Budgeting (sp?)

Okay, so seriously, I'm bRoKe. And, because I'm tentatively leaving for the summer, no one will hire me.

Is this really God's plan? I knew it was going to be hard. At least, I thought I knew. Sure, the call was REAL. It was intense, and it was pure. But, I honestly had no idea I would be having to grow my faith this much. I know that we all need to grow. I feel though, that my body and soul can't grow quick enough to the Lord's urging. Holy stretch marks? I got 'em, in fact, I'm pretty sure their bleeding from being stretched so much. This is the best worst place to be in walking with the Lord. Best because you know God loves you enough to stretch you, but worst because this world makes it hurt, a lot.

I need to be bluntly honest about what I am feeling right now. So, please... don't judge me. I just HAVE to get this off my chest. Okay, here it goes...

I don't know if I WANT this call anymore. Nursing, Haiti, Mission Internship, Surrendering... guys, it's hard. I've prayed and believed God had something huge for me since I was like 3 years old. But, I can't do it. I'll so totally disappoint Him. I'm not perfect. I try really hard. I'm a completely different person than I was in High School. I've shaped up physically (not that I'm in good shape, but better than then), I treat my family better. I love deeper, relax often, and serve always. I LOVE my life. I LOVE it as it is right now. I can't deal with all the changes... I'm so comfortable. I know that the callings of the Lord are without repentance, meaning, I can't do anything to get out of it. But, I just don't think I can do this. I'm so unprepared. I have so much to learn, and I don't even know where to start. I need Jesus. But, I think I almost block Him out at the same time... Anyone understand that?

Also, the other thing I can't stand about myself at the moment, is that I'm like an emotional 7th grader. I am so NOT the type of person to throw a pity party, but I just did. Yuck... I don't struggle. I am not a 'fail-er.' I don't get stuck in ruts (at least I haven't in a very long time), and I don't cry often. But lately, this is all I've done.

Forgive me if this was annoying. I am positive things will look up from here.