this is something i've come to understand. i know there's God. i know the Bible is His inspired Word.
but when i hear people say, "i am nothing without Him." or "i'll follow Him regardless." or "i trust that He has me in His hands." to be honest... even if I wanted to believe it, I simply find that I cannot. it's lost it's power.
can i say this? too many times it seems like He's failed. He may not have failed you...yet. and maybe He won't. and maybe He hasn't failed me. but He only wants me to want what He wants. and what if I don't want that?
the idea that there is this big strong being way more than anything i've ever thought of up there controlling and directing the stars and asteroids and telling the ocean to stop where it is...it all seems a bit vague to me.
i used to just take it as they all said. it's truth. it must be. it's all i've ever been told. but logically, is that possible? and why would a God make a people that He loves, and then keep secrets from them? secrets of creation and of the future and of the present and of the past?
how does evil, in the eyes of the good-doers, come without repentance for so many? and how does good, in the eyes of good-doers, simply outweigh all the bad?
all this questioning, it makes my breathing quicken. i can feel my respirations increase per minute.
...but i'm still reading "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. and i'm still looking at scriptures. seeking for something...to satisfy this sucking black hole.
if He doesn't satisfy this beating muscle in my chest...will anything ever?
will He make it stop beating if I can't get this right?
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