who makes enough to somehow afford satellite, nice vehicles, a pool, animals, food, a very nice home, and computers does not believe he is rich. Sure, he doesn't live in a mansion, or drive cadillacs, but when it comes down to sponsoring a child in another country all of these things take higher priority and all of the sudden 30 bucks a month is too much. I left steaming. I left furious. I am STILL totally broken about the conversation we had. Last night, I read the following out of my Crazy Love book.
_________________________________________
If one hundred people represented the world's population, fifty-three of those would live on less than $2 a day. Do you realize that if you make $4,000 a month, you automatically make one hundred times more than the average person on this planet? Simply by purchasing this book, you spent what a majority of people in the world will make in a week's time.
Which is more messed up-that we have so much compared to everyone else, or that we don't think we're rich? That on any given day we might flippantly call ourselves "broke" or "poor"? We are neither of those things. We are rich. Filthy rich.
The reality is that, whether we acknowledge our wealth or not, being rich is a serious disadvantage spiritually. As William Wilberforce once said, "Prosperity hardens the heart."
...
Jesus said, "'Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.' When he [the rich man] heard this, he became very sad, because he was a man of great wealth. Jesus looked at him and said, 'How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God'" (Luke 18:22-24). He says it's as hard as a camel to go through the eye of a needle-in other words, impossible.
__________________________________________
Selah, my friends. Because, I'm afraid we've been going at it from a completely wrong angle. We are so richly blessed. So rich. Do you tithe? Do you sponsor children? Do you give to the needy in your own back yard? I know I don't do everything I should be doing. Please, let's take heed of this. please.. Please!
___________________________________________
To put it plainly, churchgoers who are "lukewarm" are not Christians. We will not see them in heaven. In Revelations 3:15-18, Jesus says,
I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm-neither not hor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, "I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing." But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see."
There is no gentle rendering of the word spit in Greek. This is the only time it is used in the NT, and it connotes gagging, hurling, retching. Many people read this passage and assume Jesus is speaking to saved people. Why? When you read it, do you naturally conclude that to be "spit" out of Jesus' mouth means you're a part of His kingdom? When you read the words "wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked," do you think that He's describing saints?
...
Let's face it. We're willing to make changes in our lives only if we think it affects our salvation. This is why I have so many people ask me questions like, Can I divorce my wife and still go to heaven? Do I have to be baptized to be saved? Am I a Christian even though I'm having sex with my girlfriend? If I commit suicide, can I still go to heaven? If I'm ashamed to talk about Christ, is He really going to deny knowing me?
To me, these questions are tragic becasue they reveal much about the state of our hearts. They demonstrate that our concern is more about going to heaven than loving the King. Jesus said, "If you love me, you will obey what I command" (John 14:15). And our question quickly becomes even more unthinkable: Can I go to heaven without truly and faithfully loving Jesus?
I don't see anywhere in Scripture how the answer to that question could be yes.
_____________________________________
All of the above was out of his book in the 5th chapter. Now on to the next few things I would like to talk about. I just recently got into a debate with my very own uncle about the 'richness' of the United States of America. He does not believe he is rich. My family does not believe they are rich. My uncle, who makes enough to somehow afford satellite, nice vehicles, a pool, animals, food, a very nice home, and computers does not believe he is rich. Sure, he doesn't live in a mansion, or drive cadillacs, but when it comes down to sponsoring a child in another country all of these things take higher priority and all of the sudden 30 bucks a month is too much. I left steaming. I left furious. I am STILL totally broken about the conversation we had. Last night, I read the following out of my Crazy Love book.
_________________________________________
If one hundred people represented the world's population, fifty-three of those would live on less than $2 a day. Do you realize that if you make $4,000 a month, you automatically make one hundred times more than the average person on this planet? Simply by purchasing this book, you spent what a majority of people in the world will make in a week's time.
