"no matter what"

preface: this. is. a. hard. day.

a friend said, "Just know that I love you no matter what and will walk beside you friend!"

instantly, I thought to myself, "I'm not sure I need loved 'no matter what'". sometimes I think I need bitch slapped back to reality. sometimes it feels like God has really messed me up. and though my head reassures me that isn't truth, my heart screams otherwise. I wish I knew what catches me up when it comes to loving Jesus and trusting Him.

"you break me to bind me.
you hurt me, Lord, to heal me. 
you cut me to touch me. 
you died to revive me."

lyrics to a new song by Tenth Avenue North. and they kill me. someone tell me that they're not true.

there's something in me that refuses to maintain a desire for Him. and when these moments of hard come, it's like a cinder block just beat the shit out of me.

why is this so hard? why am I crying? why can't I keep it together for longer than a few months? am I running from Him? am I missing something?

this is a hard day. and I hate it.

the posture

As I was getting ready this morning, the Lord was near to my heart. This weekend, God met me the exact way I have been praying for Him to meet me. I have been praying that He would simply be near me, that I could feel Him and that He would bring me a repentant heart. He answered this prayer so beautifully and with such poise that I have been humbled in the process.

This morning, I was thinking about bondage. The last two days I have been fearful that His nearness is going to leave me. I have been fearful that if and when I mess up, I'll push Him away from me. In anxiety, I cried as I laid in bed last night, begging Him, "Please don't leave me. Please do not leave me." The bondage of my sinful decisions has kept me so tightly bound the last year that I fear going back there.

And the Lord gave me a picture today; The chains have been broken and are laying at my feet, but I remain in the same bound posture.

The wrists are still together as if they are still shackled together.
The body is tightly wound making motion difficult as if the ropes are still wrapped around me.
The head hangs low in the oppression the chains have cast me in.
The fear causes all of me to tremble.

Yet, the chains are not ON me but BESIDE me. Captivity no longer describes me, because FREEDOM has made it's home.

The Lord was saying to me, "Get up and walk, cherished one. Let loose from that which once bound you and lift your hands and shout your freedom. Lean on Me with your full weight and let Me heal your wounds."

What a picture!

Friend, what have you been set free from?

Do you doubt your freedom because you are still standing in the posture bondage had placed you in?

-fear-

*welcome to vulnerability*

fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

I spend a disturbing amount of time locked down in this emotion. Do you? It is only natural that when someone states they are afraid, you respond with the question, "What is it that you are afraid of?" 

I have asked myself this question for weeks upon weeks. I have received little revelation. Actually, I know several things I am afraid of, but I fear there is no resolution to these fears. I am terrified that the chaos my heart feels is permanent. The constant resistance to anything I cannot understand. I am afraid that I am going to wear my friends out with my neediness. In the current, I control my level of leaking neediness. But what happens when I erupt? Or can I keep controlling it?

I need a constant. A tangible constant. Someone to consistently reassure my altered self. Someone to remind me to breathe when it feels impossible. Someone who sees through the lies I tell them and myself. Someone who won't leave when it all becomes too much. And then I realize how selfish it sounds to want or expect such a someone. To realize that I am not all there is in this world. To remember that I am one of seven billion people on this earth. Who am I to need anything from anyone at all? To remember that I am twenty-three years old. Though at times I feel like a six year old.

What do I choose to believe? That I am worth filling those needs? Or that I am self-absorbed? What do I have a right to need? Am I childish for wanting these things? Do these needs define me as ignorant and weak as I feel because of them? What if they aren't dumb needs? Who is supposed to fill them?

I am afraid because not only might this be too much for you, it's too much for me, too. My inability to understand myself makes it impossible for you to understand me. My lack of self-acceptance makes it impossible for you to accept me wherever I am. I want you so desperately to love me where I am, but I will reject your every attempt to do so because in truth, I am disgusted with who I am. I am not good. But, you would never see that. You see what I want you to see.

