it's been four weeks since that blog that I wrote. you know, the one that talked about the choice that I made to choose Him. even if it had to be hour to hour choosing, i'd do it. but holy crap.
h.a.r.d.
to force my flesh to submit to the Spirit.
um, not yet. not right now. too hard. too out of control. too humiliating.
to tell you the truth, i'm pissed off right now. like probably way more than i ever have been. i don't retaliate a whole lot, if ever. i usually bend over, take it in the ass, vent to a few people, and move on. but i'm so sick of doing that. i want to be fiercely angry. and i want to piss people off as much as they've pissed me off. i want to emotionally hurt them. lash out so much that it's a shock.
so that may sound really evil; and it may very well be. probably even worse that i'm not sure at this moment i even care how evil it is. it's where i am. it's who i am. for this moment, this is where i'm staying. pissed off. (sorry grandma, i know you read these, and no, you don't need to call me...)
...and it all so deeply contradicts choosing Him.
just how far does His grace extend?
will i ever act as if i believe, love like i read He does, own the grace He says He gives, and choose Him regardless of how foolish it makes me look or feel?
am i even His anymore?
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