one hour

i catch myself thinking thoughts that are blasphemous. they're gone as quickly as they arrive on the path of a brain wave. but a sense of fear surges through me. because from what i know, that is unforgivable. destined to eternal torture. it makes me kind of want to throw up. i keep wrapping around to this place. this place of uncertainty about the God above. and i don't really want to be here.

it almost feels like i'm spiraling down a deep water well on this journey of religiosity. i don't even remember the fall. but the brick sides of the well are getting harder and harder to claw my fingers into. but if i stop grabbing, a sense of permanent end overcomes me that i don't want yet. i don't want to stop believing. but, when did i even start contemplating Him?

a week and a half ago, i pledged a "faith promise" to expand the cause of missions because i was convinced i heard God speak. but two days later, a stupid conversation left me angry. like maniac-type anger. and i went from spiritual "high" with this belief to...disbelief. in a matter of one hour.

is my faith that weak? so easily shaken? so quickly crumbled?

tell me, have you been here? honestly...

remember my post on "spiritual bipolar"? i'm convinced. i've got it. :), only sorta not kidding...

"this God is in your head"

i have come to a realization. i don't know who the hell i am.

i used to love the things of God. breathe, sleep, cry, sing, scream Him. but anymore, hearing about Him makes me want to punch my damn fist through a wall. who the hell is He? who is He to ME? i believe Him for you, and i see Him in them, but who is He to me?

i used to love God because He loved me first. now i tolerate Him because i fear hell. but that doesn't save me. a mere belief in His existence doesn't save me from eternal damnation. and what it takes to save me, i can't give Him. He wants control of who i am. and i'll probably fight that to the death.

so with that realization, where does that exactly leave me? hell-bound...maybe? i don't know.

i almost feel like i owe you an apology, because i realize the life i've been living is not a reflection of what i am at the core (apparently).

He's not my everything. and i'm not sure i can ever make Him that.

sorry, God.

sorry grandma...

(jimmy needham is playing in the background as I write this blog. i would ask that you would, as he sings, "please lay down your arrows, cause they're sure to pierce the skin." but, if you choose not to, that's okay too.)

it's been four weeks since that blog that I wrote. you know, the one that talked about the choice that I made to choose Him. even if it had to be hour to hour choosing, i'd do it. but holy crap.

h.a.r.d.

to force my flesh to submit to the Spirit.

um, not yet. not right now. too hard. too out of control. too humiliating.

to tell you the truth, i'm pissed off right now. like probably way more than i ever have been. i don't retaliate a whole lot, if ever. i usually bend over, take it in the ass, vent to a few people, and move on. but i'm so sick of doing that. i want to be fiercely angry. and i want to piss people off as much as they've pissed me off. i want to emotionally hurt them. lash out so much that it's a shock.

so that may sound really evil; and it may very well be. probably even worse that i'm not sure at this moment i even care how evil it is. it's where i am. it's who i am. for this moment, this is where i'm staying. pissed off. (sorry grandma, i know you read these, and no, you don't need to call me...)

...and it all so deeply contradicts choosing Him.

just how far does His grace extend?

will i ever act as if i believe, love like i read He does, own the grace He says He gives, and choose Him regardless of how foolish it makes me look or feel?

am i even His anymore?

you aren't moving in pursuit of Me...

first, i've been constantly reminded to give thanks in all things. today, i had an elderly patient who seemed to always have a sense of underlying confusion. at times, she was completely easy to talk to and she would answer questions well and follow commands well. at others, she made my work a whole lot harder because she would keep me circling the same topic for 10 minutes. come on lady, don't you know i've got patients more critical than you? that's why i selfishly thought.

confession: i walked out of her room after multiple attempts at getting her to understand and hear me (i had to yell every word for her to hear me). i was getting no where with her, and i had 4 patients and one returning for surgery on top of meds to give, assessments to chart, and doctors to call. i had no time. before i stepped out of the room she said, "kayla...", and as much as i wanted to pretend i hadn't heard her, i once again turned around and looked at her.

and He said, "Give thanks for this woman."

i said, "ummm, what? fine... thank You for this very particular creation of Yours and the opportunity to care for her."

she didn't get any easier, by the way.

secondly, i was walking down the hallway very quickly. i had one pace today: fast. but out of nowhere, i heard the following from the Big voice inside:

"oh hey, you. so, let's talk about this. why it is that you always want to be someone that you aren't? the real truth behind you seeking other options is not because you're called; it's because you think you can be better there than you are now. better than the others. stronger than the others. you think that with more letters after your name you've proved your intelligence. you aren't moving in pursuit of Me. you're moving in pursuit of you."

so, let's be honest...i'm not sure what to make of all of that yet. but, i do know i'm a bit prideful.

it's kind of one of the characteristics He most hates. (oh great...)

