Chocolate Love

"No matter how wonderful a taste of relational fullness you have, you will want 

more... Eve is a  bottomless well of longing.  Jesus alone is the never-ending fount, 

which can slake her thirst.  No other source, no other relationship will fully satisfy.  

God made us that way.  On purpose." 

-John & Stasi Eldredge, Captivating

Chocolate Love

Imagine that you had never tasted chocolate before.  Imagine that you did not even know it existed.  And then one day, someone said, "Hey! Would you like some chocolate?!" I would think that you may at first be hesitant to try something that you had never tasted before, let alone even heard of!  Cautiously, you put out the palm of your hand and receive a piece of chocolate.  You may ask, "What does it taste like?"  Your friend says, "Just trust me...it's delicious."

Still not convinced, you place the piece of chocolate into your mouth.  Now, (if you're like me), you supernaturally begin to hear the angels singing the Hallelujah chorus, a NASCAR stadium cheering loudly, a July 4th fireworks show, and behold, your tongue was just introduced to the outer realm of heaven.  Once you tasted it once, you could potentially binge on it.  (especially dark chocolate! nom nom...)

I've been talking a lot about relationships lately.  And, well, here I go again.  I can't help it.  God is doing something and I want you to know about it.

I love the family God gave me to.  They're wild and funny.  They are farmers, four wheel riders, cinnamon roll makers, board game players, and fall harvest party extraordinaires.  They're close knit and rely heavily upon each other for help in child-rearing, chicken-butchering, and cutting wood for winter.  And like most families, they. are. dysfunctional.  They also have no sense of what healthy boundaries are.

My mom and I fought literally almost every day of my time at home.  (not exaggerating)  Hating each other was just what we knew.  My dad worked 60-70+ hours a week.  It was his way of avoiding the domestic chaos.  My heart learned to hide.  Hiding kept me safe.  (or so I thought...)  After all, no one can trample a heart, (or love it), that has coated itself in concrete walls with barbed wire coiled on top.

As my process in counseling continues, I've learned how to chip at that concrete and expose my heart very carefully and slowly to safe people in my life.  

However, this part of it makes me feel extremely needy.  Just like someone who has tasted chocolate for the first time, my heart senses safe, sees healthy, and feels cherished for the first time in a long time.  And once you've had good chocolate, you want more...and more...and more.  Praise God for loving me enough to place additional family, healthy people in my life who are cautious and tender with my heart.  I feel like I should be careful.  Don't eat too much, Kayla...they're not going anywhere.

Like most female humans, I often feel that my heart is seriously waaaay too much to handle.  Shoot, it's too much for ME to handle, let alone for someone else!  Just like John & Stasi write in the quote above, we are "bottomless wells of longing"...and only Jesus is going to ever fully fill us.  He made us this way because He is the one who wants that place in our life.

Currently, I'm navigating... navigating this seemingly increasing neediness, my worth, my place in this city, my future, and growing with Jesus. What part of me does Jesus fill?  What part of me do people fill?  Every time I feel like I get a little closer to figuring out who I am, I quickly find myself reevaluating it.

Anyone else relate to this stuff, or am I confusingly rambling?

relationships, forgiveness, boundaries, parents, love, thankfulness

Today at North Point Church, they began a series entitled "Once Upon A Time".  I saw it last night on their Facebook page and I really had a tugging toward it, so I obeyed and went.  Pastor Jeremy talked about relationships that can be toxic in our lives (maybe you're the toxic one...) and how to handle them in a Godly and biblical way.  He spoke on the parable of the prodigal son.

I'd like to share with you some of the points that Pastor Jeremy gave us:

"A toxic person is not someone who annoys you, it is someone who hurts you."

1. Accept my limitations.  I am NOT God!  I cannot control others' choices! I am ONLY responsible for me.  Do not let your life be guilted or controlled by others.

Some people talk about "loving" their toxic person and many times "loving" them means letting go.  Pastor Jeremy said, "If you hug a porcupine, you are going to become a pin cushion."

2. Eliminate all bitterness. Forgive.

Forgiveness has 2 phases:
1) Forgiveness of the offense to God.
2) Forgiveness to the person requesting it.

**NEVER offer forgiveness to the person who doesn't ask for it.***
^Your forgiveness of the offense is first and foremost given to God, so the offender does not need to ask for your forgiveness for you to be healed from the offense.

