My Life as of Lately

Oh my word!! My life has been SO crazy lately! I have SO many things that I've wanted to blog about. My personal computer has been out of commission. Technology is SO unreliable. :-) Hopefully soon I can buy me a new one. I'm too concerned about saving up for a car right now, though, to worry about a computer.

Here's what's happened lately:

I started my new job officially! Made it through general hospital orientation, the basic RN orientation, computer classes, and now I'm in my 3rd week of actually being a nurse. I never knew it would be quite as hard as this. When I say hard, I just mean mentally exhausting. I triple, and quadruple check myself so many times over so many things in one day. By the end of the day, I'm STILL questioning my decisions. It's hard to have a life (or 4) cradled in your hands for 12 hours and not be nervous. Then when I think about taking them on myself, with no 'go-fer'... It's scary, and nervewracking. I have a new respect for healthcare workers. They do and put up with a LOT, and risk their own lives taking care of others. It's TOTALLY true.

Anyway, I have been working 3 days in a row of 12 hour shifts for a total of 36 hours/week. It's a great schedule, and from the looks of it, overtime is going to be super easy to acquire. They need so much help... I work days right now orienting with one of my former instructors. She is a GREAT trainer on the job. I was nervous at first about working with one of my teachers from RN school, but she is SO WONDERFUL!!! After next week (after the 8th of July), I will begin to do a couple of weeks of orienting on night shift. This is the shift I was hired for. Other good news is that even though I have to work every other weekend, the weekends are considered friday night and saturday night, NOT saturday and sunday! This means I might be really tired, but I won't miss church very often after all! God is SO good! He knows how important fellowship is! :-)

Next, God has been totally working on my heart. It's amazing. The things He is showing me, teaching me, how He is guiding me. Also, He's showing me SO many things about myself. It's amazing how you can't really understand how great His salvation is or how great His love is for you until you realize how dirty and disgusting you truly are without Christ to cover you. One thing He is having me go through is exactly that. Not a pleasant experience, but He is helping me see just how brilliant His plans are. And, I'm thankful.

The next thing I want to blog about is about my Dad and what God is doing in my heart. My eyes are closing involuntarily, and I still REALLY want to spend some time with my Bible and in God's presence. It's a desperate need.

Love,
Kayla

In Search of the Spirit's Truth

Disclaimer: If you don't believe, this is going to be a weird read. To be honest, I still find it pretty weird.

I'm sure there are times in your life where you just feel stuck in time. Everyone and everything around you continues to function in what society deems normal. But, somehow, you are caught in a standstill. I can't figure out if things are moving really fast or super slow, but I know I'm not viewing time the same way most people are right now.

Let me take you on a little journey of what has been floating through my mind lately. The first thing I will discuss is the understanding of my desperate need for the Holy Spirit to be active in my life. Whoa! Did I just say that? It's been a really long couple of months when I think about trying to understand exactly what the Holy Spirit even IS, it's function, it's role in my life.... (whether or not I should even call it an it? Though some more specific things are still left unanswered, I know I need it.

I can't remember a time when I wasn't loving God. I can remember times as a child where everything was falling down around my family's life, but God was there in my heart and held my hand through everything. Sure, I went through some anger and hurt and felt God was to blame, but in my heart of hearts I knew He was my only source of refuge, and I ran into it. Some people have a story. One where they can sincerely point to a specific date of a complete heart change and the weight of sin lifted from their shoulders, and it drew them closer to the Lord. But, I, on the other hand, cannot remember such a time.

Lately, I have compared my longing for the Spirit's filling to that of an unsaved person's longing for freedom in Christ. Somehow it just draws you in. I began seeking and searching the Word of God and books about the Holy Spirit in search of the truth. Inwardly, I confess that I first began to seek out of reason to disprove the most popular A/G opinion and doctrine about the Spirit. But, with an open mind and no one forcing me one way, I came to pretty much the same conclusion about it as A/G has. I will not reject truth.

I have not, (like A/G likes to put it), been filled with the Holy Spirit. But, I know that I know that I know that it is drawing me. Beckoning me. Asking for full rein... But something deep inside of me stops it.

This is all for now! It's time for church!!

Twenty.One.and.One/Third.

I'm employed now. :) I'm sure it will feel a little more real when I actually receive compensation. Whew, starting a new job is really... weird. Really just updating because it's been a while since I have. I think the strangest part about this transitioning period in life, is that I truly have no idea what it is that I am transitioning into. People keep saying that I can do whatever it is that I want to do. That's great, but what on earth do I want to do. What does GOD want me to do? I truly don't want to get caught in that "Only-this-many-more-weeks-til-the-next-thing" mentality. It makes life go by too quickly.

