covered or sprinkled

There are so many sounds in this world. Though I hear Mercy's "Code Blue" sound infrequently, it's one that I can hear long after it stops screaming. There's a life on the line. A heart pump that threatens to quit. Two lungs that are tempted to stop exchanging. Two eyes that stare straight at you, with pinpoint pupils. Sometimes, you wish you didn't see those eyes. They tend to speak to you.

On the drive home, you re-evaluate the situation. Tonight, my heart breaks for families of ceasing loved ones. The anguish all throughout their body. The hand forgets what it's touching. The face wracks unconsolably. The foot shakes uncontrollably. The soul tears a little. Shock rips through their brain. I watch and I want to hold them. I want to let them beat upon my chest and yell out, "Why, dear God, why?!"

And he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21 (ESV).

We all end up in the ground covered in dirt or sprinkled in the ocean. Tonight, I'm extra aware of that.

the music heals

It's the soft whisper of a piano, classic. The keys merge to bring melodious waves of refreshing. Breezes of harmony brought in the anticipation of the ascent toward climactic performance.

A chaotic clash in the midst of a noted story. Favorite part for a musician to play, and the longest to perfect. But when it becomes flawless, the triumph of completion overwhelms.

And the descent is approached with such delicacy. Such caution to ensure the listener is left with a deep relieving sigh.

Music ensembles heal. The hearer's heartbeat quickens and slows with each crescendo and decrescendo. The lungs expand deeply and collapse silently. Calming restoration of the mind begins and useless thoughts are removed. The soul is soothed from the challenges of the day.

Music heals. It removes and restores. It quickens and it calms. It forces and it relaxes. It heals.

Lean In

"Lean into the pain. Stay there in the questions, in the doubts, in the wonderings and loneliness, the tension of now-and-not-yet until you are satisfied that God is there, too. You will not find your answers by ignoring, by living a life of intellectual or spiritual dishonesty. Your fear will try to hold you back, your tension will increase, the pain will become intense and it will be tempting to keep clinging tight. So be gentle with yourself. Be gentle. Lean in. Stay there. And then the release will come." -Sarah Bessey

I'm numb. Purposefully so. So much hurt and disappointment in the past. And following Jesus isn't supposed to hurt, right? Or am I so wrong with that? Tonight, my church held a healing service. This is not a frequent occurrence. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's the first one I have been to. Hundreds and hundreds of people lined up to be prayed for. I heard one girl praying loudly for the one in front of her; storming the gates of Heaven for an answer. I began to breathe faster and pick at my cuticles. I thought, "How, dear Jesus, how do I believe in this again?" I didn't get a reply, and I had to mentally force myself to not panic while sitting in the middle of a long aisle in a big church.

Prayer and healing; two of the biggest passions of my [former] life. I prayed like that girl. I believed God would heal. But, then He didn't. ...and He didn't again. ...and He didn't again. And with weak faith, I stopped a lot of things, and apparently believing in prayer and healing was one of them. Maybe it's not even that I don't believe in them, but I now am certain He doesn't want me to be a part of the process. I am so far from being who He wants me to be. And sincerely, I am SO sorry about that. I've been trying. Really, I have. Trying really hard to love Him and to desire Him and to seek Him and to hear Him.

I've listened to so many people's advice. Including most of you who read this blog. I LISTEN to you. I hear you. And I try what you suggest. Even that isn't working. I need to just be who this is coming out of me for a little while. I want to let Him shape it and mold it according to His image. I love you, and I want you to be a part of this journey, because I am certain it has a positive end. But please, just don't judge me.

I scream on the inside. My heart pounds. My stomach flips. My head aches. and my heart feels like it cracks a little more. Jesus, You aren't supposed to hurt. You're supposed to help me.

Be with me, Jesus. Release me from this tension. I am weary from it. As I lean into this pain, teach me to breathe through it. I'm staying here, Jesus, until the breakthrough comes. No matter how painful.

repentance

Dear Jesus,

I'm better at writing stuff down than talking out loud. Here's the thing, I'm not really thrilled with all that's been happening in my heart, soul, and mind lately. I felt so let down by Your Dad. So shoved by the wayside. That my heart's desires didn't really matter to Him. And, as I'm sure you know, I've been doubting whether He truly is good. I set out to prove that He's not. But the wound has only gotten deeper and more infected. I was so wrong...

