my view may be distorted, but what i see is a whole lot of happiness. my ridiculous, newly-turned, 18 year old sister is moving to texas in 3 weeks. first it was "sometime this year", then "in May", now it's "in 3 weeks." excuse me if i don't share her enthusiasm.
she's moving for a boy, who she's not engaged to, but they're "planning a wedding" for january, 2013. pardon, but shouldn't you be engaged officially before a date for a wedding is set? she doesn't even have her own vehicle.
what surfaces even more than anger at her retarded-ness, is my own freaking jealousy. she is 18 gosh dang years old! i am TWENTY-THREE, her older sister, and a maid. not that i'm only jealous that she's found her one, but i'm jealous because God is unfolding her dreams before her.
my middle sister is happily married. has a child, and is eagerly anticipating more children. i'm jealous of her. jealous that all she ever wanted has so easily been given to her.
why is He so slow to move? i've followed and done things that i always said i'd never do in pursuit of a dream birthed by Him. He said go to nursing school, i did. He said work on 6B, so i did. He said, have roommates, so i have. i've followed in faith that through obedience, this dream to leave the country and teach babies about Him, would come to fruition.
but it feels like He's just crapped on it. i'm stuck in a mountain high amount of student loans that i can barely keep up with. i've been stuck in mercy hospital for 2 miserable years. and i've had more roommates than i had diaper changes as a baby.
and my response is really wanting to crap on Him. i don't want to keep following this road blindly, just trusting that the "next turn" could be it. i don't want to pray "circles" around it believing that i'm "just a prayer away". because i've been doing that, and it's NOT working.
jealousy, it is ugly. but this is the truth.
3 comments:
God did not promise That a road that's lead to him will be easy. Living a life that is a constant complaint about things not going your way is not what he wants from you. Be thankful in the small things and he will give you the desires of your heart. So far I've seen a fine young lady who went through nursing school, who have a job where there is so much opportunity to share God' s love and care. You have a family, money, job, lots of opportunity, good friends, church where you can serve and worship without being followed or killed, and many more things that other people just dream about. And you choosing to be jealous about what? Your sister who is propably choosing wrong thing? So easy to give up on God, question your faith and live the life that is full of desires of your flesh. And what about people who read this blog? Do you think it's gives God glory or leads them even farther away from Savior? Remember the story about master giving his servants some money to keep while he was away? God did not give you his blessings for you just to keep it to yourself. Invest His love and blessings into people and you will see that you will receive even more. Our job as nurses give us perfect opportunity to do just that. And what about your friends at work and family? They are watching you, dear! Don't give in to the lies of the one who has been cast out of heaven! Obey the only One who is still there and who gave his life for you!
Kayla, My heart aches for you as I read your blogs. I can see the struggles you have but I admire your vulnerability.
You know I'm a person that speaks my mind and don't mess around, so in true fashion let me say a few things.
I love you! I think you are an amazing woman, and I know there are other people that feel that way to. You are deeply cared for and cherished. Look at all the people that showed up to your birthday dinner, guess what only 2 of my friends showed up for mine. You have allowed your sight to be blinded and you have stopped focusing on God and have started focusing on yourself. Sister, you need to stop looking at what "God isn't doing for me" because that is an incredibly selfish thing and you will miss so much of what he IS doing for you. Working on 6B has been hard for everyone, however stop and look at the good you have experienced. You have touched peoples lives, you have brought laughter, joy and friendship to many! I personally am thankful to have worked with you.
God isn't going to grant you the desires of your heart until you are ready, and our humanness thinks we need it NOW, when there are battles we must overcome to be grateful and truly appreciate what he has in store for us.
Every person has a battle of some kind, and if we focused on the battle instead of the victory, guess what girl.... we will be jealous, angry, and unhappy.
I don't know how many years I spent being jealous of my sisters who had life easily handed to them, but it was because I didn't believe I could have the things they did. I didn't feel worthy. I now know, that I am an incredibly strong person and whereas my journey was harder, longer and painful... I can rejoice because I survived it for one, and because no matter how low I got, God was there waiting for me to get my eyes off myself, and back onto him.
Girl, don't give up and don't be jealous.... your path is just different than anyone else. The bible tells us to not worry about tomorrow for it will take care of itself, so just focus on today and loving God the best you can TODAY! He will reward you, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but when he does you will say... I'm glad I waited!
I will be praying for you!
Ditto what Olga and Kylie said. Seems like you are blessed with God putting some wise people in your life who are pointing you back to Him. Very blessed. I know you've heard me say, find the half full side of the glass and swim in it, but I'm altering it a bit. Find the half full side of the glass and float in it. You have been working so hard for so long and looking at the sad side of things that you need to relax and float in Him. Stop struggling in the quicksand. You're right, it's a lot more work! Love you always.
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