"Exactly where is my...

...money?" It's something I've been asking SBU for several weeks now. Then, I find out yesterday that the reason I don't have it is all my fault anyway. I hadn't signed the promissory note. But, I thought I had... oh it's not really worth rehashing. Long story, and boring. :-)

Well, anyway, I've been living on next to nothing since returning from El Salvador the last day in July. I literally have not had cash in my wallet since then. My family has been so generous in loaning me money, but it's been in small amounts at a time, and gas is well...expensive. That, and I am not always the greatest at budgeting. Although, that is so going to change. I have a lot to return to my family, and a few other things to financially take care of. . . and then, maybe I will be able to focus on something else.

The reason for writing this blog is about to make itself known.

Today, I went to pick up a check that SBU wrote out as a cash advance type thing. They know my money is coming, so they are just helping me out a bit. So I drove up to Bolivar knowing that the check would be ready for me after 1:30pm. I got there a tad early, so I just hung out listening to music in my car. Thinking. . . Around that time, I went to get my money. :) After receiving my check with no problem, I went to my car and almost screamed out loud in excitement! As I was unlocking my car, God pierced my spirit and immediately I heard Him speak, Do you trust in this to take care of you? Do you find it alarming that you put so much faith into a material thing? I immediately reevaluated my response to receiving the money in such a relieving-type way. Because, I realized that I was doing exactly what I had never wanted to do again. This being, putting joy and less stress in the fact that I had money. Not that money isn't necessary to live on, and not that God doesn't bless us with it. But, I literally acquainted how safe I felt with how much money I had. Which is so wrong. God has gone before me and been my rear guard my entire life, and I have not felt it moreso than these past few months.

Anyway, to some, it might seem a little crazy that I place so much importance on this. But, what is most important is that it was spoken to me. Not everyone will God deal with the same. For me, it was to make sure I wasn't placing so much trust in such a material, unreliable item. Never have I been more ready and willing to do some serious life changing things. Budgeting, here I come!

WOW! :)

Church was SO great this morning. The sermon was one that encouraged people who were not in a life group to get in one. It also reminded us that are in life groups the benefits of staying in one. Pastor Scotty made a great point. You wouldn't take a job based on the negative things it came with; You would take a job based on the benefits you received from it. This is an awfully short way to put it, but I am terrible at summing things up well.

AnYwAy, I was so encouraged at church this morning. I think just being in the House of God this morning is what did it. Coming to the conclusion earlier on in the week that I was done being rather selfish about church and what I expected from it played a vital role in this morning for me. I am so grateful for connections and divine appointments God has done for me. I sometimes measure how in tune with God I am with how much I perceive He is working in my life. I know, ridiculous... But it's sometimes how I think. But I'm trying to really change my viewpoint from this distorted untruth to the fact that when I do what I am supposed to do such as pray, read the Word, and spend time intimately with my Savior, He is indeed still transforming every fiber of my heart.

Life Group is tonight! I am so very very excited for it tonight! :-D

xoxo

Back in the game!

I have been SUCH a procrastinator lately. Not just school or good rest time... but to church and friends time. It still feels a little weird. School definitely makes life a bit more of a routine, but it has not been one easily settled into. Still struggling a bit with moving in with a family of six. They are soooo good to me, and amazing people! I am so blessed.

I've avoided church a lot lately. I don't think that's common for those who come back from life changing missions for God. But for some reason, loneliness absolutely gripped my heart. I'm sure satan had a good work in this, and I could definitely feel it. But the point is, no more. I went to a Designed For Life meeting last night. (DFL is a women's conference my church is putting on and I'm volunteering.) They talked a lot about how much the women coming to this conference are loved, and how much they want to be able to spread Christ's love to them so they can share it with others. The end goal of course being new souls on their way to Heaven! And after a rather stressful day, this tiny sprout of, "Oh yeah, that's why I'm here... To show LOVE!" popped up into my head, it just all came back.

I'm here. Not to sit. Not to stand and mope. But to MOVE. To RISE UP. No part is too small. Through the love and will of Christ, I can most definitely be a part of changing lives. As I type this up, I'm thinking to myself how ridiculous it is that I was lied to about these things. Be careful friends, because Satan is so very sneaky. Your thoughts are so very controlling and it only takes one time of letting your guard down for him to slip in.

