you aren't moving in pursuit of Me...

first, i've been constantly reminded to give thanks in all things. today, i had an elderly patient who seemed to always have a sense of underlying confusion. at times, she was completely easy to talk to and she would answer questions well and follow commands well. at others, she made my work a whole lot harder because she would keep me circling the same topic for 10 minutes. come on lady, don't you know i've got patients more critical than you? that's why i selfishly thought.

confession: i walked out of her room after multiple attempts at getting her to understand and hear me (i had to yell every word for her to hear me). i was getting no where with her, and i had 4 patients and one returning for surgery on top of meds to give, assessments to chart, and doctors to call. i had no time. before i stepped out of the room she said, "kayla...", and as much as i wanted to pretend i hadn't heard her, i once again turned around and looked at her.

and He said, "Give thanks for this woman."

i said, "ummm, what? fine... thank You for this very particular creation of Yours and the opportunity to care for her."

she didn't get any easier, by the way.

secondly, i was walking down the hallway very quickly. i had one pace today: fast. but out of nowhere, i heard the following from the Big voice inside:

"oh hey, you. so, let's talk about this. why it is that you always want to be someone that you aren't? the real truth behind you seeking other options is not because you're called; it's because you think you can be better there than you are now. better than the others. stronger than the others. you think that with more letters after your name you've proved your intelligence. you aren't moving in pursuit of Me. you're moving in pursuit of you."

so, let's be honest...i'm not sure what to make of all of that yet. but, i do know i'm a bit prideful.

it's kind of one of the characteristics He most hates. (oh great...)

Jesus, dare i ask You to flesh that out?

what would that look like?