Jesus, dare i ask You to flesh that out?

what would that look like?

drinking the blue dizzy liquid...

just weird:

less than two years ago on a rainy day. i drove up to liberty bank in my red 97 oldsmobile. the atm, actually. i think i had $80-ish dollars in my bank account. i pulled $50 from the atm, and text my friend elizabeth: "i'm going downtown tonight. i'm getting wasted hard and fast. come with? i'm going with or without you..."

she came. she drove me, so i wouldn't drive drunk. she's a best friend. i love her a lot.

tonight, an old friend came into town, and we headed to a low key bar for hanging out late. i contemplated ordering a drink. instead, i settled for a chocolate shake. last time i had half a martini and was nauseated for a day.

there were three girls. beautiful, created in His image, girls. glamorous. drinking the blue dizzy liquid from a fish bowl. having fun, no doubt. laughing and flirting and taking pictures. maybe they won't remember...

and i remember sitting at trolleys throwing down shot after shot that night. i remember that the "buttery nipple" was really good. wanting to silence and numb away all feeling of anything. i literally didn't want to think and i didn't care if i couldn't walk out of there. fortunately, $50 doesn't last long enough to reach that goal. regardless, i was trashed.

tonight, i didn't have any feeling for those girls. not disappointment. no humor. no laughing. not sad. i just kinda got it. i know why they're doing what they're doing. and if i had the chance to talk to them, i definitely wouldn't reprimand them. i'd like to sit beside them; hear their stories. and ask "what does your heart beat out of pure passion for?" "how did He design you for this world?"

would i see me in them? would what i see threaten to shock me?

what would Jesus say to them? how would He hold their heart? what would silence their incessant need for approval? and affirmation that who they are is completely enough? would He intercede on their behalf to the Father? what would the Father think of His Son's proposal?

just late night, sleep deprived, thoughts from an over-thinker.

night...

the. expedition.

as if this life is melody. looking for forms of harmony. a beautiful clash of two or more notes. and the tug and pull of the energy forces around threaten to leave her as an unfinished song. sheets void of artistic masterpiece.

and the expedition has begun or has it met an end? a series of decisions made, justified by personal liberty. and as you choose, the consequences hurl defeat or success over you.

if He doesn't answer when you're good, will He answer when you're bad? sinner or washed clean; what causes Him to run to you? will i live long enough to know the answer? i want to forget what i know. and leave all i am.

i want to drive with the top down, sun shining, wind filling my lungs with deep breaths of freedom coming in and out. and i want to drive until i can no longer drive. until i'm forced to hear Him. what will make Him speak?

what makes Him speak?

hold up just ONE minute.

confusion: 1) lack of understanding; uncertainty. 2) a situation of panic; a breakdown of order.

today, i want to move to new york. yesterday, i talked about humanitarian work in africa. tomorrow, i will want to go to med school. today + 2 more days, i will want to be a barista. today +3, i will want to move back in with my grandparents and live in a breeze of easy.

point: i kind of live in confusion.

...and then i read this. oh, shoot...

"What happened was this: People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives." (Romans 1:21, MSG)

In fact, I read the whole passage. and I highlighted and bolded and added my thoughts in parentheses.

(Romans 1:18-32, MSG)

18 But God's angry displeasure erupts as acts of human mistrust and wrongdoing and lying accumulate, as people try to put a shroud over truth.19 But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is!20 By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can't see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of his divine being. So nobody has a good excuse.21 What happened was this: People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives.22 They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life.23 They traded the glory of God who holds the whole world in his hands for cheap figurines you can buy at any roadside stand.

24 So God said, in effect, "If that's what you want, that's what you get." It wasn't long before they were living in a pigpen, smeared with filth, filthy inside and out.25 And all this because they traded the true God for a fake god, and worshiped the god they made instead of the God who made them-the God we bless, the God who blesses us. Oh, yes!

26 Worse followed. Refusing to know God (or leaving Jesus as I've quoted...), they soon didn't know how to be human either-women didn't know how to be women, men didn't know how to be men.27 Sexually confused, they abused and defiled one another, women with women, men with men-all lust, no love. And then they paid for it, oh, how they paid for it-emptied of God and love, godless and loveless wretches.