I see so many people around me that have a concerned look on their face, and their responses to my words are long and intense. So much so, that I don't even understand all that they mean. All that didn't matter to me for a long time, but now I'm just afraid. And though there are so many people saying they're here for me, I've never felt more alone and different.

I realize that I've chosen a lot to get myself in this position. Chosen to ignore any attempt You made to help me. I didn't fully understand the consequences of that until now. Now I find that even when I try to pray to You, the words just won't come.

But, the deal is, is that I know that this is a big spiritual battle. It was probably a lot smaller when it started, but by my allowance and the length, this has become so much bigger than I can fight alone. I'm sorry for what I've done and what I've allowed, and I really need Your help. I've made such a mess.

Amen

p.s. that was kinda hard to do.

jealous, much?

let's just call it like it is: i have major jealousy issues.

my view may be distorted, but what i see is a whole lot of happiness. my ridiculous, newly-turned, 18 year old sister is moving to texas in 3 weeks. first it was "sometime this year", then "in May", now it's "in 3 weeks." excuse me if i don't share her enthusiasm.

she's moving for a boy, who she's not engaged to, but they're "planning a wedding" for january, 2013. pardon, but shouldn't you be engaged officially before a date for a wedding is set? she doesn't even have her own vehicle.

what surfaces even more than anger at her retarded-ness, is my own freaking jealousy. she is 18 gosh dang years old! i am TWENTY-THREE, her older sister, and a maid. not that i'm only jealous that she's found her one, but i'm jealous because God is unfolding her dreams before her.

my middle sister is happily married. has a child, and is eagerly anticipating more children. i'm jealous of her. jealous that all she ever wanted has so easily been given to her.

why is He so slow to move? i've followed and done things that i always said i'd never do in pursuit of a dream birthed by Him. He said go to nursing school, i did. He said work on 6B, so i did. He said, have roommates, so i have. i've followed in faith that through obedience, this dream to leave the country and teach babies about Him, would come to fruition.

but it feels like He's just crapped on it. i'm stuck in a mountain high amount of student loans that i can barely keep up with. i've been stuck in mercy hospital for 2 miserable years. and i've had more roommates than i had diaper changes as a baby.

and my response is really wanting to crap on Him. i don't want to keep following this road blindly, just trusting that the "next turn" could be it. i don't want to pray "circles" around it believing that i'm "just a prayer away". because i've been doing that, and it's NOT working.

jealousy, it is ugly. but this is the truth.

quicksand and redemption - revised!

You've read and walked with me the past few months... Stay with me.

A few weeks ago, a close friend and I got into a major fight. With much more going on in my heart and mind than just this argument, I made a decision to react terribly. It's consequence: a hugely torn friendship. For three weeks, I could have cared less about ever repairing the friendship. Not because she didn't matter to me, but because I didn't have any energy to fight for good. I've learned that fighting for good takes a lot more strength than dwelling in the bad. It's easy to sink in quicksand. Getting out of it requires strength, patience, and...help.

Let me elaborate about quicksand. What is it and how is it created? "Quicksand is created when water saturates an area of loose sand and the ordinary sand is agitated. When the water trapped in the batch of sand can't escape, it creates liquefied soil that can no longer support weight."

How do you get out of quicksand? "If you ever find yourself in a pit of quicksand, don't worry -- it's not going to swallow you whole, and it's not as hard to escape from as you might think. The key is to not panic. Most people who drown in quicksand, or any liquid for that matter, are usually those who panic and begin flailing their arms and legs. The worst thing to do is to thrash around in the sand and move your arms and legs through the mixture. You will only succeed in forcing yourself farther down into the liquid sandpit. The best thing to do is to make slow movements and bring yourself to the surface, then just lie back. You'll float to a safe level. When you try pulling your leg out of quicksand, you are working against a vacuum left behind by the movement."

I feel as though I'm in quicksand. I've been thrashing around, flailing my arms, and resisting aid. Sometimes I found myself just wishing it would just suck me under. The slow process of coming up out of it seems too hard to fight for. Still too many questions unanswered. Still too much pride needing humbled. Still too much forgiveness I need to request.

I still question how the great big God of the universe could be so intertwined into my daily life. All the promises I stood on. Those words I thought were His to me... do they still apply?

