i'm on for Him, and i'm off from Him. i'm seriously not understanding how being IN Him makes us more free. i'll be honest, He's telling me a few things to do, but i simply don't want to do them. i feel like a rebelling christian. and as much as i want to care about that and put some effort into changing it, i just don't.
i don't want to fast. i don't want to pray. i don't want to read my Bible. i don't want to tithe. i don't want to talk Jesus, but i can't seem to stop. i don't want to blog about Him, but it just happens. i don't want to post scripture, but i do.
it seems like i could just actually do these things. i could fast, pray, tithe, and read my Bible. i could, but without having a desire to do so makes me think that doing them out of obligation is worse than not doing them at all. i keep waiting for that want-to feeling to happen. to give joyfully and without reserve.
last night, i couldn't stop thinking about just leaving Jesus. probably sounds like a dumb thought to all my springfield, bubble wrapped, AG world friends, i know. but life seems confusing with Him right now, how could it be any less confusing without Him? i want to full out rebel, but not split hell wide open. (it's probably oxymoron).
i want to quit my job, adios my apartment, ex my car, and nomad around the world. i want to stop paying bills, quit talking to my friends, and silently run where no one will ever find me. where is it that even God cannot see me? does such a place exist? to start over and pretend i never knew Him?
i've chosen Him, but has He chosen me? i've chosen Him, but does He see me? i've chosen Him, but it seems like i'm still begging for Him to pay attention to me. i know He's real. i know it. but have i missed the opportunity to be used? will i have to wait forever?
Jesus, WHAT, in all the world, are you teaching me right now? Just send me away.
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