3. Establish clear boundaries.  If you can't change their actions, change your reactions! Stop letting people hurt you.  STICK TO YOUR BOUNDARIES! They will be tested by the toxic person.  Toxic people flip out when boundaries are installed.  Do not allow yourself to be manipulated.

4. Allow boundaries to create brokenness.  The person who is toxic may call you unspiritual because of your boundaries, but boundaries can be the MOST spiritual thing that you do for a toxic person and yourself.

5. Be quick to forgive.  It is impossible to dish out more forgiveness than you've received.  The goal of establishing boundaries is to bring reconciliation.

The prodigal son's father set boundaries with him, out of love.  He allowed his son to leave and he gave him his inheritance.  And his son left.  But the father did not give up on him.  He waited and he watched and when he saw him returning from afar, he ran up to meet him and greet him and clothe him and feed him.  The son was broken over his choices, and it drove him to return to his father.

Right now, I have very strict boundaries set with my family and relatives.  And they have their opinions on my boundaries for sure.  They feel as if I am withdrawing, removing, separating, and distancing myself from them.  (This is actually true.)  They believe I am doing it because I hate them. (This is not true.)  But, after many years, I began to see the cycle of abuse.  I refuse to be hurt by them any longer.  My heart is my responsibility to guard.  And, I am capable of turning away from harmful things.  I am capable to turn away from it because regardless of their choices to change in the future, I am going to be okay without them.

Being free from toxic relationships allows healthy relationships to form in your life.  For months and months, I prayed that God would bring a father and mother into my life.  The kind who are willing to let me be their child and encourage my strengths and help me with my weaknesses.  The kind who understand boundaries and help me build my own.  Parents who long to hear about my day and what I envision for my future.  The kind who confront me when I'm doing something wrong and can point me in a better way.  Parents who don't quit being parents.  Parents who want me to be with them because they enjoy me.  Parents who like hugs and laughing and talking.

God has answered this in a beautiful way, and I am so thankful.  I love my mom and dad, and I pray that one day reconciliation happens.  But until then, I'm not going to wait to be their kid when other people are asking to be my parents.  Because I need a mom and dad.  Everyone does.

Thank you, God for toxic relationships.  They show me how beautiful healthy ones are.

the opposite sex

Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right. (Song of Songs 3:5 NLT)

Dating. Kissing. Marriage. Sex. Babies.

In that order, please. Come to me, husband.

Have you ever read the Song of Songs? Wow, it's pretty hot. I mean, who thought Solomon could write this and get away with it in THE BIBLE (!!!) :

"Your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates with rare spices— henna with nard..." Song of Songs 4:13

-at which the young woman responds:

"...Blow on my garden and spread its fragrance all around. Come into your garden, my love; taste its finest fruits." Song of Songs 4:16

Ummm, I'm no theologian, but I'm not sure I need my expository to figure out what they're telling each other. ...if ya know what I mean.

Let's get real. I'm 24 years old. We're supposed to be in our prime!! Where are all the good men? (I know that sounds cliche, but for reals...)

Bottom line is that, I'm waiting. I've actually been waiting. ...and waiting. And I guess I'll keep waiting. (It's not like there's actually anything I can do about the matter except...well, wait it out.)

I pray that whoever the Lord has designated to be blessed by me (sarcasm...), will come along in the right time. There is still much healing that my heart needs. And God has gently reminded me of that.

I want a dynamic marriage. I want to marry my best friend. I don't want perfection, I want someone to do life with. And life gets messy. And pasts are messy. My past is messy. I can love regardless. I want a man of God who loves deeply and leads valiantly and pursues diligently. I want to be a wife who walks beside him, loves him, and submits honorably. And I want to be a Mom that he has envisioned for his children, a mom to my kids and kids birthed by others...

I'll wait for that. And I trust that married life will be as hot as Solomon and his lover write about in the Song of Songs.

Here's to us, single people!

You're legit. Worth waiting for. You're gorgeous. You're handsome. You're hot. Your value is way more than rubies. And you have a LOT to offer the opposite sex someday.

Press on!

is love enough?

James 1:22-27

But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.

If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

I have read the book of James many times over my life.  But as we know well, the Word of God is alive and sharper than a two edged sword and often it carves a new creation on our hearts. 

This morning, I was reading and seeking God's voice.  I skipped church because I just didn't feel like fighting with snow and my warm bed was too comfy to leave.

As I read this passage in James, I had to really ask myself some questions.  First, "Do I do what God's word says to do?"  "Do I control my tongue?"  "Do I really care for orphans and widows in their distress?"