This is all too messy and too frightening and I am exhausted. I walk in a land where insomnia rules and my facade is perfected. Where emotions are questioned and beliefs are created on shaky foundations. My heart kind of aches. And, I want to run away from myself; start afresh, start anew, have a redo. Am I truly going to live through? Are you going to make it, too?

I just don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want to be safe.

the V word

i'm not talking about victory. the word is not veracity or virgin or vegetables... it's vulnerable.

none of us want to be it. at least not really. i would also suggest to you that even in our most vulnerable moments, we keep it surface level.

i want to shake that up. i want to be real with you for several reasons.

first thing, i believe that though we feel alone in our struggles, we are not. i also believe that when He is given the opportunity, the Lord can work through our struggle and sin to bring ourselves healing and redemption and also to pave the road to freedom for others.

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (2 Corinthians 1:4)

 secondly, i simply do not want to hide anymore. hiding gets increasingly difficult with time. i've also learned that sharing brings freedom from the feeling of bondage. though, much caution should be taken when choosing who to be vulnerable with.

many of you know that the past 9 months have been very difficult for me. some of you may have read the blogs i vomited out of extreme brokenness and heartache and anger. for clarification, i am not in the least bit remorseful for those blog posts. they were/are a window into a deeper part of who i am. a deep part that i know i am not alone in having. and, i am aware that quite possibly the words of mine you read, made you feel uncomfortable because you yourself have struggled with similar things.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3)

to initiate being vulnerable with you, in April, i began the counseling process with a christian counselor. though some of you know this, many of you don't. i deeply believe that the Lord set in motion this counseling, and i know He set it in motion because of the aforementioned verse. counseling is a process for healing the brokenhearted and binding wounds. but i will be extremely honest, the process sucks. it is the most painful thing i have walked through yet, as those wounds that He binds, He must first expose and deeply dig out. it is messy.

there's a lot more to me and my story that i have hope in sharing with you in time. because through it, the Lord WILL bring healing and restoration to not only me, but quite possibly to you, as well.

i don't know who you are reading this, but i love you. and i intensely desire you to be set free from the "stuff" that entangles you. so much so, that i am willing to share with you the innermost secretive parts of me.

of course i am hesitant in being vulnerable to you. because you may hurt me. even unintentionally. so be patient and be kind, because i want to show you Christ's healing process. i want you to see it, so maybe you'll let Him heal you, too.

"i throw my hands up in the air sometimes..."

The last couple of days have been weird...and hard.

It's that time of the year again, where people are signing up for classes and getting their books and purchasing a fresh planner for their studies. It's that time of the year again, where I think about all of the things I am passionate about and fret about which one to pursue. I am so WEIRD. So, because I continue to throw all of these things around in my head, I am insisting myself to write them down and maybe my fast paced mind will receive rest.

1) I am passionate about medicine probably more than nursing. Therefore, I can easily see myself pursuing med school and become a practicing physician.

2) I am passionate about those trapped in addiction. Therefore, I can easily see myself pursuing a degree in sociology and psychology and become a counselor advocating relapse prevention.

3) I am passionate about music, both instrumental and vocal. Therefore, I can see myself pursuing a degree in music and working toward a form of directing on a professional level.

4) I am passionate about furthering education, period. Therefore, I can soooomewhat see myself pursuing a higher degree in nursing and pursuing my doctorate in nursing.

5) I am passionate about au naturale living. Therefore, I can see myself buying a house, settling down with someone forever, raising a family, and living off the land through organic gardening and teaching my little ones responsibility with animal care and instilling educational values into them.

6) I am passionate about humanitarian aid to those less fortunate than myself. Therefore, I can see myself giving everything else up in the pursuit of a life in Haiti or Africa where I dedicate everything I am to loving on buggy heads and washing dirty hands and lovingly placing a bandaid on a bleeding HIV positive baby and delivering babies in the back village.