Today, my friend and I talked. And, we're meeting up for dinner to talk some more. I prefaced our meeting for tonight with these words, "...i'll talk to you tonight, but I'm sorry for being such a jerky person and friend lately."

her unbelievable reply, "it's okay Kayla!!! I still love ya ;)"

I lost it, guys. I tried to stop the salty tears from running down my cheeks, but they simply wouldn't. I was shocked. She forgave me SO quickly. No justification...no hesitation. Just forgave.

It was then that I sensed in my heart, "if she, a human, can forgive such an ugly person as I, how much more can this God forgive me?" I've been so unwilling to surrender. So unwilling to ask forgiveness. "What if He doesn't forgive me? What if He punishes me by taking away His promises? What if He's no longer on my side anymore? I can't pray to Him. I'm still trying to decide whether or not He's for really REAL as I have been taught He is." and my brain spun and tears dripped off my chin. and people stared at me at starbucks.

i sensed the word redemption in my heart. So, I pulled up youversion.com and word searched redemption, then redeeming, then redeemed. I found these verses. Isaiah 44:22 struck me the hardest. I feel beckoned. But can I surrender? Can I trust fall into Him again? What if my mind thinks crazy things still? What if I still question and push away those who love me? What if I can never be who I was before this? What if I can't simply love like I could before? What if I'm radically different, but not in the good way?

Lamentations 3:58, "You have taken up my cause, O Lord; you have redeemed my life."

Psalm 31:5, "Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God."

Nehemiah 1:10, "They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand."

Isaiah 52:3, "You were sold for nothing, and you shall be redeemed without money."

Isaiah 35:9, "No lion shall be there, nor shall any ravenous beast come upon it; they shall not be found there, but the redeemed shall walk there."

Isaiah 44:22, "I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you."

what a day!

grasping at pleasure

Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the LORD and he will give you your heart's desires.

take: to hold, grasp, or grip.

delight: something that gives great pleasure.

"Grasp something that gives great pleasure...from Him."

is He trying to give me a gift?

coming off of my birthday week high, i've received more gifts than are countable. despite feeling super loved, i have a extremely high level of anxiety in my soul. at first, i thought it was the wine...or the sangria.

i'm still trying to figure out my heart's desire. that proverbial question, "what do you want?" i wish i could answer it. but, the truth is that i truly do not know what i want.

what strikes me about this verse is that before He even gives the desires of the heart, He requests me to take delight in Him. not gonna lie, that's been kinda hard lately. not because i feel like He's screwed me over or something... just because i simply find that i don't desire Him. i need to know why i'm feeling those feelings, though.

so i can fix it. so i can make it better.

if He is wanting to give me something of pleasure to grasp onto, what is it? what does it look like?

is He as pleasurable as you say?

it's harder without Him...

have you ever been... in a battle? you know... a spiritual battle?

i think i've been in one. actually, i'm pretty positive. as much as i hate to admit it...

i've been pretty angry lately...and foggy, and distant, and cynical. sarcastic, mean, and ugly. and though i've been writing to clear my head of all the junk floating around, i realized through some of my friends yesterday that it's really not cool to write it and post it for all the world to see.

so my response to that realization is this post.

yesterday, i felt like God gave me something to grasp. i knew Galatians was something i needed to read, (as i shared in yesterday's blog) and chapter three was literally like having a conversation with God.

Galatians 3:1-

God: "You crazy [Kayla]! Did someone put a hex on you?"

Me: "ummm, maybe."

God: "Have you taken leave of your senses?"

Me: "well, i have actually thought i had lost my mind..."

God: "Something crazy has happened..."

Me: "yes, yes it has!"

God: "...for it's obvious that you no longer have the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your [life]. His sacrifice on the Cross was certainly set before you clearly enough."