Be encouraged. 1 John 4:4 says, "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." I am definitely encouraged by this!

You are so loved!

Speak Louder

Hollla!
So, I know it's been like a good while since I've updated. Four short days after my last post, I started classes. I guess that's a good indicator of why I've been MIA. I guess you could say I've been a POW. :-)

Not a lot has gone on since last update. School has sucked most of my time. Between school, childcare, and church, August was especially busy. September has slowed a bit and become a tad more organized, but school.. oh man, what craziness!

I guess what I'd like to talk about tonight is the importance of staying in your Bible.

We all fall short of that goal to get up and read every morning before we start our day. I have. I have a lot actually. And, I'm feeling it. Without starting your day with Christ, it's as if you skip out on your spiritual Wheaties. How do I go through my day without having on the armor of God, without being equipped by the scriptures for spiritual readiness and warfare, and how do I go without the remembrance of God's holy love wrapped around my heart?

For me, I have to be reminded daily of how much I mean to God. Without His steady Spirit, calm voice, and firm guidance I am nothing. I am worth nothing to my colleagues, patients, and instructors. I have been experiencing difficulty sleeping, anxiety throughout my days, and a poor attitude about church. It's as if I've transformed into a different person entirely. Tonight, it finally hit me as to why I have been feeling like this. I have been relying on myself. I've become more independent than when I was with Convoy in the summer. Dependence on God and God alone is what allowed all the doors to open to me. I trusted Him, and He knew I trusted Him with everything I had. Now, however, I've resorted back to this thinking of I am in control.

A little update on me. Nothing too interesting. But, I've been meaning to update for a while.

Love you guys/Praying for you.
Kayla

Eat this!

Wow, what a week this has been! Such a time of change and development. I've grown up a little bit more in these past few ways. I'm 20 years old... kinda have been for a while, and it's time to face the fact that I really am growing up. I mean, I've always wanted a professional life. I want to be that person that others look to for answers, and I want to be a role model. A Godly role model. One that no matter what I do in my life, others will see that I am mature in Christ, mature in mind... God has blessed me this year perhaps moreso than in any other year of my life. And, His blessings continue to be poured out upon me. Why? Because He loves me.

I've never been very comfortable with hugs and kisses. (Unless they're from grandparents...) :-) And, I'm not a 'flirter' or one known to do any chasing boys. I've never quite understood guys my own age. And, I don't know of any single man at this moment that I would come close to dating. My view of men in general hasn't always been very healthy. I realized that this past year when my roommate and I were talking. I spilled how I really feel about men in general. Here are a few adjectives I usually use (remember it's a general feeling...not anybody in particular): hardworking, cowardly, and selfish. And, although I need to work with those feelings, these past few months I have been surrounded by people that don't show their selfish love. They have been showing Christ's love. There's a very real difference.

Christ's love cares. Genuinely cares about where you're headed. It invests in who you are as a being. It shows you how much God loves you. I've learned a LOT about myself, others, service, leadership, and more. But, one that sticks out to me more than anything else is how much God loves me. He loves me, no strings attached. He loves me way more than any earthly man could. He is my guide through the Bible, prayer, dreams, and other people. Because of God's love, I look at myself differently. I never thought I was worthy of such high devotion. Rephrase: I never thought anyone could be devoted to me the way I was devoted to God and that no one could ever lead me like I needed to be lead in Christ. And, why even expect something like that from a man. But then I realized that God is way more devoted to me than I could ever be to Him, and who better to lead me than Himself? And, if anything, God wants that man for me, too. COOL!

I'll leave you with a quote from a book I read this summer that helped create this view of knocking out fears. It says something like this, "God wants you to get where God wants you to go way more than you want to get where God wants you to go." And, He wants me to be happy.

So, eat that devil.

Just a Prayer...

Hey God,
I'm finding it increasingly difficult to scrounge myself out of bed in the morning. Must get on a better sleeping regimen before school starts. So many things are floating in and out of my small brain. So many things need deep thought, and serious prayer time with You. I find myself just ignoring them because I don't want to go through the frustration of possibly making the wrong decision and causing turmoil in the end. God, please grant me the wisdom to take care of all of these things. Give me a heart that can understand other's opinions, but the strength to stand firm in what You have spoken into me. Keep Your hand on my emotions, as they need Your controlling. Walk with me through all that is ahead. Give me patience, God. Your patience.