In confusion and exhaustion, I simply want to run away. I research hospitals to work in focusing on relocation. Baltimore, New York, Boston, Dallas... Maybe if I can run far enough, these passions will elude me and peace will consume me. I clearly cannot do them all, and because all passions are equal, choosing one to pursue is impossible.

It's times like these that I kick myself for signing a twelve month lease when I know my heart is accustomed to six months or less. I still love my little apartment, but I. must. escape. for the sake of sanity.

Another thing that has caught one of my heart strings is that I often have no passion for God or the things of Him. I believe now more than ever before in the war for a soul. I feel so detached from the battle, but know that there is one raging. I sense myself longing to lose the numbness against reality. However, when feeling happens, I push it away because there's just too much to deal with and sort through.

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying 'Ayo, gotta let go.'" ...gotta escape.

does God remember?

at times, I am convinced I am one day away from disaster. this process of figuring out who I am and what I stand for and where I am headed is a deeply confusing trek. who I have been is not who I am now. and I'm trying to figure out which 'me' was better. a sense of certainty (even if it was false) was the past. but a pool of insecurity consumes the current. do I desire false security? sometimes...

was all that I worked for to be who I am now done in vain? were the best times of my life spent wasted in a school that taught me to be something I am so unsatisfied in now. do I carry the burden of choice? the choice to change? am I truly intelligent enough to be more than I am?

does God remember? does He remember the things He birthed in me? it feels as though He does not. it feels like abandonment. it crushes my core. and instead of waiting patiently in hope that He delivers, I prefer to retreat and remove myself from the line of potential pain. repeated wrenching.

and I think to myself, "If He knew I would ache the way I do, how could He ever birth such passion and remain still?" 

surely you may read and judge that I am selfish, whining, and ungrateful. however, sometimes the hurt within simply needs expressed to an open ear.

what am I supposed to be? 

"God, do even You remember?"

Taking Your Trash to the Dumpster

This may sound silly or super obvious, but I found myself realizing something today that somewhat calmed me.

I was taking my trash out to the dumpster. As I was walking to the dumpster, I was particularly aware of how nice the temperature was. In comparison to the last couple of weeks, I was sensitive to the decrease in temperature. 

The dumpsters had just been emptied, and the big black lids were down. As I lifted the lid, an overwhelming stench of rotten filth engulfed me. I quickly threw my bag of trash into the dumpster, and began walking back to my apartment.

On the way back, I realized that regardless of who you are, what you wear, the products you buy, or your philosophies of life; you got trash. Furthermore, your trash stinks. It stinks just like mine. If there is anything in life that we all have in common, it's the fact that we are recipients of, accumulate, and often produce junk.

If we keep it all in our houses, our houses will inevitably begin to smell just as bad as that dumpster does. It would eventually begin to affect our physical health, it would inhibit our ability to rest well at night, and would expose us to preventable disease and sickness.

We would be silly to keep trash in our houses because there has been a system developed for disposal. We take our trash to the dumpster, and we expect our neighbors to do the same. It isn't my responsibility to take my neighbor's trash out. However, I could kindly show them where the dumpster is, or offer to help clear out their junk.

In a similar way, our emotional junk needs attention. It's a normal part of life, just like trash accumulation, but sometimes we like to hoard our "inside" pain. Too afraid that if someone else smells my trash, they'll realize how disgusting I am. But I believe that the true fear lies not on me, but on them. It takes strength to realize your inside trash. Seeing someone else's pain quickly reminds us of our own.

Truth is that it needs taken care of, tended to, and cleaned out. Perhaps a nice freshener to replace it with. It requires consistent maintenance. At times, it insists help from an outside person. At other times, it requires deep reflection. Regardless, it demands persistence and strength. 

I'm thankful for the analogy that it seems God helped me see today. Be encouraged to play an active part in your emotional health. You're worth it.