Me: "oh yea...i'm remembering now..."

i don't know what happened... "something crazy" according to Galatians... but, i do know i don't want this anymore. my choice to "explore other options than Him" days... i need them to be over with. it doesn't work. even though there's hard times with Him, it's harder without Him. (right there I wanted to add "harder without Him...i think." but i didn't.) there's a serious darkness out there. it does a lot of confusing. i've never been more confused...ever... than i've been lately. down to boldly questioning the very One's existence.

please acknowledge that I am, indeed, probably crazy. So, in two days if a post contradicts what this one says, just be patient with me. i'm working it out... i'm not sure exactly what i want. it changes with each breath.

but realizing this... He's gotta be constant. otherwise, my exploration to prove otherwise would have obtained validation. but it hasn't. He's the constant. I'm the variable.

i'm seeing His constant through my friends who are like... loving me... even when i've shot arrows at the God they love and serve.

so weird!

it's not about me.

it's not about me.

by choosing Christ, i am to choose selflessness. i had coffee with a friend today. i thought she had sincerely been ignoring me. but she hadn't been. i love you, friend.

on my drive home, i could barely wait to type. i had "Galatians" on my mind. so i opened it up (on youversion.com) and in the MSG and started to read.

and it hit me deep and hard. Galatians 3.

1 You crazy Galatians! Did someone put a hex on you? Have you taken leave of your senses? Something crazy has happened, for it's obvious that you no longer have the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your lives. His sacrifice on the Cross was certainly set before you clearly enough.

2 Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's Message to you?3 Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it?4 Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!

I don't even really know what to add to this, because it's just so clear. So, I'll continue.

5 Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust him to do them in you?6 Don't these things happen among you just as they happened with Abraham? He believed God, and that act of belief was turned into a life that was right with God.

7 Is it not obvious to you that persons who put their trust in Christ (not persons who put their trust in the law!) are like Abraham: children of faith?8 It was all laid out beforehand in Scripture that God would set things right with non-Jews by faith. Scripture anticipated this in the promise to Abraham: "All nations will be blessed in you."

9 So those now who live by faith are blessed along with Abraham, who lived by faith-this is no new doctrine!10 And that means that anyone who tries to live by his own effort, independent of God, is doomed to failure. Scripture backs this up: "Utterly cursed is every person who fails to carry out every detail written in the Book of the law."

Cursed? My sole goal has been to live by my own effort the last few weeks, maybe months... doomed to failure? oh crap. shall i go on?

11 The obvious impossibility of carrying out such a moral program should make it plain that no one can sustain a relationship with God that way. The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him. Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you. Habakkuk had it right: "The person who believes God, is set right by God-and that's the real life."

Whoa... what just happened??

i don't know what to title this

I just watched a movie. It's buzzing on Facebook. It's had 1,845,831 hits on YouTube. You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc #makekonyfamous

I won't go into what it's all about, because my words would not give it the justice it deserves.

This video gnaws at the core of who I am. To fight for justice for those who are too entangled and captured to free themselves. To love them.

I don't know much about the man who's behind all of this. Jason Russell is his name. He's making a difference. And in this video there was not ONE mention of God or Jesus or religion. Simply a seeking of justice.

In eight years, he has gotten far. He has empowered those around him to stand up and create an army of peace. And the US Government had no choice but to respond.

With God, I hear, "Wait." At least, with a lot of God's followers I hear, "Wait."

But what if we're not supposed to. Jason Russell didn't. He fought. And people are joining him.

Can we do more without God than with Him?

Theologically, and digging back to my roots, I hear a shouting, "no!"

But logically, with the evidence before me, my heart screams, "yes!"

I wish I could tell you what is happening in this mind and heart of mine. I can only write with words so much...

would it make you more comfortable?

if i talked about Jesus a lot on my blogs and how much i loved Him and how much good He was doing all around me, would it make you more comfortable?

if i talked lies about how much i trusted Him to take care of me and that i believed He wants good for me, would it make you more comfortable?

if talked about how the idea of humanitarian aid in other countries still sparked the beating muscle in my chest, but the thought of telling them about Jesus made me want to cry, would it make you uncomfortable?

if i talked scriptures from the Bible and made it apply to this here and now, would it make you more comfortable?

if i stopped the questions, and just took it for face value, would it make you more comfortable?

if i stopped asking you questions, and making you dig deep in your faith to find the answers, would it make you more comfortable?

just wondering.

my beating muscle

the truth has no power unless you believe in it.

this is something i've come to understand. i know there's God. i know the Bible is His inspired Word.

but when i hear people say, "i am nothing without Him." or "i'll follow Him regardless." or "i trust that He has me in His hands." to be honest... even if I wanted to believe it, I simply find that I cannot. it's lost it's power.

can i say this? too many times it seems like He's failed. He may not have failed you...yet. and maybe He won't. and maybe He hasn't failed me. but He only wants me to want what He wants. and what if I don't want that?