My heart is good and intentional, but my arms and legs (and tongue and wallet) often fall short.  For the last couple of weeks, I have been caught up in the grace of God.  But I have to ask myself this morning, "Am I placing bets on grace?  Can't grace just carry me on?"

I'm not religious, and I'm not legalistic.  But, am I truly living like Jesus asks me to?

I drink alcohol (often), I use cuss words, and I listen to "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis.  I got a tattoo and intend on getting more.  I don't pay tithes (honest) and I skip church... often.  I talk a lot about caring for the orphans.  I wrestle in sin and it usually wins.

But, I love.  I love deeply.  Is that enough?  

It's not.  

James 2:20, "Can't you see that faith without good deeds is useless?"

I know it's not about works, but...it's about works.

Eh.  I have questions.

scandalous grace

do you struggle with the concept of grace?

do you wrestle with the belief that God holds the balance of grace and justice in perfect harmony?

do you accept His grace?

do you believe He longs to bestow it upon you?



When I chose to open my eyes and gaze into the ugly of my sin, I became fully aware of how unworthy I am to be a recipient of God's grace.  because grace is for those who sin "little" sins.  grace is for those who tell "white lies" and quietly mutter disdain under their breath.  grace is only for those who are worthy of receiving it.  grace is for those who don't return to their sin.  grace is for the perfect.  

if I am aware of my shortcomings, how much more is God aware of my failings.  how can a God who is whole and holy and worthy and perfect possibly give such a sinner His graciousness.

it is hard for me not to view God watching me in disgust.  looking down from the beauty that is Heaven and shaking His head at my ridiculousness.  I anticipate that He will open His mouth and spew judgment on my mind of wrath and heart of resistance.  the Bible speaks of Him both as grace-giving and a judge.

is it possible for me to know which stance He will take with me?  how does He view me? is He disappointed in me?

Romans 2:6, "He will judge everyone according to what they have done."
and
Ephesians 1:6, "So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son."

which is it?  because much like Paul, I find that even though in my deep I desire to do good, I so often do wrong.

I struggle with the concept of grace.  I wrestle with believing that God truly holds a perfect balance between grace and judgment.  I don't always accept grace.  I believe that God would rather pour out wrath of judgment on me than lavish me in grace.

grace is a scandalous thing.  

most incomprehensible.

what are your thoughts on the subject of grace?  what has God taught you throughout your journey?  do you wrestle with the same things I do?  have you grown in understanding of grace through your struggle?  if so, please share...

twenty.four.

What a brilliant day.  The sun was shining warmly and flip flops donned my feet; time for pedicures again!

Birthday.

I was oddly excited for it this year.  twenty.three. was just a hard year.  I wrote a blog recently about this year being one of "recovery".  (You can visit it if you click on the link.)  In that blog, I spoke of my upcoming birthday and about how I was praying and believing that my twenty.fourth. year would be so much better than my twenty.third.

This day, I remembered where my heart was one year ago.  Let's just say that it was certainly not where it is today.  My heart was hurting so deeply that even I could not see the depth of the ache.  However, there were people in my life who recognized it and called it out.  Many of you have watched me top mountains to hopelessly land in valleys moments later.  Yet, you've loved me unconditionally.  Though my twenty.third. year was horrific in many ways, it was a year in which the Lord taught me of relentless love.

He has displayed it through you.

James 5:19-20 says, "My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins."

I declare that twenty.four. is going to be an amazing year.  While continuing in recovery, the Lord is stitching and healing and creating something beautiful.  Romans 8:28 tells me, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God..."

I wish that I could express through words or gifts how much you mean to me.  There is simply not a word that defines the deep gratitude and love my heart feels for you and all that you've sacrificed to love me through.  There is not a gift that can show thankfulness for the late night talks, the hugs, the notes, the messages, the dinners, the coffees...

You know who you are.  Every day, I'm paying it forward.  Jesus in you.  Jesus in me.  This world will change.  Babies will be rescued.  Children will be set in families.  Hearts will turn toward the Savior.  The unloved will be loved.  The angry will find rest.  The stressed will find peace.  The hurting will find healing.

My twenty.fourth. will not be silent.

My twenty.fourth. will be resilient.

unclean

I am such a sinner.