28 Since they didn't bother to acknowledge God, God quit bothering them and let them run loose.(wait, does He do that?)29 And then all hell broke loose: rampant evil, grabbing and grasping, vicious backstabbing. They made life hell on earth with their envy, wanton killing, bickering, and cheating. Look at them: mean-spirited, venomous,30 fork-tongued God-bashers. Bullies, swaggerers, insufferable windbags! They keep inventing new ways of wrecking lives. They ditch their parents when they get in the way.31 Stupid, slimy, cruel, cold-blooded.32 And it's not as if they don't know better. They know perfectly well they're spitting in God's face. And they don't care-worse, they hand out prizes to those who do the worst things best!

...and i read this and Jesus is convicting me. (which means i must actually have a problem that needs correcting.) that word: mistrust. the root of it all.

1 Corinthians 14:33, "When we worship the right way, God doesn't stir us up in confusion; he brings us into harmony."

Jeremiah 17:9, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"

oh boy... hold up just one minute, God.. por favor?

i'm bipolar...in the spiritual sense.

my name is kayla, and i'm bipolar... in the spiritual sense of the word.

i'm on for Him, and i'm off from Him. i'm seriously not understanding how being IN Him makes us more free. i'll be honest, He's telling me a few things to do, but i simply don't want to do them. i feel like a rebelling christian. and as much as i want to care about that and put some effort into changing it, i just don't.

i don't want to fast. i don't want to pray. i don't want to read my Bible. i don't want to tithe. i don't want to talk Jesus, but i can't seem to stop. i don't want to blog about Him, but it just happens. i don't want to post scripture, but i do.

it seems like i could just actually do these things. i could fast, pray, tithe, and read my Bible. i could, but without having a desire to do so makes me think that doing them out of obligation is worse than not doing them at all. i keep waiting for that want-to feeling to happen. to give joyfully and without reserve.

last night, i couldn't stop thinking about just leaving Jesus. probably sounds like a dumb thought to all my springfield, bubble wrapped, AG world friends, i know. but life seems confusing with Him right now, how could it be any less confusing without Him? i want to full out rebel, but not split hell wide open. (it's probably oxymoron).

i want to quit my job, adios my apartment, ex my car, and nomad around the world. i want to stop paying bills, quit talking to my friends, and silently run where no one will ever find me. where is it that even God cannot see me? does such a place exist? to start over and pretend i never knew Him?

i've chosen Him, but has He chosen me? i've chosen Him, but does He see me? i've chosen Him, but it seems like i'm still begging for Him to pay attention to me. i know He's real. i know it. but have i missed the opportunity to be used? will i have to wait forever?

Jesus, WHAT, in all the world, are you teaching me right now? Just send me away.

"like a woman in childbirth"

i caught myself doing it again today. thinking about the run. the run to wherever it's different. as i washed my hands for the 183rd time today, i thought, "so what are the repercussions for forgetting about God?" i scrubbed my hands a little harder. is it even possible to forget? and then I rinse my hands. because tonight, i am pretty sure i've forgotten. rather, i really want to forget. i'm not sure what has happened to me, but He seems so distant and different. i've chosen Him...but i still don't believe Him.

music. it used to be the floodgate to entering His presence. but it's not. not anymore. no Spirit within me, it feels like. and as i watched those leaders up on stage sing as if they truly believed the words coming out of their mouths, i wondered, "what does it take to get from choose to believe?"

i love these verses. my favorite parts and words that i feel best describe me are bolded and italicized.

So why the doomsday hysterics? You still have a king, don't you? But maybe he's not doing his job and you're panicked like a woman in labor. Well, go ahead-twist and scream, Daughter Jerusalem. You are like a woman in childbirth. You'll soon be out of the city, on your way and camping in the open country. And then you'll arrive in Babylon. What you lost in Jerusalem will be found in Babylon. God will give you new life again. He'll redeem you from your enemies. But for right now, they're ganged up against you, many godless peoples, saying, "Kick her when she's down! Violate her! We want to see Zion grovel in the dirt." These blasphemers have no idea what God is thinking and doing in this. They don't know that this is the making of God's people, that they are wheat being threshed, gold being refined. On your feet, Daughter of Zion! Be threshed of chaff, be refined of dross. I'm remaking you into a people invincible, into God's juggernaut to crush the godless peoples. You'll bring their plunder as holy offerings to God, their wealth to the Master of the earth. (Micah 4:9-13 MSG)

let me run. this labor's too long.

ohhh...Joyce Meyer. what the?

