Lean In

"Lean into the pain. Stay there in the questions, in the doubts, in the wonderings and loneliness, the tension of now-and-not-yet until you are satisfied that God is there, too. You will not find your answers by ignoring, by living a life of intellectual or spiritual dishonesty. Your fear will try to hold you back, your tension will increase, the pain will become intense and it will be tempting to keep clinging tight. So be gentle with yourself. Be gentle. Lean in. Stay there. And then the release will come." -Sarah Bessey

I'm numb. Purposefully so. So much hurt and disappointment in the past. And following Jesus isn't supposed to hurt, right? Or am I so wrong with that? Tonight, my church held a healing service. This is not a frequent occurrence. In fact, I'm fairly certain it's the first one I have been to. Hundreds and hundreds of people lined up to be prayed for. I heard one girl praying loudly for the one in front of her; storming the gates of Heaven for an answer. I began to breathe faster and pick at my cuticles. I thought, "How, dear Jesus, how do I believe in this again?" I didn't get a reply, and I had to mentally force myself to not panic while sitting in the middle of a long aisle in a big church.

Prayer and healing; two of the biggest passions of my [former] life. I prayed like that girl. I believed God would heal. But, then He didn't. ...and He didn't again. ...and He didn't again. And with weak faith, I stopped a lot of things, and apparently believing in prayer and healing was one of them. Maybe it's not even that I don't believe in them, but I now am certain He doesn't want me to be a part of the process. I am so far from being who He wants me to be. And sincerely, I am SO sorry about that. I've been trying. Really, I have. Trying really hard to love Him and to desire Him and to seek Him and to hear Him.

I've listened to so many people's advice. Including most of you who read this blog. I LISTEN to you. I hear you. And I try what you suggest. Even that isn't working. I need to just be who this is coming out of me for a little while. I want to let Him shape it and mold it according to His image. I love you, and I want you to be a part of this journey, because I am certain it has a positive end. But please, just don't judge me.

I scream on the inside. My heart pounds. My stomach flips. My head aches. and my heart feels like it cracks a little more. Jesus, You aren't supposed to hurt. You're supposed to help me.

Be with me, Jesus. Release me from this tension. I am weary from it. As I lean into this pain, teach me to breathe through it. I'm staying here, Jesus, until the breakthrough comes. No matter how painful.