I know my God is faithful, and I know more than anything that He has a plan for my life. He knows exactly where I am and He sees my entire future. I just need to trust in Him. To believe that He will make a way. And stand firm that I am where I am supposed to be because God has brought me here. Trust my family, mentors, and friends. And OBEY God no matter the cost.

Jeremiah 29:13 (The Message) "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." -God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you."

Good stuff....

It is Time

Today. It's officially May 20, 2010. The very day I have counted down to for the past two years. Man, God is good! Scratch that. God is AWESOME! I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I just finished these first few sentences. I am in utter awe of the way God has gone before me in Nursing school. I reflect on the my very first, awkward, uncomfortable, first semester in college at SBU. I was sitting in my Anatomy & Physiology I class as a little freshman, and I felt the Lord speaking to my heart, so I grabbed a pen and a sticky note, and I wrote this:

"Kayla- You can do this nursing thing if you study hard and focus on me. I am your guide. I will help you. I will never forsake you. -God"

I came across the sticky note not too long ago, and I cried over it. How God has been my guide. How He has helped me. How He has never forsaken me. Not one time. My heart is SO overwhelmed with gratitude, thanksgiving, honor, and respect for my King...

What I am most excited about is not the fact that I am an Registered Nurse, but that I have fulfilled another step in my walk with the Lord. I obeyed Him. I obeyed His leading into St. John's Nursing School. I trusted Him. I believed in Him. I worked for Him. All the glory for every passed test and completed clinical day totally went/goes to Him. I knew He was the one doing all of the work. It was easy for me to pass the honor to Him. And, it still is. I am excited because I know that the next thing that is coming my way is even MORE exciting.

Not because I deserve it. Not because I work hard. Not because He owes me anything, but because He loves me. And because I obey Him.

Some of you know... I never wanted to be a nurse. I took a nurse aid class my last year in High School, and that was it for me. That was the deal-breaker for me. I hated it. The idea of me spending my life in a hospital was appalling. I wanted to be a Worship Leader. God gifted me with voice, and all I wanted to do was glorify Him the rest of my life and speak to others about using their voice in worship. It was my ONLY passion.

When God started closing the doors on the only college that offered a degree in Worship Leading, I became bitter. Very bitter toward Him. When only College of Nursing doors were opening, I became even more bitter. Yet, I obeyed Him. I didn't understand why, how, or what my future was going to look like with a nursing degree, but I trusted the Lord. I knew He knows best. So, I followed His leading.

After stepping out in faith, and completing my first semester, the Lord showed me more than I could ever imagine about my future. He definitely hadn't cut ministry off from me, but opened the doors wider for bigger, greater, more effective ministry. Missions. Beautiful. Terrified. Intrigued. But I will go, Father. I will go. I will do anything you want me to. I'm all for You and Your glory.

So here I am. Not knowing entirely what the future looks like, but knowing that God has blessed me with a job. Not just any job, but a full time position that is going to allow me to pay off my loans quicker, get the best experience, work under the best director, and train me for what is yet to come.

And I know. I KNOW that the BEST IS YET TO COME!

Let me GO

My heart is so easily overwhelmed when I watch stories about people in other countries. The Nations just hold a special place in my heart. This doesn't mean that I am not moved by the stories of my own people. I struggle when I see humanity suffering on any front.

My friend just got back from Haiti. He went doing an assessment of the area he will be taking a team for some relief work in the future. When I learned he was going, my heart kind of dropped into my stomach. I just want to go. Though I know I will in due time, it is hard to wait patiently. Especially when I know there are things I could be doing. When I know there is so much to do, and I am forced to continue in my day to day life here until I gain the experience I need to be fully effective and beneficial to those there. There's so much about it that just feels so wrong.

There have been times since returning from El Salvador about a year ago, that I realize that the way I live is so far from the true reality of how the majority of the whole world lives. I guess I always keep this in the back of my mind, but there are moments where I become so overwhelmed by the difference in my home in Missouri and the home of my friends in other countries. I also wonder why God has allowed me to be in the blessed part of the world. I praise and thank the Lord for this blessing, but I'm ready to be a part of reality.

I have no idea what my future looks like, though I know that God has destined me to live among reality.

Tonight, I just want to talk to someone who gets me. Who can understand this desire to be somewhere that most people would never enter. To live in a place that people try to leave. Someone who is created the way I have been created... I may come across as weird, crazy, even dumb to some, and I can see how logically I sound unstable. But this is the truth....

