haha, so it's been over a month since my last update. Quite a bit has happened. I moved into my apartment, started nursing school, and am fixing to begin volunteering at my fantastic church! I pretty much have decided that there is a time and reason for everything and although everyone goes through things, somehow God continues to provide because we all just keep going. Life can throw us curve balls but it's how hard we hit them that matters.
At a college bonfire I attended last night, one of the quotes made was this, "A person is only worth what someone is willing to pay for them." If you think about that for a second you can see how true that is. Well, how privileged are we to have the Son of God die for us. He paid the greatest price anyone can pay or even would be willing to pay. Wow...
My devotions are coming along well. I'm trying to make sure that I spend quality time with my Father in Heaven.
Goodnight. Maybe more later!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Life
I'm at my Aunt's house, so if my post randomly stops it is because I had to go home and I'll finish it later.
I quit my job. Ya, the one I had for four years. It became too much. Well, that's what I thought, but what I think is really true is this: I am out of my mind. I mean, I have known that I've been struggling and all lately, but ya know, I had no idea that depression might seriously be what has been going on with me. I had been denying it I think. I mean, I began to see the trend in my going to bed super super late (like 3 a.m.) and then the everyday sleeping until 1:30 pm or later. That is just completely not me and when I get up it's like it takes every bit of energy to stay awake. Today I slept until 2:30 in the afternoon. I mean, What on EaRtH is happening to me?
I'm going to make a better commitment to Christ. Because I know that has to happen. But it's so hard. No lie. I need a vacation. I also know that vacationing for a little while isn't going to help me because I thought quitting work would help and now I realize that working is what kept me going. I don't even really know why I'm so depressed. I mean, maybe God is just telling me to get up and begin to move on. I mean, really I just don't know.
If anyone is reading this, please pray for my parents. They're really struggling financially. It's sad. And I hate it that I can't help them out.
Goodbye for now.
I quit my job. Ya, the one I had for four years. It became too much. Well, that's what I thought, but what I think is really true is this: I am out of my mind. I mean, I have known that I've been struggling and all lately, but ya know, I had no idea that depression might seriously be what has been going on with me. I had been denying it I think. I mean, I began to see the trend in my going to bed super super late (like 3 a.m.) and then the everyday sleeping until 1:30 pm or later. That is just completely not me and when I get up it's like it takes every bit of energy to stay awake. Today I slept until 2:30 in the afternoon. I mean, What on EaRtH is happening to me?
I'm going to make a better commitment to Christ. Because I know that has to happen. But it's so hard. No lie. I need a vacation. I also know that vacationing for a little while isn't going to help me because I thought quitting work would help and now I realize that working is what kept me going. I don't even really know why I'm so depressed. I mean, maybe God is just telling me to get up and begin to move on. I mean, really I just don't know.
If anyone is reading this, please pray for my parents. They're really struggling financially. It's sad. And I hate it that I can't help them out.
Goodbye for now.
Monday, July 14, 2008
a rough one
Ugh man...
I have had a rough rough day. First of all, there has been so much crap going on at work lately and I just got really sick of it. So I decided to quit, now that I have acquired enough money to pay for my apartment payments. I'm tired of it and I do not have to put up with it now that I have the loan and stuff coming through. I just really want to give up right now, no lie. I'm tired. I feel like I've just been run through the ringer. Maybe it's because I need a break.
Well, after I told my boss that I needed to go ahead and finish out this coming week and then be done, I came back home and got raked over the coals about my decision from my surrounding family members. I blew up and didn't handle the situation the way I needed to.
I'll be honest with you, there's a part of me that absolutely cannot imagine life without God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. But there's another part of me that feels like He can totally do without me. I know that we should base things off of our own convictions. And ya know, regarding the rapture and all and standing ready... well, I just don't know about myself. I feel like I have good intent, but I fail at almost every single thing I do. It's discouraging.
I feel depressed, crazy, and stressed. And I just don't know anymore.
Maybe I'm freakin Bipolar.
Goodnight.
I have had a rough rough day. First of all, there has been so much crap going on at work lately and I just got really sick of it. So I decided to quit, now that I have acquired enough money to pay for my apartment payments. I'm tired of it and I do not have to put up with it now that I have the loan and stuff coming through. I just really want to give up right now, no lie. I'm tired. I feel like I've just been run through the ringer. Maybe it's because I need a break.
Well, after I told my boss that I needed to go ahead and finish out this coming week and then be done, I came back home and got raked over the coals about my decision from my surrounding family members. I blew up and didn't handle the situation the way I needed to.
