You've read and walked with me the past few months... Stay with me.
A few weeks ago, a close friend and I got into a major fight. With much more going on in my heart and mind than just this argument, I made a decision to react terribly. It's consequence: a hugely torn friendship. For three weeks, I could have cared less about ever repairing the friendship. Not because she didn't matter to me, but because I didn't have any energy to fight for good. I've learned that fighting for good takes a lot more strength than dwelling in the bad. It's easy to sink in quicksand. Getting out of it requires strength, patience, and...help.
Let me elaborate about quicksand. What is it and how is it created? "Quicksand is created when water saturates an area of loose sand and the ordinary sand is agitated. When the water trapped in the batch of sand can't escape, it creates liquefied soil that can no longer support weight."
How do you get out of quicksand? "If you ever find yourself in a pit of quicksand, don't worry -- it's not going to swallow you whole, and it's not as hard to escape from as you might think. The key is to not panic. Most people who drown in quicksand, or any liquid for that matter, are usually those who panic and begin flailing their arms and legs. The worst thing to do is to thrash around in the sand and move your arms and legs through the mixture. You will only succeed in forcing yourself farther down into the liquid sandpit. The best thing to do is to make slow movements and bring yourself to the surface, then just lie back. You'll float to a safe level. When you try pulling your leg out of quicksand, you are working against a vacuum left behind by the movement."
I feel as though I'm in quicksand. I've been thrashing around, flailing my arms, and resisting aid. Sometimes I found myself just wishing it would just suck me under. The slow process of coming up out of it seems too hard to fight for. Still too many questions unanswered. Still too much pride needing humbled. Still too much forgiveness I need to request.
I still question how the great big God of the universe could be so intertwined into my daily life. All the promises I stood on. Those words I thought were His to me... do they still apply?
Today, my friend and I talked. And, we're meeting up for dinner to talk some more. I prefaced our meeting for tonight with these words, "...i'll talk to you tonight, but I'm sorry for being such a jerky person and friend lately."
her unbelievable reply, "it's okay Kayla!!! I still love ya ;)"
I lost it, guys. I tried to stop the salty tears from running down my cheeks, but they simply wouldn't. I was shocked. She forgave me SO quickly. No justification...no hesitation. Just forgave.
It was then that I sensed in my heart, "if she, a human, can forgive such an ugly person as I, how much more can this God forgive me?" I've been so unwilling to surrender. So unwilling to ask forgiveness. "What if He doesn't forgive me? What if He punishes me by taking away His promises? What if He's no longer on my side anymore? I can't pray to Him. I'm still trying to decide whether or not He's for really REAL as I have been taught He is." and my brain spun and tears dripped off my chin. and people stared at me at starbucks.
i sensed the word redemption in my heart. So, I pulled up youversion.com and word searched redemption, then redeeming, then redeemed. I found these verses. Isaiah 44:22 struck me the hardest. I feel beckoned. But can I surrender? Can I trust fall into Him again? What if my mind thinks crazy things still? What if I still question and push away those who love me? What if I can never be who I was before this? What if I can't simply love like I could before? What if I'm radically different, but not in the good way?
Psalm 31:5, "Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God."
Nehemiah 1:10, "They are your servants and your people, whom you have redeemed by your great power and by your strong hand."
Isaiah 52:3, "You were sold for nothing, and you shall be redeemed without money."
Isaiah 35:9, "No lion shall be there, nor shall any ravenous beast come upon it; they shall not be found there, but the redeemed shall walk there."
Isaiah 44:22, "I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you."
what a day!
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