So I've always said I'm not a huge fan of Joyce Meyer, but she's kinda been killin it at my life group. Here are my notes from tonight's group meet. Eat it up!

Lifegroup: Take II

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13 MSG)

Where does hope lie? If its in you, the world, your things...it's shaky and misplaced. By putting hope in your job, or position, or money...you WILL be let down. An unrealistic expectation.

[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living! (Psalm 27:13 AMP)

If you have formed a habit of being negative, you have to form a habit of positive.

Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. (Psalm 27:14 AMP)

"Somebody else is not responsible for your joy."

Let Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, be upon us, in proportion to our waiting and hoping for You. (Psalm 33:22 AMP)

Return to the stronghold [of security and prosperity], you prisoners of hope; even today do I declare that I will restore double your former prosperity to you. (Zechariah 9:12 AMP)

But Jesus [for His part] did not trust Himself to them, because He knew all [men]; And He did not need anyone to bear witness concerning man [needed no evidence from anyone about men], for He Himself knew what was in human nature. [He could read men’s hearts.] [I Sam. 16:7.] (John 2:24, 25 AMP)

I expect that I will get disappointed in my life, but I can choose to NOT become devastated. Because when you get devastated, you stop moving forward.

When you get disappointed:

get reappointed! By decision, "I'm not gonna let this get the best of me." I can't decide what I'm going to feel but I can decide what I think and say. And pretty soon, your feelings will catch up with what you think and say.

LET IT RAIN

Romans 8:18-28

"That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times.The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next.Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it inuntil both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs.These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance.That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."

I had two church dates with Jamie today. I love this incredible iron sharpening iron friendship we have. So God breathed. One of the focuses of our discussion revolved around a level of expectancy and anticipation that the Jesus-birthed dreams in our hearts WILL happen. That our steps of obedience will be ones that carve new Faith-filled paths of righteousness. That those who are witnesses to this will be strengthened and encouraged in their own walk with Jesus.

So many decisions lie ahead of me. I'm beginning to realize that the older I become, the more decisions there are to make. And so many choices before those decisions are made. I've been choosing to focus on the choices instead of simply focusing on the One whose heart I'm aiming to please. If my sole desire was meant to LOVE Jesus and my Father with ALL of my heart, soul, mind, and strength, I'm failing miserably.

There are a few (okay, maybe a lot of) things that I have to improve on. I will choose to improve on them, because I have chosen to walk this journey of claiming uncharted territory for the advancement of the Gospel. And in order to advance Him, I have to be faithful and obedient in EVERY area of my life. He'll still love me if I don't, but I will live beneath His full intention for my life if I choose mediocrity. However, I will be rich in Him if I choose to obey and love with all that I am. and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters.

I have a feeling that He is about to shake some stuff up in the upcoming days, weeks, and months.

All I have to say about that is...let. it. rain.

if you're a nurse... "chest compressions"

have you ever seen someone die? If you have, chances are it was someone you are related to. but, in my everyday job, I see it quite often. and I'm not related to any of them. In fact, there have been times that I have held the hands and softly whispered into the ears that "it's okay. it's okay to go", then watched their chest stop rising. because there was no one there with them but me, their nurse.

I second verified an "expiration" on our unit recently. as I entered the room, the family was just leaving. calling a death, even if it is one that has approached expectedly and calmly, is always a somber moment. My friend who was this patients nurse said, "4:10 pm?" I verified after listening for a heart beat, "Yes, 4:10 pm". I helped out with some paperwork, and then I left the room to tend to my other patients. The other patients who had no idea someone just passed over the threshold of life/death. That someone just entered into an eternity of time...somewhere. and you look into their face and think, "I hope you lived deep and loved hard."

shortly thereafter, another patient was fighting for their life. well, with the assistance of a team of nurses, respiratory therapists, and doctors. chest compressions, bagging with oxygen, epinephrine, chest compressions, atropine, fluids, chest compressions, more fluids, intubation...it's dizzy to think about it when I'm not there doing it. You fight hard for their life, and you silently beg, "not today, not on my watch will your heart stop beating." Occasionally a holler, "Is there a beat? Are they in rhythm?" A strong applause of celebration when there is, and a sense of silent defeat and sadness when there isn't. and then someone calls it. "time of death..."

