it's harder without Him...

have you ever been... in a battle? you know... a spiritual battle?

i think i've been in one. actually, i'm pretty positive. as much as i hate to admit it...

i've been pretty angry lately...and foggy, and distant, and cynical. sarcastic, mean, and ugly. and though i've been writing to clear my head of all the junk floating around, i realized through some of my friends yesterday that it's really not cool to write it and post it for all the world to see.

so my response to that realization is this post.

yesterday, i felt like God gave me something to grasp. i knew Galatians was something i needed to read, (as i shared in yesterday's blog) and chapter three was literally like having a conversation with God.

Galatians 3:1-

God: "You crazy [Kayla]! Did someone put a hex on you?"

Me: "ummm, maybe."

God: "Have you taken leave of your senses?"

Me: "well, i have actually thought i had lost my mind..."

God: "Something crazy has happened..."

Me: "yes, yes it has!"

God: "...for it's obvious that you no longer have the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your [life]. His sacrifice on the Cross was certainly set before you clearly enough."

Me: "oh yea...i'm remembering now..."

i don't know what happened... "something crazy" according to Galatians... but, i do know i don't want this anymore. my choice to "explore other options than Him" days... i need them to be over with. it doesn't work. even though there's hard times with Him, it's harder without Him. (right there I wanted to add "harder without Him...i think." but i didn't.) there's a serious darkness out there. it does a lot of confusing. i've never been more confused...ever... than i've been lately. down to boldly questioning the very One's existence.

please acknowledge that I am, indeed, probably crazy. So, in two days if a post contradicts what this one says, just be patient with me. i'm working it out... i'm not sure exactly what i want. it changes with each breath.

but realizing this... He's gotta be constant. otherwise, my exploration to prove otherwise would have obtained validation. but it hasn't. He's the constant. I'm the variable.

i'm seeing His constant through my friends who are like... loving me... even when i've shot arrows at the God they love and serve.

so weird!