...like, seriously.

sinner.

be careful if you think you are standing, because >BAM< you find yourself eating the concrete, searching for your glasses because you can't see anything, and your once white pants are soaked in the muddy puddle.

for me, it happens suddenly.  my hands will be in the air worshipping the God I claim as my own, and the next thing they're spelling words they shouldn't be.  sin is alluring.  sin is tempting.  sin is fun.  and in the moment, nothing matters except keeping the attention.

but afterward, you feel like shit about yourself.  because our hearts are not created to withstand what is harmful to us.  but often sin is placed in a form that makes it feel impossible to resist.

a tiny pinch of it begs us leaving for more and more and before long you've lost sight.  the glasses are nowhere to be found, and all sense of clarity in your mind has left you.  all that matters is the next hit of whatever makes you feel good, so you chase more of it.  and in your chase, something causes you to trip, and then you're crawling on the ground sucked into the irresistible.  the rest on the ground feels initially nice so you just stay awhile.

meanwhile, something weighted seems to be keeping you from moving as freely as before.  slightly panicked, you attempt to rise, only to realize you're pinned...and it's dark outside, the noises are not calming, and the ground is getting cooler.

stay with me...I'm just painting a picture of what happens to me when I dabble in the sin that so often entices me.

he is charming, and he is manipulative.

sin separates me from the God I reach out my hands to.  not because He doesn't love me, but because I've chosen darkness over light.  ...once again.

but I still walk through the church doors, and I shake the hand of the person beside me and I smile and I fool them.  I fool me.

I contemplate communion.  my hands don't deserve to touch it.  I am too unclean.  like a leper.  I should be confined to the outer walls of the city, unable to commune with people of God.  because I am a sinner.  unclean.

then Grace happens.  a scandalous thing it is.  Grace takes my leprous hands, places the bread and wine into them.  I push it away, "Don't you know what I've done..."  Grace nods His head and pushes the elements back into my grip.

I take you back.  I will always take you back.  Commune with me.  

The weights on the body loosen, Grace hands you back your sight, and helps you to your feet.

"Hang out with me..." Grace says, "Let me walk with you..."

babies, lies, and stories...

I check my Facebook page often...  Okay, way too often.  Don't you?  I changed my cover photo a couple days ago, and now every time that I open my page up, I see a hand stretched out in front of a person's face and written on her palm are the words, "YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH."  Ever single time I read the words, there's a part of my heart that beats a little faster.

It's a question I've asked often over my twenty-three years...  Not that I had the worst childhood, but there were parts that were incredibly difficult.  One thing that has consistently lacked for many of my days is a legitimately good and healthy relationship with my parents.  My dad was 21 and my mother was 20 when I, an eight pound, thirteen ounce baby girl was delivered into their world.  I can only imagine the thoughts that went through their mind, "What the heck are we supposed to do with this?"  I know that is probably what I would think as a 20 year old.  They had been married a short 13 months before I changed their entire world.  I obviously do not remember the first couple years of my life, and by that time, my little sister had arrived.  Shortly thereafter, I was five years old, and then came my baby sister.  She was born on March 4th, and came home from the hospital on my fifth birthday, March 7th.  I remember the drive home in our long blue car with hot cloth seats.  I did not want her to come home with us.  Primarily because my mother told me that she was my birthday present.  Who wants a live, crying baby for their birthday?  Um, not me.  (Fortunately, when we got home, some sweet friends had brought a Barney backpack to me for my birthday...and I loved it.)

A few years after my baby sister came home, my mother began to struggle emotionally.  She was depressed most every day and her involvement in our lives became more difficult because of how she felt.  Although I think she still loved us a lot, she distanced from us.  As a kiddo, I just thought that if I could do something more and act more grown up, that it would make her happy.  Often, it did make her proud of me.  (And other adults in my life always complimented me because of how grown up I acted...so I just kept it up.)  I did it so that my mom would be happy and spend time with us.  If there was one thing my mother loved, it was a stunningly clean and meticulously organized house.  Still does!  But, when it didn't always work; when clean didn't always make her happy, she stayed depressed...and distant.  So, I worked harder... and the lesson I learned (whether my mother thought this way or not...) was that I simply wasn't good enough; that I couldn't do enough for her to be happy.  There was nothing that I could do to make her smile at me and spend more time with me.  So, I stopped trying and I just internalized that lie..."You are not good enough." 

We all have our stories.  We all have those thoughts that are destructive.  We all have lies that we have believed.  And acknowledging that it is indeed a lie, doesn't necessarily mean you stop believing it.  It takes a lot of work to disable the lie that becomes lodged as truth in your heart.  I'm too much.  I'm not good enough.  You don't really love me.  If only I was prettier.  If only I was thinner.  I should be smarter than this.  Did I mention, I'm too much.?