I'll be honest with you, there's a part of me that absolutely cannot imagine life without God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. But there's another part of me that feels like He can totally do without me. I know that we should base things off of our own convictions. And ya know, regarding the rapture and all and standing ready... well, I just don't know about myself. I feel like I have good intent, but I fail at almost every single thing I do. It's discouraging.
I feel depressed, crazy, and stressed. And I just don't know anymore.
Maybe I'm freakin Bipolar.
Goodnight.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Just to please Him?
It's been like 2 months since I put anything up here. Funny, last post I was completing my last final and today is the 5 week marker for when I move into my apt and start my third semester of college, the first one in nursing. Scary but oh so ready!!! I am ready to get back into my church. I call it my church, but really, it's not yet. I wish I knew more people there. It seems like every other church in that sense. The clicks, and yet again, another church with no college class. hmmm... I feel like I do know and am ahead of some others when it comes to the Word of God. I probably get that from my Daddy. He's really good at interpreting and breaking down the Bible. Not that I know even an eighth of what he does, but really, I don't think anyone else understands the Bible like he does. I'm proud of him. I also really love my mom. We really don't get along very well, but there are reasons for that, both my own and hers. Really, if you think about it, most families wouldn't stick together after being through what ours has. I mean, really.
Anyway, on to a new subject.
"Just to please Him"
Seriously, my life is not lived like that. I named this blog that after wanting with everything I was to just please my Savior. I just want to be someone He looks down at and smiles, but ya know, I sin a whole lot. Does everyone? Sure... but somehow the way my sin separates me from God hurts. Now, I know that technically God doesn't see our sin, because He looks THROUGH Jesus. However, I know Jesus sees what I've done. What's hilarious about this is that I act as though this particular sin I know about and me only. I just talked to a friend the other night and finally confessed it to her. Turns out she's going through the same thing. Can two people going through the same sin and situation really help each other out? Can they hold each other accountable? Can they Please Him? No, not at all. We each need help individually. That would require me telling someone else about this disgusting sin. Will I do it? ...Idk...
Lord Jesus,
I have shamed You. I still shame you. I'm sorry, but ya know, I can't promise I won't do it again. I can't. I would probably be lying. I love you, but I can't please you. I can't make you proud of me. And I'm sorry.
Kayla
Anyway, on to a new subject.
"Just to please Him"
Seriously, my life is not lived like that. I named this blog that after wanting with everything I was to just please my Savior. I just want to be someone He looks down at and smiles, but ya know, I sin a whole lot. Does everyone? Sure... but somehow the way my sin separates me from God hurts. Now, I know that technically God doesn't see our sin, because He looks THROUGH Jesus. However, I know Jesus sees what I've done. What's hilarious about this is that I act as though this particular sin I know about and me only. I just talked to a friend the other night and finally confessed it to her. Turns out she's going through the same thing. Can two people going through the same sin and situation really help each other out? Can they hold each other accountable? Can they Please Him? No, not at all. We each need help individually. That would require me telling someone else about this disgusting sin. Will I do it? ...Idk...
Lord Jesus,
I have shamed You. I still shame you. I'm sorry, but ya know, I can't promise I won't do it again. I can't. I would probably be lying. I love you, but I can't please you. I can't make you proud of me. And I'm sorry.
Kayla
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I'm awake, Satan...
Oh Hello! :)
I just completed 2 of my 5 finals and I did 1 last night, and 1 a few weeks ago, so ya know what that means?? I only have ONE left! Oh what a relief. It's tomorrow morning at 10:30 am. And then I get to go home! Yay!
I'm SO excited about what God is doing in my life. I'm taking the rest of the day to reflect on His mercy and goodness. Not a single person can understand what it feels like to be forgiven until you go through sinning for so long and then realize what a stronghold Satan has on your life and choose to ask for forgiveness. The thing that kept me from asking for forgiveness for so long was thinking that I had messed up too bad to really receive forgiveness. I thought that God wouldn't forgive me, plain, pure, and simple. However, I have learned through the people God has placed in my life and from reading His word that He is faithful and just to forgive us if we ask and show genuine concern in returning to His arms.
6 days ago, as I was studying for a test, I had my praise and worship music playing in the background. It was low and just there for the peacefulness. When suddenly, I was overwhelmed with the Holy Spirit. I knew God was in the midst of me and I felt like crying crying crying. It had been almost a year since really basking in His presence. (When living in Sin, you can't experience all of Him.) I was actually scared at first because I didn't know why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Basically, it was because I was 'sitting' on Holy Ground. He was in my dorm room amidst the noise my roommate was creating and amidst the English papers strung around me. So, I decided to stop and listen to what God had to tell me.
