my room is cluttered and disorganized. my blackout curtains (from night shift work) still hang on panel nails. one black cross hangs on the wall across from the head of my bed. one mirror hangs beside my door. oh, and i just pinned up a painting from haiti above my headboard.
my soul aches a little bit today. i feel lonely. even though i spent a two hour brunch with friends from work, then headed to meet up with another friend for another hour.
now here i am in bed. because i. am. so. tired. could be just from working so much lately. but, also, when i sleep, i don't have to think. i'm not worried about the issues i can't seem to work through. i'm not bothering others with text messages or Facebook posts. i'm not alone. i simply listen to music and hope for a drift off to some light hearted dreamland.
tonight is a church night. and i do not want to go. i want to drink the full bottle of moscato i picked up from HyVee earlier. i want to pour a hot bath, and generously fill a glass of this sweet stuff, and then pour a second, and a third one.
i remember feeling hope in Jesus. being hope-full. of something greater and of something more than the here and now. i do not sense that now. i sense a lulling. a dull, numb, hopeless ache. a silent truth that screams there is nothing more. that i stay where i am because the truth is, the truth IS, that there is nothing more. and even if there were, i am not good enough for Him to get to it.
and a sense of hatred toward the One i was once willing to die for overwhelms me.
and it still shocks me.
un-redeeming.
yet, the Word of God says,
"If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath." Psalm 34:18 (MSG)
this is not my truth right now. but, i kind of really wish it was. hate Him/love Him...it's back and forth. i'll never be who i was ever again. can i love Him like i used to love Him? can i be unshakeable in Him? will He heal my mind? will He help me with my sadness and hurt and heart pain? even when there's nothing that specifically has caused it all? can He help me love Him again?
...and so i drink wine.
1 comment:
It's all about the choices we make, Kayla! He has already chosen you, but it's looks like you having some depression going on and in that state you are refusing to make the right choice. Choose life!!!
Post a Comment