:-/,
Kayla

Forgiven and Loved

Today is the day I finished my last nursing school exam to officially deem me an RN. Is that even believable? God has been SO good. I remember sitting in Anatomy and Physiology II and it was one of those moments when the Spirit overwhelms your heart and you quickly grab a piece of paper to write down what gets laid on your heart. I wrote, "Kayla, if you will trust my leading, I will take you through nursing school. Do not fear; I will be with you every day." -God

I kept the sticky note that I wrote that on, and posted it into my planner. I looked at it frequently throughout the ride in nursing school, and was refreshed and reminded every time that this is God's call. It's His deal. Reminded that the hard stuff wasn't on me, that He had it covered. Honestly, I'm just so blessed. I don't know why He chose me, but I'm so glad He has.

I've been wanting to blog about something specific for over a week now, but I haven't had the time, nor the energy to put into it as I have wanted.

Sometimes, as humans, we really screw up. And, by that, I mean, I really screw up. There are people in my life that I harbor such bitterness and anger toward because of the past, that I have difficulty even looking them in the eye. There are actions that I've made that have honestly affected the safety of those around me. Decisions that have had significant effect on my heart. And, sins that have separated me from drawing closer with the Lord. Now, that I've established that you sin and I sin, let me continue.

A couple weeks ago, I made a decision. A bad decision, but a fun one. The aftermath of that decision left me more convicted, in more agony, and the most anxiety-ridden I have ever been in my life. My entire life could have been altered because of the consequence of my decision. I had done a bad thing, and it was a sin. And I ran. I ran away from the convictions of the Holy Spirit. I ignored the leading of the Lord. I refused to run back into His presence.

You know what I did next? I didn't pray, but I spent significant time in the Bible. I read "Forgotten God" in which I am learning about the Holy Spirit. But I couldn't bring myself to pray to God. Praying is too intimate. I can't hide my true heart very well in prayer. Reading, sure... I don't have to own up to what I did. Praying--all about confrontation. I spoke well to other people. I encouraged and uplifted others in the name of the Lord. But I didn't let the Spirit penetrate any part of my heart. But, man oh man, was I broken. Broken because I knew I had grieved my Father. I was still just too frightened about simply praying.

Then I read a section in Forgotten God by Francis Chan. He discussed how he would mess up, and spend time trying to get 'back on God's good side.' Trying to prove that he could in fact, be a good christian. He was doing it all on his own. How he was describing it was exactly what was going through my head for the entire week I had been carrying this intense load on my heart. It was then that I realized God was saying to me, "I already know you can't do this alone. That's why I'm here to help you. This is the whole reason I sent my Holy Spirit to you. Now, please, just talk to Me. Tell Me what is going on. I will hear you. I will not abandon you. I SO love you." It helped me see that when I mess up, God already saw it happen. He watched me act in the flesh before it ever happened. He doesn't hate me, think less of me, or take back His promises. He says, "Kayla, I'm sorry that happened, and I'm broken that you chose to act like that, but I still love you. Let's work through this." Knowing that this is how he responds makes me realize and experience His grace in a whole other dimension.

Please let this encourage you, too. If you've done something, maybe something that you're shameful of, regret, or wish you won't do again, just understand that God knows about it, and He knew about it, but He still really does love you. For me, my friend kept telling me, "God still loves you.." But I couldn't feel it, therefore I didn't deeply believe it. She told me that some things, you just have to believe first. And, to stop basing my beliefs on my feelings.

Anyway, I feel like this still didn't come out the way I wanted it to, but maybe it will help someone. The power of testimony.. :)

Love,
Kayla

He's Carrying Me

2 Corinthians 12:9, But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

No kidding. Everytime I read this verse, I tear up a little bit. In this season of life, with RN school coming to a close and the other crazy stuff going on in life, I wake up truly not wanting to get out of bed. In fact, today, I chose to miss a meeting and sleep until 11:30am. I know... it's just how t-i-r-e-d I am. Everyone is...

But beyond that, this verse... ahhhh, it's just SO good. I blogged last night about me realizing that truly, the weaker you are, the stronger God is in your life. There comes points in people's lives where you just know that God is your strength. Paul goes on and says that he boasts about his weaknesses. He says, "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Strangely enough, it's exactly what I feel like doing... in prayer to the Lord, of course. No one wants to be around a mopey person. And, I don't feel like moping to the Lord. I just want to tell Him that I can feel how strong He is in my heart right now. That I know my every waking moment is being controlled and propelled by His love. That's a really weird feeling. I've not felt it before. But as I experience it, I realize that being out of control is not that bad. Letting God just do His thing.

I'm weak, and like I ended my last post... I feel Him carrying me. It's amazing.