Which is more messed up-that we have so much compared to everyone else, or that we don't think we're rich? That on any given day we might flippantly call ourselves "broke" or "poor"? We are neither of those things. We are rich. Filthy rich.
The reality is that, whether we acknowledge our wealth or not, being rich is a serious disadvantage spiritually. As William Wilberforce once said, "Prosperity hardens the heart."
...
Jesus said, "'Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.' When he [the rich man] heard this, he became very sad, because he was a man of great wealth. Jesus looked at him and said, 'How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God'" (Luke 18:22-24). He says it's as hard as a camel to go through the eye of a needle-in other words, impossible.
__________________________________________
Selah, my friends. Because, I'm afraid we've been going at it from a completely wrong angle. We are so richly blessed. So rich. Do you tithe? Do you sponsor children? Do you give to the needy in your own back yard?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I think I can, I think I can...
Hello lovely wonderful people,
In one way or another you have all played a part in getting me to where I am. So, if you're reading this blog for the first time...It's true, you too, are a reason for my life of declared service. FYI: I'm thinking at this moment, How on earth did I get here? And I do NOT have the answer for that. God's grace is just astounding. His mercy is surely true every day.
Confession time:
I seriously am such a doubter. I've been dwelling on the hows and whens for this upcoming mission trip. I mean, I was so certain that this is what the Lord had laid before me. Things were working out so quickly, and I feel such peace about it. God has opened the right doors and shut ones not meant to open. But, what if... Bah! And, I'm freaking out a little bit about this recent decision to move in with some amazing people. I mean, what if I don't have my own space? What if I am cramped? (I know, some of you are thinking, 'so what?') I mean, there wasn't any doubt in my mind at first about the decision I was making. God had opened the door, and I had prayed for months and felt God leading me to accept the offer. I'm just SO afraid of change. So, how on earth am i going to make it in the MISSION field? (I'm tearing as I type, this is just so overwhelming). I know that I need to be prepared for change my entire life.
Number 1, being a nurse and dealing with change is simply inevitable.
Number 2, being a missionary and dealing with change is simply inevitable.
Not that I'm spazzing out and like quitting or anything. Because I am never a quitter. But, does anyone see how this could be "hair-pulling stressful"? I am going to dive into the word and read about God's promises for the obedient. I need to focus on Paul, because he was one of the ultimate missionaries of his day. ;-) If anyone has any scripture that would be encouraging, or just some encouraging words/prayers, I wouldn't be opposed to hearing them AT ALL!
love you.
In one way or another you have all played a part in getting me to where I am. So, if you're reading this blog for the first time...It's true, you too, are a reason for my life of declared service. FYI: I'm thinking at this moment, How on earth did I get here? And I do NOT have the answer for that. God's grace is just astounding. His mercy is surely true every day.
Confession time:
I seriously am such a doubter. I've been dwelling on the hows and whens for this upcoming mission trip. I mean, I was so certain that this is what the Lord had laid before me. Things were working out so quickly, and I feel such peace about it. God has opened the right doors and shut ones not meant to open. But, what if... Bah! And, I'm freaking out a little bit about this recent decision to move in with some amazing people. I mean, what if I don't have my own space? What if I am cramped? (I know, some of you are thinking, 'so what?') I mean, there wasn't any doubt in my mind at first about the decision I was making. God had opened the door, and I had prayed for months and felt God leading me to accept the offer. I'm just SO afraid of change. So, how on earth am i going to make it in the MISSION field? (I'm tearing as I type, this is just so overwhelming). I know that I need to be prepared for change my entire life.
Number 1, being a nurse and dealing with change is simply inevitable.
Number 2, being a missionary and dealing with change is simply inevitable.
Not that I'm spazzing out and like quitting or anything. Because I am never a quitter. But, does anyone see how this could be "hair-pulling stressful"? I am going to dive into the word and read about God's promises for the obedient. I need to focus on Paul, because he was one of the ultimate missionaries of his day. ;-) If anyone has any scripture that would be encouraging, or just some encouraging words/prayers, I wouldn't be opposed to hearing them AT ALL!
love you.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
3/17/09
Hey BlOg!