and if death claims victory, you look into their face, you say, "i'm so sorry. you fought so hard." and you clean up and you move on.

you finish your day, you clock out, and you drive home. maybe you stop off at the grocery store or you remember you're out of toilet paper. you eat some oatmeal for dinner, because it's fast and easy. and you set your alarm to get up and do it all over again the next day.

but you don't dwell on it. you can't think about it. that cold, harsh, death stare into nothing. that chilling emptiness.

you're a nurse. and there are those who are living. life, hearts that are beating, chests that are rising, fingers that are feeling, and stomachs that are growling. dressings that need changing, IV's that need replacing, pumps that are beeping, and monitors that are screaming.

and you dwell on them and the life in them.

we're gonna laugh so hard...

I am no spiritual giant. I don't pray over my dinner all the time. I don't spend hours a day picking apart greek and hebrew words to gain a deeper understanding of the Word of God. and while I'm confessing; I don't even tithe super faithfully. Fasting isn't a priority. I guess I could say I have room to improve...obviously.

But one thing I am sure of that is within me is this:

I love Jesus. and I will do nothing less but passionately pursue you until you also fall head over heels in love with this God-became-man even more than I am. I'm going to love you. If that means you need a cool washcloth, you got it. A blanket, I'm there. Kleenex's, puke buckets, a hairbrush, fingernail clippers, a piece of gum...it's on me.

For my kids (birthed from me or not), I'm gonna keep you safe if it means I lose my life. We're gonna laugh so hard our smiles hurt and our tummys ache. Our made up songs will fill the empty skies. Colored pages will plaster our walls. There's going to be a lot of us, and it's going to be amazing. and I'm gonna teach you about this Jesus-once-man. I'm gonna show you how He loves. and we're gonna love together, each other, and our neighbors like He loves us. We're going to fall in love with the things of Him.

and you're gonna grow up and be mothers and fathers of your nations. children of the King. men of valor and women of courage. and I'm going to bow in reverence to the One who made it possible.

we're gonna laugh so hard. i wait with overflowing anticipation. i groan in eagerness. i seek Him.

we're gonna laugh so hard.

I chose and I choose...

change in church.

new lifegroup.

adding friends.

renewing mind.

My goal: to relentlessly choose to trust that God is for me and is with me in the face of any disappointment or trial.

Prayer: I CHOSE You, Jesus. I CHOOSE You, every single day. Every single hour. Every single moment. When negativity threatens to surface, I will choose optimism. I will NOT sit in fear. I choose to WALK [run and fly, too], even when You've blindfolded me. Fear will no longer be a "holding back" factor; it will be a causative for PUSHING forward. My words will be chosen cautiously, "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit-you choose." (Proverbs 18:21 MSG) Use me, dear Jesus, as a conduit for Your kingdom to come on this earth; to Springfield, MO, Mercy hospital, and Destiny Church and wherever else my feet may step. May my life be an example to the testament of Your faithfulness to all those that witness it. May I always first choose LOVE. Lord, as cautious as I want to say it, I boldly exclaim, grow me, expand me, stretch me, gift me! Give me wisdom in supernatural doses to make decisions quickly and efficiently. Guard my heart, Father. Keep me soft. Show me through Your eyes Your high ways. Teach me how to value Your gifts; those given in the physical and by the Spirit. Continue to train me. I know that You'll always stand beside me in all the risks I take on Your behalf. Let YOUR glory rise.

Light, space, zest-that's God! So, with him on my side I'm fearless, afraid of no one and nothing. (Psalm 27:1 MSG)

To quote my favorite movie of all time (Home Alone): "Did you hear that? I'm not afraid anymore! I SAID, I'm not afraid anymore!!" and I'm not.

It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him. (Hebrews 11:6 MSG)

I am eager. I am anticipating. I am expecting. I am pregnant and awaiting the baby. I am stuffed with hope. I am a dam cracking under pressure; He is the rushing, forceful, pushing river. I am a worm saved by grace through faith in the One who paid a high price for me. I am nothing; He is everything.

i .d.a.r.e. you to pray this with me:

i will pray. i will fast. i will read Your Word. i will dance with You. i will trust in Your ways. i will cling to You. .:because. i. chose. You:. i chose this. my faith was my choice. my faith is in You. therefore, i will obey Your commands. i am dedicated to Your truth. i believe in Your mission. i am all in, by my choice and Your grace.

......yesssss!