And this is what He had to say:
(I'm gonna paraphrase)
"Kayla, I have something for you to do. I'm calling you to prayer. I am coming soon, and I want my people to be prayed up and ready. I wish for you to begin a prayer/worship night at FGBC. I want you to facilitate it and I want it to be a night dedicated to those who want to hear from Me. I will work things out in your favor. Just do what I say."
My reply:
"Oh Lord, FGBC? I can't go back there. I've been hurt. The people judge me. I feel out of place. I love my new church with all my heart. I'm learning there. If I start a prayer service, won't I have to attend there regularly? I have hard feelings toward members of that church. I'm working on those, but some are still there. I'm not in a position to do this, Lord."
God:
" Kayla, didn't I tell you I would work it out in your favor. Do these on Saturday nights at 7 o'clock. Even if there isn't a big crowd, I will move. Continue to seek My face on the matter. I will guide you. I will make your pastor approachable and will be working in His heart. Do not be anxious or afraid because I will give you the words to say. Test everything Kayla. Love with all your heart. I will be made perfect in you."
Yea, intense right? I argued and argued but still God won! ;) That's alright though. So, for the past week or so, I've been praying and praying and praying about this. I want to do the will of God so much. I definitely do not want to ignore Him in this issue. There are so many more specifics but for the sake of certain people, I'll keep them to myself. Not bad, just not necessary knowledge for all.
I know I probably don't have any readers, but it feels good to just type up what is going on in my life.
I love God, with all my heart. And I want to give Him more of me and more of me every single day I awake breathing.
I got a good email from my friend, and it read, "Live your life in such a way, that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no...she's awake!"
:) Have a good one.
I just completed 2 of my 5 finals and I did 1 last night, and 1 a few weeks ago, so ya know what that means?? I only have ONE left! Oh what a relief. It's tomorrow morning at 10:30 am. And then I get to go home! Yay!
I'm SO excited about what God is doing in my life. I'm taking the rest of the day to reflect on His mercy and goodness. Not a single person can understand what it feels like to be forgiven until you go through sinning for so long and then realize what a stronghold Satan has on your life and choose to ask for forgiveness. The thing that kept me from asking for forgiveness for so long was thinking that I had messed up too bad to really receive forgiveness. I thought that God wouldn't forgive me, plain, pure, and simple. However, I have learned through the people God has placed in my life and from reading His word that He is faithful and just to forgive us if we ask and show genuine concern in returning to His arms.
6 days ago, as I was studying for a test, I had my praise and worship music playing in the background. It was low and just there for the peacefulness. When suddenly, I was overwhelmed with the Holy Spirit. I knew God was in the midst of me and I felt like crying crying crying. It had been almost a year since really basking in His presence. (When living in Sin, you can't experience all of Him.) I was actually scared at first because I didn't know why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Basically, it was because I was 'sitting' on Holy Ground. He was in my dorm room amidst the noise my roommate was creating and amidst the English papers strung around me. So, I decided to stop and listen to what God had to tell me.
And this is what He had to say:
(I'm gonna paraphrase)
"Kayla, I have something for you to do. I'm calling you to prayer. I am coming soon, and I want my people to be prayed up and ready. I wish for you to begin a prayer/worship night at FGBC. I want you to facilitate it and I want it to be a night dedicated to those who want to hear from Me. I will work things out in your favor. Just do what I say."
My reply:
"Oh Lord, FGBC? I can't go back there. I've been hurt. The people judge me. I feel out of place. I love my new church with all my heart. I'm learning there. If I start a prayer service, won't I have to attend there regularly? I have hard feelings toward members of that church. I'm working on those, but some are still there. I'm not in a position to do this, Lord."
God:
" Kayla, didn't I tell you I would work it out in your favor. Do these on Saturday nights at 7 o'clock. Even if there isn't a big crowd, I will move. Continue to seek My face on the matter. I will guide you. I will make your pastor approachable and will be working in His heart. Do not be anxious or afraid because I will give you the words to say. Test everything Kayla. Love with all your heart. I will be made perfect in you."
Yea, intense right? I argued and argued but still God won! ;) That's alright though. So, for the past week or so, I've been praying and praying and praying about this. I want to do the will of God so much. I definitely do not want to ignore Him in this issue. There are so many more specifics but for the sake of certain people, I'll keep them to myself. Not bad, just not necessary knowledge for all.
I know I probably don't have any readers, but it feels good to just type up what is going on in my life.
I love God, with all my heart. And I want to give Him more of me and more of me every single day I awake breathing.
I got a good email from my friend, and it read, "Live your life in such a way, that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no...she's awake!"
:) Have a good one.
Monday, May 12, 2008
The Grace of God...