It's fine time I give a real update. No more of this half-hearted stuff going on. :) So, what has happened! Whew!
I am in the process of finalizing a few things with Assembly of God headquarters in order to get on board with Convoy of Hope for the trip to El Salvador. Mission! Yes! I have begun to get over being nauseas with saying the word missionary. Somehow even though I was excited, I was seriously scared to death. It's such a big step, ya know? So many people get so caught up in the american dream. They feel like they have to live comfortably and never want or need for anything. But, how much are we relying on God if that is the way we live. I think the christian faith has been strengthened for some during this economic turmoil we are experiencing in the United States. Honestly, this is exactly what has needed to happen. God is really wondering who is fully relying and trusting in HIM to provide for them. He is, after all, our ultimate provider and healer. Why do we look elsewhere for such peace and provision?
I'm stepping out on a huge block of faith. I know that I will be rewarded for it. I am honestly putting aside comfort and safety of this world to gain the comfort and safety from our heavenly realm. I am not going to worry about finances. God blesses abundantly those who do the work He has laid out before them. So, as long as I'm doing that I have absolutely NOTHING to worry about, right? Right! (if you were unsure of the answer) We have SO much waiting for us. I want everything that the Lord has for me. I don't want to get to Heaven and find out of all the blessings and plans He had for me. I want to take this portion of eternity, of which our lives on earth hold about 2/3 of a second, and do something HUGE for God. I am driven. I am stoked. I am ready. I want to train and learn and gain more than I ever thought I could.
I could go on and on about this for a while, but I'll save it for later. However, one more thing before I go. I watched Slumdog Millionaire the other night. One heck of a good movie. It opened my eyes to the terrors of poverty. I have no idea why the Lord chose to put me in America to enjoy the comfort. We are such a rich nation. We give a lot, but we could give so much more. Why do we HAVE to be comfortable? No lie, it's nice to sleep in my comfortable bed with thick blankets and heat and air conditioning with a TV in every room of the apartment and a kitchen with an electric dishwasher and whatnot, but seriously?? do I need those things? Absolutely not. Thank the Lord I have been blessed with them! But, when I see the slums of India I have to question why I am not doing more. I can't wait to live a life of service to God's children!!
Love you blog readers!
It's fine time I give a real update. No more of this half-hearted stuff going on. :) So, what has happened! Whew!
I am in the process of finalizing a few things with Assembly of God headquarters in order to get on board with Convoy of Hope for the trip to El Salvador. Mission! Yes! I have begun to get over being nauseas with saying the word missionary. Somehow even though I was excited, I was seriously scared to death. It's such a big step, ya know? So many people get so caught up in the american dream. They feel like they have to live comfortably and never want or need for anything. But, how much are we relying on God if that is the way we live. I think the christian faith has been strengthened for some during this economic turmoil we are experiencing in the United States. Honestly, this is exactly what has needed to happen. God is really wondering who is fully relying and trusting in HIM to provide for them. He is, after all, our ultimate provider and healer. Why do we look elsewhere for such peace and provision?
I'm stepping out on a huge block of faith. I know that I will be rewarded for it. I am honestly putting aside comfort and safety of this world to gain the comfort and safety from our heavenly realm. I am not going to worry about finances. God blesses abundantly those who do the work He has laid out before them. So, as long as I'm doing that I have absolutely NOTHING to worry about, right? Right! (if you were unsure of the answer) We have SO much waiting for us. I want everything that the Lord has for me. I don't want to get to Heaven and find out of all the blessings and plans He had for me. I want to take this portion of eternity, of which our lives on earth hold about 2/3 of a second, and do something HUGE for God. I am driven. I am stoked. I am ready. I want to train and learn and gain more than I ever thought I could.