I have believed and still believe at times, all of those lies.  It's a process to replace a lie with the truth.

We all struggle and we struggle because of various things.  Remember that you have a story, and be aware of the people around you.  They have stories, too.  They have tough stuff that has happened to them in their lifetime.  Be compassionate and patient.

"Even If..."

Before I walked into work this morning, I decided to open up my email and do a little clean up of my inbox.  I rarely open and read the "Encouragement for Today" email's from Proverbs 31 Ministries... but I did today.

The author recalled her past of being raped and ten years later trying to heal from it.  She often asked herself how she could possibly forgive him without an apology from him.  She later discovered that even if he gave her an apology, it would not set her free.  It would not set her free.

If it is possible to feel punched in the gut and hugged at the same time; it's what I felt.

I felt the Lord whisper to my heart, "Even if they believed you, it would not set you free."  For the sake of hearts involved, I'll conceal what my family has refused to believe. The point is that man's word does not set anyone free from any chains.  Actually, man's word can bind.

Stephanie Clayton writes,

"Freedom is not contingent upon receiving an apology from those who have hurt us."

I have lived for 18 years with a chain around my ankles, waiting for someone to listen.  Waiting for someone to dig deep and figure out the pain etched in my masked smile.  Longing to be held and loved through the shame and confusion.  The older I became, the more compact it all became and the chains tightened.  I have been waiting to be heard and believed by the people who gave me life, while missing that God was the one who breathed air into my lungs and caused my heart to beat.

I missed that my freedom cannot possibly come from where I expect it to come from.  It comes from the God who is my father AND my mother.  Freedom comes from living for an audience of ONE.  Freedom comes by walking back through the pain, and allowing Him to soothe and console and nurture the wounds caused by faulty people (as we all are at times...).

It's interesting to me that man can bind, but man cannot unbind.  Only God can bring freedom.  Only He holds the power to restore what has been destroyed.

And, He is not waiting for anyone to apologize before He heals.

live strongly, laugh loudly, love deeply

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. -Psalm 139:13-16

There is a level of peace that comes when I remember that, all of my days were already formed for me, before even I was formed... God cannot be surprised or dismayed by any of my steps. He knew what they would look like before I was even being formed in my mother's womb. 

I have many goals in life. There are so many things I would like to do before my short time on earth is over. I want to gain higher education so that I am more capable of helping those in my community in a greater way; to gain a greater credibility. I want to find a husband that shares similar goals; to partner with and to love life with. I want to be a momma; to my kids and to other's. I want little hands to teach kindness and service to and tiny feet that learn to take giant leaps of faith. I want to travel the world and hold and nurture kiddos of all colors and ages and kiss their faces. I want to wipe tears from hurt kiddos' pain and speak life over them. I want them to know that He formed them, knitted them together wonderfully, intricately wove them, and has a brilliant plan for their lives. I want to love them to pieces. I want their hearts to grow strong in love for God and people.

I want to walk tall and feel strong. I want the work I am doing now, to enable me to push back walls of darkness in others. I want to do for others what people have done/are doing for me. I want to grow in my career. I want to grow in my health and wellness.

I want to legitimately learn how to play the piano; not just chord. I want to sing again. I want to paint and decorate a house I own. I want to have chickens and horses and puppies. I want to write a book. I want to share my story, (the pain AND the restoration), and see God use it for good. 

Maybe not all of these things mentioned will happen. Though they seem like some pretty amazing goals, Ephesians says that God can do abundantly more than I can ask or imagine. So, I guess if these things don't happen, better things are on their way.

I just want to live strongly and laugh loudly and love deeply. 

-Wonderful are His works; 

my soul knows it very well.-

Recovery

My birthday is coming up. March 7. I'll be 24. It always kind of freaks me out when I realize that every year of my life is another year farther away from being 18 again. This year seems to be beginning with a certain theme; letting go.

There are many ideas/things/relationships that need to be let go in my life. Let go so that other ideas can form, that better things can come, and so that stronger, healthier relationships can build.

It's not easy for me to let go...of anything. I'm not a hoarder of material things, but things of the heart; I am. Even when it may be damaging to my heart. I'm positive I'm not the only one. You may be the same way.

In the past, I have allowed negative behaviors to control my actions. I have allowed negative influences to lead my relationships. I have allowed negative sights, sounds, and feelings to confirm what I think about myself; that I'm useless, purposeless, filthy, worthless, and incapable.

