I couldn't bring myself to walk into church doors this morning.
I drove to Mountain View yesterday to say "see ya later" to my 18 year old sister that moved to Texas this morning. I stayed the night with my grandparents. My other sister, Shelby, wanted me to go to church with her. So, I woke up early, got dressed, and started the hour drive to her church. I pulled into the parking lot, and I was early. My family is late.
I pulled out my tweezers and started to pluck at unwanted hairs. (You can always see better in the car mirrors...) Then, I just got mad.
What the hell do you really think you are doing here? You don't want to celebrate the risen Christ. You aren't even truly serving the risen Christ. You panic over taking communion, can you really sit through an entire service in an unfamiliar place pretending to worship the one you are so skeptical of?
So I drove away. I called my mother and my father to let them know, but neither one answered their phones. Oh well, they'll figure it out when they don't see me there. And back on the road to Springfield I went.
I could go to the West Campus of James River's service. They have a late service. Or, I could just not go anywhere. Wait a second... Not go anywhere on Easter Sunday? A Sunday that even non-believers seem to make it out of the woods to attend church on? And I can't seem to bring myself to even WANT to go in.
Today: it's just another day. I will place my hat, jacket, and flip flops on, grab my laptop, journal, and purse, and head to the nearest Panera to write this blog and journal write and people watch.
And marvel at those who have as much joy in the risen Jesus as I once did. And question how they have sustained it. And ponder what truth is really true. And reflect on goodness being God-given or circumstantial.
....and so I write.
1 comment:
We have a special Easter tradition in our family- church and then Passion of the Christ movie. This time I was sleeping and when I got up I went to see a sick friend in the hospital followed by a night of hard work. But I got to see a part of the movie where Jesus took a flesh tearing beating for the sins of the people like me and you. It brings a new perspective to my life every year - I, who sins every single day, will Be going to heaven because He gave his life for my sins. He, who didn't think twice about dying a horrible death just to bring me closer to his Father, God! He, who was resurected to bring peace that passes all of our undertanding. I don't understand the purpose of your blog. People write for different reasons. Yours seems to be a constant complaint. About everything. I don't know what happened to Kayla I once knew but this is very sad. You not only refusing to accept Him and His plan for your life- you choose to make it public and in doing so placing doubts in the heart of other people. There is a verse in the Bible that says- don't be a stumbling block for other people- I believe you are doing just that. A suggestion maybe in order- try to deal with your demons by seeking pastoral guidance and seek Holy God in your closet time. Don't try to get attention this way - and that Is all you are seeking from the things I read in your blogs. Self- pity is NOT a very desirable trait in the person. Think of some of your patients. There is enough depression in our world today. Sorry for such post- just not liking it very much. I thought you were really seeking the answers- not slipping further and further away from them in the self-absorbing state. . I am not trying to Hurt you- I will say same thing to my own children if they will ever start saying similar things. And I also hope that I will have good friends to direct me if I ever question my faith. So, I hope next time you write something it will be a music to Gods ears. Christ IS Risen for you!!!
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