I could go on and on about this for a while, but I'll save it for later. However, one more thing before I go. I watched Slumdog Millionaire the other night. One heck of a good movie. It opened my eyes to the terrors of poverty. I have no idea why the Lord chose to put me in America to enjoy the comfort. We are such a rich nation. We give a lot, but we could give so much more. Why do we HAVE to be comfortable? No lie, it's nice to sleep in my comfortable bed with thick blankets and heat and air conditioning with a TV in every room of the apartment and a kitchen with an electric dishwasher and whatnot, but seriously?? do I need those things? Absolutely not. Thank the Lord I have been blessed with them! But, when I see the slums of India I have to question why I am not doing more. I can't wait to live a life of service to God's children!!
Love you blog readers!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Bah...
It's been another few days since my last update. I've been sick the past few days so I haven't done much of anything, really.
I'm kind of having a rough week. I've been really reflecting on a few things in my life. God keeps reminding me of this statement: "My promises for you are dependent upon your obedience." And to be honest, I have had a hard time obeying the little things lately. I have sin in my life, and I just don't quite know how to ward it off. Satan is really good about throwing temptation up in my face time and time again. It's frustrating.
Ya know, I've been given this really amazing opportunity this summer to do big things for my Lord and Savior. And, because I've failed quite often recently, I'm afraid He will snatch up the trip from under me. I know that the Lord is faithful, and that He knows we are human, but I do just have this fear.
I'm also becoming really good at pointing the finger and not realizing that their are 3 pointing back at myself.
What I really need is to spend more time with the Lord. I know He has a plan and He desires deeply to connect with me on a more intimate level. I have left this level many times and I always regret the decision.
More later. Love!
I'm kind of having a rough week. I've been really reflecting on a few things in my life. God keeps reminding me of this statement: "My promises for you are dependent upon your obedience." And to be honest, I have had a hard time obeying the little things lately. I have sin in my life, and I just don't quite know how to ward it off. Satan is really good about throwing temptation up in my face time and time again. It's frustrating.
Ya know, I've been given this really amazing opportunity this summer to do big things for my Lord and Savior. And, because I've failed quite often recently, I'm afraid He will snatch up the trip from under me. I know that the Lord is faithful, and that He knows we are human, but I do just have this fear.
I'm also becoming really good at pointing the finger and not realizing that their are 3 pointing back at myself.
What I really need is to spend more time with the Lord. I know He has a plan and He desires deeply to connect with me on a more intimate level. I have left this level many times and I always regret the decision.
More later. Love!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
It's been a while, I know...
Well, it's been over a week since I've updated on what's been going on with yours truly. Let's see here, my birthday was the 7th and I got to go home and visit, which was nice. I get really tired of the consistent drama, though. Sometimes staying here and calling on the telephone seems more beneficial to us all. My family is definitely a unique one. We're so tightly entwined it seems that it is almost harmful. One thing I have been able to observe is that distance makes the heart grow fonder. My birthday was good, though. I told my family about Haiti which went REALLY well, and also told them about my desire to go with Convoy of Hope on the mission internship this summer. Man, that makes me nervous lol.
This morning I woke up to a phone call from my clinical instructor asking me where I was. We each have a week off from clinical duty, and I was convinced this week was mine, but in fact it is next week. So, I completely missed thisweek's clinical. Stink!! I'll go in tomorrow at 6:30 am, but we are done early tomorrow at 11:00 am. I'll have to make up my hours missed today at the end of the semester. No big deal, but I do feel like a huge retard. But good news is that I'll have a 13 day Spring break! Woo Hoo! :) I'm not sure where I'll be during those 13 days, but some of it will be spent at home. Some with friends, and some ALONE. I need some time ALONE desperately.
Well, Laundry is calling me. I must tend to it.
Love!