I don't have much time, due to studying for finals and my personal Bible study that remains unstarted. However, I just want to take the time to remind everyone how gracious our Heavenly Father is. I cannot imagine life without Him.
Another reminder,
Lifting our hands in worship doesn't make us a worshipper.
Simply reading our Bible at night doesn't make us closer to God.
And praying before bedtime doesn't mean our prayers are being heard.
We have to have a heart of genuinity. God does NOT bless those who talk one way but walk another. I've learned this first hand and have only recently chosen to really walk the straight path. So many verses have applied to me lately. I've struggled with a very real issue and it's taken me FAR from God. I have been hurt, and I have hurt others. I'm so sorry for this and so ashamed of my sin. I hated who I was. Through much prayer and supplication I have realized that forgiveness can pertain to me.
Oh, Heavenly Father, how amazing are you. You see through my very being into the heart that so desperately cries out for You. In these approaching times be with me and those that surround me. Don't pull Your hand from us, O God. We need you every hour. Bless Your Holy Name. Do not let me lose sight of Your Mercy and Grace and goodness. I have been a blessed recipient of all three and only wish to return so much more than I ever could to You.
With Love, and Prayers for troubled times.
Kay
Another reminder,
Lifting our hands in worship doesn't make us a worshipper.
Simply reading our Bible at night doesn't make us closer to God.
And praying before bedtime doesn't mean our prayers are being heard.
We have to have a heart of genuinity. God does NOT bless those who talk one way but walk another. I've learned this first hand and have only recently chosen to really walk the straight path. So many verses have applied to me lately. I've struggled with a very real issue and it's taken me FAR from God. I have been hurt, and I have hurt others. I'm so sorry for this and so ashamed of my sin. I hated who I was. Through much prayer and supplication I have realized that forgiveness can pertain to me.
Oh, Heavenly Father, how amazing are you. You see through my very being into the heart that so desperately cries out for You. In these approaching times be with me and those that surround me. Don't pull Your hand from us, O God. We need you every hour. Bless Your Holy Name. Do not let me lose sight of Your Mercy and Grace and goodness. I have been a blessed recipient of all three and only wish to return so much more than I ever could to You.
With Love, and Prayers for troubled times.
Kay
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Pre-Finals week
So, I haven't posted in this blog in FOREVER, but I was thinking that I need to start it back up again. I like talking to people, and considering Xanga is gone (like forever ago) and I really don't post stuff on myspace or facebook, I've decided to pick up blogging again. I like it. And, I like reading about other people's day, so maybe someone would like to look into mine...
My roommate is really killin me. It's 11:10 pm and she is watching wildfire on TV. These dorms are not big at all!! I can hear everything. Plus, she still will go and take a shower and brush her teeth and do everything as loud as possible. Ugh, sometimes I remember God is teaching me patience, even though sleep is something I love dearly.
I took my Lab Final for Chemistry tonight. I passed, with a 61 percent. Ya, I know, right?! I've never made that bad of a grade. But I guess there is a first for everything. If I make a zero on my lecture final which is worth 220 points, I will make a 72 in the class. I really need at least a 75, and an 80 would be really great. So, if you're reading this, pray I do will.
Plans for tomorrow include, but are not limited to, the following:
My roommate is really killin me. It's 11:10 pm and she is watching wildfire on TV. These dorms are not big at all!! I can hear everything. Plus, she still will go and take a shower and brush her teeth and do everything as loud as possible. Ugh, sometimes I remember God is teaching me patience, even though sleep is something I love dearly.
I took my Lab Final for Chemistry tonight. I passed, with a 61 percent. Ya, I know, right?! I've never made that bad of a grade. But I guess there is a first for everything. If I make a zero on my lecture final which is worth 220 points, I will make a 72 in the class. I really need at least a 75, and an 80 would be really great. So, if you're reading this, pray I do will.
Plans for tomorrow include, but are not limited to, the following:
- Shower and get ready
- Study for Lab Quiz in Anatomy and Physio
- Study for Lab Test in A&P
- Go to Human Growth and Development
- Study in lab for A&P test
- Study for A&P Lecture Test
- Study for Chem lecture test
- Type up 100 Human Growth vocab terms to study for final
- Create my outline for English Comp II
Yea, a lot of stuff to do, I know.
Also, I need to figure out something to do about all this acne I got going on.
Again, I'm starting a diet the day I get out of school for the summer. 60 pounds is my goal weight loss for now! Definitely more for later, but 60 as a a goal for now! I'm so excited. I've been pumped about going to work out for a while now! Plus, my aunt is gonna do it with me, so that is something pretty cool!! We're gonna act as our own lil personal trainers!
Well, it's been good to be back, Talk later....
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