the idea that there is this big strong being way more than anything i've ever thought of up there controlling and directing the stars and asteroids and telling the ocean to stop where it is...it all seems a bit vague to me.

i used to just take it as they all said. it's truth. it must be. it's all i've ever been told. but logically, is that possible? and why would a God make a people that He loves, and then keep secrets from them? secrets of creation and of the future and of the present and of the past?

how does evil, in the eyes of the good-doers, come without repentance for so many? and how does good, in the eyes of good-doers, simply outweigh all the bad?

all this questioning, it makes my breathing quicken. i can feel my respirations increase per minute.

...but i'm still reading "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. and i'm still looking at scriptures. seeking for something...to satisfy this sucking black hole.

if He doesn't satisfy this beating muscle in my chest...will anything ever?

will He make it stop beating if I can't get this right?

"All I want is You to have Your way

You are the Potter and I am the clay

All I need is You to have Your way
You are Creator and I'm what You've made

Finally I Surrender

You are God. I am man. You are sovereign."

-Misty Edwards

"Choosing Your Faith" by Mark Mittelburg

an excerpt from "Choosing Your Faith" by Mark Mittelberg:

When I got to college, I came to the painful realization that I'd grown into my particular version of faith rather passively. I'd been raised believing in God, trusting in the Bible, and having faith that the church was the carrier of God's truth. And I had an unsubstantiated and naive confidence in the truth of all this.

Then I signed up for some philosophy classes. One of my professors, who was a religious man of a different stripe, seemed to delight in dismantling the simplistic beliefs of many of his Christian students-- and I felt like I was a favorite target. He skillfully pointed out problems with the Bible, with what he called "traditional views about God," and with most of the things I'd been taught to believe. His intellectual onslaught woke me up and made me face the fact that I'd bought into a belief system that I barely understood and had never critically analyzed.

I hardly knew how to respond, and I have to admit that my attempts to get better answers from some of the leaders at my church were generally disheartening. For example, I told one of my teachers that my faith was being assailed in school and that I needed a deeper understanding not only of what we believed, but also of why we thought it was correct.

"How do we know that the Bible is really true and that it is actually God's Word?" I asked. I'll never forget his reply: "Oh that's easy, it says right here in the New Testament that 'all scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness."

"Yes, but how do we know that what that says is true?" I replied.

"Because it says it is," he answered, "and it's God's Word."

"But that's the very question we're trying to answer," I shot back. "If all you do is appeal to the Bible's claims to prove that the Bible is true, then you're guilty of circular reasoning, and you've proved nothing."

He looked at me like he was certain I was rapidly sinking into the quicksands of liberalism or skepticism-or had already become an actual infidel- and then, with a deep breath, took another run at it: "But you need to realize that there's no higher authority than God's revelation. If God says it's true, then you can bank your life on it."

"Okay," I replied wearily, "but how do you know that God's really the one talking here? Lots of religious books claim to be God talking- and you don't believe those other books."

"That's because," he said triumphantly, "those other books are not the Word of God!"

At this point, I was frustrated enough to wish I could imitate Indiana Jones in that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark where he finally gets fed up with his sword-wielding opponent's antics and just pulls out his pistol and shoots the guy. Of course I'm only kidding (at least now I am). But it was becoming abundantly clear to me that logic was not going to get me any further in that conversation, so I finally just had to let it go-although I was left with the same questions churning in my mind.

Subsequently, I found some people and books that were a lot more helpful. I'll come back to my story later, but this exasperating interchange, and others like it along the way, helped me realize that lots of religious people hold firmly to all kinds of religious ideas-whether right or wrong-for all kinds of weak and apparently unfounded, or at least unexamined, reasons. I determined then and there that whether I ended up agreeing with the faith of my upbringing or choosing a completely different point of view, my conclusion would have to be based on more solid criteria than what some of my teachers and leaders were apparently clinging to.

Isaiah 59: 9-10

Therefore justice is far from us, and righteousness does not overtake us; we hope for light, and behold, darkness, and for brightness, but we walk in gloom. We grope for the wall like the blind; we grope like those who have no eyes; we stumble at noon as in the twilight, among those in full vigor we are like dead men.

(Isaiah 59: 9-10, ESV)