This morning I woke up to a phone call from my clinical instructor asking me where I was. We each have a week off from clinical duty, and I was convinced this week was mine, but in fact it is next week. So, I completely missed thisweek's clinical. Stink!! I'll go in tomorrow at 6:30 am, but we are done early tomorrow at 11:00 am. I'll have to make up my hours missed today at the end of the semester. No big deal, but I do feel like a huge retard. But good news is that I'll have a 13 day Spring break! Woo Hoo! :) I'm not sure where I'll be during those 13 days, but some of it will be spent at home. Some with friends, and some ALONE. I need some time ALONE desperately.
Well, Laundry is calling me. I must tend to it.
Love!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Burning the candle...
...at both ends.
I'm getting tired. Really sleepy. I can't believe all the things God has orchestrated in my life recently. I know I say that a lot, but really...I give Him all the credit. I want to make sure people everywhere watching me grow in this life of mine knows that everyhing good that happens is directly a result of the Lord's unfailing love and guiding soft hand.
I took a huge test today at school. Honestly, I'm worried about it. It was tough. Real tough for me. I'm glad I aced the first one, because I'll need it I'm afriad to make up for this one. Then again, the Lord could've completely guided every guess. Likely?...probably not. :) He rewards us for our effort, and this test I just couldn't focus on.
Let's see... Sunday's message was awesome. I can't wait to use it to help someone else. I love my church, and Pastor Scotty just is an amazing man all around. His family is remarkable. I know that with the leader he is, many of his offspring will bask in God's glorious presence for years to come. Monday was..oh yea, that's today. I keep thinking today is Thursday. Crazy, huh? Lol. I spoke to the Nicholson's yesterday and told them that I was game for moving into their household. They have offered me a place to live for 'free.' My payment will be mainly helping them with childcare, housework...and then I'll offer a monthly payment as well. But, this is going to save me so much money. I am so blessed. I won't have to take out any loans next year. That will cut my end school payment by probably 5,000 dollars. Crazy, huh?
My mom is seriously considering going back to school. I am supporting her 100 percent. She is incredibly smart, gifted, and talented. I know God will bless her in this ministry. I'm also praying for my dad. He's strugglig with being out on the road. He has 18 days until he comes home for only 5. But, those 5 days will be precious to our family. I hope he loves coming home.
I love you guys. A lot. :) Goodnight.
I'm getting tired. Really sleepy. I can't believe all the things God has orchestrated in my life recently. I know I say that a lot, but really...I give Him all the credit. I want to make sure people everywhere watching me grow in this life of mine knows that everyhing good that happens is directly a result of the Lord's unfailing love and guiding soft hand.
I took a huge test today at school. Honestly, I'm worried about it. It was tough. Real tough for me. I'm glad I aced the first one, because I'll need it I'm afriad to make up for this one. Then again, the Lord could've completely guided every guess. Likely?...probably not. :) He rewards us for our effort, and this test I just couldn't focus on.
Let's see... Sunday's message was awesome. I can't wait to use it to help someone else. I love my church, and Pastor Scotty just is an amazing man all around. His family is remarkable. I know that with the leader he is, many of his offspring will bask in God's glorious presence for years to come. Monday was..oh yea, that's today. I keep thinking today is Thursday. Crazy, huh? Lol. I spoke to the Nicholson's yesterday and told them that I was game for moving into their household. They have offered me a place to live for 'free.' My payment will be mainly helping them with childcare, housework...and then I'll offer a monthly payment as well. But, this is going to save me so much money. I am so blessed. I won't have to take out any loans next year. That will cut my end school payment by probably 5,000 dollars. Crazy, huh?
My mom is seriously considering going back to school. I am supporting her 100 percent. She is incredibly smart, gifted, and talented. I know God will bless her in this ministry. I'm also praying for my dad. He's strugglig with being out on the road. He has 18 days until he comes home for only 5. But, those 5 days will be precious to our family. I hope he loves coming home.
I love you guys. A lot. :) Goodnight.
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