one hour

i catch myself thinking thoughts that are blasphemous. they're gone as quickly as they arrive on the path of a brain wave. but a sense of fear surges through me. because from what i know, that is unforgivable. destined to eternal torture. it makes me kind of want to throw up. i keep wrapping around to this place. this place of uncertainty about the God above. and i don't really want to be here.

it almost feels like i'm spiraling down a deep water well on this journey of religiosity. i don't even remember the fall. but the brick sides of the well are getting harder and harder to claw my fingers into. but if i stop grabbing, a sense of permanent end overcomes me that i don't want yet. i don't want to stop believing. but, when did i even start contemplating Him?

a week and a half ago, i pledged a "faith promise" to expand the cause of missions because i was convinced i heard God speak. but two days later, a stupid conversation left me angry. like maniac-type anger. and i went from spiritual "high" with this belief to...disbelief. in a matter of one hour.

is my faith that weak? so easily shaken? so quickly crumbled?

tell me, have you been here? honestly...

remember my post on "spiritual bipolar"? i'm convinced. i've got it. :), only sorta not kidding...