God, I read today again that You have given us a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. Not one of timidity. I pray moreso that if there is timidity inside of my life, that you gently continue to replace it with more of the three. I believe You will/are doing this. Thank you and I praise You for it.

Father, I pray for this back pain I've been in for over a week now. I'm not sure what I did to it, but I do know it's causing me a lot of pain I could live without. Please place Your hand in the situation and heal what is all jumbled up back there! I know You can, as You are the ultimate physician. Thank You for being a great doctor!

Lord, I pray for all of my friends, and those who have supported me over the past several months. If they've recently experienced the loss of a loved one, I pray that you comfort them, and show them a peace that surpasses all understanding, and that you give them strength to continue with life. If they or someone they know is facing an illness, I pray healing into that situation. God, YOU HEAL. I've seen it over and over, and I pray that you stop cancer cells from splitting, and that You restore function to body parts that have lost it, and I pray that you bind Satan from attacking minds with depression and anxiety, as this is not from You. More than all, I pray a blessing upon each one of their lives, their children's lives, their relatives lives, their marriages, their workplace, and more. I thank You. I know that You bless those who bless others!

God, as I get up and start my day, give me patience. Today, I want to radiate the same kind of patience You have. I want to shine You today through specifically patience.

In Your Name I Pray,
Amen y Amen

Opportunities

There were so many opportunities set before me that I got to think about while being away this summer. Leadership opportunities at Realife, a sizable clientel of people to babysit for, a job at a reputable Christian book store, working with administration of JamesRiver, and others. I told just about all of them that I was going to have to pray about all of these. Obviously, with school, I can't do all of them. It would be a lot of haphazardness going on because I wouldn't be able to fully dedicate to any one of them. So, I prayed and sought God most earnestly regarding one particular opportunity. One that would be fun, challenging, growing, and it would add a bit to my schedule.

Toward the end of the trip, I was becoming a tad concerned with the fact that I hadn't really heard from God regarding this opportunity. So, I sat down on my bed with my Bible, prayed, and began to read. As I read, I begged God to work on my heart, and help me solve my dilemma. Before I even left for the trip, I was feeling a bit hesitant about the opportunity. But, it deserved a ton of prayer before making any decisions. And, to be quite honest, I still haven't made a decision. But I read this:

"Everything is permissible"- but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"- but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

1 Corinthians 10:23-24

Now, for you theologians, I understand this doesn't exactly fit in the correct context of what I am dealing with, but at the same time it kinda does. Like, this opportunity doesn't lay an obvious disclaimer such as "Sin or not sin" because then it would be easy to choose what to do. This verse helped clarify a few thoughts. 1. It IS a permissible thing. 2. It may/may not be beneficial to them/me. 3. I truly do want to seek what is best for them.

Join me in praying regarding this.

Second thing of the day, I can't help but continue to think about Carmen. The lady I wrote about a bit ago while I was in El Salvador. God only knows how much I want to go back there. And, if I allow myself to really dwell and think about it, I grow so sad. I kind of feel like I abandoned them. There's so much more I would want to do with the people we worked with. I want to pray for them. Like physically lay hands on them, and cry out to God pleading their case. I pray for them throughout the day while I'm here, but it just isn't the same. I'm not sure why Carmen continues to come to my mind, but so many lessons were learned by her example.

Here are a few thoughts that come to mind when I hear the name Carmen:
1. selfless

2. in pain

3. uninformed about medication she is on

4. worth far more than rubies

5. so alive

I could go on, but I won't. She is still so fresh and vivid in my memory even though it has been over two weeks since meeting her. Will the people who read this please say a prayer for her. That her body would be healed and strengthened as she strives to care for her 50+ year old son. That as the seasons begin to change in El Salvador, she would be taken care of. That someone knowledgeable would take control of the medication issue.

Here's a photo of this Carmen. My sister in Jesus. I can't ask you enough. Please pray for her and her son.

When I look at this picture, all those opportunities I'm in the process of having to sort through...they don't matter. I don't want any of them. I just want to be with her and her people. I know that isn't reality, and I will face the things that await me here...

...i really don't want to, though.