Through much reflection and hard work, those negative thought patterns are being disabled. Sometimes I still make decisions out of those beliefs; and often those decisions put me in a path of harm. It's okay to make those decisions, though. I'm still working it out. I know it's not possible, but I kind of convince myself that Jesus loves me more because of my failings. It makes coping with them a little easier. :)

Anyway, letting go is hard. But, I am having to do it in many areas of my life. I would encourage you to seek yourself and see if you find anything you would benefit from letting go of. Or maybe, you will find a hole that needs filled.

I'm praying that 2013 is better than 2012. And that my 24th year is better than my 23rd.

A year of recovery. Yes, a year to recover.

He sets me up to WIN

For THIS reason I remind you to fan into FLAME the gift of God, which is IN you through the laying on of my hands... (2 Timothy 1:6 ESV)

What can I say about my day? I am inspired. I am moved. I am called. I am pulled. I am motivated. God helped restore/create a passion within me. I have been praying that the Lord would provide me opportunity to use my gifts. To put my hand to something that His favor rests upon.

I don't know all of what tomorrow, next week, next month or the coming years look like for me. But what I am reminded of is that GOD IS A BUILDER. God allows us to go through situations, sometimes way less than ideal to SET US UP, brick by brick, for what He is planning for us in the future. He lays foundation, and he builds, and he remodels, and he restores, and he protects.

What I KNOW and can stand confident in tonight is that my God has a PLAN for my life. I had lost a bit of faith in that, my vision blurred by my circumstances. But literally I am praising the Lord.

I am PRAYING that the gifting's that the Lord has put IN me will be fanned into FLAME for THIS time.

Wow. I'm stunned by Him right now.

--praise Him.

Thirsty in the Desert

You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. -Psalm 63:1-2


Sometimes I don't realize how thirsty I am until I go through the desert. Something about the dry and parched land reminds me how important water is. How much my body craves and needs it. And, I would suggest that we feel thirsty far more often than we feel hungry.


When I'm finished with an intense workout, I don't crave milk or soda or juice. I crave water. Cool water. When I'm busting it out at work staying at times hours in my patient's room, I often become quite thirsty and sometimes I ask a coworker to bring me some water.


However, often when I'm walking through a really dry place in my spiritual life, I forget to ask the Lord for His thirst quenching power. I forget He gives water breaks. I forget that He loves to give good gifts to His children. And sometimes, I even refuse His water. "Oh Lord… Couldn't you have brought me VOSS instead of Aquafina?"


Unfortunately, as I wonder why He isn't helping me, I reflect on all that He has done in times past. Usually, I'm not so focused on the times He has proven His faithfulness to ME, but I often can remember how He has proven faithful to OTHER people that I know.


"Ya know, Lord… You do everything for everyone else! You provided for his mission trip. You paid her electric bill. You gave him back double what he tithed. You brought her husband to her. They're going to have another baby. He went to school for free." The list goes on and on. 

But, "I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory." -Psalm 63:2


I go through these cycles often. Belief and disbelief. Faithful and faithless. Seeking and refusing. Acceptance and rejection. Thirsting and thirst quenched.


David cried out to the Lord and it probably would sound something like this in our modern day, "OH GOD, I AM SO THIRSTY FOR YOU. I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN IN A DESERT WALKING AROUND FOR A LIFETIME WITHOUT WATER. I REMEMBER WHAT YOU CAN DO, OH GOD! OH GOD!"


I mimic this cry, "Oh GOD! I am SO thirsty. I am SO thirsty! I have been walking along this dry, hot, parched desert land and I've found nothing to quench my thirst. I must be thirsty for You, oh God. It has to be true. I remember what You do, what You've done, and what You CAN do. Quench my thirst, Lord."


I have seen Him work in the sanctuary of my life. My heart is His sanctuary. It is where He dwells, and I cannot deny that He resides there. That He has done some very detailed work on my soul and in my spirit. I have beheld His power and His glory in my life and in the lives of those I know. He has proven Himself faithful time and time again. He has shown His unfailing love to me in countless ways and in ways that I may never even know about.


My Lord,


Thank you for this desert. Thank you for reminding me how thirsty I am for you. For revealing that only You can quench that thirst. Thank you for your continued patience with me. Thank you for leading me to water even if I still wander seekingly through the desert. I am thirsty for You. I am longing for You, all of you. God, I have seen you in my sanctuary and I have beheld your power and your glory over and over and over again. You are GOOD. And, I love you. Grow my love for you and help me to see you in everything all of the time!


Amen