I don't want to envy everyone else's happiness anymore. Those of you who love your job make me sick. Not sick in the angry way, sick in the jealous way. And I realize that you're happy because you have a dream and you're living it. I have bought into the delusion that if what you do brings YOU joy, it must bring me joy, too.
Anthropology brings Dr. Temperance Brennan joy and thrill on the show Bones. (don't laugh at me.) Being a missionary brings my friends Ryan and Laci purpose and joy. Being a stay at home mom brings my friend Casey joy. Being a nurse brings my friend Amanda joy. Being on the radio brings my friend Denee' joy and excitement. Working in an office brings my friend Julie joy. Being a Physician Assistant brings Kelbie really funny stories. Being an advisor at Paul Mitchell school brings Elizabeth laughter and new friends. My friend Chelsea owns her own business and she is a success. My friend Christy teaches voice and loves it.
And I'm a nurse. I kind of loathe it. I have no compassion anymore. And because I don't like it, I think that doing whatever you're doing will fix me. If it makes you happy, won't it bring me satisfaction, too? No wonder I can't pinpoint what to do next. You all have laid out so many options... and I continue to process through these new thoughts.
A dark bitterness remains deep within me toward the God. What has been real; what has been fake? Will the truth ever appear? Wrestling with even wanting it to surface. I would prefer a silent sink. Why the hell am I here? Twenty-three, a bitter nurse, lost, and disconnected from the One who created me. Come on, God...You gotta know better than this...you just gotta.
2 comments:
Here's my unsolicited two cents. I look to Paul. Surely there wasn't joy about being in prison--surely; however, he found peace in being a tool God was using.
Sometimes we (and by "we" I so very much include myself) want to find joy in WHAT we are doing and miss that we find joy in the One FOR WHOM we are working. In every job there will be frustration and stress and anxiety. (I love teaching but can't say I'm crazy about grading essays or giving up family time for back-to-school night or conferences.) I do believe God can help us look up and find Him, find joy--even in not-fun circumstances. And sometimes, He leads on a different path and the way is easier. Praying for you tonight.
=)
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